Mr. McGee, I am going to be frank. I find it extremely impertinent of you to try to 'improve' someone else's story in such a way, not to mention somewhat childish. And then to ask native speakers to correct YOUR version. Well! You are free to write as many of your own stories as you like; I would appreciate it, however, if you leave mine alone. I cannot force you, but I would also respectfully request that in future you refrain from contributing to any threads that I might start. And it is not that I am sensitive to criticism; when I require such, I will seek it from people whose opinion I value. Thank you.