Results 1 to 16 of 16

Thread: APllication, please check for mistakes

  1. #1
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    612
    Rep Power
    11

    APllication, please check for mistakes

    Please check for mistakes, any stylistic mistakes or anything that doesn't sound right. I'm really eager to get accpeted for the course, and would be really greatful for any suggestion and correction.

    The reason why I have decided to apply for admission to the English language course offered by the Perth College is because it is an incredible chance to master my English. Apart from that, it would be a great opportunity to become more familiar with the Celtic culture and customs that I happen to find enormously interesting. I am a second year student of apllied linguistics in B., Poland. I have proved to be a very hardworking and dedicated person, I am most interested in movies and politics. As far as my work experience is concerned, I held the job of a translator during the annual music festival in B. in 2006, prior to this, I used to work as a volounteer with mentally challenged children.


    Thank you in advance.

  2. #2
    Завсегдатай chaika's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Чапелхилловка, NC USA
    Posts
    1,987
    Rep Power
    16
    "I have decided to apply for admission to the English language course offered by Perth College because it is an incredible chance to master my English. Apart from that, it would be a great opportunity to become more familiar with the Celtic culture and customs, which I happen to find enormously interesting. I am a second year student of applied linguistics in B., Poland, and am a very hardworking and dedicated person. I am most interested in movies and politics. As far as my work experience is concerned, I worked as a translator during the annual music festival in B. in 2006. Prior to this, I used to work as a volunteer with mentally challenged children."

    NEVER use the reason why .. is because. NEVER use the reason why, either. You might use The reason I decided to.... is that ..... But the words are more or less superfluous, I would say.

    Caught a couple spelling errors.

  3. #3
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    612
    Rep Power
    11
    Quote Originally Posted by chaika
    I have decided to apply for admission to the English language course offered by Perth College because it is an incredible chance to master my English. Apart from that, it would be a great opportunity to become more familiar with the Celtic culture and customs, which I happen to find enormously interesting. I am a second year student of applied linguistics in B., Poland, and am a very hardworking and dedicated person. I am most interested in movies and politics. As far as my work experience is concerned, I worked as a translator during the annual music festival in B. in 2006. Prior to this, I used to work as a volunteer with mentally challenged children.

    NEVER use the reason why .. is because. NEVER use the reason why, either. You might use The reason I decided to.... is that ..... But the words are more or less superfluous, I would say.

    Caught a couple spelling errors.
    Thank you SO much I"ll make sure not to ever use the "reason why" phrase again

    One more question, would it be ok to say "I am most interested in politics and movies, especially the independant productions. Furthermore, I also take a particular delight in studying foreign languages." ?

  4. #4
    Завсегдатай chaika's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Чапелхилловка, NC USA
    Posts
    1,987
    Rep Power
    16
    Those sentence are ok, if a bit pretentious-sounding, at least to me.

    Here's how I would put it:
    "I am very interested in politics and movies, especially independent productions. I also enjoy studying foreign languages."

    Corrected spelling. I read it over a couple times before removing "the".

  5. #5
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    612
    Rep Power
    11
    Quote Originally Posted by chaika
    Those sentence are ok, if a bit pretentious-sounding, at least to me.

    Here's how I would put it:
    "I am very interested in politics and movies, especially independent productions. I also enjoy studying foreign languages."

    Corrected spelling. I read it over a couple times before removing "the".
    yeah, I'm just trying to sound smart, so that they accept my application
    But I guess I'll go with your version, since 'pretentious' is not exactly the impression I was trying to make :P
    thanks again

  6. #6
    Почтенный гражданин capecoddah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Cape Cod, MA пляж
    Posts
    648
    Rep Power
    9
    Replace "Apart from that" with "In addition": it will include the Celtic bit instead of making it a separate function.

    Applications always sound a bit pretentious and self centered, but you ARE talking about yourself. Enthusiasm goes a long way. Best of luck!
    I'm easily amused late at night...

  7. #7
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    612
    Rep Power
    11
    Quote Originally Posted by capecoddah
    Replace "Apart from that" with "In addition": it will include the Celtic bit instead of making it a separate function.

    Applications always sound a bit pretentious and self centered, but you ARE talking about yourself. Enthusiasm goes a long way. Best of luck!
    thanks a bunch

  8. #8
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    341
    Rep Power
    9
    I posted this two days ago, but somehow it didn't go through. These are mostly changes for better style and clarity:

    The reason I have decided to apply for admission to the English language course offered by the Perth College is because it is a good opportunity for me to master my English and to become more familiar with the Celtic culture and customs that I happen to find enormously interesting. I am a second year student of apllied linguistics in B., Poland. I have been a very hardworking and dedicated person, and I am also quite interested in movies and politics. As far as my work experience is concerned, I worked a translator during the annual music festival in B. in 2006, and, prior to this, I worked as a volounteer with mentally challenged children.

    A few comments on changes I made:

    "incredible chance" is a bit too strong. Sounds like you are jumping up and down "good opportunity" is the right expression, so I just used it for both clauses.

    "have proven" is not good to use when talking about yourself. It's ok when speaking about someone else or about a situation.

    "held the job of" sounds like you were a temporary substitute worker for someone else, like you were holding someone's job while they were on vacation. "worked" is the best simple wording for jobs.

    Best of luck to you. I've read a lot of good ESL articles from people in Australia, so I think it will probably be a good place for you.

    BTW, I just finished my ESL certificate two days ago. I may end up teaching English in Ukraine if everything goes well.

