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Thread: Check my text please!

  1. #1
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Smile Check my text please!

    It was a warm spring day. The 1st of May. Yes, it was the Labor day, the Day of Spring. Every year we have a parade in our city in honor of this day. A lot of organizations take part in this parade.
    My friends and I were students. And of course we always have no enough money.
    We decided to take part in the parade because some firms paid money to people who advertise their products. We joined to firm which produce pop-corn. One of staff gave us bright T-shirts and caps. One guy puts on a funny wig and a red nose. He had to go by bicycle with a big basket. That basket was full of pop-corn. And we had to go behind him and shout: "Eat pop-corn - It's a nice ton" (есть поп-корн – хороший тон).
    Other people were shouting their funny or serious slogans. A voice from loudspeakers was over our heads: "A job for young people! A worthy future for our children!"...etc. And people were shouting "Hurray!" and laughing was everywhere. There were many balloons around - ballons like a huge bumblebee (from Beeline)*, balloons like large flowers; red, blue, green, yellow balloons. The column of people went on the main street - the Muravev-Amurskiy Street. It was a very long column. We were waiting 30 minutes after it starts to move when we could go. There were many townsmen standing along the street. They had fun.
    When people (were passing) a central square (of course it's called the Lenin square) they (launch) their balloons to the sky. And it was very beautiful when many bright balloons flew in the sky. People found some of this balloons on the other bank of the Amur a few days later.
    After the parade we got money. All our 250 rubles to each. And then we went for a walk and spent all money including those that we have earned.

    * WOW! I just understood which bond between a bee and the mobile operator

  2. #2
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    One knows what it exists when people write something on dirty cars: "wash me" "vasya was here" and etc. Yesterday I saw another words. A car was near me and it was a phrase on it's dirty door: "And I have a dirty finger now". Somebody wrote the phrase with his finger. Maybe it doesn't funny but I like it. And I think it's like from a Zadornov concert. I image how he read this from his note "this is incredible people". I looked on this phrase and imagined how this men stands near the car, thoughtful, and his finger slowly slip on the metal surface and writes this round accurate letters. I wrote this story in my iPhone in a bus, when I went home. Sorry, if you don't like this story but it's important for me. I write this to improve my English. And also....I have always wanted to write notes, short articles. And I decided to try to implement my ideas here. I hope you'll help me.

  3. #3
    Почтенный гражданин Inego's Avatar
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    Haha, that inscription was rather funny and creative

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    Good story! You only had a few minor errors. The rest were mainly words that are not used very often today (outdated) but I could easily understand everything you meant to say. I rewrote each of your sentences to give you an idea of how I would write it. I did not mean to take away any of the original meaning that you implied, but just to give you a general idea. The only other problem I noticed was when you begin a new sentence, you started a new sentence with "And" which you should not do.

    I am from the United States so some of the words I used may be different than other English speaking people.


    "It was a warm spring day. The 1st of May. Yes, it was the Labor day, the Day of Spring. Every year we have a parade in our city in honor of this day. A lot of organizations take part in this parade".

    It was a warm spring day on the first of May. Today was Labor Day; the day of Spring. Every year we have a parade in our city in honor of this day. Many organizations take part in this parade.

    Usually when writing, we combine short sentences that are related to each other and create a longer sentence to make the story "sound better" or more pleasant to read.


    "My friends and I were students. And of course, we always have no enough money.
    We decided to take part in the parade because some firms (businesses/companies) paid money to people who advertise their products. We joined to firm which produces (the word makes could also be used) pop-corn. One of staff gave us bright T-shirts and caps (Hat could also be used). One guy puts on a funny wig and a red nose. He had to go by (Ride) a bicycle with a big basket. That basket was full of pop-corn. And we had to go behind him and shout: "Eat pop-corn - It's a nice ton" (есть поп-корн – хороший тон)."

    The word “and” is used to as a conjunction to connect sentences and is not used at the start of a sentence. It is also used like the Russian И.

    My friends and I were students and of course, we never have enough money. We decided to take part in the parade because some businesses paid money to people who advertise their products. We joined a business which produces popcorn. One of the staff gave us bright T-shirts and caps. One guy put on a funny wig and a red nose. He had to ride a bicycle with a big basket full of popcorn. We had to go behind him and shout “eat popcorn”.

    "Other people were shouting their funny or serious slogans. A voice from loudspeakers was over our heads: "A job for young people! A worthy future for our children!"...etc. And People were shouting "Hurray!" and laughing was everywhere. There were many balloons around (there were balloons everywhere would also work) - ballons like a huge bumblebee (from Beeline)*, balloons like large flowers; red, blue, green, yellow balloons."

