Thread: Check my translation, please!

Could somebody check my English, please? This is a translation of Michail Zadornov story. Thanks!
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The ninth car

This is just an introduction to the story. I was taking a train from Moscow to Leningrad. My seat was in the second car. I came to the station, found my train and discovered that there were no first three cars in this train whatsoever. About ninety people with luggage, kids, friends and relatives were walking lost along the platform and looking for fist tree cars.

I become very angry. And since I worked at the humor section in a newspaper at that time, I thought: “I will go to the Head of train crew and ask him what the hell is happening”. But I couldn’t find any train crew. So I went to the chief-manager of this station and asked him with a lot of attitude (because I thought I was a big shot since I worked at a newspaper): “Where is a Head of crew?” And the Chief-manager said to me: “He is somewhere in the first tree cars, good lack finding him”.

Anyway, I couldn’t get any information from this man, and we traveled at spare seats that time - all of as, who had tickets in the first tree coaches.
So, when I came back to Moscow I still was pretty pissed off and I wrote an article about this incident. My article was printed in “Literaturnaya gazeta” (very popular newspaper at that time).

And that where the real story begins. I received a letter from Kiev. A man wrote: “There is just a trifle compare to what happened to me. Please, come quickly, I shall tell you a REAL story. You will not regret”.

Because I kept receiving a lot of letters like this, I ignored this invitation. But once, when I performed at Kiev, I decided to visit this man. And I don’t regret, indeed.

Unlike the Moscow train, which was lacking tree cars, the Kiev train had an extra one. It had two cars, marked as ninth. Well, all the passengers were sane adults, knowing how to count to nine. They understood, that the real ninth car is the one, going right after the eighth. Not the one, going before the tenth. So all of them got into the first ninth car.

The second ninth car conductor was very surprised with the fact that there were no passengers in her car. When the train started off, she went to the Head of train crew and said to him: “My car is empty”. The Head of crew was pretty surprised too. He said: “They probably messed up in the booking, as usual”. So he sent a message to the next station, saying: “Sell the tickets to the ninth car”.

Everybody who had bought tickets to the ninth car at the next station, were sane adults too. They knew, how to count to nine, as well. And so they run to the first ninth car in a touching unanimity.

The first ninth car conductor, who had already made her passengers a tea and wished them sweet dreams, asked the newcomers with understandable fear: “Where did you all come from, my dear comrades, and why in earth there are so many of you? There are no spare seats in this car. You go quickly to the Head of crew. He is in the first car. Ask him to seat you in other coaches. And hurry up, ‘cause you have only tree minutes left”.

Since the train has to depart in tree minute, all the passengers grab their luggage, their kids, friends and relatives and race to the first car. There they meet very surprised Head of crew, who asks them: “Where did you all come from, people?” They tell him: “We are from the ninth car. It was double-booked”. The Head of crew realizes, that he is missing something, but he is still not quite sure what it is.

Since there were only tree minutes left, he stuffed the extra passengers into vacant seats. The train has departed. And at this moment the second ninth car conductor comes to the Head of crew and says: “My car is empty”. He is gradually going mad. He certainly doesn’t believe her, goes to the ninth car himself and discovers that the freaking car is indeed empty.

So he started to count the cars and realized what this confusion was all about. He felt quite relieved. He returned to his cabin and decided to fix the problem. He sent a message to the next station: “Cut of the ninth car”.

It was happening late at night! The railroad workers also were sane adults and also knew how to count to nine! So they naturally cut off the first ninth car with all the passengers sleeping peacefully inside it and put it at a siding. When the job was done, they reported back to the Head of crew. He wiped sweat from his face and the train has departed.

The Head of crew was about to go to bed when the conductor from the second ninth car came to him and told him, that her car was empty…
I don’t know for sure did the Head of crew go mad after all this stress or not, but I heard this story from the person, who actually traveled in the first ninth car.

At the middle of the night he woke up and got out from his cabin to have a smoke. So he was smoking and wondering: “Why is this stop so long? Why do we still staying?” He was smoking, and smoking, and smoking … Finally, he lost his patience and looked out from the window. There was no sign of a train ahead or behind… Only a wild desert prairie, the moon and a sidetrack…

When he was telling me this story I laughed so hard! Especially, when he was describing how he woke everybody up and folks, undressed, rushed out of the car, trying to understand where the hell they were… My reaction

I have somewhere read this, Gerty , I swear I have

First off, your translation was perfectly understandable and, in fact, good, most my correction are really just nitpicking to how it sounds

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The ninth car

This is just an introduction to the story (PS. when I read the original, this sentence wasn't there, but: "The whole story happened like this:" I think that was a better translation...). I was taking the train from Moscow to Leningrad and my seat was in the second car (we don't like short sentences). I arrived at the station, found my train and discovered that there were no first three cars in this train whatsoever. About ninety people with luggage, kids, friends and relatives were walking lost along the platform and looking for the first three cars.

