Thread: Beloved comic pioner George Carlin (1937 -2008)

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George Carlin On His Standup Persona - Archive Interview
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rn6roeUfMio

"...The musicians I knew had gone through that transition ... I'm listening to Bob Dylan ... and I realize these artists are using their talent to project their feelings and ideas... not just please people ... I was in the wrong place. In 1967 ... I was thirty. I was entertaining people in nightclubs who were forty. They were at war with their kids who were twenty. There was a generation war. I was in the middle of it. I said 'what the fuck am I doing over here?' [The twenty year olds] are the people who will understand me and give me a chance ... I took two years to change and it happened on television ... happened on ... shows like Della Reese, Virgina Graham and Steve Allen," He added, "Virginia Graham was a real shit stirrer. She just loved to get me to talk about smoking pot and Henry Mancini... she got Henry Mancini to cop out to being a pot smoker on TV ... I went on there ... my beard was growing ... my attitudes ... were changing. And I talked about my changes on the panel... a lot."

In celebration of George Carlins new book Last Words Comedians Susie Essman, Michael Ian Black, Jeffrey Ross, Richard Belzer, and George Wendt, reflect on Carlin and his influence.

Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid.
then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same
words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words.
There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous
to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you 7,
Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions,
and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul,
curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does
not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list,
but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understand why
some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.
I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend
with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at
you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the
other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that
Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were
certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I
don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such
stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now."
And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think
it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very
imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to
hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love
than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is
a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but
I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for
the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay,
Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.
I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any
circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even
clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed,
and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7. They're out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock
CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in
the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for
Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but he can't
say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding
them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way word that
goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You
can prik your finger but don't finger your prik. No,no."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEjcz2OZYIU&feature=fvst

Funny, Smart George Carlin

We are all one
YouTube - ‪George Carlin - We are all one‬‏

* “If it’s true that we’re all from the center of a star, every atom on each of us from the center of a star, then we’re all the same thing. Even a Coke machine or a cigarette butt in the street in buffalo is made out of atoms that came from a star. They’ve all been recycled thousands of times, as have you and I. And therefore, it’s only me out there. So what is there to be afraid of? What is there that needs solace seeking? Nothing. There’s nothing to be afraid of because it’s all us.
The trouble is we have been separated by being born and given a name and an identity and being individuated. We’ve been separated from the oneness, and that’s what religion exploits. That people have this yearning to be part of the overall one again. So they exploit that. They call it god, they say he has rules, and I think it’s cruel. I think you can do it absent religion.” - George Carlin

George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
...
Here's another one of our
spiritually uplifting activities.
We don't do this one much anymore,
but it use to be really big.
Human sacrifice.
I miss that.
The Aztecs loved human sacrifice
and they were good at it.
Well, they got a lot of practice.
For instance, right around the year 1500,
the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people
in one ceremony.

Okay?
80,000 people in one ceremony.
You know what the occasion was?
They were opening a new temple.
Nothing like religion
for a little entertainment, huh?
Especially that old time religion.
You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing?
Here's how they did it.
They would do it right out in public.

Right in front of everybody.
Big town.
Beautiful city square.
20, 30,000 people looking on.
They would take the guy,
lay him on an alter,
cut his chest open,
pull his heart out,
hold it up in the air while it was still beating.
Got that?

Cut his chest open,
pull his heart out and hold it up in the air
while it was still beating.
You know what you call that?
Theater.
That is fucking theater.
And although the procedure
may have been a little too crude
to be considered the first bypass surgery,
it could easily be seen as

an early form of organ donor program.
The Aztecs, human beings just like us.
Not too long ago, 500 years.
Columbus had already landed.
This is just south of here.
Mexico.
And by the way,
those hearts didn't go to waste.
Did not go to waste.
Because right after the ceremonies,

the royal family, naturally,
would enjoy another one of our amusing activities,
cannibalism.
Imagine that.
Chowing down on another human being.
You got to be all out of beef jerky, man.
You got to be really fucking hungry.
But it happens, doesn't it?
It still happens to this day.
A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness,
run out of Pop-Tarts,
you got to eat something.
Might as well be Steve.
And how do you decide who to eat first?
How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack?
Do you pick on the little guy
because he's skinny and he can't fight back?
Or do you all gang up on the body builder
because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?
These are things human beings have to consider.

