Thread: Why I love (and hate) dating Russian men (article)

I found this article while randomly googling an unrelated subject...

I love (and hate) dating Russian men - Salon.com

The article is written by a woman who was born in Russia but was raised in the US. She shares her experiences dating Russian men and the many cultural differences which make it so difficult for these couples to find understanding.

While American men often date and marry Russian women, it is very rare to find an American woman with a Russian man. Our different understandings of feminism are just the tip of the iceberg.

Having dated a few Russian guys myself in my younger years living in the then-USSR, I can completely appreciate and relate to this woman's experiences and frustrations. In fact, it sounds as if the guys are even more anti-feminist than they were in Soviet times.

Comments?

Here is the translation. In fact I never dated Russian men but I feel like that woman made special efforts to find such kind of men. Her experience looks quite exaggerated. What you like is what you get, no?

Originally Posted by it-ogo

Here is the translation. In fact I never dated Russian men but I feel like that woman made special efforts to find such kind of men. Her experience looks quite exaggerated. What you like is what you get, no?

I dunno... I loved some Russian guys with all my heart, but they could never accept me for who I am. To be with them, I would have to turn myself into a pretzel and I just couldn't do it... so I left Russia...

I don't think American guys are better... they don't try to change me as much and they are not as controlling, but on the other hand they are often not very romantic either.

I understood her frustrations.

A strange article. There are some things I agree, and there are way more things I strongly disagree. I am too lazy to provide detailed comments now. But the overall impression is the article is too exaggerated and is written by someone who hates men. It is just an impression the article gives me.

If you do not know Russian men at all, please do not believe that article!

Originally Posted by Боб Уайтман

A strange article. There are some things I agree, and there are way more things I strongly disagree. I am too lazy to provide detailed comments now. But the overall impression is the article is too exaggerated and is written by someone who hates men. It is just an impression the article gives me.

If you do not know Russian men at all, please do not believe that article!

I didn't get the impression that she "hates" men... I got the impression that she is frustrated, and hurt, and heartbroken and running out of hope.

Originally Posted by Deborski

I didn't get the impression that she "hates" men... I got the impression that she is frustrated, and hurt, and heartbroken and running out of hope.

What I got was that she's in search for what fits just for her, and she's analyzing all of her previous experiences to combine all their good sides into a perfect one, leaving out all the bad sides. She didn't sound pessimist enough to me. =))

Originally Posted by it-ogo

Here is the translation. In fact I never dated Russian men but I feel like that woman made special efforts to find such kind of men. Her experience looks quite exaggerated. What you like is what you get, no?

I agree -- she lives in the USA! Why is she trying to date Russian men? If she doesn't like them, then date regular Americans or some other nationality.

For the record: I read a very entertaining chronicle by a Finnish columnist, called "Dating the men of our neighbouring countries. She had dated men from Sweden, Estonia and Russia. While the "statistical sample" of her little survey wasn't large, she nevertheless made some observations that I thought were good --- and she used Finnish men as the norm.

She had ended up marrying the Russian guy and was really enjoying the super tight family bonds in his family. So she was saying that unlike with the other nationalities, she got a whole new family with this guy which was nice for her, an only child with only her mother living.

Not sure how typical that was. She also described the Russian guy as very independent, which she liked, macho and quite passionate (the last two seem to be the stereotype about Russian men). The guy she married actually lived in Finland though, so I am not sure how typical he was. Her one complaint about him was that he was a fitness fanatic.

One line that I found in a certain way interesting made me kind of curious about this feature of Russian way relationships, so any Russians here, could you please shed some light on it, is that true that if you stare at a Russian girl in public, her boyfriend might punch you?

Originally Posted by Eric C.

One line that I found in a certain way interesting made me kind of curious about this feature of Russian way relationships, so any Russians here, could you please shed some light on it, is that true that if you stare at a Russian girl in public, her boyfriend might punch you?

I've seen American guys behave that way.

Originally Posted by Deborski

I've seen American guys behave that way.

You have to memorize a few things to survive in this world, and one of them is not to harass quarterbacks' girlfriends.

Originally Posted by Eric C.

One line that I found in a certain way interesting made me kind of curious about this feature of Russian way relationships, so any Russians here, could you please shed some light on it, is that true that if you stare at a Russian girl in public, her boyfriend might punch you?

Perhaps if the guy is a quarterback type... and a dumbass.

Best "snark" from the comments:

I've learned more from Yakov Smirnov. [...] "In America, you choose boyfriend! In Post-Soviet Russia, boyfriend choose you!"

Beyond that, I don't have much to offer from my personal experience! In my final months in Moscow, I did briefly date a Russian guy, but things didn't get too deeply involved because we knew that I would be returning to the US before too long. And, as you'd imagine, the Relationship Dynamic is different when it's two males.

He was a very nice guy, though. One thing I found very endearing is that he really admired black men and had a crush on Denzel Washington -- which was a refreshing change from the rather casual "обезьяны" racism I'd heard from some Russian people.

It would be different if you are a man, indeed.

I loved my Russian friends.

I would have taken a bullet for any one of them.

It meant nothing.

