Thread: Short story

Excellent idea, Pravit, writing short stories in Russian and giving them to us, speakers of Russian, to correct. Why don't we all do a similar thing in English...

Anyway, here's my short story (very short, but this is only the beginning):


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Stolen Childhood

My mum was a Borstal screw and my dad was a pikey. I never saw my dad - the villagers set fire to their campsite one night and they all died in their sleep inside their caravans. The pigs took a less than lukewarm interest in the case, with the gypos gone it was less pain in the arse for them. Everyone seemed to be happy except for my mum who very soon took to the bottle.

(to be continued...)
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2All native speakers of English, please correct my work. Thank you.

High concentrations of British slang! What is it with you and Britain?

My mum was a Borstal screw and my dad was a pikey. I never saw my dad - the villagers set fire to their campsite one night and they all died in their sleep inside their caravans. The pigs took a less than lukewarm interest in the case, with the gypos gone it was less pain in the arse for them. Everyone seemed to be happy except for my mum who very soon took to the bottle.

"The villagers set fire to their campsite and they all" is confusing, because you say you only lost your dad.
The rest is fine, but I should warn you that 'pikey' is a southern slangword, and 'gypo' one from the Midlands. They do have the same meaning.

'Screw' is slang for a prison officer in the UK. Borstal wasn't a prison but an institution where kids under 21 years served a custodial sentence: Borstal was abolished in 1983. There is every chance that the miscreants used that term but I’ve never heard it. No hits for "Borstal screw" on Google.

"the villagers set fire to their campsite..." - Did the villagers set fire to their own campsite or to Dad's? It does in fact work as it is but maybe, "the villagers set fire to his campsite...".

"it was less pain in the arse...". Suggest, "it was less of a pain in the arse".

Looking forward to the rest ;-)
Всего хорошего

Pikey doesn't really mean gypsy anymore (and I speak as a Kentish teenager). A pikey is a person who wears sports clothes all the time and spits and walks up to complete stranges and says "What are you starin' at?" They are best avoided!

Originally Posted by Jasper May

High concentrations of British slang! What is it with you and Britain?

My mum was a Borstal screw and my dad was a pikey. I never saw my dad - the villagers set fire to their campsite one night and they all died in their sleep inside their caravans. The pigs took a less than lukewarm interest in the case, with the gypos gone it was less pain in the arse for them. Everyone seemed to be happy except for my mum who very soon took to the bottle.

"The villagers set fire to their campsite and they all" is confusing, because you say you only lost your dad.
The rest is fine, but I should warn you that 'pikey' is a southern slangword, and 'gypo' one from the Midlands. They do have the same meaning.

Hmm, this is very strange - I've just spoken on Jabber to a police officer from Slough - according to her they use both pikey and gypo, at least she said she would.

@майк

His campsite... their campsite... I could kick myself now... Actually, I was dreading it would come out ambiguos Could't even get rid of the ambiguity in Russian...

As for 'Borstal screw' - indeed, no hits on the Google, yet this is what they said in Gimme Gimme Gimme - I swear (alright, I do not watch such drivel, I tuned in accidently . My Slough PO has no idea about this one cos she's too young to know about Borstals.

Thanks to all of you for your corrections, I appriciate it. I'll write a final corrected version some day, but first I've got to write some more...

P.S. BTW, you have a hell of a sexy force of oppression in the UK - that Slough bird, I wouldn't mind getting handcuffed by her...

VendingMachine, how can we correct your English? It's better than mine. Anyhow, please continue...

Originally Posted by Oddo

Pikey doesn't really mean gypsy anymore (and I speak as a Kentish teenager). A pikey is a person who wears sports clothes all the time and spits and walks up to complete stranges and says "What are you starin' at?" They are best avoided!

We, in Glasgow, prefer to label such miscreants with the collective monicker 'neds'.

It is an acronym of Non Educated Delinquents.

Vending Machine,
there's an online dictionary of English slang at
http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/

Originally Posted by Derek

Vending Machine,
there's an online dictionary of English slang at
http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/

Thanks for the link, Derek, saw it a year or so ago... Somehow I never trust such dictionaries - I prefer to ask real people because dictionaries never tell you how people react to such words. I only use those words I hear in context - a British flic, a conversation with an English speaking colleague or mate, etc and I always ask a native friend if I'd be safe to use it and in what situation, etc.

'Pikey' looks fine to me in that context. In fact, the only things I found awkward were the 'it was less pain in the arse' bit already mentioned, and 'Everyone seemed to be happy except for my mum who very soon took to the bottle' which, while grammatically correct, feels too stylistically different from the rest of the passage to flow properly. It's not slangy enough. That's absolutely no critisim on your English skills, just highlights how bloody well you constructed the rest of it.

I'm well impressed, and probably wouldn't have believed it was written by someone with English as a second language, had I read it anywhere else.

Hi Vending Machine,

I'm with Scotcher - anyone who didn't know, would think that had been written by a native speaker. I've changed it slightly and suggested some additional changes.

"My mum was a screw at a Borstal and my dad was a pikey. I never saw my dad - the villagers set fire to his campsite one night and dad died in his sleep in the caravan. The pigs took a less than lukewarm interest in the case - with the gypos gone it was one less pain in the arse for them. Everyone seemed to be very happy except for my mum who took to the bottle soon after. (or " took to the booze soon after)".

You could also substitute:-
"the villagers" with "locals" or "the locals"
"and dad died" with "and the old man died". "Old man" doesn't necessarily mean старик. In context it can mean "husband" or "father".

I think "pigs" is probably a bit old fashioned now. Try "coppers" or "old Bill" or "filth" or "Mr.Plod" or "Plod".

A more slangy way of saying "took a less than lukewarm interest in the case" would be "couldn't be arsed about it". So that section could read "The coppers couldn't be arsed about it - with the gypos gone it meant one less problem for them".

Come on then , we're all waiting for the next installment now.

Good effort vendingmachine. If I had one over riding criticism, it's that there's just an overload of slang.