George Carlin - Lying Politicians And Words
George Carlin: Now having somewhat successfully established my press credentials, and because you and I have at least one thing in common, which is that all of us deal with language all the time. I thought it might be nice today for me to come to you with some of my language complaints, certainly not to blame them on you, although of course you are implicated.
And not that you can help it, I mean, the problem is really with the people you cover, the politicians, the celebrities and the lawyers. And although their level of insincerity is astonishing, it’s still kind of fun to hear them talk. In particular, it’s fun to listen to Washington talk. Whenever the issue of term limits comes up, I always tell people, the only term limits I am interested in would be to limit some of the terms used by politicians.
They speak of course with great caution, because they must take care not to actually say anything. Proof of this, according to their own words, is that they don’t actually say things, they indicate them. As I indicated yesterday and as the President indicated to me, but sometimes they don’t indicate, they suggest, let me suggest, that as I indicated yesterday, I haven’t determined that yet. See, they don’t decide they determine, if it’s a really serious matter, they make a judgment, I haven’t made a judgment on that yet. When the hearings are concluded, I will make a judgment or I might make an assessment.
I am not sure, I haven’t determined that yet, but when I do, I will advise you, they don’t tell they advise. I advised him that I had made a judgment, thus far he hasn’t responded. They don’t answer, they respond. He hasn’t responded to my initiative. An initiative is an idea that isn’t going anywhere. When he responds to my initiative, I will review his response, take a position, and make a recommendation. See, they don’t read the review, they don’t have opinions, they take positions, and they don’t give advice, they make recommendations.
And so, at long last after each has responded to the others initiatives, and each has reviewed the other’s responses, and everyone has taken a position, made a judgment, and offered a recommendation, now, they have to do something, but that would be much too direct. So, instead they address the problem, we are addressing the problem, and we’ll soon be proceeding, that’s a big activity here in Washington, proceeding. They are always proceeding, they are moving forward, a lot of that goes on.
Senator, have you solved that problem? Well, we are moving forward on that? And when they are not moving forward, they are moving something else forward, such as the process. We have to move the process forward so we can implement the provisions of the initiative in order to meet these challenges; no one has problems anymore, challenges. That’s why we need people, who can make the tough decisions, tough decisions like how much soft money, can I expect to collect in exchange for my core values, so that – thank you, so that I can continue my work in government.
Of course, no politician would admit to such a lowly station as working in government, serving the nation. I am serving the nation; another favorite distortion is public service. I am in public service, I like America, don’t you? The food is great, but the public service is terrible. Now, folks, a question for you, do you think it’s possible that one of these politicians whose judgment is so poor that he honestly thinks of himself as serving the nation might occasionally be expected to indulge in the little patriotism, huh, what do you think?
Well, of course, not only is it possible, it’s inevitable and that’s what he is at his very best, that’s when he trots out the really good stuff all across this great land of ours, the greatest nation on earth, the greatest nation in the history of the world. And in times of military crisis, you can be sure that someone in a suit in this town will eventually plant himself in front of a camera and carry on a great deal about the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. Normally, during peace time, the politicians will refer to people in the military as our young men and women stationed around the world.
But in war time, they quickly become our brave young fighting men and women stationed halfway around the world in places whose names they can’t pronounce wondering, if they’ll ever see their loved ones again. For added emotional impacts, sons and daughters can always be substituted for men and women. And so, I think we can sum this up by saying, that where the military is concerned, the extent of a politician’s insincerity can be measured by how far around the world our soldiers are stationed and whether or not any of them can pronounce it.Incidentally, another way of expressing this sentiment is to say, we are sending our young men and women to places the average American can’t find on a map. I’ve always thought of this kind of funny and somewhat out of character for a politician to go out of his way to point out the low level of American intelligence, when indeed his very job depends upon it. It would seem to fly in the face of that other rhetorical standby of theirs the American people are a lot smarter than they are given credit for. This is said with a straight face although it is obvious of course that the proposition is being stated precisely backwards.
But the politicians, god bless them or something like that, they are at their most entertaining when they are in trouble. When they are in trouble, their explanations usually began simply with words like miscommunication. What did you wrong Senator? Well, it was a miscommunication or I was quoted out of context, better yet and more ironic, they twisted my words. Such a nice touch, a person who routinely spends his days torturing the language complains, they twisted my words.
Then, as the controversy continues to heat up, he moves to his next level of complaint, the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. The whole, it’s always the whole thing, apparently, no one has never claimed that only a small portion of something was blown out of proportion. It has to be the whole thing, that’s because now he is feeling the heat. And so, as time passes and more evidence comes in, he suddenly changes directions and tells us, we are trying to get to the bottom of this, now he is on the side of law and orders, jujitsu, really.
We are trying to get to the bottom of this, so we can get the facts out to the American people that’s always a nice touch, American people. In fact, at this point, he might even say, I am willing to trust in the fairness of the American people. Clearly, he is preparing us for something.
And so, and finally all the facts comes out on our subject seems quite guilty, he employs that sublime use of the passive voice, mistakes were made. Mistakes were made, don’t look at me, probably someone in my office, things are moving faster now, mistakes were made is rapidly overtaken, but there is no evidence, no one has proven anything.
Eventually, I will be exonerated, I have faith in the American judicial system, and that certain sign that things are closing in, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty, whatever happened, well now, yeah, well he is about to find out. And we know this must be true, because the next thing we hear from him is, I just want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life. I just want to put this behind me, that’s an expression we hear a lot these days in all walks of life.
From people in all walks of life, usually the person in question has committed some unspeakable act, yes, it’s true, I strangled my wife, shot the triplets, set fire to the house and sold my young son to an old man on the train, but now I just want to put this thing behind. That’s the problem in this country, too many people are getting on with their lives. I think what we really need more of is ritual suicide, you know never mind the press conferences, get the big knife out of the drawer.
Personally, what I want to do is to put this, I want to put this thing behind me and get on with my life, thing behind me, and get on with my life. I’ll repeat that for you, personally I want to put, I want to put this, I want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life, thing behind me and get on with my life. And just to round out this section, let’s hope there is a special place in hell reserved for those who have recently decided to take responsibility for their actions, that’s the big thing now, taking responsibility for your actions, like it’s a recent discovery, you know.
He is taking responsibility for his actions, well, isn’t that wonderful? Ask him, if he is willing to take responsibility for my actions, along with my alimony and my car payments, and my gambling debts. Now, continuing with more of these, more general language complaints, and forgetting the Washington angle for …
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George Carlin - On Location at Phoenix