    Other people were shouting their funny or serious slogans. A voice from the loudspeakers came on over our heads “A job for young people! A worthy future for our children!” etc. People were shouting “Hurray!” and laughter was everywhere. There were many balloons around. Some balloons looked like huge bumblebees and others looked like large colorful* flowers.

    *The spelling is different depending which country you live in.

    "The column of people went on the main street - the Muravev-Amurskiy Street. It was a very long column. We were waiting 30 minutes after it starts to move when we could go. There were many townsmen* standing along* the street. They had fun."

    *townsmen is not used very often (In the U.S. anyways).

    *on is another commonly used word.

    The line of people went on the main street (Muravev-Amurskiy Street). It was a very long line. We were waiting for 30 minutes before we could start moving again. There were many people standing on the street. They had fun.

    "When people (were passing) a central square (of course it's called the Lenin square) they (launch) their balloons to the sky. And it was very beautiful when many bright balloons flew in the sky. People found some of this balloons on the other bank of the Amur a few days later".

    When people passed Lenin square, they released their balloons into the sky. It was very beautiful when many brightly colored balloons flew in the sky. People found some of the balloons on the other bank of the Amur a few days later.

    "After the parade we got money. All our 250 rubles to each. And then we went for a walk and spent all money including those that we have earned*".

    After the parade, we each got 250 rubles and then we went for a walk spending all of our money.

    *When you say you spent all of your money, it implies that you spent the money you just earned from working in the parade. So you do not have to say you did unless you really want to.

    Medved, Marcus, Inego and 3 others like this.

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    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Thanks Matthew!
    You very helped me. Yours comments and explanation are useful for me.

  6. #6
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Hello
    I want to tell you I went to a cinema yesterday, with my husband. we saw "Number 17." This is film about the first meet Soviet hockey team with Canada. It was a great event in a field of international relations and world sport. I like sport but what about hockey....I look mainly  important competitions - Olimpyc Games,  world Championships and games with team 'Amur" (this is team of our city). Also I want to Russian cinema was powerful and interesting. What is why I decided to see this film. I have no any regrets about it! It's my subjective opinion the film is cool! I got a lot of emotions. I even applauded. I know there some moments are not true . but the idea itself is great! We watched this match on the internet today. I think they are hero those people whom could to overcome their fear of the real champions, great players. Those guys  came to the country where everybody knew they are losers. and they were able to get up courage and won. Of course there were many players which are great - Tretyak, Kharlamov, Zimin, Petrov and others, and of course players from Canadian team. I hope our hockey will be such powerful and interesting as in the USSR. Don't think this just a trying to remember one moment from the past and I'm glad of this, no. I think our sportsmen do many great things! And I believe they will win many times. I hope our young hockey players will want to be such great men like Kharlamov and others, not for money but for love to hockey itself.

  7. #7
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Hello! Could you check my text about film if you have free time

  8. #8
    Старший оракул Seraph's Avatar
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    Here is a little try at it:

    I want to tell you I went to the movies yesterday, with my husband. (I want to tell you about the movie I watched with my husband yesterday. ) We saw "Number 17." This film is about the first meeting of the Soviet hockey team with Team Canada. It was a great event in the field of international relations and world sport. I like sport, but as for hockey....I watch mainly the important competitions – the Olympic Games, world Championships and games with team 'Amur" (this is the team of our city) (could also write: ‘this is our city’s team’). Also I want to relate to you the power and interest of Russian cinema. That is why I decided to see this film. I have no regrets about it! It's my subjective opinion, the film is cool! (or “extremely well done!”) It was a very emotional film for me. I even applauded. I know there were some moments that were not quite true. But the idea itself was still great! We watched this match on the internet today. I think they are (were) real heroes. They were able to overcome their fear of the real champions, great players. The Soviet team came to the country where everybody looked on them as losers. And they were able to get up courage and won (win). Of course there were many great players on the Soviet team - Tretyak, Kharlamov, Zimin, Petrov and others, and of course players from the Canadian team. I hope our hockey will be just as powerful and interesting as it was in the USSR (or “Soviet times”). Please don't think that this is just an attempt to remember one moment from the past and bask in the reflected glory of the past. I think our sportsmen still do many great things! And I believe they will win again many times. I hope our young hockey players will want to be like the great men, like Kharlamov and others, not for money but for the love of hockey itself.

    For sports in general you can see an expression like "for the love of the game (sport) itself" and this could go in the last sentence: "...not for money but for the love of the game itself." or "...for the love of the game alone." And so this same expression can be dropped in for whatever the sport being discussed is, without having to name it.
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matthew.T View Post


    "It was a warm spring day. The 1st of May. Yes, it was the Labor day, the Day of Spring. Every year we have a parade in our city in honor of this day. A lot of organizations take part in this parade".