It's strange that some members here think Ms. Bruk's account is 'exaggerated' (it's worth noticing that she is Russian only by blood, and American by all the rest). I find it a most sincere and well written essay and it's great that Deb found the link. Here is the author's personal page for those interested Diana Bruk | writer. editor. life enthusiast

What the author says is 100% true as she knows what she is writing about. She might be a tiny bit frustrated (which is small wonder considering she is quite educated), but it's mostly a sober and analytical account. It seems however that she is attracted by men with certain traits (and her description is very sincere, don't you think?); i think she is honest in her analysis of her relationships. She often describes the notorious cultural differences that are always there.

Originally Posted by alexsms

It's strange that some members here think Ms. Bruk's account is 'exaggerated' (it's worth noticing that she is Russian only by blood, and American by all the rest). I find it a most sincere and well written essay and it's great that Deb found the link. Here is the author's personal page for those interested Diana Bruk | writer. editor. life enthusiast

What the author says is 100% true as she knows what she is writing about. She might be a tiny bit frustrated (which is small wonder considering she is quite educated), but it's mostly a sober and analytical account. It seems however that she is attracted by men with certain traits (and her description is very sincere, don't you think?); i think she is honest in her analysis of her relationships. She often describes the notorious cultural differences that are always there.

"***What the author says is 100% true*** as she knows what she is writing about."

How come I don't believe you?

Originally Posted by 14Russian

"***What the author says is 100% true*** as she knows what she is writing about."

How come I don't believe you?

I think all she writes is true cos I live in Russia. No reason to think she might make up something. Very close to real state of affairs.

Originally Posted by alexsms

It's strange that some members here think Ms. Bruk's account is 'exaggerated' (it's worth noticing that she is Russian only by blood, and American by all the rest). I find it a most sincere and well written essay and it's great that Deb found the link. Here is the author's personal page for those interested Diana Bruk | writer. editor. life enthusiast

What the author says is 100% true as she knows what she is writing about. She might be a tiny bit frustrated (which is small wonder considering she is quite educated), but it's mostly a sober and analytical account. It seems however that she is attracted by men with certain traits (and her description is very sincere, don't you think?); i think she is honest in her analysis of her relationships. She often describes the notorious cultural differences that are always there.

Her experience reminded me a lot of my own experience, although we are separated by a generation (or two). Russian guys were not all that much different in Soviet times than they are now, really, if what she is saying is true. I am not sure what motive she would have to lie about her experience or "exaggerate." But then, in life, men have often accused me of lying or exaggerating whenever I called them on their bullshit, too

In my experience, American men were more understanding of women's rights issues and more encouraging of my career goals and dreams than Russian guys were.

But Russian guys, frankly, turned me on more than American guys. They were more romantic, more tender and sensual, more gentlemanly and protective. Russian guys would get so offended (!!!) if I offered to "dutch treat" (share expenses, for those unfamiliar with this expression) on a date. They treated me like a "lady" and that was refreshing after so many American guys were treating me (pretty much) like another guy. The downside of that, is Russian guys usually thought that my sole purpose in life should be having babies.

On the other hand, I have also dated a lot of sexist PIGS in the US. One guy I briefly dated in my 20's, a Navy cadet who worked on submarines, told me the following: "A guy should stick with his buddies. If it comes down to a (life or death) choice, a guy should save his buddy, not his girlfriend."

So I asked him, "What if your girlfriend IS your buddy?"

He could not believe that it was possible to have the same level of affection for a woman, as for a man. I did not date him again. In fact, I threw him out of my apartment one fine day when he thought he would leave his dirty clothing there for me to wash.

Another American guy I dated, this one was a state trooper (cop) screwed me one time and then dumped me. It left me heartbroken for at least a year. He saw me as a "trophy" and he even told me so. He just wanted to screw me once, and frankly he was not any good in bed. But I had feelings for him, which scared him and he ran away like a cowardly little rabbit.

Russian guys broke my heart, but American guys broke my heart just as badly, so I completely understand this writer's frustrations as a woman. She wants someone who will love her like a Russian, but let her achieve her dreams like an American.

Does such a man exist? I don't know.

Originally Posted by Deborski

Another American guy I dated, this one was a state trooper (cop) screwed me one time and then dumped me. It left me heartbroken for at least a year. He saw me as a "trophy" and he even told me so. He just wanted to screw me once, and frankly he was not any good in bed. But I had feelings for him, which scared him and he ran away like a cowardly little rabbit.

You did a similar thing (you wrote about it in your blog), didn't you? I don't accuse you, of course.
It's iteresting that in Soviet Russia nearly all the women worked and had few children.

Originally Posted by Marcus

You did a similar thing (you wrote about it in your blog), didn't you? I don't accuse you, of course.
It's iteresting that in Soviet Russia nearly all the women worked and had few children.

Yeah, but Marcus, I felt terrible about it and I said so in my blog. The cop who screwed me didn't feel bad about what he did at all. He was actually PROUD of himself for using me! And also, I didn't see Sasha as a "trophy"... I even told him up front that it was only a fling. The cop intentionally manipulated my feelings so I would love him and have sex with him, and then he bragged to me that it was all a game and I was just a trophy to him and nothing more. He was deliberately hurtful. I made an unintentional, though stupid, mistake. There is a difference.

Originally Posted by Deborski

So I asked him, "What if your girlfriend IS your buddy?"

A buddy girlfriend is a chimeric dream of most men. Basically you can tell your buddy whatever BS you like and still be h(is) best friend, because ()he accepts you as you are, that is what buddies are for. It is hardly the case with women in my experience.