  9. #9
    DDT
    DDT is offline
    Завсегдатай DDT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    I have given up the Gambling, the Wine and the Cows!.. I'm back now! ....nope Im gone again!
    Posts
    3,364
    Rep Power
    13
    Quote Originally Posted by paulb
    BTW, I just finished my ESL certificate two days ago. I may end up teaching English in Ukraine if everything goes well.
    In Ukraine? How much are they paying there?
    Let me be a free man, free to travel, free to stop, free to work, free to trade where I choose, free to choose my own teachers, free to follow the religion of my fathers, free to talk, think and act for myself. - Chief Joseph, Nez Perce

  10. #10
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    341
    Rep Power
    9
    Quote Originally Posted by DDT
    Quote Originally Posted by paulb
    BTW, I just finished my ESL certificate two days ago. I may end up teaching English in Ukraine if everything goes well.
    In Ukraine? How much are they paying there?
    The work I want is with a non-profit organization, so they won't pay me anything at all. I'll have to raise funds in the US before I go.

  11. #11
    Властелин
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Invalid City!
    Posts
    1,352
    Rep Power
    12
    "Perth College" does not take an article.

    It should be

    "... course offered by Perth College... "

    (and given the reference to Celtic culture, I assume he's talking about the Perth in Scotland, not the one in Australia named after the one in Scotland)

  12. #12
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    612
    Rep Power
    11
    Quote Originally Posted by paulb
    I posted this two days ago, but somehow it didn't go through. These are mostly changes for better style and clarity:

    The reason I have decided to apply for admission to the English language course offered by the Perth College is because it is a good opportunity for me to master my English and to become more familiar with the Celtic culture and customs that I happen to find enormously interesting. I am a second year student of apllied linguistics in B., Poland. I have been a very hardworking and dedicated person, and I am also quite interested in movies and politics. As far as my work experience is concerned, I worked a translator during the annual music festival in B. in 2006, and, prior to this, I worked as a volounteer with mentally challenged children.

    A few comments on changes I made:

    "incredible chance" is a bit too strong. Sounds like you are jumping up and down "good opportunity" is the right expression, so I just used it for both clauses.

    "have proven" is not good to use when talking about yourself. It's ok when speaking about someone else or about a situation.

    "held the job of" sounds like you were a temporary substitute worker for someone else, like you were holding someone's job while they were on vacation. "worked" is the best simple wording for jobs.

    Best of luck to you. I've read a lot of good ESL articles from people in Australia, so I think it will probably be a good place for you.

    BTW, I just finished my ESL certificate two days ago. I may end up teaching English in Ukraine if everything goes well.
    thanks SO much!

    and yes, I meant Perth in Scotland
    btw, I'm a she, Scotcher

    I always get confused about the names which take articles, and which don't :s

  13. #13
    Почтенный гражданин
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    341
    Rep Power
    9
    Ah,

    Scotland makes more sense with the Celtic culture

    Good luck to you in either place

  14. #14
    Властелин
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Invalid City!
    Posts
    1,352
    Rep Power
    12
    Quote Originally Posted by kamka
    btw, I'm a she, Scotcher
    Sorry!

  15. #15
    Подающий надежды оратор
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    North America!~
    Posts
    36
    Rep Power
    8
    Thank you SO much :D I"ll make sure not to ever use the "reason why" phrase again

    One more question, would it be ok to say "I am most interested in politics and movies, especially the independant productions. Furthermore, I also take a particular delight in studying foreign languages." ?
    In english you can use the "why" prase all you want ....but if you over use it people will think your annoying.And what I mean by that is don`t ask a person "why" over an over again~You can ask "why" over and over again to one of your friends and are very young or are talking to a parent or well known family member if your very young~But if your a teen or up I really suggest you NOT to ask "why" constantly or people will think your immature.But its ok to ask it if you dont understand something~And yes its ok to say that sentence you asked if you could say~ Though it would be probaly better if you made the sentence a little more informal~I'm telling you this because if you say formal sentences too often people will think your weird.Just giving some advice :D
    Feel free to go anywhere you like but remember, your NEVER alone.....

  16. #16
    Moderator Lampada's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    СССР -> США
    Posts
    17,621
    Rep Power
    31
    Quote Originally Posted by <~A~>
    In English you can use the "why" prase all you want ....but if you over use it people will think your annoying.And what I mean by that is don`t ask a person "why" over an over again~You can ask "why" over and over again to one of your friends and are very young or are talking to a parent or well known family member if your very young~But if your a teen or up I really suggest you NOT to ask "why" constantly or people will think your immature.But its ok to ask it if you dont understand something~And yes its ok to say that sentence you asked if you could say~ Though it would be probably better if you made the sentence a little more informal~I'm telling you this because if you say formal sentences too often people will think your weird.Just giving some advice
    I am sorry for being a nag but why you are you using "~" instead of a period and do not leave spaces between sentences?
    "...Важно, чтобы форум оставался местом, объединяющим людей, для которых интересны русский язык и культура. ..." - MasterАdmin (из переписки)



Similar Threads

  1. please check for mistakes
    By kamka in forum Translate This!
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: May 15th, 2006, 05:03 PM
  2. Mistakes
    By Chuvak in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: April 23rd, 2006, 11:26 AM
  3. Please check for mistakes
    By kamka in forum Translate This!
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: February 26th, 2006, 09:37 AM
  4. Check for Mistakes
    By DDT in forum Grammar and Vocabulary
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: February 8th, 2006, 07:15 PM
  5. Could someone check my homework for mistakes please? :D
    By Still Numb in forum Grammar and Vocabulary
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: April 14th, 2005, 12:46 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Russian Lessons                           

Russian Tests and Quizzes            

Russian Vocabulary