Thread: Why I love (and hate) dating Russian men (article)

Originally Posted by alexsms

It's strange that some members here think Ms. Bruk's account is 'exaggerated' (it's worth noticing that she is Russian only by blood, and American by all the rest). I find it a most sincere and well written essay and it's great that Deb found the link. Here is the author's personal page for those interested Diana Bruk | writer. editor. life enthusiast

What the author says is 100% true as she knows what she is writing about. She might be a tiny bit frustrated (which is small wonder considering she is quite educated), but it's mostly a sober and analytical account. It seems however that she is attracted by men with certain traits (and her description is very sincere, don't you think?); i think she is honest in her analysis of her relationships. She often describes the notorious cultural differences that are always there.

"***What the author says is 100% true*** as she knows what she is writing about."

How come I don't believe you?

Originally Posted by alexsms

It's strange that some members here think Ms. Bruk's account is 'exaggerated' (it's worth noticing that she is Russian only by blood, and American by all the rest). I find it a most sincere and well written essay and it's great that Deb found the link. Here is the author's personal page for those interested Diana Bruk | writer. editor. life enthusiast

What the author says is 100% true as she knows what she is writing about. She might be a tiny bit frustrated (which is small wonder considering she is quite educated), but it's mostly a sober and analytical account. It seems however that she is attracted by men with certain traits (and her description is very sincere, don't you think?); i think she is honest in her analysis of her relationships. She often describes the notorious cultural differences that are always there.

Her experience reminded me a lot of my own experience, although we are separated by a generation (or two). Russian guys were not all that much different in Soviet times than they are now, really, if what she is saying is true. I am not sure what motive she would have to lie about her experience or "exaggerate." But then, in life, men have often accused me of lying or exaggerating whenever I called them on their bullshit, too

In my experience, American men were more understanding of women's rights issues and more encouraging of my career goals and dreams than Russian guys were.

But Russian guys, frankly, turned me on more than American guys. They were more romantic, more tender and sensual, more gentlemanly and protective. Russian guys would get so offended (!!!) if I offered to "dutch treat" (share expenses, for those unfamiliar with this expression) on a date. They treated me like a "lady" and that was refreshing after so many American guys were treating me (pretty much) like another guy. The downside of that, is Russian guys usually thought that my sole purpose in life should be having babies.

On the other hand, I have also dated a lot of sexist PIGS in the US. One guy I briefly dated in my 20's, a Navy cadet who worked on submarines, told me the following: "A guy should stick with his buddies. If it comes down to a (life or death) choice, a guy should save his buddy, not his girlfriend."

So I asked him, "What if your girlfriend IS your buddy?"

He could not believe that it was possible to have the same level of affection for a woman, as for a man. I did not date him again. In fact, I threw him out of my apartment one fine day when he thought he would leave his dirty clothing there for me to wash.

Another American guy I dated, this one was a state trooper (cop) screwed me one time and then dumped me. It left me heartbroken for at least a year. He saw me as a "trophy" and he even told me so. He just wanted to screw me once, and frankly he was not any good in bed. But I had feelings for him, which scared him and he ran away like a cowardly little rabbit.

Russian guys broke my heart, but American guys broke my heart just as badly, so I completely understand this writer's frustrations as a woman. She wants someone who will love her like a Russian, but let her achieve her dreams like an American.

Does such a man exist? I don't know.

Originally Posted by 14Russian

"***What the author says is 100% true*** as she knows what she is writing about."

How come I don't believe you?

I think all she writes is true cos I live in Russia. No reason to think she might make up something. Very close to real state of affairs.

Most Russian men aren't alpha males, she just searches for them. According to the author, Russian men must be very attractive, that does not seem to be the case.

Originally Posted by Marcus

Most Russian men aren't alpha males, she just searches for them. According to the author, Russian men must be very attractive, that does not seem to be the case.

She wants a man to make love to her like an alpha male, but not to control her in other aspects of life, I think.

Some Russian men are very handsome, imho

Originally Posted by it-ogo

Here is the translation. In fact I never dated Russian men but I feel like that woman made special efforts to find such kind of men. Her experience looks quite exaggerated. What you like is what you get, no?

I agree -- she lives in the USA! Why is she trying to date Russian men? If she doesn't like them, then date regular Americans or some other nationality.

For the record: I read a very entertaining chronicle by a Finnish columnist, called "Dating the men of our neighbouring countries. She had dated men from Sweden, Estonia and Russia. While the "statistical sample" of her little survey wasn't large, she nevertheless made some observations that I thought were good --- and she used Finnish men as the norm.

