Thread: Please, check my translation.

I'v desided to make myself an exercise and made the translation of one of the funny old parodies written by Yuriy Nesterenko (thanks Crocodile for the link ). Original text is here:
http://masterrussian.net/mforum/view...233035#p233035
I would be very grateful if someone checked it for errors (if I made some style errors their correction would be greatly appreciated too).
__________________________________________________ __________________________
Digital bible.
1. In the beginning was the word, and the word was 2 bytes, and there were nothing else.
2. And God made a division between the one and the zero, and God saw that it was good.
3. And God said, Let there be data: and there was data.
4. And God said, Let the data come together in its place, and made floppys, and hard drives, and CDs.
5. And God said, Let there be computers to put floppys, and hard drives, and CDs, and God made computers, and gave them name ‘hard’, and made a division between hard and soft.
6. Soft was still not there, but God quickly corrected himself and made programs big and small, and said them: Be fertile and increase, and make the memory full.
7. But He was tired of making programs himself, and God said, Let us make programmer in our image, like us: and let him have rule over the computers, and over the programs, and over data. And God made programmer, and put him in His computer center, to do work in it. And He took the programmer to the folder tree, and gave the programmer orders, saying, You may freely run the programs from any folder of the tree, but from the Windows folder you may not run, cause ‘must die’.
8. And God said, It is not good for the programmer to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him. And He took one of the bones from the programmer where was no brain, and made into a user, and took him to the programmer, and the programmer said, Let his name be User. And they both were using the naked DOS, and they had no sense of shame.
9. Now Bill was wiser than any beast of the field. And he said to the user, Has God truly said that you may not run the programs from any folder of the tree? And the user said, We may run any programs from the folders of the tree, but from the Windows folder we may not, cause God has said ‘must die’. And Bill said to the user, Let us argue about the taste of oysters with those who didn’t eat them. On the day when you run Windows you will be as gods, cause you will be able to make anything with just one mouse click. And the user saw that Windows were a delight to the eyes and desired, cause they make knowlege unnecessary, and installed them on his computer; and then told the programmer that it’s cool, and he installed too.
0A. And the programmer went to look for new drivers, and the voice of God came to the programmer, saying, Where are you? The programmer said, I am looking for new drivers, cause there aren’t any under the naked DOS. And God said, Who gave you the knowledge about drivers? Have you run Windows? And the programmer said, The user whom you gave me, said that he wants programs only under Windows from now on, and I installed them. And God said to the user, What have you done? And the user said, I was tricked by the deceit of Bill.
0B. And God said to Bill, Because you have done this you are cursed more than all cattle and every beast of the field, and there will be war between you and the programmer, by him you will be scolded with swear words and he will be buying Windows from you.
0C. To the user he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and barren your wallet, you will be using crooked programs, and will not be able to live without the programmer, and he will be your master.
0D. And to the programmer he said, Because you gave ear to the voice of the user, the computers are cursed on your account, bugs and viruses will come up from them, in pain you will clean them up, with the hard work you will get your code debugged.
0E. So God sent them out from His computer center, and set password.
0F. General protection fault.

still funny so... зачет
но все-таки пара - тройка вопросов:

cause ‘must die’

Есть ли в английском какой-то аналог нашего сленгового "масдая"? А то не стыковка: поскольгу Бог всемогущ, то если б он просто сказал "must die" - это должно было тут же исполниться.

where was no brain

В английском для костного мозга есть отдельное слово, поэтому ни в одной bone нет brain. Так что тут наш баянистый каламбур не прокатывает.

with the hard work you will get your code debugged

Иногда архаичный стиль начинает напоминать Мастера Йоду. Впрочем, Библию по-английски мне читать не доводилось, может Йодина речь оттуда и списана

P.S. Придираюсь. Good job. IMHO

Great job! Wow, this was a real challenge to take upon yourself... The language used in the Bible is not exactly standard English... In order for the joke to come across properly you've got to emulate King James Bible - style English. Several hundred years out of date and quite poetic.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...ersion=KJV;NLT

(Awesome parody by the way; I work in IT too, so for me it's very witty... )

I think that in regular English you cannot start a sentence with "And" and you are not supposed to put a comma before And either. But for the Bible, this is allowed...

Originally Posted by Basil77

I'v deCided to make myself an exercise and made the translation of one of the funny old parodies written by Yuriy Nesterenko (thanks Crocodile for the link ). Original text is here:
http://masterrussian.net/mforum/view...233035#p233035
I would be very grateful if someone checked it for errors (if I made some style errors their correction would be greatly appreciated too).
__________________________________________________ __________________________
Digital bible.