One more of these charming diversions of ours,
necrophilia.
Now there's a hobby for you.
Fucking a corpse.
It takes a special kind of guy.
Don't you think?
But it happens, it happens.
More than you might think.
It happens among humans.
Animals don't do that.
Animals don't fuck their dead.
A rat will do a lot of gross things,
but he will not fuck a dead rat.
It wouldn't even occur to him.
Only a human being would think
to fuck someone who just died.
We got to be the most interesting critters
on the planet.
And then we wonder why a UFO
doesn't just land and say, hello.

You know the best thing about necrophilia?
You don't have to bring flowers.
Yeah, usually they're already there.
Isn't that nice?
It's nice.
It's convenient.
Human beings will do anything.
Anything.
I am convinced.
That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq,

it didn't bother me.
I took it right in stride.
A lot of people here were horrified.
"Oh, beheadings, beheadings."
What are you fucking surprised?
It's just one more form of extreme human behavior.
Besides, who cares about some
mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma
who gets his head cut off?
Fuck him.

Fuck him.
Hey, Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off?
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.
They ain't cutting off heads in Oklahoma.
As far as I know.
But I do know this,
you strap on a gun
and go strutting around some other man's country,
you better be ready for some action, Jack.

You better be ready for some action.
People are touchy about that sort of thing.
And let me ask you this
while I have you good, clean Americans here.
This is a moral question, not rhetorical.
I'm looking for the answer.
What is the moral difference
between cutting off one guy's head
or two or three or five or ten
and dropping a big bomb on a hospital

and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?
Has anybody in authority
given you an explanation of the difference?
I have not gotten an email on this.
No one will talk to me.
I haven't gotten a postcard,
not a fucking instant message, nothin'.
Now, in case you're wondering
why I have a certain interest and fascination,
let's call it,

with torture and beheadings
and all of these things I've mentioned
is because each of these items
reminds me in life,
every time one of them occurs,
it reminds me over and over again
what beasts we human beings really are, you know?
When you get right down to it,
when you get right down to it,
human beings are nothing more

than ordinary jungle beasts.
Savages.
No different from the Cro-Magnon people
who lived 25,000 years ago
in the Plasticine Forest
eating grubs off of rotten logs.
No different.
Our DNA hasn't changed substantially
in 100,000 years.
We're still operating out of the lower brain.


The reptilian brain.
Fight or flight.
Kill or be killed.
Now, we like to think we've evolved and advanced
because we can build a computer,
fly an airplane,
travel underwater.
We can write a sonnet,
paint a painting,
compose an opera.

But you know something?
We're barely out of the jungle on this planet.
Barely out of the fucking jungle.
What we are is semi-civilized beasts
with baseball caps and automatic weapons.
And this civilization of ours
that we're so proud of,
this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior,
you ever stop and realize
how fragile all this is?
Permalink here (line 731)
How fragile the whole structure,
how easily it can all just break right down,
just break right down.
It wouldn't take much.
It'll probably happen in less than two years.
It wouldn't take much
to throw us right back into barbaric times.
All you'd have to do
would be eliminate electricity.
That's all.
Permalink here (line 741)
But completely.
Eliminate electricity.
So, no electricity, no lights.
You're back to candles and lanterns.
Campfires and bonfires.
Batteries couldn't be recharged.
Generators couldn't be refueled
because fuel is pumped electrically.
So is water, by the way.
So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers.