    It was a warm spring day on the first of May. Today was Labor Day; the day of Spring. Every year we have a parade in our city in honor of this day. Many organizations take part in this parade.

    Usually when writing, we combine short sentences that are related to each other and create a longer sentence to make the story "sound better" or more pleasant to read.
    Can't it be a stylistic feature? One sentence is devided at several ones on purpose.

  10. #10
    Старший оракул Seraph's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
    Can't it be a stylistic feature? One sentence is devided at several ones on purpose.
    It is actually a stylistic feature. The Kansas City Star style guide. Ernest Hemingway wrote with this style. Possibly the best advice there is. Write in short simple sentences. "You can't go wrong."

    "On the Star," he said, many years later, "you were forced to learn to write a simple declarative sentence. That is useful to anyone." http://grammar.about.com/od/editorsa...Star-Style.htm
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  11. #11
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    Hello JamarriJa.
    Seraph's check is a good one. Here's my own try, just so you have more than one to think about.
    1. Green one. Only small changes.
    I'd like to tell you I went to the cinema yesterday with my husband. We saw "Number 17." This is a film about the first meeting between the Soviet and Canadian hockey teams. It was a great event in the fields of international relations and world sport. I like sport, but what about hockey? ....I mainly watch important competitions - Olympic Games, World Championships and games with 'Amur' (this is the team of our city). Also, I want to tell you Russian cinema is powerful and interesting, which is why I decided to see this film. I have no regrets about it! It's my subjective opinion that the film is cool! I felt a lot of emotions. I even applauded. I know there were some moments that were not true, but the idea itself was great!
    We watched this match on the internet today. I think they are heroes, those people who could overcome their fear of real champions and great players. Those guys went to a country where everyone thought they were losers. They were able to work up their courage, and they won. Of course, there were many players which were great - Tretyak, Kharlamov, Zimin, Petrov and others, and of course players from the Canadian team.
    I hope our hockey will be as powerful and interesting as it was in the USSR. Don't think of this as only one single moment in the past that I'm glad of, no. I think our sportsmen do many great things! And I believe they will win many times. I hope our young hockey players will want to be as great as Kharlamov and others, not for money but for the love of hockey itself.


    2. Or like this. Some more changes here. A bit more complex.
    I'd like to tell you about yesterday. I went to the cinema with my husband. We saw Number 17, a film about the first time the Soviet and Canadian hockey teams met. This was a great event in the fields of international relations and world sport. I like sport, and when it comes to hockey I mainly watch the important competitions: the Olympic Games, World Championships and Amur's games (this is our city's team).
    (I'd like to tell you that )Russian cinema is powerful and interesting, which is why I decided to see this film. I don't regret it! It's subjective, but in my opinion this is a cool film! I felt a lot of emotion. I even applauded. I know some moments weren't factually true/ weren't historically true/ weren't accurate/ were fictional, but the general idea was great!
    We watched this match on the internet today. I think those players were heroes, overcoming their fears in the face of real champions and such great opponents. Those guys travelled to a country where everyone thought of them as losers, and they were able to build up their courage and win. Of course, there were many great players - Tretyak, Kharlamov, Zimin, Petrov and the others, and many greats on the Canadian team, too. I hope modern hockey will continue to be as powerful and interesting as it was during the USSR. Don't think of this as only nostalgia, I think our sportsmen today still achieve great things! I believe they will continue to win. I hope our young hockey players want to become as great as men such as Kharlamov, and not for the sake of money, but for the love of hockey itself.

    I hope this is useful! (and by the way, I'm from the UK and I watched a lot of кхл games this year!)
    JamarriJa likes this.

  12. #12
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Oh guys! thank you all very much! I'm glad that I have several variants of some my sentence bouth from you (Seraph's and Gadgy's). I'm regret that I can't to be glad for our team after meeting with USA on the World Chempionat in this year. But my hope is living! I have some questions.
    I made a mistake in this phrase 'I want to Russian cinema was powerful and interesting'. I wanted to say "Я хочу, чтобы российское кино было сильным и интересным". In this case I want use "было" not as "существовало, стало, являлось", It was powerfull and interesting, It is powerfull and iteresting, and I hope It will be powerfull and interesting.
    like this sence "I want you be happy"="Я желаю тебе быть счастливым=Я хочу, чтобы ты был счастливым". It doesn't mean that you was unhappy before, but it means that I wish happyness for you for all your life. So, how can I say it about Russian cinema correct?
    Seraph, thanks for Ernest Hemingway. Gadgy your second variant is much better then mine. I like this.