She had ended up marrying the Russian guy and was really enjoying the super tight family bonds in his family. So she was saying that unlike with the other nationalities, she got a whole new family with this guy which was nice for her, an only child with only her mother living.

Not sure how typical that was. She also described the Russian guy as very independent, which she liked, macho and quite passionate (the last two seem to be the stereotype about Russian men). The guy she married actually lived in Finland though, so I am not sure how typical he was. Her one complaint about him was that he was a fitness fanatic.

Hanna: I agree -- she lives in the USA! Why is she trying to date Russian men? If she doesn't like them, then date regular Americans or some other nationality.

Because she is Russian, so she is naturally attracted to Russian guys. She didn't say she doesn't like them. She said she loves AND hates dating them. It is hard to find the right fit when you are caught between two cultures, as she is.

The more interesting question btw is all the talk about Russian women.

I really don't like the mailorder / date-a-Russian-woman sites.

So vulgar and degrading. The women are getting the second pick of Western men, the rejects - and the men are potentially getting somebody who's primarily interested in what the man has to offer materially.

Although I am by no means a feminist, I also dislike the male talk that Russian women are somehow superior because they take a more submissive stance in the relationship or dress slutty or whatever the big deal is supposedly about.

I have nothing against relationships across national borders but I think it should be on equal terms

Originally Posted by Deborski

Because she is Russian, so she is naturally attracted to Russian guys. She didn't say she doesn't like them. She said she loves AND hates dating them. It is hard to find the right fit when you are caught between two cultures, as she is.

She lives in the USA and has no religious reason to stick with Russians.
(I can see how it would be a problem if she lived in Russia, but she doesn't!)
I think she should look at other factors such as his character, interests, hobbies and personality... Rather than his nationality!
Whoever heard of dating people on the basis of their nationality!

Originally Posted by Hanna

She lives in the USA and has no religious reason to stick with Russians.
(I can see how it would be a problem if she lived in Russia, but she doesn't!)
I think she should look at other factors such as his characters, interests, hobbies and personality... Rather than his nationality!
Whoever heard of dating people on the basis of their nationality!

Because it is her CULTURE and it is what she's FAMILIAR with. I can't understand why this would be so hard to understand. lol

I think it's at least unwise to classify human gender categories by ethnicity. Also "dating" concept is rather new, if we are talking from historical point of view. Take me, for example. My "dating" experience is no more than several months. But I happily married for more than 12 years already and have two beautiful kids from that marriage. So, as for me I can't tell much stories about my "dating" experience just because I don't have one.

George Carlin had this all figured out anyway...



I typed this one up, so it would be easier to understand for those whose written comprehension of English is better than their spoken comprehension. Anyone care to translate it into Russian? My skills are not quite adequate ))))

Here's all you need to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid. It's not the only reason, but it's a big one. And by the way, if you don't think men are stupid, check the newspaper! Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated and enabled or continued by men. And that includes "the wave" and the "high five" - two of history's truly low points. But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it's also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don't think women are crazy, ask a man! That's the one thing men aren't stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out, fucking nuts. But it doesn't just happen, it isn't an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts. The main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with. They bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the big, cosmic cafeteria, as humans beings move down the chow-line of life, and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions. And please understand my motives here are not selfish or personal. I'm not saying all this stuff to get in good with women, although an occasional blow job would be nice, but it's not a requirement. It's optional. BJO. Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to any person who's being honest and thinking clearly, that women carry a lot more of life's baggage than men. To begin with, they're smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused, and in general get the shit beat out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn't be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal! They'd back down, quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they'd probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It's only fair. -- George Carlin

Originally Posted by Basil77

I think it's at least unwise to classify human gender categories by ethnicity. Also "dating" concept is rather new, if we are talking from historical point of view. Take me, for example. My "dating" experience is no more than several months. But I happily married for more than 12 years already and have two beautiful kids from that marriage. So, as for me I can't tell much stories about my "dating" experience just because I don't have one.

I think that's a beautiful story! What's your recipe for success in marriage? What things does your wife do, that you really appreciate? Or is it more that you just love her regardless?

Originally Posted by Eric C.

One line that I found in a certain way interesting made me kind of curious about this feature of Russian way relationships, so any Russians here, could you please shed some light on it, is that true that if you stare at a Russian girl in public, her boyfriend might punch you?