1. In the beginning was the word, and the word was 2 bytes, and there were nothing else.

2. And God made a division between the one and the zero, and God saw that it was good.

3. And God said, Let there be data: and there was data.
4. And God said, Let the data come together in its place, and made floppys, and hard drives, and CDs.

5. And God said, Let there be computers to put floppys, [s:20c0yxbl]and[/s:20c0yxbl] hard drives[s:20c0yxbl],[/s:20c0yxbl] and CDs in. And God made computers, and gave them THE name ‘hard’, and made a division between hard and soft.

6. SoftWARE(?) was still not there, but God quickly corrected himself and made programs big and small, and said them: Be fertile and increase, and make the memory full. (might say: fill up the memory of all computers --- or something like that...)

7. But He was tired of making programs himself, and God said, Let us make programmer in our OWN image, [s:20c0yxbl]like us[/s:20c0yxbl]: and let him have rule over the computers, and over the programs, and over data. And God made THE programmer, and put him in His computer center, to [s:20c0yxbl]do[/s:20c0yxbl] work in it. And He took the programmer to the folder tree, and gave the programmer orders, saying, You may freely run the programs from any folder of the tree, but from the folder labelled "Windows" you must not run anything! [s:20c0yxbl]cause ‘must die’[/s:20c0yxbl]. (that didn't make any sense... As I remember from the Genesis... perhaps this would work: "But the programs in the Windows folder you must not run, or you will surely die.. (the computer will surely cease to work).

8. And God said, It is not good for the programmer to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him. (Could say: I will make him a help-mate, to use the programs that he writes. (this uses a well known expression from the bible - "help mate" = the woman)) And He took one of the bones from the programmer where was no brain, and made into a user, and took him to the programmer, and the programmer said, Let his name be "User". And they both were using the naked DOS, and they had no sense of shame.

9. Now Bill was wiser than any beast of the field. And he said to the user, Has God truly said that you MUST not run the programs from any [s:20c0yxbl]folder of the tree[/s:20c0yxbl] of the folders of the tree? And the user REPLIED, We may run any programs from the folders of the tree, but from the Windows folder we may not [s:20c0yxbl]execute anything[/s:20c0yxbl], or we will surely die... And Bill said to the user, Let us argue about the taste of oysters with those who didn’t eat them (this expression does not exist in English, got to think of something else)

On the day when you run Windows you will be as gods, because you will be able to make anything with just one mouse click. And the user saw that Windows were a delight to the eyes and desired IT, BEcause IT makeS knowlege unnecessary. So the user installed ir on his computer; and then told the programmer that it WAS cool, and the programmer installed it too.

0A. And the programmer went to look for new drivers, and the voice of God came to the programmer, saying, Where are you? The programmer said, I am looking for new drivers, cause there aren’t any under the naked DOS. And God said, Who gave you the knowledge about drivers? Have you run Windows? And the programmer said, The user who[s:20c0yxbl]m[/s:20c0yxbl] you gave me, said that he wants programs only under Windows from now on, and FOR THAT REASON I installed them. And God said to the user, What have you done? And the user said, I was tricked by the deceit of Bill.

0B. And God said to Bill, Because you have done this you are cursed more than all cattle and every beast of the field, and there will be war between you and the programmer, by him you will be scolded with swear words and he will be buying Windows from you.

0C. To the user he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and barren your wallet, you will be using crooked programs, and will not be able to live without the programmer, and he will be your master.

0D. And to the programmer he said, Because you gave ear to the voice of the user, the computers are cursed on your account, bugs and viruses will come up from them, in pain you will clean them up, with the hard work you will get your code debugged.

0E. So God sent them out from His computer center, and set password.
0F. General protection fault.

VERY WITTY!!!! This must be translated into great English and spread on the internet because it's very funny.
I did some changes (some are marked, others are not..) but am not QUITE happy with the English of this yet, so I will re-write some more late..

Basil77 - this is outstanding work; this is at the very top end of ESL skills. Lots of native speakers wouldn't be able to do it as well as you did. The challenge is to get the joke across and stick with the "style" of the KJV Bible as much as possible.

I'll do some more later or maybe someone else feels inspired?

