Thread: Please check the translation of this little story.

Только дети верят, что каждый человек - добр. Долгое время Светлана так думала, верятно, потому что, она была самым младшим членом семьи. На самом деле остальные поощряли её так думать, так как это позволяло легко управлять ей. Даже когда они были взрoслыми, когда они спорили о наследстве отца, доме, который построил с собственными руками, остальные хотели управлять ей как пешкой в свой шахматной партии, но Светлана избежала участия.

Only children believe that each person is a good person. For a long time Svetlana thought that way, most likely because she was the youngest member of the family. In fact, the others encouraged her to think this way since it made her easy to exploit. Even as adults, when they quarrelled over the inheritance of their father, the house that he built with his own hands, the others wanted to use her as a pawn in their chessgame, but Svetlana avoided participation.

Originally Posted by Martin Miles

Даже будучи взрослыми, когда они спорили о наследстве отца, доме, который (house) он построил своими собственными (own) руками, остальные хотели манипулировать (or again управлять) ею как пешкой в шахматной партии, но Светлана избежала участия.

Only children believe that each person is a good person. For a long time Svetlana thought that way, most likely because she was the youngest member of the family. In fact, the others encouraged her to think this way since it made her easy to exploit. Even as adults, when they quarrelled over the inheritance of their father, the house that he built with his own hands, the others wanted to use her as a pawn in their chessgame, but Svetlana avoided participation.

будучи (literally being)+ the instrumental case = as adults, as a teacher etc. Expressions with "будучи" are bookish. Synonymic and neutral way to say the same is clauses with "когда" (when).
chessgame = шахматная партия.

Всегда рад помочь. I always glad to help you.

Огромное спасибо, kib. That word "управлять" was not in my vocabulary, and I forgot that you all don't use игра for chessgame.

Уже сказалось, что Светалана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. На самом деле, её сорок четыре кратких года может делиться в равные четверти как шахматную доску. В одиннадцатом году лет, старшая сестра перешла в большой горгод и после вышла замуж; около двадцать втором году, её мать умерла; около тридцать третьем году, вышла замуж, стала матерью, а умер отец; а в сорок четвёртом году она сама ушла этот мир.

It has already been said that Svetlana considered eleven to be her special number. In fact, her short forty four years can be divided into equal quarters like a chessboard. When Svetlana was eleven her older sister went away to a big city and later got married; about eleven years later her mother died; about eleven years after that Svetlana married, became a mother, and her father died; and when she was forty four she herself left this world.

The English version, clearly, is not a literal translation. There are many (better) ways the same information could be presented. But the Russian form is not ambiguous if the reader bears the first two sentences in mind. Please let me know what are the grammatical mistakes in the Russian version.

в равные четверти как шахматную доску

Just as a non-grammatical comment: "divided into equal quarters like a chessboard" fails metaphorically, in my opinion -- because you're talking about a linear progression of her life from birth to death, and if one considers the linear progress of a chess pawn across the board from one side to another, there are eight ranks/rows, not four. Of course, you can divide the 8x8 chessboard into four quadrants of 4x4, or for that matter, four 8x2 quarters, but neither of those really relates to how a chess game progresses.

As an alternative, I would suggest a comparison to the four seasons of the year, or the four 15-minutes quarters on a clock face.

And speaking of clocks and quarters, you could also compare her life to a game of basketball (or American-style football!).

Or, hmmmm... hockey games are divided into THREE "periods," rather than four quarters. So if you rewrite the story to have her get married at 22 and die at 33, you can compare her life to a hockey game, which is very Russian... (В чём жизнь похожа на хоккейный матч? Трусам не рекомендуется играть!) Plus, 33 years also gives you some "Jesus symbolism."

Here's my attempt at a correction, with explanations (I'm curious to see what native speakers will think of MY corrections!). I also incorporated my suggested metaphor of a hockey game -- obviously, if you want her to have a 44-year-lifespan divided into quarters, the numbers will be different, but the grammar won't change much.

