Thread: Movie for kids - please check my translation :)

Hi, I promised one person to upload a Soviet kid's musical comedy "Каникулы Петрова и Васечкина" ("Holidays of Petrov and Vasechkin") (1984) to youtube (in a foreseeable future ), but I'd like to make English subs, so I'm going to translate it.
Please, help. I'll post dialogs and songs piece by piece, and I hope you'll check and correct my translation. Most of the characters are kids about 10-12 y/o, and I want them to speak naturally (in Russian their speech is not very slangish, but still it's very informal).

Here's the first part (it's an excerpt from the book, no need to check it):
- 01 -
"Явление последнее. Те же и жандарм.
Жандарм: Приехавший по именному повелению из Петербурга чиновник требует Вас сей же час к себе. Он остановился в гостинице.
Произнесенные слова как громом поражают всех. Звук изумления слетает с дамских уст. Вся группа, переменивши положение, остается в окаменении. Немая сцена."

LAST SCENE. The same and a Gendarme.
GENDARME. An official from St. Petersburg sent by imperial order has arrived, and wants to see you all at once. He is stopping at the inn.
All are struck as by a thunderbolt. A cry of amazement bursts from the ladies simultaneously. The whole group suddenly shifts positions and remains standing as if petrified.
SILENT SCENE

- 02 -
Kid 1: А вообще-то здорово. Смешно. Мне понравилось.
Kid 2: Здорово-то здорово, но неактуально. Cейчас таких доверчивых нет. Все умные.
Kid in glasses: Конечно. Кого сейчас обманешь? Только девчонок. Меня лично не обманешь.
Big Olya: Но-но, нас тоже не очень-то обманешь.
Scrawny kid: Конечно, Инна Андревна, я понимаю, классика есть классика. Но нам-то это зачем? Лучше что-нибудь современное поставить.
Girl 1: Точно.
Kid 1: А мне понравилось. Я б Хлестакова сыграл.

Corrected:
- In fact, it's good. Really funny. I liked it.
- Good - it's OK, but it's out of date. No one is that gullible nowadays. Everybody is so smart.
- True. Who can you trick now? Only little girls. I for one can't be tricked.
- Hey! We're not so easy to trick anymore, either.
- Sure, Inna Andreevna, I understand, the classics are the classics, but what's in it for us? It's better to stage something more up to date.
- Exactly.
- Well, I liked it. I'd like to play Khlestakov.

Here are my suggested corrections and alternatives:

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

- 02 -
- In fact, it's good. Funny/Really funny. I liked it.
- Good - it's fine/OK, but it's not timely/it's out of date. No one is that gullible nowadays. Everybody is so smart/Everyone knows too much.
- True. Who can you trick now? Only little girls. I for one can't be tricked.
- Hey! We hardly can/can hardly be tricked too.
- Sure, Inna Andreevna, I understand, the classics are the classics, but what's in it for us? It's better to stage something more up to date.
- That's right/Exactly.
- Well, I liked it. I'd like to play Khlestakov.

Whom has fallen into disuse in everyday speech, with who taking its place, especially in British English.

Encarta(R) World English Dictionary [North American Edition] (2007) http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861713004/who.html

Ура-а! Ken Watts, you're the kindest person on this forum. Today. Thank you!
I'd like to keep "Everybody is so smart" variant, because it's closer to the original. Does it sound natural enough?

Next part:

- 03 -
- Значит, вы считаете, что эта история несовременна?
- Разумеется! Конечно! Еще бы!
- Совершенно несовременна.
- А вот представим себе такие предполагаемые обстоятельства. Лето. Каникулы. Пионерский лагерь. И, скажем, ты - ответственный дежурный по лагерю...
- Я?
- Энергичный, честолюбивый, очень дорожащий своим авторитетом.
- Я? Да вы что, я не смогу. Это не моя роль.
- Ничего, ничего. Сейчас попробуем. Итак, представь себе, что в один прекрасный летний день ты, как обычно, шел по лагерю, придирчиво оглядывая все вокруг...

