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Thread: Some corrections for the neverending thread....

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    Почтенный гражданин BabaYaga's Avatar
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    Some corrections for the neverending thread....

    I don't know how much had already been corrected by PM - and I didn't want to break up the flow of the story
    So here are some musings of an Ole Woman on the Neverending Story...

    Be warned: this is looooooooooooooooooong.....

    The morning was cloudy when he locked the door and went by his usual way to the bookstore. It started to drizzle. Unfortunately, "it" wasn't the clouds, but a dog standing on the roof overhead. Suddenly he remembered that today is Friday
    I agree with translations.nm.ru: "Suddenly he remembered that it was Friday"– would be the correct option here. If the sentence starts in the past, I’m afraid you have to keep it there And “Suddenly he remembered that today it was Friday" sounds weird: you can’t use “today” in the past.


    , and decided to drink some beer after work. He couldn't explain why such a strange thought had come to his mind so suddenly in the bookstore. He stood in the middle of the store, gazing at the shelves when the door bell rang behind his back. He turned round and couldn't believe his eyes. It was his father he hadn't seen for ages!
    "Dimitry, my son!" the old man cried. His face was wet with tears of joy.
    "Where have you been for so many years?" mumbled Dimitry , hardly moving his lips. Then they both stood silently just watching each other - the father and the son.
    "Stop, catched!"
    ??? I’m unsure where this comes from – but I’ve never heard it before. I have only ever heard a director yell “Cut!” – or “OK, Cut”, if he is eloquent…

    shouted the director, "Wonderful! wonderful! You have never played like this before!"
    The film was about a man, that
    “a man that” is used, I suppose – but I don’t think it’s totally grammatically correct. I’d say “a man, who”. Men are usually animate (although I know a few exceptions )

    had found treasures, hidden by his father-pirate, and the most interesting thing was that the story had been based on the real events!
    Again, to me it would sound more natural to say:
    …had been based on real events!
    …had been based on facts!

    Having thought for a few seconds, the director decided to shoot another take: Take 2!
    "No way!" Dimitry said in a disappointed tone, "I shan't say a word before I get my coffee!!"
    (he must be related to me somehow…)
    "Alright," said the director, knowing that if he didn't allow Dimitry to have a cup of coffee, Dimitry wouldn't be able to act as well as he had a few minutes before. He tried to put down one crazy thought that sprang into his mind: Arsenic in the cup.
    "Why, why this damn director so hates me?
    Why, why does this damn director hate me so (much)?
    (always auxiliary verb in questions )

    I never pretend to be a Bradd Pit...but I`m not so bad at all!"- thinking Dimitry,
    …not so bad at all!"- thought Dimitry,
    or
    …not so bad at all!"- Dimitry thought,

    heading to nearby cafe.
    to a nearby cafe (any cafe, not specified)
    or
    to the nearby cafe (known by all the members of the crew)



    (continued in next post)[/quote]
    Ой, голова у меня кружится |-P ...... and my brain hurts too....

  2. #2
    Почтенный гражданин BabaYaga's Avatar
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    (and on we go)


    One thought had come over his mind, he stopped the film and said:
    How can he stop the film from the cafe? (I want his job!! ) Or have I missed something? ;D
    “One thought had come over his mind” is a slightly weird construction; I’d just say “A thought” (otherwise it sounds as if he had no other thoughts in his head – which is also possible of course); secondly: “into his mind”
    Less lyrically, you’d probably say: “He had gotten a bright idea.”


    "why don't we …..
    "Why don't we …..
    Speaking/quotes after “said”, “thought” etc etc always start with a capital - but I gues that's just a typo.

    find treasures, I've heard they really exist!"
    'Oh, damn! What the hell are you talking about?!' bursted up the director.
    A couple of things:
    - Flaring up in anger: to burst out
    - To burst – burst – burst : “he bursts out” (present), becomes “he burst out” in the past
    - Word order: ““…are you talking about?!' the director burst out” sounds more natural.


    Thinking that John (this was his real name) felt he has got a headache.
    I may be thick, but I don’t get this one…. :-/
    John = Dmitry, yeah? And he gets a headache just from seeing the director’s red face? :-/

    In that case:
    Thinking that, John (this was his real name) felt himself getting a headache.

    "I mean, we can use the materials of the story to find it!", John said, his face was shining.
    Not wrong, but better:
    …John said. His face was shining.
    ….John said, his face shining.

    "I have already plotted our trip to Siberia!"
    To plot something will normally be used to describe that secret, possibly devious plans are being made. It can be used as “marking out a journey”, but that would be quite a technical term ( a sea captain plots the journey). So although it is not exactly wrong, it sounds as if our friend Dmitry is up to no good…
    It would be more colloquial to say:
    "I have already planned our trip to Siberia!"