Generally speaking, in Russia "staring" at someone isn't something nice and it's kind of disrespecting in some ways.
I'm not sure, but depends on the boyfriend, chances are that he would punch you or ask you if you have any problem.
Even if you stare at a single girl in Russia, you won't receive many good vibes/reactions in return. (For the same reasons i explained!)
So forget about it!
However, in some countries, like Norway, staring is a way of flirting!!! =D
So if you have a habit of staring at someone, try it out in such countries!

Originally Posted by Deborski

Another American guy I dated, this one was a state trooper (cop) screwed me one time and then dumped me. It left me heartbroken for at least a year. He saw me as a "trophy" and he even told me so. He just wanted to screw me once, and frankly he was not any good in bed. But I had feelings for him, which scared him and he ran away like a cowardly little rabbit.

You did a similar thing (you wrote about it in your blog), didn't you? I don't accuse you, of course.
It's iteresting that in Soviet Russia nearly all the women worked and had few children.

Originally Posted by Marcus

You did a similar thing (you wrote about it in your blog), didn't you? I don't accuse you, of course.
It's iteresting that in Soviet Russia nearly all the women worked and had few children.

Yeah, but Marcus, I felt terrible about it and I said so in my blog. The cop who screwed me didn't feel bad about what he did at all. He was actually PROUD of himself for using me! And also, I didn't see Sasha as a "trophy"... I even told him up front that it was only a fling. The cop intentionally manipulated my feelings so I would love him and have sex with him, and then he bragged to me that it was all a game and I was just a trophy to him and nothing more. He was deliberately hurtful. I made an unintentional, though stupid, mistake. There is a difference.

Originally Posted by Deborski

So I asked him, "What if your girlfriend IS your buddy?"

A buddy girlfriend is a chimeric dream of most men. Basically you can tell your buddy whatever BS you like and still be h(is) best friend, because ()he accepts you as you are, that is what buddies are for. It is hardly the case with women in my experience.

Originally Posted by it-ogo

A buddy girlfriend is a chimeric dream of most men. Basically you can tell your buddy whatever BS you like and still be h(is) best friend, because ()he accepts you as you are, that is what buddies are for. It is hardly the case with women in my experience.

My husband can tell me anything he wants and vice versa. We are definitely buddies and I've had other male (non sexual) buddies, so yeah, it is very much possible! But I guess a lot of guys think women are not really human, but some sort of "other" creature which can't be trusted. Sad for therm.

Originally Posted by Deborski

My husband can tell me anything he wants and vice versa. We are definitely buddies and I've had other male (non sexual) buddies, so yeah, it is very much possible! But I guess a lot of guys think women are not really human, but some sort of "other" creature which can't be trusted. Sad for therm.

ORLY? Didn't you remember any situation when you felt pain (at least a little) because of his words and actions until he made special efforts to earn your forgiveness? (Just don't ask him - he knows what he have to answer.) Women like such kind of game and play it automatically, while for men it is often frustrating. But then a man is trained by the society to handle such situations. It is his duty. Most women enjoy emotions in a volume that frustrates most men. We are one species of sentinent creatures but we are different in something. And it is good because it is natural. Normally a man can feel happy with a woman and feel free with another men.

Yes, of course there are exceptions. Yes, individual differences can be bigger than gender-based. Yes, a woman can handle her emotions and talkativeness as a favor or being scared by male rage. But then it makes HER feel not free. There are exceptions and there are norms. And opposing natural norms because of ideological/idealistic reasons mostly can only make people unhappy.

That is my view and my experience.

i can relate to the original article and most of the views expressed in the thread; in South Africa (where i lived as a student) you can find a lot of agressive men of the big, strong, Rugby playing type. More often then not they have beautiful girls at their sides and display the 'hey, did you just look at my girlfriend - i am going to hit you' (that is if you were lucky enough to be warned first) mentality, ascociated here with russian men. While stereotyping invariably carries a certain amount of truth (otherwise why would so many recognise it as a cultural or regional trait) there are as ever just as many exceptions - luckily so. As to the ladies they ideally would want a bit of both worlds (as already expressed by some here). Therein the secret lies; as a man you better be able to read (and feel) a womans mind and be able to adjust your behaviour; you cannot be predictably either the 'russian' not the 'american' streotype (unless your intent is of short duration anyway). The successful psychological strategy needs to play (target) the mind before body (as in telling a beautiful lady lady you are pursuing of how intelligent she is whereas telling the clever lady of how beautiful she is). Just as well this works...how boring otherwise.