PS --- why is the snake called Bill? Oh of course [gates!!!! ]

And later God sent Linux..... his only begotten... [software] lol

Actually - in order to do this properly we might need to check the real Genesis 1:1

Originally Posted by LuxDefensor

cause ‘must die’

Есть ли в английском какой-то аналог нашего сленгового "масдая"? А то не стыковка: поскольгу Бог всемогущ, то если б он просто сказал "must die" - это должно было тут же исполниться.

Да, я тут тоже ломал голову, как перевести, чтобы сохранился смысл шутки, но так ничего и не придумал.

[quote:291jk8nf]where was no brain

В английском для костного мозга есть отдельное слово, поэтому ни в одной bone нет brain. Так что тут наш баянистый каламбур не прокатывает.[/quote:291jk8nf]
Я тоже об этом думал. Если вместо "brain" перевести "marrow", то теряется вся соль, поэтому решил оставить "brain".

Originally Posted by Johanna

Great job! Wow, this was a real challenge to take upon yourself...

Thanks! Actually It was not so big challenge, because I'v checked the real Genesis (translation into basic English) found in the net. Btw you'v corrected many clishes that I took from there.

Originally Posted by Johanna

I work in IT too, so for me it's very witty...

Yeah, I remember that you work in IT. But as for me I don't. So I'm a typical 'dumb user'. I had a small business selling computer hardware about 10 years ago though (I believe this parody was written in those years too).
About 'must die' expression, as I wrote in the post above, I dunno how to translate this in English and to not lose the joke.

Let us argue about the taste of oysters with those who didn’t eat them (this expression does not exist in English, got to think of something else)

In original Russian text author used this expression (I believe the author of the expression is Mikhail Zhvanetsky). It's often used when someone is talking about things in wich he has no experience. I guess if there is a widespread English expression for such case it should be used here to replace Russian expression, but unfortunately I don't know any. Maybe you can help?

Here's a start:
1 there was nothing else
5 and CDs in, and God
gave them the name
[[In English we don't say "soft" but "software". we differentiate "hardware" and "software"]]
6 told them , OR said to them:
7 make a programmer
have dominion over
god made a programmer OR the
... cause 'must die'. [[I don't understand this.
8 as a helper
9 because God has said
who haven't eaten them.
because
to do anything with
Windows was a delight [[Windows is singular!]]
because it makes,... installed it

Thanks to Johanna and Chaika for your corrections and suggestions. But to make an improved version of translation I still need some ideas what could be done with 'must die' joke ('must die' is a widespread in Russia computer slang name for Windows) and with the Bill's saying about user had no experience.

Originally Posted by Basil77

Please, correct my mistakes, except the cases I misspell something with purpose

Please_correct my mistakes, except for the cases I misspell something [s:1sb5sz26]with[/s:1sb5sz26] on purpose

Originally Posted by Basil77

I still need some ideas what could be done with 'must die' joke ('must die' is a widespread in Russia computer slang name for Windows) and with the Bill's saying about user had no experience.

Here are some possibilities followed by links to sources that inspired me:

7. . . . but from the Windows folder you may not run, for on the day that you do, you shall surely crash into the Screen of Death.

9. . . . but from the Windows folder we may not, cause God has said we "shall surely crash into the Screen of Death."

http://bible.cc/genesis/2-17.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crash_(computing)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Screen_of_Death

9. . . And Bill said to the user, "Never argue with a newbie."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newbie
http://www.quotiki.com/quotes/7097

Originally Posted by Ken Watts

9. . . . but from the Windows folder we may not, cause God has said we "shall surely crash into the Screen of Death."

Let us argue about the taste of oysters with those who didn’t eat them.

Let's leave arguing about the taste of oysters to those who have tried them.
btw, What's the significance of the oysters?

8. And God said, It is not good for the programmer to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him. And He took one of the bones from the programmer where was no brain

This dosen't work at all in English. Maybe you could write something about the bone being dense or thick or something

Originally Posted by Basil77

...
9. Now Bill was wiser than any beast of the field. And he said to the user, Has God truly said that you may not run the programs from any folder of the tree? And the user said, We may run any programs from the folders of the tree, but from the Windows folder we may not, cause God has said ‘must die’. And Bill said to the user, Let us argue about the taste of oysters with those who didn’t eat them. ...

9 comes from "... Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

And so wiser does not really carry the meaning. More like crafty, treacherous, manipulative, insidious. But this is modern English treatment. Sleazy might work.