Corrected:
- So you think that this story is out of date?
- Exactly! Sure! You bet!
- Absolutely out of date.
- Here, imagine these likely circumstances. Summer. Holiday time. Young Pioneer camp. And let's suppose you're a camp monitor.
- Me?
- Vigorous, ambitious, relishing your authority.
- Me? Come on, I can't. It's not my role.
- It's ok. Let's try. So imagine that one fine summer day you were walking through the camp as usual, looking around captiously...

A short break. Watch a few short episodes from both movies:

1) "Adventures of Petrov and Vasechkin" (1983)
Могу тебе я, Маша, вмазать так... (0:42)
A longer one (it's hilarious ):
A play about Little Red Riding Hood(9:59)

2) "Holidays of Petrov and Vasechkin" (1984)
"Мы тоже очень рады..." (00:15) - мне лично сразу вспоминается "Вот уроды!" из "Брата-2".

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

I'd like to keep "Everybody is so smart" variant, because it's closer to the original. Does it sound natural enough?

Yes, it sounds natural to me.

In your next part your English is fine. Here are some alternatives to consider:

Here, imagine these supposed/likely circumstances. Summer. Holidays. Young Pioneer camp. And let's suppose you're a camp monitor/leader.

Young Pioneer camp (Russian: Пионерский лагерь)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_Pioneer_camp

. . . pioneer leader . . . up there in that watch tower.

http://histclo.com/youth/youth/org/pio/pioneerj.htm

Vigorous, ambitious, cherishing/relishing/really enjoying your authority.

. . . looking around captiously/to nitpick someone or something.

Thank you again! I appreciate your help. I didn't know pioneers are called "Young Pioneers". Weird, like there could be old pioneers.

But I have a few questions:
Is an expression "camp monitor" understandable? Because "leader" doesn't fit. "Ответственный дежурный" is not a Pioneer lider (my dictionary says 'Pioneer leader' means "вожатый", it's an older teenager, who looks after kids). "О.Д." is just a kid, who is a Young Pioneer himself and who is appointed by adults to check on things and to report if anything goes wrong.

Vigorous, ambitious, cherishing/relishing/really enjoying your authority.

Does "relishing" is an equivalent of "really enjoying"? "Очень дорожит" means not only thast he likes his authority, but that he makes serious efforts to keep it and is afraid to lose it. It's not very important, but still. Probably I should use direct translation: "valuing your authority".

PS. I fixed youtube links to the film excerpts. Thanks, M.

КАНИКУЛЫ ПЕТРОВА И ВАСЕЧКИНА - ОБЫКНОВЕННЫЕ И НЕВЕРОЯТНЫЕ
Шуточное музыкальное представление в двух картинах.
Картина первая. ХУЛИГАН (почти по Гоголю)

(табличка) ИДЕТ ЗАСЕДАНИЕ
Я пригласил вас, друзья, чтобы сообщить вам пренеприятное известие: К НАМ ЕДЕТ ХУЛИГАН.
Как хулиган? Зачем хулиган? Какой хулиган?
Самый настоящий ... ХУЛИГАН.
Вот-те на! Вот не было заботы..
Да он же может нам разрушить план учебно-воспитательной работы.

HOLIDAYS OF PETROV AND VASECHKIN - ordinary and extraordinary
Comic musical in two acts. Act one. Hooligan (almost on Gogol).

(sign) Meeting in Process
I have called you together, my friends, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. A hooligan is coming.*
What, hooligan? Why hooligan? What hooligan?
Pure and simple... hooligan.
Well, how do you like that? It's the last thing we need.
He'll ruin every plan we have, all work will go to seed.

*Direct quote from Gogol.
It's not word-by-word translation, I tried to preserve a rhyme. It's the best I could do, so I'm waiting for your suggestions and corrections, guys. :P

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

- So you think that this story is out of date?
- Exactly! Sure! You bet!
- Absolutely out of date.
- Here, imagine these supposed circumstances. Summer. Holidays. Pioneer camp. And let's suppose you're a camp monitor.
- Me?
- Vigorous, ambitious, cherishing your authority.
- Me? Come on, I can't. It's not my role.
- It's ok. Let's try. So imagine that one fine summer day you were walking through the camp as usual, looking around captiously...