And computers run everything.
And among the many things computers run
that operate on electricity
are all of the security systems
in all of our jails
and prisons and nut houses.
So suddenly without electricity,
all across America
the gates and cell doors
of penitentiaries

and mental institutions
would fly open
and out would come all of our old friends.
The ones who've been away,
at camp.
Serial killers,
mass murderers,
felony rapists,
armed robbers,
car jackers,

home invaders,
thieves,
burglars, kidnappers,
sadists, pedophiles,
sexual predators, pimps,
pushers, pornographers,
speed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies.
All the ethnic street gangs.
Blacks, Spanish and Asian gangs,
Japanese Yakuza,
Russian Mafia,
Neo-Nazis,
white supremacists,
Sicilian hit man,
Italian mobsters,
Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs.
And those are just the ones we caught.
Lets not forget their counter-parts
still on the outside right now
waiting to hook up with their prison buddies
so they can start a new organization,
The American Federation of Sociopaths.
Just what the country needs.
Another special interest group.
Eight to ten million of them there would be.
Counting all the parolees
and all the probationers
and the ones who've never been caught.
Eight to ten million
bitter, angry, violent,
sexually hyperactive alpha males
with nothing to do.
No hobbies.
No medication.
No scruples.
Just a bunch of bad guys
looking for a good time.
Maybe dropping by your house.
"Hi.
Hope we're not intruding.
Got any beer?
Oh, good.
Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here.
How about women?
Got any women?
Oh, just your wife, huh?
Well, I think we can make that work.
Now boys, there's a lady here.
So I want you to mind your manners
and wait your turn."

Police wouldn't help you.
They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble.
They'd be home protecting their own families.
So would the Army and the National Guard.
You'd be alone.
You'd be on your own.
You'd be S.O.L. And J.W.F.
Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked.
Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked.
After a couple of years of living like that,
beheadings would be the least of your problems.
People would be lining up to be beheaded.
So let's get back to suicide,
which now seems like a reasonable alternative.


Suicide is an interesting topic to me
because it is an inherently interesting decision.
To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore.
It's profound.
You know what it is?
It's the ultimate makeover.

That's why I think it belongs on television.
In this depraved culture we live in,
with all of these reality shows.
Suicide and television will be a natural.
I'll bet you I can have
an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV.
I'll bet you.
Shit, they got all golf.
What the fuck, huh?
Goddamn.

You ever watch golf?
You ever watch golf?
It's like watching flies fuck.
If you'd get a bunch of brainless assholes
insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon
on that kind of shit,
you know you can get some people to watch some suicides.
All day long,
24 hours a day
nothing but suicides.

Must die TV.
You'd get a lot of people watching that shit.
You'd get a lot of people
volunteering to be on there, too.
Just so their friends can see them on TV.
People are fucking goofy.
You'd get a lot of volunteers.
You'd get all them leftover assholes
from "Let's Make a Deal".
They'd be lined up around the block

pushing each other out of the way,
putting on funny capes and caps and hats
and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide.
Guys would be competing for most unusual method.
People would be jumping off of silos,
lighting themselves on fire,
putting rat poison on a taco,
drinking Mop & Glo,
sticking moth balls up their ass.
You'd probably have some weird fuck show up

who'd figured out how to kill himself
with dental floss and a stinger missile.
People are fucking goofy.
I'd bet you could find you a married couple,
in this country, shit.
I'll bet you,
you could find a married couple
in one of them trailer parks or something
who'd be perfectly willing
to sit in a loveseat

and blow each other's heads off with shotguns
while a love song is playing.
People are fucking nuts.
This country is full of nitwits and assholes.
Do you ever notice that?
Oh, my goodness, yes.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
Nitwits, assholes,
fuck ups, scumbags,

jerk offs and dipshits.
And they all vote.
They all vote, yeah.
In fact, sometimes you get the impression
They're the only ones who vote.
You can usually tell who's been doing the voting
by looking at the fucking election returns.
Man, it sure ain't me out there
wasting my time
with a meaningless activity like that.

You know those people on the "Jerry Springer Show",
those are the average Americans.
Oh, yeah, believe me.
Below average can't get on the show.
Can't get on.
Below average is sitting home
watching that shit on TV,
getting ready to out and vote,
filling out their sample ballot.
People are fucking dumb.