Уже рассказывалось, что Светлана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. На самом деле, её короткая жизнь, всего тридцать три года, можно делить в равные трети, как три периодов в хоккейном матче. Когда Светлане исполнилось одиннадцать лет, старшая сестра перешла переехала в большой город и после потом вышла замуж; спустя одиннадцать лет, когда ей было года двадцать два, сама Светлана вышла замуж и стала матерью, и в том же году её родители умерли. В тридцать третьем году три года, она сама ушла этот мир.

It's already been mentioned, that Svetlana considered eleven her "special" number. In fact, one can divide her short life -- just 33 years all together -- into equal thirds, like the three periods in a hockey game. When Svetlana was 11, her older sister moved to the big city and then got married; when she was about 22, Svetlana herself married and became a mother, and her parents died that very same year. And at 33, she herself left this world.

NOTES:

I used рассказывалось (literally, "the story was already being told") because I thought it might sound stylistically better.

всего тридцать три года -- here всего emphasizes the sum or total

...исполнилось одиннадцать лет -- the verb исполниться can be used with number of years plus the person in the dative case to express "someone has turned so many years old". I used it here just for the sake of variety, instead of saying когда ей было... ("when she was X years old") every time.

перешла переехала -- presumably, she didn't WALK to the big city, but traveled by some sort of vehicle!

спустя одиннадцать лет -- "eleven years later; after 11 years" (very literally, it's more like "11 years having gone down"... down the drain, or down the hourglass, I guess!)

после потом -- the preposition после ("after") must be followed by an explicit noun or pronoun in the genitive (after WHAT?). In this case, you could use the prepositional phrase после этого ("after that"), but it's better to use потом, which is a "self sufficient" adverb by itself, instead of a poor, naked preposition shivering in loneliness without a (pro)noun to keep it company -- it means "after that" or "then" or "next".

ей было года двадцать два -- simply by inverting the word order and putting the noun (года) before the number, you can indicate "approximately"; thus, "she was about 22 years old". Also compare через пять минут ("five minutes from now") and минут через пять ("in, um, about five minutes, give or take...")

В тридцать третьем году три года -- the crossed-out expression would imply "in 1933" (or 1833 or 2033, whatever century she was born in). In other words, the 33rd year of the century, and not "at age 33," which is the meaning you're going for.

Mr. McGee, I am going to be frank. I find it extremely impertinent of you to try to 'improve' someone else's story in such a way, not to mention somewhat childish. And then to ask native speakers to correct YOUR version. Well! You are free to write as many of your own stories as you like; I would appreciate it, however, if you leave mine alone. I cannot force you, but I would also respectfully request that in future you refrain from contributing to any threads that I might start. And it is not that I am sensitive to criticism; when I require such, I will seek it from people whose opinion I value. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Как уже говорилось (or как было сказано), Светлана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. На самом деле,её короткую жизнь, всего тридцать три года, можно разделить ( or сорок четыре года ее короткой жизни), можно разделить на равные трети, как три периода в хоккейном матче. Когда Светлане исполнилось одиннадцать лет, старшая сестра перешла переехала в большой город и после потом вышла замуж; когда Светлане (you have to say Светлане, or you are talking about her sister, not Svetalna) было года двадцать два, она сама вышла замуж и стала матерью, а в том же году её родители умерли. В тридцать третьем году три года, и (instead of сама, to avoid repeating of it) она ушла из этого мира.

"Как уже говорилось, как было сказано" are cliche.
Die = умереть, уйти из (the genitive case) этого мира, покинуть (the acusative case) этот мир (the last two are inflated and bookish); I think there are more synonyms, but I can't remember them.
In Russian, a pronoun relates to the last word it can relate to, except cases like this "...когда ей было года двадцать два, сама Светлана..." If you begin to speak about another person you should mention his or her name, and then you can use pronouns.

Originally Posted by Martin Miles

Mr. McGee, I am going to be frank. I find it extremely impertinent of you to try to 'improve' someone else's story in such a way, not to mention somewhat childish. And then to ask native speakers to correct YOUR version. Well! You are free to write as many of your own stories as you like; I would appreciate it, however, if you leave mine alone. I cannot force you, but I would also respectfully request that in future you refrain from contributing to any threads that I might start. And it is not that I am sensitive to criticism; when I require such, I will seek it from people whose opinion I value. Thank you.