    "Is it the center of Russia, lost in Asia?"
    Not grammatically wrong, again, but if this refers to what John has just said, it would be better to say:
    "Is that the center of Russia, lost in Asia?"

    asked the director.
    Bloody fool, John thought. I'm tired to explain
    I’m tired of explaining….

    simple things to him all the bloody time!
    It was a turning-point...
    Jone was strongly opposed to realize all his plans...

    John opposed to his own plans?
    Again, I don’t get it

    Anyhoo: no matter what plans he is opposed to, it’s:
    …. Opposed to realizing all his plans……


    The rain stopped meanwhile, and John suddenly found out that the red-faced director disappiered and his coffee got cold already.
    Probably better to say:
    ……. found out that the red-fased director had dissappeared, and his coffee (had) gotten cold already.
    By the time he finds out, both actions have been fully completed. I suppose.




    So far so good, well done, guys!!!!
    And a great story so far - so keep writing!!


    Ой, голова у меня кружится |-P ...... and my brain hurts too....

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    Завсегдатай kalinka_vinnie's Avatar
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    You rule BY!!!! You deserve a beer. Leof will promptly send you one, just like he did me.

    I had the impression they didn't want to be corrected, so I just let them stew in their own juice!
    Hei, rett norsken min og du er død.
    I am a notourriouse misspeller. Be easy on me.
    Пожалуйста! Исправляйте мои глупые ошибки (но оставьте умные)!
    Yo hablo español mejor que tú.
    Trusnse kal'rt eturule sikay!!! ))

  4. #4
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    No, please correct when you're in the mood! Thank you!
    «И всё, что сейчас происходит внутре — тоже является частью вселенной».

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    Костяная, why don't you write the whole story with your corrections (I mean without mistakes)?

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    ST
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    shame on my bald head! all mistakes are mine
    My feelings are hurt....
    The bear looked at the car, and reflections of fire danced in his eyes. He knew what to do.

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    Yaga! Thank you with a bow! The beer was sent!
    And guys, after all we have to correct our mistakes ourselves!
    Thank's a lot again for all corrections! As Rtyom said please correct on!
    We shall rewrite all the mistakes in time.
    Я так думаю.

  8. #8
    Почтенный гражданин BabaYaga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kalinka_vinnie
    I had the impression they didn't want to be corrected, so I just let them stew in their own juice!
    You mean.... we have a message board full of pelmeni here?!

    I worried a bit about that at first too - but then the teacher in me said :"Correct them whether they like it or not - some day they will thank you for it!".
    And then I realized I sounded like my own grandmother...



    Quote Originally Posted by Kirill2142
    Костяная, why don't you write the whole story with your corrections (I mean without mistakes)?
    Kirill me dear - because that same, nasty teacher in me told me that it would be better for you guys to do it yourself! .... as Leof - ever our voice of reason - pointed out. You'd learn from it and never forget it again.
    So - do you want to give it a go?

    BTW, I had to look up "Костяная" - beautiful word, thanks!
    But I must admit that I'm more.... ehhhhh..... *the Belgian version of Baba Yaga*... i.e. more well-rounded...
    I also need to go on a diet



    Quote Originally Posted by ST
    shame on my bald head! all mistakes are mine
    My feelings are hurt....
    Awwww, ST! Nah, mate - you only wrote part of the story, so only part of the mistakes are yours And I'd be well chuffed if my Russian were only half as good as your English!
    So don't break your -undoubtedly lovely - bald head over it....


    Quote Originally Posted by Leof
    Yaga! Thank you with a bow! The beer was sent!
    And guys, after all we have to correct our mistakes ourselves!
    Thank's a lot again for all corrections! As Rtyom said please correct on!
    We shall rewrite all the mistakes in time.
    You're very welcome, all of you.
    And Leof - thanks for the beer (Russian Guinness - now that's new! )!
    Have a great holiday - what shall we do without you all that time?



    And guys - keep writing!!! I'm curious now - I want to know whether the director gets eaten by a monstrous snow rabbit in Siberia!!! (Maybe you could knock off a couple of producers as well, while you're at it - they usually deserve it more.... )


    Ой, голова у меня кружится |-P ...... and my brain hurts too....

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    Почтенный гражданин flowforever's Avatar
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    Jone was strongly opposed ... i want to say "он был настроен решительно"
    Придёт весна и мы раскроем окна..
    Айда на встречу друг другу!
    Придёт весна и яркое солнце
    Растопит лёд старых обид глупых.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by flowforever
    Jone was strongly opposed ... i want to say "он был настроен решительно"
    Maybe: '...John was strongly stuck to the idea' ?

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    Почтенный гражданин BabaYaga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flowforever
    Jone was strongly opposed ... i want to say "он был настроен решительно"
    Oh, OK!

    "John was absolutely determined to carry out his plan."

    Ой, голова у меня кружится |-P ...... and my brain hurts too....

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    Почтенный гражданин flowforever's Avatar
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    BabaYaga
    thx a lot))
    Придёт весна и мы раскроем окна..
    Айда на встречу друг другу!
    Придёт весна и яркое солнце
    Растопит лёд старых обид глупых.

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