You can say what you want about this country,
and I love this place.
I love the freedoms we used to have.
I love it.
I love that.
I love it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe
to get us to care for one another.
I love the fact
that we're on camera all the time
from all angles.

But, you know, you can say what you want about America.
And I say I love this place.
I wouldn't have it any other way,
wouldn't live in any other time in history
in any other place.
But say what you want about America.
Land of the free, home of the brave.
We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers
floating around this country.
Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know.

Now, obviously that doesn't include this audience.
I understand that.
You seem intelligent and perceptive
but the rest of them,
holy jumping fucking shit balls.
Dumber than a second coat of paint.
Now, this ain't just ranting and raving.
This ain't just blowing off steam.
I got a little evidence to support my claim.
It just seems to me

seems to me,
that only a really low IQ population
could have taken this beautiful continent,
this magnificent American landscape
that we inherited...
Well, actually, we stole it
from the Mexicans and the Indi

1977 George Carlin - On Location at USC

(1 hour 26 mins)


Uploaded by whyamidoingthis12345 on Oct 20, 2011

(197 George Carlin - On Location at Phoenix

1 hour 21 mins
Uploaded by whyamidoingthis12345 on Oct 20, 2011

(1982) George Carlin - Carlin at Carnegie

59 minutes

Uploaded by whyamidoingthis12345 on Oct 21, 2011

Uploaded by cakypa1 on Oct 16, 2011
George Carlin Again!

"Джордж Карлин: снова!" (иногда его называют "Джордж Карлин: вживую в Фениксе") второе выступление американского стенд-ап комика Джорджа Карлина, записанное каналом HBO. Оно было снято в Театре Знаменитостей в Фениксе, штат Аризона, в 1978 году.

Год эфира: 1978

Продолжительность: 01:21:21

Перевод: Субтитры. (За основу был взят перевод MIKABOSHI, исправлена неудачная интерпретация некоторых шуток и выражений, особенно, часть с грязными словами)

План выступления:
Open / Открытие
Beginnings / Начинания
Live in Phoenix / Вживую в Фениксе
I Wonder / Мне интересно
What Time is It? / Который час?
The Long Newcast / Длинная сводка новостей
Al Sleet / Эл "Гололед"
Death is Imminent / Смерть неизбежна
Dirty Words / Грязные слова
Mrs. Carlin / Миссис Карлин
Program Credits / Титры

Uploaded by Mariannanovicka on May 16, 2009
"Религия как большой бизнес, большой развод миллионов. Без чего Бог не может существовать? Без денег! - Джорж Карлин и его монолог о религии."

Top Ten - Top 10 George Carlin Quotes - Top 10 - George Carlin Jokes

Uploaded by Nonfictionbook on Oct 19, 2011

_______________________________________

http://youtu.be/1XeN-joYT04

Что я делаю в Нью-Джерси? (198


Uploaded by dd1995100 on Dec 28, 2010

George Carlin - What Am I Doing in New Jersey

В субтитрах и в оригинале ненормативная лексика!

Джордж Карлин меняет содержание, начиная разговор о политике, а так же о людях без которых было бы лучше, о людях с которыми нужно быть внимательным и о вождении.

Год выпуска: 1988
Страна: США
Жанр: stand-up комедия, монолог
Продолжительность: 58 мин. 30 сек.

Список миниатюр:
Reagan's Gang, Church People, and American Values
Keeping People Alert
People I Can Do Without
More Stuff on Cars and Driving

George Carlin is my HERO! No one can quite fill his shoes, because no one could tell it like he could. Damn, he always was spot on too. He always had some of the most relevant and profound insights on politics, religion, race, and pretty much everything else. He had an amazing grasp of language too. He was always blunt, honest and unabashed. There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss him.

I'm grateful for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who have managed to keep many Americans sane over the past decade! But no one can ever replace Carlin. Ever.

George Carlin - Lying Politicians And Words

George Carlin: Now having somewhat successfully established my press credentials, and because you and I have at least one thing in common, which is that all of us deal with language all the time. I thought it might be nice today for me to come to you with some of my language complaints, certainly not to blame them on you, although of course you are implicated.