Да нет -- спасибо Вам, Мартину, за откровенность; ведь она освежает душу, и жаль что в этом мире такое качество редко встречается! Естественно, я покорно извиняюсь, сэр, и прошу Вашего прощения за то, что мои бесплатные услуги получилось неудовлетворительно...



"Джайв-эсс дюдз донт гат ноу брейнз энихау..."

Originally Posted by Martin Miles

В одиннадцатом году лет,

В (the prepositional case) одиннадцатом году it means "in 1911 or 1811 etc". "When Svetlana was eleven her older sister went away... = "Когда Светлане было одиннадцать ее сетра..." If the English sentence had been "When Svetlana was eleven she did smth" then you could translate "в (the acusative case) одинадцать лет она что-то сделала"

Feel free to ask me and best wishes!

There is also expression "на одиннадцатом году (жизни)"... which means "When she was between 10 and 11 years old"

Originally Posted by Martin Miles

На самом деле, её сорок четыре кратких года можно разделить на равные четверти как шахматную доску.

The words after similes with как, словно, точно must be in the the same case as the words they relate to. Разделить (the acusative case)
сорок четыре года как шахматную доску. You've done quite right.

Originally Posted by kib

Die = умереть, уйти из (the genitive case) этого мира, покинуть (the acusative case) этот мир (the last two are inflated and bookish); I think there are more synonyms, but I can't remember them.

Well, there's always "Когда Светлане было 22 года, мама дохла."

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Well, there's always "Когда Светлане было 22 года, мама дохла."

Yeah, that's true I guess there are as many synonyms in Russian as in English.
What you said is incorrect. I think any Russian has never said this word though it makes sens. It means "was dying", but we use "подыхала" in this case. You should say "подохла" или "сдохла" and better you should'n at all - much too rude

Thanks kib and it-ogo. So how would you say, "as stated earlier", "as already mentioned", etc. idiomatically? Or maybe I could say Уже знаем, что Светлана считала...?

Well, both cliche I've given are possible here. And yes, you could say Как мы уже знаем (узнали, выяснили), Светлана считала... but that doesn't correspond with the style. The как мы уже знаем is a little intimate; it would fit for a tale or something like this. And the style of the story I think is dry and a bit derisive. The two cliche are perfectly fit for the style.

Как было сказано, что Светлана считала одиннадцать своим осебенным числом. На самом деле, её сорок четыре года короткой жизни можно разделить на равные четверти как шахматную доску. Когда Светлане исполнилось одиннадцать лет, её старшая сестра переехал в большой город, и потом вышла замуж; на двадцать втором году жизни Светы, её мать умерла; на тридцать третьем году жизни портнихы, вышла замуж, стала матерью, и отец умер; когда Светлане было сорок четыре года она умер.

So kib, it-ogo, or any good person, is the above correct now?

I don't know how it's happened, but I've just now noticed that the English version and the translation above are different. And nobody but me am (or is, I don't know) guilty of that. So I decided to make an exact translation.

Как уже было сказано, Светлана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. В самом деле, её короткую жизнь в сорок четыре года можно разделить на четыре равные части, как шахматную доску на шестьдесят четыре. Когда Светлане было одиннадцать, её старшая сестра уехала в большой город и затем вышла замуж; спустя ещё примерно одиннадцать лет Светлана вышла замуж и стала матерью, а её отец умер. Наконец, в возрасте сорока четырёх лет она сама ушла из жизни.

If something isn't clear to you just ask me.

Well, thank you kib. Your reply is not an exact translation of what I wrote yesterday, but I think I have taken up enough your time today.

You say, "Nobody except me is guilty", because the verb "to be" agrees with "nobody" (3rd person singular).

Originally Posted by Martin Miles

You say, "Nobody except me is guilty", because the verb "to be" agrees with "nobody" (3rd person singular).

Thanks!