Thread: Please check the translation of this little story.

Here's my attempt at a correction, with explanations (I'm curious to see what native speakers will think of MY corrections!). I also incorporated my suggested metaphor of a hockey game -- obviously, if you want her to have a 44-year-lifespan divided into quarters, the numbers will be different, but the grammar won't change much.

Уже рассказывалось, что Светлана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. На самом деле, её короткая жизнь, всего тридцать три года, можно делить в равные трети, как три периодов в хоккейном матче. Когда Светлане исполнилось одиннадцать лет, старшая сестра перешла переехала в большой город и после потом вышла замуж; спустя одиннадцать лет, когда ей было года двадцать два, сама Светлана вышла замуж и стала матерью, и в том же году её родители умерли. В тридцать третьем году три года, она сама ушла этот мир.

It's already been mentioned, that Svetlana considered eleven her "special" number. In fact, one can divide her short life -- just 33 years all together -- into equal thirds, like the three periods in a hockey game. When Svetlana was 11, her older sister moved to the big city and then got married; when she was about 22, Svetlana herself married and became a mother, and her parents died that very same year. And at 33, she herself left this world.

NOTES:

I used рассказывалось (literally, "the story was already being told") because I thought it might sound stylistically better.

всего тридцать три года -- here всего emphasizes the sum or total

...исполнилось одиннадцать лет -- the verb исполниться can be used with number of years plus the person in the dative case to express "someone has turned so many years old". I used it here just for the sake of variety, instead of saying когда ей было... ("when she was X years old") every time.

перешла переехала -- presumably, she didn't WALK to the big city, but traveled by some sort of vehicle!

спустя одиннадцать лет -- "eleven years later; after 11 years" (very literally, it's more like "11 years having gone down"... down the drain, or down the hourglass, I guess!)

после потом -- the preposition после ("after") must be followed by an explicit noun or pronoun in the genitive (after WHAT?). In this case, you could use the prepositional phrase после этого ("after that"), but it's better to use потом, which is a "self sufficient" adverb by itself, instead of a poor, naked preposition shivering in loneliness without a (pro)noun to keep it company -- it means "after that" or "then" or "next".

ей было года двадцать два -- simply by inverting the word order and putting the noun (года) before the number, you can indicate "approximately"; thus, "she was about 22 years old". Also compare через пять минут ("five minutes from now") and минут через пять ("in, um, about five minutes, give or take...")

В тридцать третьем году три года -- the crossed-out expression would imply "in 1933" (or 1833 or 2033, whatever century she was born in). In other words, the 33rd year of the century, and not "at age 33," which is the meaning you're going for.

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Как уже говорилось (or как было сказано), Светлана считала одиннадцать своим особенным числом. На самом деле,её короткую жизнь, всего тридцать три года, можно разделить ( or сорок четыре года ее короткой жизни), можно разделить на равные трети, как три периода в хоккейном матче. Когда Светлане исполнилось одиннадцать лет, старшая сестра перешла переехала в большой город и после потом вышла замуж; когда Светлане (you have to say Светлане, or you are talking about her sister, not Svetalna) было года двадцать два, она сама вышла замуж и стала матерью, а в том же году её родители умерли. В тридцать третьем году три года, и (instead of сама, to avoid repeating of it) она ушла из этого мира.

"Как уже говорилось, как было сказано" are cliche.
Die = умереть, уйти из (the genitive case) этого мира, покинуть (the acusative case) этот мир (the last two are inflated and bookish); I think there are more synonyms, but I can't remember them.
In Russian, a pronoun relates to the last word it can relate to, except cases like this "...когда ей было года двадцать два, сама Светлана..." If you begin to speak about another person you should mention his or her name, and then you can use pronouns.

Originally Posted by kib

Die = умереть, уйти из (the genitive case) этого мира, покинуть (the acusative case) этот мир (the last two are inflated and bookish); I think there are more synonyms, but I can't remember them.

Well, there's always "Когда Светлане было 22 года, мама дохла."

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Well, there's always "Когда Светлане было 22 года, мама дохла."

Yeah, that's true I guess there are as many synonyms in Russian as in English.
What you said is incorrect. I think any Russian has never said this word though it makes sens. It means "was dying", but we use "подыхала" in this case. You should say "подохла" или "сдохла" and better you should'n at all - much too rude

Originally Posted by kib

Yeah, that's true I guess there are as many synonyms in Russian as in English.
What you said is incorrect. I think any Russian has never said this word though it makes sens. It means "was dying", but we use "подыхала" in this case. You should say "подохла" или "сдохла" and better you should'n at all - much too rude

[Facepalm] This is why one should be careful about learning grammar from jokes! I'm pretty sure (если память меня не обманывает!) that дохла is a form I heard/read в очень пошлом и не приятном анекдоте, где Дед Мороз объясняает детям про Снегурочку: "Ей не больно, ведь она уж дохла!"

Thus, I assumed that дох/дохла were the normal perfective forms.

But perhaps the ungrammatical дохла was part of the humor, чтобы подчеркнуть невероятную пошлость (англ.: "tackiness") в том, что сказал Дед Мороз? Or maybe I'm remembering the joke incorrectly, and he actually said сдохла...

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

[Facepalm] This is why one should be careful about learning grammar from jokes! I'm pretty sure (если память меня не обманывает!) that дохла is a form I heard/read в очень пошлом и не приятном анекдоте, где Дед Мороз объясняает детям про Снегурочку: "Ей не больно, ведь она уж дохла!"

Thus, I assumed that дох/дохла were the normal perfective forms.

But perhaps the ungrammatical дохла was part of the humor, чтобы подчеркнуть невероятную пошлость (англ.: "tackiness") в том, что сказал Дед Мороз? Or maybe I'm remembering the joke incorrectly, and he actually said сдохла...

I think I got. There's an adjective "дохлый" (dead) in Russian, and maybe it was the word that was in the joke: "Ей не больно, ведь она уж дохлая" If you heard the joke you could have misheard since the pronunciation of this word is very similar to "дохла". But if you saw the the joke written, I don't know what yo say. You may ask another (or a few) native Russian to verify my opinion.

But perhaps the ungrammatical дохла was part of the humor, чтобы подчеркнуть невероятную пошлость

I don't see anything like that.