And not that you can help it, I mean, the problem is really with the people you cover, the politicians, the celebrities and the lawyers. And although their level of insincerity is astonishing, it’s still kind of fun to hear them talk. In particular, it’s fun to listen to Washington talk. Whenever the issue of term limits comes up, I always tell people, the only term limits I am interested in would be to limit some of the terms used by politicians.
They speak of course with great caution, because they must take care not to actually say anything. Proof of this, according to their own words, is that they don’t actually say things, they indicate them. As I indicated yesterday and as the President indicated to me, but sometimes they don’t indicate, they suggest, let me suggest, that as I indicated yesterday, I haven’t determined that yet. See, they don’t decide they determine, if it’s a really serious matter, they make a judgment, I haven’t made a judgment on that yet. When the hearings are concluded, I will make a judgment or I might make an assessment.

I am not sure, I haven’t determined that yet, but when I do, I will advise you, they don’t tell they advise. I advised him that I had made a judgment, thus far he hasn’t responded. They don’t answer, they respond. He hasn’t responded to my initiative. An initiative is an idea that isn’t going anywhere. When he responds to my initiative, I will review his response, take a position, and make a recommendation. See, they don’t read the review, they don’t have opinions, they take positions, and they don’t give advice, they make recommendations.
And so, at long last after each has responded to the others initiatives, and each has reviewed the other’s responses, and everyone has taken a position, made a judgment, and offered a recommendation, now, they have to do something, but that would be much too direct. So, instead they address the problem, we are addressing the problem, and we’ll soon be proceeding, that’s a big activity here in Washington, proceeding. They are always proceeding, they are moving forward, a lot of that goes on.

Senator, have you solved that problem? Well, we are moving forward on that? And when they are not moving forward, they are moving something else forward, such as the process. We have to move the process forward so we can implement the provisions of the initiative in order to meet these challenges; no one has problems anymore, challenges. That’s why we need people, who can make the tough decisions, tough decisions like how much soft money, can I expect to collect in exchange for my core values, so that – thank you, so that I can continue my work in government.

Of course, no politician would admit to such a lowly station as working in government, serving the nation. I am serving the nation; another favorite distortion is public service. I am in public service, I like America, don’t you? The food is great, but the public service is terrible. Now, folks, a question for you, do you think it’s possible that one of these politicians whose judgment is so poor that he honestly thinks of himself as serving the nation might occasionally be expected to indulge in the little patriotism, huh, what do you think?
Well, of course, not only is it possible, it’s inevitable and that’s what he is at his very best, that’s when he trots out the really good stuff all across this great land of ours, the greatest nation on earth, the greatest nation in the history of the world. And in times of military crisis, you can be sure that someone in a suit in this town will eventually plant himself in front of a camera and carry on a great deal about the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. Normally, during peace time, the politicians will refer to people in the military as our young men and women stationed around the world.

But in war time, they quickly become our brave young fighting men and women stationed halfway around the world in places whose names they can’t pronounce wondering, if they’ll ever see their loved ones again. For added emotional impacts, sons and daughters can always be substituted for men and women. And so, I think we can sum this up by saying, that where the military is concerned, the extent of a politician’s insincerity can be measured by how far around the world our soldiers are stationed and whether or not any of them can pronounce it.Incidentally, another way of expressing this sentiment is to say, we are sending our young men and women to places the average American can’t find on a map. I’ve always thought of this kind of funny and somewhat out of character for a politician to go out of his way to point out the low level of American intelligence, when indeed his very job depends upon it. It would seem to fly in the face of that other rhetorical standby of theirs the American people are a lot smarter than they are given credit for. This is said with a straight face although it is obvious of course that the proposition is being stated precisely backwards.

But the politicians, god bless them or something like that, they are at their most entertaining when they are in trouble. When they are in trouble, their explanations usually began simply with words like miscommunication. What did you wrong Senator? Well, it was a miscommunication or I was quoted out of context, better yet and more ironic, they twisted my words. Such a nice touch, a person who routinely spends his days torturing the language complains, they twisted my words.