  13. #13
    Старший оракул Seraph's Avatar
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    "Я хочу, чтобы российское кино было сильным и интересным". In this case I want use "было" not as "существовало, стало, являлось", It was powerfull and interesting, It is powerfull and iteresting, and I hope It will be powerfull and interesting.
    ...like this sence "I want you be happy"="Я желаю тебе быть счастливым=Я хочу, чтобы ты был счастливым".
    Possibly something like "I would that Russian cinema always be (as) powerful and interesting."
    Other sentence, something like, "I would that you always be happy!"

  14. #14
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Seraph;248108]Possibly something like "I would that Russian cinema always be (as) powerful and interesting."

    Maybe I can use 'such' in this case for more an emotional tinge?
    I would that Russian cinema always be such powerfull and interesting.

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    Почтенный гражданин 14Russian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JamarriJa View Post
    Maybe I can use 'such' in this case for more an emotional tinge?
    I would that Russian cinema always be such powerfull and interesting.
    ***I would that***Russian cinema always be (as) powerful and interesting"

    ***I would that*** Russian cinema always be such powerfull and interesting.

    Huh?!? I'm guessing, but I suspect you mean, 'I wish that...'

    Suggested edit: I wish that Russian cinema would always be so powerful and interesting.

  16. #16
    Старший оракул Seraph's Avatar
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    "May Russian cinema always be so powerful and interesting!" "May you always be happy!"

    Some think that "I would that..." is archaic. Oh well. It's comprehensible to me anyway.
    http://english.stackexchange.com/que...mar-in-dracula

    Можно сказать?:
    Да будет так сильно и интересно российское кино навсегда!
    Да будет Вам счастье навсегда!

  17. #17
    Moderator Lampada's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    "May Russian cinema always be so powerful and interesting!" "May you always be happy!"

    Some think that "I would that..." is archaic. Oh well. It's comprehensible to me anyway.
    modal verbs - Strange grammar in Dracula - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange

    Можно сказать?:
    Да будет так сильно и интересно российское кино навсегда!
    Да будет Вам счастье навсегда!
    Жизнеутверждающее пафосное "Да будет" имеет более ограниченное применение. Это можно воскликнуть после какого-то героического поступка или с трибуны.
    Да будет свет! (сказал электромонтёр)
    Да будет жизнь!
    "Да будет вера твоя крепка!"
    (ц.)

    Сделайте так и будет вам счастье!

    Пусть всегда будет солнце!
    Пусть всегда будет мама! ...
    (из детской песни)

  18. #18
    Старший оракул Seraph's Avatar
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    Благодарю Вас за добрую помощь!

  19. #19
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Seraph;248181]
    modal verbs - Strange grammar in Dracula - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange
    Seraph, thanks for this link. It was iteresting for me. I think your variant "I would that Russian cinema always be powerful and interesting" is better for me for the time being.
    14Russian, as I read about "I wish..." in my case it will be understand like I want this but, unfortunatelly, it doesn't possible. Maybe I'm wrong, I'll learn this question more. Anyway thank you all

  20. #20
    Увлечённый спикер JamarriJa's Avatar
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    Hello! In my childhood I heard music in one cartoon about a painter and an alien. I often hum the tune to myself. Recently I found which song was it. You know this song from a film – ‘The Godfather.’
    Speak softly, love, and hold me warm against your heart
    I feel your words, the tender, trembling moments start
    We’re in a world, our very own
    Sharing a love that only few have ever known
    Wine-colored days warmed by the sun
    Deep velvet nights when we are one
    Speak softly, love, so no one hears us but the sky
    The vows of love we make will live until we die
    My life is yours and all because
    You came into my world with love so softly love
    Wine-colored days warmed by the sun
    Deep velvet nights when we are one
    Speak softly, love, so no one hears us but the sky
    The vows of love we make will live until we die
    My life is yours and all because
    You came into my world with love so softly love

    This very beautiful song and I want to learn it. Could you help me with my translation of the song? I know that it doesn’t poetry but I want know, is there right sense?
    Говори тихо, любимая, и держи меня в тепле своего сердца,
    Я чувствую твои слова, нежное, трепетное начало.
    В этом мире мы и наша
    Общая любовь, которую лишь некоторые когда-либо знали.
    Вишневые дни согреты солнцем,
    Бархатные ночи глубоки, когда мы одни.
    Говори тихо любимая, чтобы никто не слышал нас кроме неба.
    Данная нами клятва любви будет жить, пока мы не умрем.
    Моя жизнь твоя, и все потому
    Что ты пришла в мой мир с любовью, такой тихой любовью.

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