I became very angry and since I worked at the satircal(from the orginal text ) section in a newspaper at that time, I thought: “I will go to the Head of train crew and ask him what the hell is happening”. But I couldn’t find the train crew anywhere. So I went to the chief-manager of this station and asked him angrily, thinking that I had this right, (no need to explain why the author meant he had this right (refer original)): “Where is the Head of crew?” And the Chief-manager said to me: “He is somewhere in the first tree cars, good luck infinding him”.

Anyway, I couldn’t get any information from the man, and all of us, who had tickets in the first tree coaches, traveled in the spare seats, some in the corridors, some standing, some even sitting on their suitcases. (refer original)

So, when I returned to Moscow I still was pretty pissed off, like it happens in those kinds of situations (I think it is better to translate all the text, not leaving out whole subsentences ) and I wrote an article about this incident, showing names and the number of the train. My article was printed in “Literaturnaya gazeta” (a very popular newspaper at that time).

And that is where the real story begins. I received a letter from a reader in Kiev, who wrote: “that is just a trifle compared to what happened to me. Please, come quickly, and I shall tell you a REAL story. You will not regret it”.

Because I kept receiving a lot of letters like this, I ignored this invitation. But once, when I performed at Kiev, I decided to visit this man. And I don’t regret it, indeed.

I would of translated that paragraph to soemthing like this (I rewrote it, because you seem to have rewritten some of his words )

Naturally, I get a lot of these kinds of letters, so I didn't go anywhere. But once, when I was perfroming in Kiev (is that what был в Киеве с концертами means?), I decided to pop by the address I had received. he wrote I wouldn't regret it, and I don't regret it.

Unlike the Moscow(original shows Riga?) train, which was missing tree cars, the Kiev train had an extra one: Two cars, marked as the ninth. Well, all the passengers were sane adults, knowing how to count to nine. They understood, that the real ninth car is the one right after the eighth and not the one before the tenth. So all of them went into the first ninth car.

The second ninth car conductor was very surprised with the fact that there were no passengers in her car. When the train started off, she went to the Head of train crew and said to him: “My car is empty”. The Head of crew was pretty surprised too. He said: “They probably messed up in the booking, as usual”. So he sent a message to the next station, saying: “Sell the tickets to the ninth car”. !!!

Everybody who had bought tickets to the ninth car at the next station, were sane adults too. They knew how to count to nine as well. And so they ran to the first ninth car in a touching unanimity.

The first ninth car conductor, who had already made her passengers tea and wished them sweet dreams, asked the newcomers with horror: “Where did you all come from, my dear comrades, and why on earth are there so many of you? [b](maybe better: Where did you come from, comrades, in such quantities). There are no spare seats in this car whatsoever. You go quickly to the Head of crew. He is in the first car. Ask him to seat you in other coaches. And hurry up, ‘cause you have only tree minutes left”. (PS here I allow the shorter sentences, since it is speech)

(in this paragraph, you changed the time to present for some reason, probably because the speech was in present time?)
Since the train had to depart in three minutes, all the passengers grabbed their luggage, their kids, friends and relatives and raced to the first car. There they met a very surprised Head of crew, who asked them: “Where did you all come from, people, and in such quantities?” They said to him: “We are from the ninth car. It was double-booked”. The Head of crew realized, that he was missing something, but he was still not quite sure what it was.

Since there was only tree minutes left, he stuffed the extra passengers into vacant seats. The train departed and at that moment the second ninth car conductor comes to the Head of crew and says: “My car is empty”. He slowly loses his marbles. Not believing her, he goes to the ninth car himself and discovers that the freaking car is indeed empty.

So he started to count the cars and realized what this confusion was all about. He felt quite relieved. He returned to his cabin and decided to fix the problem. He sent a message to the next station: “Cut off the ninth car”.

It was happening late at night! The railroad workers also were sane adults and also knew how to count to nine! So they naturally cut off the first ninth car with all the passengers sleeping peacefully inside it and put it on a side track. When the job was done, they reported back to the Head of crew. He wiped his sweat from his face and the train departed.

The Head of crew was about to go to bed when the conductor from the second ninth car came to him and told him, that her car was empty…
I don’t know for sure whether the Head of crew went mad after this or not, since I heard this story from a person, who actually traveled in the first ninth car.

