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Thread: Please inspect and correct these verses for me.

  1. #1
    Почтенный гражданин Martin Miles's Avatar
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    Please inspect and correct these verses for me.

    Из-за своей любви к Венере
    Марс спотыкается;
    Благодаря многиям любвям
    Меркурий скорее двигается.

    Because of his love for Venus
    Mars stumbles;
    Thanks to his many loves
    Mercury races along.

    The last line is not translated literally.
    Девушка - лoвушка.

    Пожалуйста, кто-то скажи мне, есть ли ошибки где-то.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Miles View Post

    Благодаря многиям любвям
    Меркурий скорее двигается.
    Is it translating from English into Russian???

    If so, try to avoid using "любовь" in plural. любвям sounds very awkward.

    There can be many variants, for example:

    У Меркурия не одна любовь -
    И он движется легко и свободно

    (Lit., Mercury has more than one love, so he moves along easily and freely)

    The first 2 lines are OK.
    Martin Miles likes this.

  3. #3
    Почтенный гражданин Martin Miles's Avatar
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    Из-за своей любови к Венере
    Марс спотыкается
    У Меркурия не одна любовь
    Так легко он движется.
    Девушка - лoвушка.

    Пожалуйста, кто-то скажи мне, есть ли ошибки где-то.

  4. #4
    Ego
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    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Miles View Post
    Thanks to his many loves
    "Благодаря своей любвеобильности"

    may be that better? : )

  5. #5
    Почтенный гражданин Martin Miles's Avatar
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    That word might do to translate the sense, but the composition requires a shorter word. Nevertheless, bol'shoe spassibo!
    Девушка - лoвушка.

    Пожалуйста, кто-то скажи мне, есть ли ошибки где-то.

  6. #6
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    Очень любит Марс Венеру -
    Вот и спотыкается.
    А Меркурий любит многих -
    и вполне справляется!

    (частушка)

  7. #7
    Почтенный гражданин Martin Miles's Avatar
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    Eto - prekrasniy, dondublon. Spassibo! And you taught me something too. I looked up chastushka on Yandex. It said that a chastushka is a humorous composition, usually only four verses long, developed as an independent genre in the last third of the 19th century.
    Девушка - лoвушка.

    Пожалуйста, кто-то скажи мне, есть ли ошибки где-то.

  8. #8
    Завсегдатай Throbert McGee's Avatar
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    Martin -- you could also add that "chastushki" often have a bawdy element! This, and their short structure, makes them comparable to limericks, even though they have a different poetic meter.

    Metrically, chastushki are quite similar to such humorous quatrains as:

    Lizzie Borden took an axe
    And gave her mother forty whacks.
    When she saw what she had done,
    She gave her father forty-one.


    or

    Will fell down the elevator --
    Wasn't found till six days later
    Neighbors sniffed and said, "Gee whiz!
    What a spoiled child Willy is!"


    But thematically, chastushki are often closer to such limericks as:

    A plumber whose name was McGee
    Was plumbing a girl by the sea.
    Said she, "Cease your plumbing --
    I hear someone coming!"
    Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."


    or

    There once was a beautiful lass
    Who possessed a remarkable ass
    It was not round and pink,
    As you probably think,
    But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass!

  9. #9
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    Throbert McGee
    you absolutely right.

    Sorry, Martin. I didn't especially want to compose chastushka. It turned out itself

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