Thread: Анекдоты, шутки, шуточные стишки, истории - смешные или не очень

Originally Posted by Ramil

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a M&P 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

.................................................. ..............
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.

.................................................. ............
Republican's Answer:
BANG!

.................................................. ............
Southerner's Answer: *
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: Hell No You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

That's right y'all... Don't mess with us southerners

Originally Posted by Ramil

Stolen from another forum:

During an Allied peace keeping in Iraq an IED goes off. No Iraqis or American's are hurt, but three visiting Brazilian officials are killed. Back in Washington the daily brief comes to the President's desk. "Mr. President," the aide says, "this morning there was an explosion in Iraq that killed three Brazilian men."

The President suddenly got a very pale look on his face. His breathing became shallow, and a cold sweat broke upon his brow. After cradling his head in his hands for several minutes, he regained his composure and quickly began giving orders.

"You, begin contacting the families, offering our sincere remorse. You, call a press conference for live TV in one hour, I'm going to address the nation on this matter. You, I need you to tell me exactly how many zero's are in a brazillion."

было, Friendy рассказывала
http://masterrussian.net/mforum/viewtop ... ght=#76436

Ramil wrote:

Stolen from another forum:

During an Allied peace keeping in Iraq an IED goes off. No Iraqis or American's are hurt, but three visiting Brazilian officials are killed. Back in Washington the daily brief comes to the President's desk. "Mr. President," the aide says, "this morning there was an explosion in Iraq that killed three Brazilian men."

The President suddenly got a very pale look on his face. His breathing became shallow, and a cold sweat broke upon his brow. After cradling his head in his hands for several minutes, he regained his composure and quickly began giving orders.

"You, begin contacting the families, offering our sincere remorse. You, call a press conference for live TV in one hour, I'm going to address the nation on this matter. You, I need you to tell me exactly how many zero's are in a brazillion."

Эт хорошо! Хехе

Bayans continue...

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are *ssholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”
“No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.”


And... I'm a bit confused about that:

A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver, a heart and a kidney. He asks that the lungs be thrown in as well. The man meets his heavenly reward. Such is the fate of humorous bar flies.

Can anyone explain it to me?

Originally Posted by Ramil

Bayans continue...


And... I'm a bit confused about that:

A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver, a heart and a kidney. He asks that the lungs be thrown in as well. The man meets his heavenly reward. Such is the fate of humorous bar flies.

Can anyone explain it to me?

What the hell was that??? Where did you find that crap?????

Originally Posted by charlestonian

Originally Posted by Ramil

Bayans continue...


And... I'm a bit confused about that:

A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver, a heart and a kidney. He asks that the lungs be thrown in as well. The man meets his heavenly reward. Such is the fate of humorous bar flies.

Can anyone explain it to me?

What the hell was that???

Hoped you would tell me...

Originally Posted by charlestonian

Where did you find that cr@p?????

There are places...

For you music lovers out there! This is classic material.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then
he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl
Harbor," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the
Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the
face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an
iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
=============================================
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
=============================================
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get
pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea
are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky
hair.
=============================================
Why is sex so much like drugs?
Because the quality depends on the pusher.
=============================================

Джек был пилотом-асом. Настолько классным, что когда начался японо-американский военный конфликт, его сразу же направили в бой без подготовки на базе.
Прибыв на авианосец, Джек тут же отправился в бой и сразу уничтожил 6 японских самолетов. Он поднялся выше, на высоту 7 километров и еще 10 японских самолетов прекратили свое существование. И тут Джек заметил, что горючего осталось совсем немного. Он спикировал вниз и идеально приземлился на палубе авианосца.
Выскочив из самолета, он отдал салют капитану:
- Ну, и как вы оцениваете мой первый боевой вылет?
На что капитан ответил:
- Отень хоросё, но ты сдерар один вадзьный осибка...

Originally Posted by wanja

Джек был пилотом-асом. Настолько классным, что когда начался японо-американский военный конфликт, его сразу же направили в бой без подготовки на базе.
Прибыв на авианосец, Джек тут же отправился в бой и сразу уничтожил 6 японских самолетов. Он поднялся выше, на высоту 7 километров и еще 10 японских самолетов прекратили свое существование. И тут Джек заметил, что горючего осталось совсем немного. Он спикировал вниз и идеально приземлился на палубе авианосца.
Выскочив из самолета, он отдал салют капитану:
- Ну, и как вы оцениваете мой первый боевой вылет?
На что капитан ответил:
- Отень хоросё, но ты сдерар один вадзьный осибка...

ААААААААААА

Originally Posted by wanja

Джек был пилотом-асом. Настолько классным, что когда начался японо-американский военный конфликт, его сразу же направили в бой без подготовки на базе.
Прибыв на авианосец, Джек тут же отправился в бой и сразу уничтожил 6 японских самолетов. Он поднялся выше, на высоту 7 километров и еще 10 японских самолетов прекратили свое существование. И тут Джек заметил, что горючего осталось совсем немного. Он спикировал вниз и идеально приземлился на палубе авианосца.
Выскочив из самолета, он отдал салют капитану:
- Ну, и как вы оцениваете мой первый боевой вылет?
На что капитан ответил:
- Отень хоросё, но ты сдерар один вадзьный осибка...

Это хорошооо!
Вечером насмешу домашних.

Удивляюсь вам. Анекдот имеет вполне стнадратную структуру, я вполне ожидал подобной развзяки уже после зачина.

Originally Posted by Rtyom

Удивляюсь вам. Анекдот имеет вполне стнадратную структуру, я вполне ожидал подобной развзяки уже после зачина.

You are no fun

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard So-So Airline flight 602 from New York to
Punta Cana. We are currently flying at a eight of 35,000 feet going
South the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message."

Originally Posted by Rtyom

Удивляюсь вам. Анекдот имеет вполне стнадратную структуру, я вполне ожидал подобной развзяки уже после зачина.

Как, в прочем, и последний. Но они как лимон: всегда знаешь, что он окажется кислым, но ешь с удовольствием.

One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins,
came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a
bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness." "Hallelujah!", cried the
congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I
ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will
sleep with the Lord," she finished. But before the congregation could
respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, f*ck 'em all."

Originally Posted by charlestonian

One Sunday morning,...

Почитай, пожалуйста, что написано под названием раздела.

Originally Posted by Lampada

Originally Posted by charlestonian

One Sunday morning,...

Почитай, пожалуйста, что написано под названием раздела.

Доброе утро, Лампада

Originally Posted by Ramil

Originally Posted by Lampada

Originally Posted by charlestonian

One Sunday morning,...

Почитай, пожалуйста, что написано под названием раздела.

Доброе утро, Лампада

Добрый вечер, Рамиль! А форум у нас саморегулируемый, "по умолчанию".

Originally Posted by Lampada

Originally Posted by charlestonian

One Sunday morning,...

Почитай, пожалуйста, что написано под названием раздела.

I see "Fun Stuff," duh...
also, "Анекдоты, шутки". So, I am posting a joke.