Then, as the controversy continues to heat up, he moves to his next level of complaint, the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. The whole, it’s always the whole thing, apparently, no one has never claimed that only a small portion of something was blown out of proportion. It has to be the whole thing, that’s because now he is feeling the heat. And so, as time passes and more evidence comes in, he suddenly changes directions and tells us, we are trying to get to the bottom of this, now he is on the side of law and orders, jujitsu, really.
We are trying to get to the bottom of this, so we can get the facts out to the American people that’s always a nice touch, American people. In fact, at this point, he might even say, I am willing to trust in the fairness of the American people. Clearly, he is preparing us for something.

And so, and finally all the facts comes out on our subject seems quite guilty, he employs that sublime use of the passive voice, mistakes were made. Mistakes were made, don’t look at me, probably someone in my office, things are moving faster now, mistakes were made is rapidly overtaken, but there is no evidence, no one has proven anything.

Eventually, I will be exonerated, I have faith in the American judicial system, and that certain sign that things are closing in, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty, whatever happened, well now, yeah, well he is about to find out. And we know this must be true, because the next thing we hear from him is, I just want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life. I just want to put this behind me, that’s an expression we hear a lot these days in all walks of life.

From people in all walks of life, usually the person in question has committed some unspeakable act, yes, it’s true, I strangled my wife, shot the triplets, set fire to the house and sold my young son to an old man on the train, but now I just want to put this thing behind. That’s the problem in this country, too many people are getting on with their lives. I think what we really need more of is ritual suicide, you know never mind the press conferences, get the big knife out of the drawer.

Personally, what I want to do is to put this, I want to put this thing behind me and get on with my life, thing behind me, and get on with my life. I’ll repeat that for you, personally I want to put, I want to put this, I want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life, thing behind me and get on with my life. And just to round out this section, let’s hope there is a special place in hell reserved for those who have recently decided to take responsibility for their actions, that’s the big thing now, taking responsibility for your actions, like it’s a recent discovery, you know.

He is taking responsibility for his actions, well, isn’t that wonderful? Ask him, if he is willing to take responsibility for my actions, along with my alimony and my car payments, and my gambling debts. Now, continuing with more of these, more general language complaints, and forgetting the Washington angle for …

http://lybio.net/george-carlin-lying...-words/comedy/

George Carlin - It's a big club and you ain't in it


Carlin - The Real
Owners Of America
6-24-8

"The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians, they're an irrelevancy. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the statehouses, the city halls. They've got the judges in their back pockets. And they own all the big media companies, so that they control just about all of the news and information you hear. They've got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying ­ lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else." "But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. That's against their interests. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. "You know what they want? Obedient workers ­ people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork but just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And, now, they're coming for your Social Security. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back, so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They'll get it. They'll get it all, sooner or later, because they own this fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club." "This country is finished."

"This next piece of material, like most good ideas, is fairly simple. It's just a list of people who ought to be killed.

Starting with these people who read self help books. Why do so many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three good meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery? And the part that I don't understand, if you're looking for self help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self help.... that's help. There's no such thing as self help, if you did it yourself, you didn't need help. You did it yourself. Try to pay attention to the language we've all agreed on.

And a similiar mystery to me. Motivation books, motivation seminars. Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say if you lack motivation, a seminar isn't going to help ya. What you really need is to be smashed over the head thirty or fourty times with a golf club. That'll fucking motivate ya. Or else it'll at least get you up and moving around the room. You know, locate your socks and shit like that. Get the day rolling. Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me, this country could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the people who are causing all the trouble. Stock swindlers, seriel killers, child molesters... christian conservatives. These people are highly motivated, highly motivated. And anyway, I think motivation is over rated. You show me some lazy prick whose lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis and I'll show you someone who is not causing any fucking trouble!"

LONG LIVE CARLIN

Dedicated to greatest comedian ever..