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Thread: check this out please(2)

  1. #1
    Подающий надежды оратор
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    check this out please(2)

    if you'd point out any mistakes I made in this text I'd be so grateful

    There are thousands of grocery stores in New York City. The story I’m going to speak about began in one of them. That store was small. The old Russian who owned it and worked there as a seller seemed to dwell there 24 hours a day. When rare customers came into the store they could see the old man sit at the counter smoking countless cigarettes or listening to an old-fashioned radio. Local kids were usual guests at the store… the old man didn’t mind selling beer and cigarettes to them. The teens liked him but sometimes they laughed at his shabby old-fashioned jacket and laughed at his strong Russian accent and played jokes on him. But the old man was all right with it.
    It was getting dark outside and street lamps went on. The old man was half asleep when the doorbell rang and somebody came in having brought the smell of New York’s fall with him inside the store. Later on while being questioned by the police detective the old man would say that the newcomer was wearing a white hoodie, black sweatpants and white trainers. He was tall and thin. His face was partly covered with a hood. But he was way too pale the old man said. I thought he was a kind of a junkie. With a shaking hand the old man lit a cigarette and kept on speaking. There was some menace in him; I felt it as soon as I saw him. Something dreadful lurked in his eyes. So I decided to stay alert and see what he was up to. But then the door snapped open and two black guys came into the store. Both of them were armed.
    “We need cash from the register” one of them said.
    “And we ain’t joking” added the other one and pointed a gun at my face.
    I said that I’d give them everything I had. I took out all the money from cash register. But business was slow that day I didn’t have much.
    So I handed them the cash. They were about to leave when they saw the first guy who came before them. I completely forgot about him too. So I was kinda surprised when I saw him walking indifferently towards the counter and two robbers beside it.
    What happened next was like in slow motion. It seemed as if time was slowed down. One of the robbers who pointed a gun at me before tried to aim at the approaching man. But he was no match for the man in a hoodie. He was too fast and next second he was near the robbers. He disarmed one of them and shot the other with a gun he took away from the first robber. He seemed to move slowly and gracefully even with some boredom. As the body of shot robber fell down he dropped the gun and put his hands on the other robber’s shoulders. He did it so fast that the man could do anything he just stood there rock-still.
    At first I thought he was going to bite him but then, as if he suddenly changed his mind, he just broke the robber’s neck as if it was a straw. It took him just a second.
    The old man coughed up and continued “You know, back in Russia I used to server in the army and I saw some impressive things. But what I witnessed today is beyond my understanding. There is no way a human being can be as fast and strong as he was. When the second robber fell dead on the floor, the man looked at me as if contemplating whether to kill me or let me live

  2. #2
    Почтенный гражданин Volk's Avatar
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    Re: check this out please(2)

    There are thousands of grocery stores in New York City. The story I’m going to speak about began in one of them. That store was small. The old Russian who owned it and worked there as a seller seemed to dwell there 24 hours a day. When rare customers came into the store they would see the old man sit/could see the old man sitting at the counter smoking countless cigarettes or listening to an old-fashioned radio. Local kids were usual guests at the store… the old man didn’t mind selling beer and cigarettes to them. The teens liked him but sometimes they laughed at his shabby old-fashioned jacket, laughed at his strong Russian accent and played jokes on him. But the old man was all right with it.
    It was getting dark outside and street lamps went on. The old man was half asleep when the doorbell rang and somebody came in having brought the smell of New York’s fall with him inside the store. Later on while being questioned by the police detective, the old man recalled (sounds better) that the newcomer was wearing a white hoodie, black sweatpants and white trainers. He was tall and thin. His face was partly covered with a hood. But he was far (way is still acceptable, far just sounds better) too pale the old man said. I thought he was a kind of junkie. With a shaking hand the old man lit a cigarette and kept on speaking. There was some menace in him; I felt it as soon as I saw him. Something dreadful lurked in his eyes. So I decided to stay alert and see what he was up to. But then the door snapped open and two black guys came into the store. Both of them were armed.
    “We need cash from the register” one of them said.
    “And we ain’t joking” added the other one and pointed a gun at my face.
    I said that I’d give them everything I had. I took out all the money from cash register. But business was slow that day so I didn’t have much.
    I handed them the cash. They were about to leave when they saw the first guy who came before them. I completely forgot about him too. So I was kinda surprised when I saw him walking indifferently towards the counter and two robbers beside it.
    What happened next was like it was happening in/it happened in slow motion. It seemed as if time was slowed down. One of the robbers who pointed a gun at me before tried to aim at the approaching man. But he was no match for the man in a hoodie. He was too fast and in the next second he was near the robbers. He disarmed one of them and shot the other with a gun which he took away from the first robber. He seemed to move slowly and gracefully, even with some boredom. As the body of the shot robber fell down he dropped the gun and put his hands on the other robber’s shoulders. He did it so fast that the man couldn't(?) do anything he just stood there rock-still.
    At first I thought he was going to bite him but then, as if he suddenly changed his mind, he just broke the robber’s neck as if it was a straw. It took him just one (sounds better) second.
    The old man coughed up and continued “You know, back in Russia I used to serve in the army and I saw some impressive things. But what I witnessed today is beyond my understanding. There is no way a human being can be as fast and as strong as he was. When the second robber fell dead on the floor, the man looked at me as if he was contemplating whether to kill me or let me live.