Here, imagine the scene....it's summer. Holiday time. Pioneer camp - and you are a camp prefect .

prefect = a pupil (in a school situation) who supervises. Leader is good but it could mean an adult.

looking around captiously is unclear .... perhaps you mean suspiciously -
looking out for trouble.

relishing your authority / job means holding it in great esteem and getting a kick out of the power it gives you, so I think it fits well.

- Hey! We can hardly be tricked too.

This sounds weird, and is ungrammatical. (Hardly=negative, and we use "either" in place of "too" in negative sentences.)

It would be better to say:

- Hey! We're not so easy to trick anymore, either.

I think it's closer to the original, too.

Originally Posted by Matroskin Kot

- Hey! We're not so easy to trick anymore, either.

Thanks, Matroskin! I'll use it.
Please, help to translate "ответственный дежурный"!

Hello gRomo!

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Is an expression "camp monitor" understandable?

Yes, see: www.4-h.uiuc.edu/staff/FunFood_2007/Doc ... onitor.doc

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Does "relishing" is an equivalent of "really enjoying"?

Yes, I think so:

relish (ENJOY) - verb [T] SLIGHTLY FORMAL
1 to like or enjoy something:

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define. ... &dict=CALD

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Probably I should use direct translation: "valuing your authority".

If you're going with that I would add "very much" because of "очень", so
"very much valuing your authority".

As for your next text, here are my suggested corrections and alternatives:

(sign) Meeting in Progress/Session

What, a hooligan? Why is a hooligan coming? What hooligan?

Pure and simple... a hooligan.

He'll ruin every educational plan we have, all our teaching work will go to seed/will be all for naught/nothnig.

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Thanks, Matroskin! I'll use it.
Please, help _translate "ответственный дежурный"!

For a camp? Well, "camp monitor" is probably ok.
I've never been to Pioneer camp before, so I'm not sure.

"Group leader" might work, too.

Thank you, Mandy, for your suggestions. I rely on you in choosing the verb "relishing".

Originally Posted by Mandy

looking around captiously is unclear .... perhaps you mean suspiciously - looking out for trouble.

No, it's like he's looking around, checking if everything alright, but he's foing it overly thoroughly.
Ken Watts, thank you for the link about "camp monitor". It fits perfectly.

This is subs for the first part of the movie, I'm going to upload tomorrow, an intro. Thank you for your help, Ken Watts, Mandy and Matroskin Kot!
Last check:

- In fact, it's good. Really funny. I liked it.
- Good - it's OK, but it's out of date. No one is that gullible nowadays. Everybody is so smart.
- True. Who can you trick now? Only little girls. I for one can't be tricked.
- Hey! We're not so easy to trick anymore, either.
- Sure, Inna Andreevna, I understand, the classics are the classics, but what's in it for us? It's better to stage something more up to date.
- Exactly.
- Well, I liked it. I'd like to play Khlestakov.
- So you think that this story is out of date?
- Exactly! Sure! You bet!
- Absolutely out of date.
- Here, imagine these likely circumstances. Summer. Holiday time. Young Pioneer camp. And let's suppose you're a camp monitor.
- Me?
- Vigorous, ambitious, relishing your authority.
- Me? Come on, I can't. It's not my role.
- It's ok. Let's try. So imagine that one fine summer day you were walking through the camp as usual, looking around captiously...

HOLIDAYS OF PETROV AND VASECHKIN - ordinary and extraordinary
Comic musical in two acts. Act one. Hooligan (almost on Gogol).

(sign) Meeting in Progress

OK, now we're looking to improve the style, right? OK, I've put my recommendations in green.