9. Now Bill was more sleazy than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. or something like that.

Originally Posted by Ken Watts

7. . . . but from the Windows folder you may not run, for on the day that you do, you shall surely crash into the Screen of Death.

9. . . . but from the Windows folder we may not, cause God has said we "shall surely crash into the Screen of Death."

http://bible.cc/genesis/2-17.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crash_(computing)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Screen_of_Death

Perfect!!! I'v never heard this expression before but I like it veeery much and imho it perfectly fits here!

9. . . And Bill said to the user, "Never argue with a newbie."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newbie
http://www.quotiki.com/quotes/7097

Well, I think this one may fit into the story. In my opinion, the original expression that the author used also doesn't fit the bible-style story at all, so this one can be used as a literary translation without doubts.
Summary: Ken Watts, thanks a lot! You'v been very helpful!

Hey, those BSOD are good. The screen of death referred to is known as the blue screen of death, BSOD, when system crashes.

About 8,
8. And God said, It is not good for the programmer to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him. And He took one of the bones from the programmer where was no brain, and made into a user, ...

The original is

18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Since this is into modern English,
8. And God said, It is not good for the programmer to be by himself: I will make a flunky for him to help him beta test. And He took one of the bones from the programmer, ...

Thanks Paperplane and Seraph for your help and suggestions! But unfortunately I'v suddenly realized that further improvment of this translation is beyond my very humble English skills imho . Надеюсь, кто-нибудь доведёт это до ума в итоге.
Огромное спасибо ещё раз всем за помощь! Thanks again to everyone for your precious help!

P.S. У меня практически нет опыта перевода литературных текстов, но на этом примере я ещё больше осознал простую истину, что перевод для конечного употребления "носителями языка" (нэйтив спикерами?) *вот, блин, поистине иногда "великий и могучий" даёт сбой *, должен делать, или хотя бы редактировать тот, для кого конечный язык является родным. Хотя и они тоже, бывает, перегибают палку и в итоге появляются всякие Бильбо Сумкинсы/Торбинсы и.т.д. На мой взгляд, это то же самое, что обозвать при переводе Джона Смита Иваном Кузнецовым.

Hey don't give up on this; we'll all do it together.
If you can manage to do this, then basically you are better at English than the average native speaker. Then you can start writing poetry

I was going to come back and do some more, but I am just so knackered most weekday evenings that I can't think of serious things like this.... So I didn't get around to it... But I'll continue later.

And you did NOT do a bad job at all; in fact, it was really good. It's just that this is pretty advanced and hard even for a native speaker. You practically never make any noticeable mistakes when you write in English, so your skills are awesome..

Seriously; because so many native speakers of English are so rubbish at their own mother tongue, you are already in a position where you are better at English than native a lot of native speakers. You could easily max the "TOEFL" for example, no question about it.

Хотя и они тоже, бывает, перегибают палку и в итоге появляются всякие Бильбо Сумкинсы/Торбинсы и.т.д.

Ну, Толкин неудачный пример, перевод имен в его эпопее - дело особенное. Есть даже специальная статья (написанная Толкином), которая нахвается как-то вроде "Руководство по переводу имен". То есть, он сам настаивал, что все, что в Сердиземье относится к всеобщему языку, в переводе должно быть написано на языке читателя. Роулинг подобную статью не писала, но видимо какие-то пожелания лицензионным переводчикам высказывались, благодаря чему мы получили всяких Долгопупсов и пр. А вообще, я тоже против перевода имен собственных. Если в имени кроется какой-то особый смысл, достаточно дать сноску один раз. ИМХО.
P.S. Ну что, первый блин не комом! Как насчет "Проекта Генезис"?

Thanks Johanna! After reading your post I have become a little more optimistic!

Originally Posted by LuxDefensor

Как насчет "Проекта Генезис"?

Да, я тоже о нём задумывался. Для начала неплохо было бы найти кокой-нибудь реальный пример служебной переписки на английском, чтобы позаимстовать оттуда канцелярские обороты. На мой взляд, калька с многих наших не сработает.

Form your original text in second line from russian language here I can translate in english language. If you want more translation then you can use online language translation services.

Тебе нужно сделать следующее: Сходи в аптеку на углу, купи лекарства для дедушки - рецепты лежат в прихожей, на тумбочке под зеркалом.

You have to do the following: Go to the drugstore on the corner, buy drugs for my grandfather - recipes are in the hallway, on the table under the mirror.

As per me the translation is perfect. Little mistakes are their but it doesnt hampers the meaning of it. It will work.