Thread: I'm trying to write a fiction book in English. Just for fun :)

A more elaborate explanation why I didn't use your suggestions:

appeared somehow here in Belarus Soviet Union, in 1941.

Gonna use it

and the immediate pain told him he wasn’t.

Gonna remove the 'immediate' and leave only "the pain".
The pain is because he knows the source of the pain.
I know that you know. It's Basics.
I'm definitely overusing the word 'immediate(ly)' -- trying to struggle with it.

village at moment and it’s about 70 miles over 100 km to Minsk

No way. It'll be miles. Peter is American and she just tried not to puzzle him with calculations.

hey have horses at least.

Yup but I don't think someone would lend him one. They'd find a thousand excuses instead.

the border frontline is in a stone’s throw

already explained

keep in mind that Peter KNOWS what would happen.

He doesn't. Explained. I don't believe in the overall knowledge. Sorry, but it's just that.

Considering the pre-war propaganda the oncoming war should have been swift and take place on enemy's territory.

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe particularly true. Many people had connections with polish relatives, friends etc, and when the german troops were accumulating on the Polish territory, I'm sorry but I don't believe there weren't rumors about it.

‘What about you?’ Peter asked, ‘Look at those bombers, the Germans will be here within a week! You HAVE to leave immediately!’

Maybe. I'll think about it.

Always keep in mind that Peter knows what would soon happen. At least in general terms.

Ok, I'll try to stick with it wherever possible.

I will not evacuate leave at all I'm not going to leave

Peter used this word. Word used correctly. Why should she change it?

In the first days of the war there was total chaos

Someone smart would know that or at least could guess. I pretend that she was smart Just my choice.

in this weak little woman who was going to fight till the end

is the selected piece really necessary? Why? If someone else seconds your point I'll correct it right away.

while he, the a strong man

'the' is an exaggeration here. I think it's ok. If someone else tells me it reads bad, same story.

strong man the defender who supposed to be defending them

1. who was supposed...
2. the defender is another exaggeration
3. the "if someone else-thing".

‘Foreigners, heh! And just who the hell then I am?’ he thought,

Not sure it's better.

‘Why the God or whoever played this mean joke

I thought God could be referred either way, with or without the article. As a proper noun, like a name, or just like a noun. Like a job position.

Should I immediately run away now or should I stay

Great. Gonna use it. This 'immediately' again.

or should I stay and (try to) help these people?

Well, maybe. I'm not sure yet. Probably I'll use it as well.

Where would he run? Back into the woods? No transport - you said this yourself.

Yeah, right. I'm trying to make a point about him deciding if he wants to continue on the attempts to leave or not. Not to really "leave".

and prove something as atonement in redemption for (to redeem) my old life?

Not sure.

These were questions without answers. Peter virtually heard the sarcastic voice in his head:

These were -- I intentionally omitted them. "If someone else....you know"
the voice -- whose voice? He doesn't know that. He doesn't know the owner of the voice. Why 'the' then?

------

Sorta like that.

Originally Posted by Medved

No way. It'll be miles. Peter is American and she just tried not to puzzle him with calculations.

She must be really smart in order to mentally divide the distance in kilometers by 1.6 on the fly. I needed a calculator, to be honest. Besides, all those little details about the US measure system were far less known these days. There was no internet

Yup but I don't think someone would lend him one. They'd find a thousand excuses instead.

Say so then. Don't tell there was no transportation.

He doesn't. Explained. I don't believe in the overall knowledge. Sorry, but it's just that.

He knew at least that there WAS a war. A quite bloody one and Peter was born not long after it had ended. Same with the frontline - he knew there would be a frontline.
Anyway - it's YOUR story, I just want to explain my point.

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe particularly true. Many people had connections with polish relatives, friends etc, and when the german troops were accumulating on the Polish territory, I'm sorry but I don't believe there weren't rumors about it.

A bit of info about pre-war German-Soviet relations:
We had a non-agression pact. Poland was invaded not only by the Germans, but also by Soviet Union according by the infamous secret addendum to it. German troops massed in Poland was no surprise all things considered, besides there were no spy satellites, no spy planes. It was quite difficult to assess the real magnitude of the force that has been stationed near the borders. Spies did their work, but Stalin simply refused to believe in their reports. (Richard Sorge's story is quite illustrative). All who were spreading 'rumors' about the oncoming German aggression were considered provocators and dealt with quite abruptly. The border itself was locked. No contacts were possible. I mean it. Quite the opposite - we were actually 'friends' with the Germans.

Again - all I am telling you about is provided just for your information. You can deal with it as you see fit.

Peter used this word. Word used correctly. Why should she change it?

Perhaps, he's from our time, after all. He could use this word. But Ann should be surprised to hear that. She still might have believed that the Red Army would get rid of the invaders in a matter of weeks. That's what she'd been constantly told by the authorities. The disillusionment would come later.

n this weak little woman who was going to fight till the end
is the selected piece really necessary? Why? If someone else seconds your point I'll correct it right away.

Simple grammar:
to be going to do smth.
Here, you can't omit the 'to be' part

'the' is an exaggeration here. I think it's ok. If someone else tells me it reads bad, same story.

Well, I'm not the native English speaker, but personally I think this is simply bad grammar, not an exaggerration. Putting 'the' here would mean he was the ONLY strong man in the vicinity.

2. the defender is another exaggeration

You have some very odd views on how the exaggerrations are expressed in English.

and prove something as atonement in redemption for (to redeem) my old life?

Not sure.

Well, I'm sure in this one. Redemption is the right word here. 100% guarantee. (follow my advice and google the word usage).

the voice -- whose voice? He doesn't know that. He doesn't know the owner of the voice. Why 'the' then?

Well, this I can agree with. You can use both. But since it was the ONLY voice in HIS head... well, I thought 'the' would be more appropriate.

P.S.
Generally - Peter is not only from the future - he's an old man in spite of his new young body. He's 60, not 25. He's experienced and knows much of life (at least that's what he thinks he does ). It would be unfair if he would act as dumb as a young man would.