In the middle of the night he woke up and got out from his cabin to have a smoke. So he was smoking, smoking, smoking, smoking, (refer original) and wondering: “Why is this stop so long? Why are we still standing?” He was smoking, smoking, smoking … Finally, he lost his patience and looked out of the window. There where no train wagons in front or behind!… Only a wild desert prairie, the moon and a sidetrack…

When he was telling me this story I was laughing so hard! Especially when he was describing how he woke everybody up and the people, undressed, rushed out of the car, trying to understand where the hell they were… He even got offended and said: "You laugh in vain, there is nothing funny about this. By the way, we were all going for vacation in Austria!"

Thank's a lot!

Put this on my grave stone: "She was a great gal who was killed by English grammar".

Originally Posted by Gerty

Thank's a lot!

correct: Thanks a lot!

You are welcome!

We foreigners have to return the favor you russians show us!

It is not a favor, it is a revenge

Originally Posted by kalinka_vinnie

He even got offended and said: "You laugh in vain, there is nothing funny about this. By the way, we were all going for vacation in Austria!"

Originally Posted by Gerty

“It’s wasn’t funny, sir, - he said. - It wasn’t funny at all! All of as were traveling to Hungary for vacation!"

Austria<->Hungary

Originally Posted by FL

Austria<->Hungary

As if Austria and Hungary were the same...

This is another funny story in my translation. Can you guys check it too?

Принес мне как-то муж в подарок крысу. Ручную. Маленькую. Кремовую. Я их вообще-то не боюсь, но в восторг, к его сожалению, не пришла. Тем не менее крыса осталась.
Ну, а теперь история. Крыса наша примерно через год захворала - шерсть лезет, кряхтит, как будто разговаривает, и т.д.
Решили мы ее полечить.
Зоомагазин.
- Скажите, а у вас для крыс витамины есть?
- Нет.
- А для кошек есть?
- Для кошек есть.
- А для крыс они подходят?
- Нет.
- Так что, у вас для крыс совсем ничего нет?
(Пауза, достаточно долгая)
- Ну почему ничего? Отрава есть, но она в другом отделе...


My husband gave me a rat. A small, cream-colored pet rat. I wasn’t particularly afraid of them, but I wasn’t excited either (which was a disappointment for him). Anyway, the rat stayed with us.
Now the story begins. Year has passed and our rat got sick. She was loosing her hair, groaning, like she was trying to talk to us, etc. So we decided to get her some medicine.
At the pet store.
- Do you have some vitamins for rats?
- No.
- For cats?
- Yes, we have some for cats.
- Are they good for rats?
- No.
- So you don’t have anything for rats?
(Long pause)
- Well, we have something for rats. We have a rat poison, but it’s in another department.

Originally Posted by Gerty

- Так что, у вас для крыс совсем ничего нет?
(Пауза, достаточно долгая)
- Ну почему ничего? Отрава есть, но она в другом отделе...

- So you don’t have anything for rats?
(Long pause)
- Well, we have something for rats. We have a rat poison, but it’s in another department.

- So you have absolutely nothing for rats?
(Long pause)
- Well, we have something. We have (rat) poison, but it’s in another department...

Do not say "a rat poison", just say "rat poison". If you say "a rat poison", it sounds like "one kind of rat poison".

Originally Posted by Gerty

This is another funny story in my translation. Can you guys check it too?

My husband gave me a rat. A small, cream-colored pet rat. I wasn’t particularly afraid of them, but I wasn’t excited either (which was a disappointment for him). Anyway, the rat stayed with us.
Now the story begins. Year has passed and our rat got sick. She was loosing her hair, groaning, like she was trying to talk to us, etc. So we decided to get her some medicine.
At the pet store.
- Do you have some vitamins for rats?
- No.
- For cats?
- Yes, we have some for cats.
- Are they good for rats?
- No.
- So you don’t have anything for rats?
(Long pause)
- Well, we have something for rats. We have a rat poison, but it’s in another department.

My husband gave me a rat. A small, cream-colored pet rat. I am not particularly afraid of them, but I wasn’t excited either (which was a disappointment for him). Anyway, the rat stayed with us.
Now the story begins. A year passed and our rat got sick. She was loosing her hair, groaning, like if she was trying to talk to us, etc. So we decided to get her some medicine.
At the pet store.
- Do you have some vitamins for rats?
- No.
- For cats?
- Yes, we have some for cats.
- Are they good for rats?
- No.
- So you don’t have anything for rats?
(Long pause)
- Well, we have something. We have rat poison, but it’s in another department.

Originally Posted by FL

Austria<->Hungary

kwatts59, kalinka, thank you, guys! Bloody articles!