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Generally, pretty good. It was funny. I liked it.
- Good - it's OK, but it's out of date. No one is that gullible nowadays. Everybody is so smart.
- True. Who can you trick now? Only little girls. I for one can't be tricked.
- Hey! We're not so easy to trick anymore, either.
- Sure, Inna Andreevna, I understand, the classics are the classics, but what's that to us? It'd be better to stage something more up to date.
- Exactly.
- Well, I liked it. I'd like to play Khlestakov.
- So you think that this story is out of date?
- Exactly! Of course! Rather!
- Completely out of date.
- Here, imagine these likely circumstances. Summer. Holiday time. Young Pioneer camp. And let's suppose you're a camp monitor.
- Me?
- Vigorous, ambitious, relishing your authority.
- Me? Come on, I can't. It's not my role.
- It's ok. Let's try. So imagine that one fine summer day you were walking through the camp as usual, looking around for a nit to pick...

HOLIDAYS OF PETROV AND VASECHKIN - ordinary and extraordinary
Comic musical in two acts. Act one. Hooligan (almost on Gogol).

(sign) Meeting in Progress

Originally Posted by Matroskin Kot

OK, now we're looking to improve the style, right? OK, I've put my recommendations in green.

Thank you! I trust you, and I used all of them. Though I almost cried when I had to delete "absolutely". I love this word.

From now on I'll post links to the finished videos in this topic:
http://masterrussian.net/mforum/viewtopic.php?t=14734

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Originally Posted by Matroskin Kot

OK, now we're looking to improve the style, right? OK, I've put my recommendations in green.

Thank you! I trust you, and I used all of them. Though I almost cried when I had to delete "absolutely". I love this word.

From now on I'll post links to the finished videos in this topic:
http://masterrussian.net/mforum/viewtopic.php?t=14734

You're welcome! Thanks for starting this project in the first place. I'm always willing to help spread the glory of Soviet-era films and animation.

Sorry about "absolutely". It is a good word, but (in English, at least) doesn't sound as good here. In fact, looking at it again, "exactly" doesn't fit perfectly, either. "No question" might be better, but it's ok. I'm the kind of person that never lets a project go. I'm always finding little things to improve. It's a wonder I ever get anything done!

Меня смущает это "almost on Gogol". Кот, это понятно для англоязычных?

Может быть, лучше "Almost after a Gogol's play", или что-то вроде "Based on a Gogol's play (well, almost)"?

Originally Posted by Matroskin Kot

I'm always willing to help spread the glory of Soviet-era films and animation.

Originally Posted by translations.nm.ru

Меня смущает это "almost on Gogol". Кот, это понятно для англоязычных?

Да, меня саму это смущает. Но сразу как-то не сообразила, да и никто не поправил... Выходит, понятно. Надеюсь. А менять поздно, т.к. я уже залила этот кусочек. Может, потом. Щас не терпится дальше переводить, самое интересное начинается.

У меня другой вопрос мирового значения: как песни переводить -стихами или прозой? Вроде стихами лучше, но дольше и ненадежней. Вот, я тут уже сваяла кусочек стишка... наверное, жуть страшная.

-04-

Я пригласил вас, друзья, чтобы сообщить вам пренеприятное известие: К НАМ ЕДЕТ ХУЛИГАН.
Как хулиган? Зачем хулиган? Какой хулиган?
Самый настоящий ... ХУЛИГАН.
Вот-те на! Вот не было заботы..
Да он же может нам разрушить план учебно-воспитательной работы.

- I have called you together, my friends, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. A hooligan is coming.
- What, a hooligan? Why a hooligan? What hooligan?
- Pure and simple... (a?) hooligan.
- Well, how do you like that? It's the last thing we need.
- He'll ruin every plan we have, all work will go to seed.
(Ken Watts gave an alternative to the last line. It's closer to the original, but it's not rhymed. Any suggestions?)

И главное - я будто чувствовал:
две вражеские лодки подводные
сегодня мне снились всю ночь.
Всплыли, перископы выставили,
A сами такие огромные, и тут же уплыли прочь.

What's more, I kinda sensed it:
two hostile submarines.
That's what I dreamed about all night long.
They surfaced, both were huge and grey...
They ..... periscopes, (как будет "поднимать перископы"? :P )
And then just sailed away.

Я поэт, зовусь я Цветик, от меня вам всем приветик. (с)

captiously .... over zealously ( similar mood to relishing your job )