Thread: check this out please

i am writing a short story just to increase my writing skill in English.
could you please correct mistakes which I surely made.


They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.
The man looked both tired and angry, and the woman looked slightly disappointed and bored. They had been having an argument for thirty minutes. The old man was yelling at her while running around the kitchen and waving and pointing at a sink or cabinets hanging on the wall. He was a landlord and the woman he was yelling at rented a room at(in) his house.
The old man used to serve in the Army. Actually, he spent his whole life serving and after being medically discharged he still lived the same way as he had been used to before. He liked discipline and wanted everything to be in order, clean and well-organized. The woman came from a small town. Once she just decided to change her life so she left for the big city. She thought she was dying from boredom in her hometown. She was young and na

It's very very good and there are only a couple minor errors. I'd say it's better than what the average American high school student writes.

[quote=Ustas]They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.
The man looked both tired and angry, the woman looked slightly disappointed and bored. They had been having an argument for thirty minutes. The old man was yelling at her whilst running around the kitchen waving and pointing at the sink or the cabinets hanging on the wall. He was the landlord and the woman he was yelling at had rented a room in his house.
The old man used to serve in the Army. Actually, he spent his whole life serving and after being medically discharged he still lived the same way as he had been used to before. He liked discipline and wanted everything to be in order, clean and well-organized. The woman came from a small town. Once,/one day she just decided to change her life, so she left for the big city. She thought she was dying from boredom in her hometown. She was young and na

[quote=волк][quote=Ustas]They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.
The man looked both tired and angry, the woman looked slightly disappointed and bored. They had been having an argument for thirty minutes. The old man was yelling at her whilst running around the kitchen waving and pointing at the sink or the cabinets hanging on the wall. He was the landlord and the woman he was yelling at had rented a room in his house.
The old man used to serve in the Army. Actually, he spent his whole life serving and after being medically discharged he still lived the same way as he had been used to before. He liked discipline and wanted everything to be in order, clean and well-organized. The woman came from a small town. Once she just decided to change her life so she left for the big city. She thought she was dying from boredom in her hometown. She was young and na

Ack! now I have to add what I went back to edit to yours.

Or he could just read both...

Or you can add what I edited to yours!

Done.

(I really don't like that edit counter...)

Originally Posted by волк

(I really don't like that edit counter...)

Yeah, it discourages...

[quote=kalinka_vinnie][quote="волк":3d26ecct][quote=Ustas]They were in the kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman. (?)
The man looked both tired and angry, the woman looked slightly disappointed and bored. They had been arguing for thirty minutes. The old man was yelling at her while running around the kitchen waving and pointing at the sink or the cabinets hanging on the wall. He was the landlord and the woman he was yelling at had rented a room in his house.
The old man used to serve in the Army. Actually, he spent his whole life serving and after being medically discharged. He still lived the same way as he had been used to (nixed) before. He liked discipline and wanted everything to be in order, clean and well-organized. The woman came from a small town. Once she just decided to change her life so she left for the big city. She thought she was dying from boredom in her hometown. She was young and na

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

An old man and young slender woman were in the kitchen of a big house.

Originally Posted by kwatts59

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

An old man and young slender woman were in the kitchen of a big house.

Once again rid a nice poetic sentence of any character.

Your sentence, Kwatts, is a dull neutral sentence. This is a STORY, not a police report.

Ustas, leave it how it is. Hmm, perhaps you needs a semi-colon rather than a comma.

Originally Posted by волк

Done.
(I really don't like that edit counter...)

Why? Who cares? Change all you want!

[quote=Ustas]
They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a slender young woman.
The man looked both tired and angry, and the woman looked slightly disappointed and bored. They had been having an argument for thirty minutes. The old man was yelling at her while running around the kitchen and waving and pointing at a sink or cabinets hanging on the wall. He was the landlord and sherented a room in his house.
The old man used to serve in the Army. Actually, he spent his whole life serving and after being medically discharged he still lived the same way as he had (delete been used to)before. He liked discipline and wanted everything to be in order, clean and well-organized. The woman came from a small town. Once she just decided to change her life so she left for the big city. She thought she was dying from boredom in her hometown. She was young and na

Originally Posted by TATY

Ustas, leave it how it is. Hmm, perhaps you needs a semi-colon rather than a comma.

Semi-colons seperate what would otherwise be two complete sentences.

Everyone contributes his mite.

Originally Posted by TATY

Originally Posted by kwatts59

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

An old man and young slender woman were in the kitchen of a big house.

Once again rid a nice poetic sentence of any character.

Your sentence, Kwatts, is a dull neutral sentence. This is a STORY, not a police report.

Ustas, leave it how it is. Hmm, perhaps you needs a semi-colon rather than a comma.

Ustas' sentence does not seem correct. There is no difference in meaning between the two sentences. I cannot see how my sentence is any more dull than Ustas'. Maybe some colorful adjectives can be added.

A rickety old man was standing next to a beautiful elegant young lady in the kitchen of a grand house.

Originally Posted by kwatts59

Originally Posted by TATY

Originally Posted by kwatts59

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

An old man and young slender woman were in the kitchen of a big house.

Once again rid a nice poetic sentence of any character.

Your sentence, Kwatts, is a dull neutral sentence. This is a STORY, not a police report.

Ustas, leave it how it is. Hmm, perhaps you needs a semi-colon rather than a comma.

Ustas' sentence does not seem correct. There is no difference in meaning between the two sentences. I cannot see how my sentence is any more duller than Ustas'. Maybe some colorful adjectives can be added.

A rickety old man was standing next to a beautiful elegant young lady in the kitchen of a grand house.

There is no difference in meaning, but there is a difference in tone.

You can't say "more duller" either, it's "more dull", or just "duller".

The inversion of the sentence changes the feel of it. I don't expect you to be able to appreciate this, going on your previous form when it comes to the English language.


http://papyr.com/hypertextbooks/comp1/variety.htm

Here is some information of word order.

"Beautiful elegant young lady". 3 adjectives is a bit of an overload.

Your sentence with adjectives sounds like something a schoolboy would write. Ustas' shows more style.

Thanks for your replies.
I just want to say that I am so grateful for your correction. This site is the only place I know where I can have my writings checked and corrected
I’m going to post one more passage of my story soon and I hope you will read it and make corrections. I would do it tonight if I wasn’t as tired from my day job as I am now

Originally Posted by BlackMage

It's very very good and there are only a couple minor errors. I'd say it's better than what the average American high school student writes.

Im flattered

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

Slap a comma in there and I'll be happy. At the moment, that reads as though some unidentified persons were standing in the kitchen of: "a big house, and old man, and a slender young woman", if that makes sense.

PS: "Кухня дома, человика и девушкы" might be the equivalent of what you've actually written (don't quote me on it, though, I'm a bit rusty, been busy lateleh).

Originally Posted by Seventh-Monkey

Originally Posted by Ustas

They were in a kitchen of a big house, an old man and a young slender woman.

Slap a comma in there and I'll be happy. At the moment, that reads as though some unidentified persons were standing in the kitchen of: "a big house, and old man, and a slender young woman", if that makes sense.

PS: "Кухня дома, человика и девушкы" might be the equivalent of what you've actually written (don't quote me on it, though, I'm a bit rusty, been busy lateleh).

I see what you are saying. But context makes it clear what he means.