    Make use of more commas to break up your sentences.

    I may have missed some, and others could dissagree with my suggestions of which words sound better.
    Please correct any Russian language mistakes I make.

  3. #3
    Завсегдатай chaika's Avatar
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    извините что отменил методику после нескольких фраз. исключенные предложения грамматичны.

    The story I'm going to tell began in one of them.
    That store was small.
    The old Russian who owned it and worked there seemed to dwell there 24 hours a day.

    When rare customers came into the store they would see the old man sitting at the counter smoking countless cigarettes or listening to an old-fashioned radio.

    Local kids were frequent customers at the store…

    The teens liked him but sometimes they laughed at his shabby old-fashioned jacket and his strong Russian accent and played jokes on him.

    It was getting dark outside and the streetlights came on.
    The old man was half asleep when the doorbell rang and somebody came in bringing the smell of New York's fall with him.
    Later, when questioned by the police detective the old man would say that the newcomer was wearing a white hoodie, black sweatpants and white trainers.

    His face was partly covered by a hood.
    "But he was way too pale," the old man said, "I thought he was some kind of junkie."

    это не шутка. У нас такие правила относительно кавычек! Если я их правильно помню.

    "There was some menace in him; I felt it as soon as I saw him. Something dreadful lurked in his eyes. So I decided to stay alert and see what he was up to. But then the door snapped open and two black guys came into the store. Both of them were armed.

    "'We need cash from the register,' one of them said. 'And we ain't joking,' added the other pointing a gun at my face. I said that I'd give them everything I had. I took out all the money from cash register. But business was slow that day; I didn't have much.

    "So I handed them the cash. They were about to leave when they saw the first guy who had come before them. I had completely forgotten about him too. So I was kinda surprised when I saw him walking indifferently towards the counter and the two robbers beside it.

    "What happened next was like in slow motion. It seemed as if time was slowed down.
    One of the robbers who pointed a gun at me before tried to aim at the approaching man. But he was no match for the man in the hoodie. He was too fast and next second he was near the robbers. He disarmed one of them and shot the other with the gun he took away from the first robber. He seemed to move slowly and gracefully even with some boredom. As the body of the wounded robber fell down he dropped the gun and put his hands on the other robber's shoulders. He did it so fast that the man could not do anything -- he just stood there rock-still.

    "At first I thought he was going to bite him but then, as if he suddenly changed his mind, he just broke the robber's neck as if it were a straw. It took him just a second."

    The old man coughed up and continued. "You know, back in Russia I served in the army and I saw some impressive things. But what I witnessed today is beyond my understanding. There is no way a human being can be as fast and strong as he was.
    When the second robber fell dead on the floor, the man looked at me as if contemplating whether to kill me or let me live."

  4. #4
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    Additional suggestions:

    When rare customers --> When customers, who were rare/infrequent, came into . . .

    Local kids were usual guests at the store --> Local kids were the usual customers . . .

    It was getting dark outside and street lamps went on --> were coming on.

    . . . the newcomer --> this newcomer/new customer

    There was some menace in him --> There was something menacing/threatening/frightening in him

    The old man coughed up and continued --> The old man coughed and continued ("up" is unnecessary and the reader wonders what was coughed up.)

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