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Thread: God Save the Queen!

  1. #1
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    God Save the Queen!

    Королева Великобритании берет дело в свои руки. )))



    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

    8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

  2. #2
    Hanna
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    Haha...
    Life would be a bit simpler if they could also use metric and Celsius...
    Imperial measurements are such a nightmare to learn.
    And there should be a law against certain American expressions that do not qualify a real English.

    Unfortunately in real life it's quite the opposite. The UK is nothing but a lapdog to the US. It would perhaps be funny if not for the fact that UK tax payers money is being spent on killing innocent people in the Middle East, bailing out countries that have been manipulation to bankrupcy by American investment banks, not to mention surpressing freedom of expression in Europe.

  3. #3
    heartfelty
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    Such a very very harmless person who cannot even have the gall to kill an ant..Leave her alone..She has her own problems..we too have our own..Even if they give me 1 million dollars a month to act as King of England, I would not accept it. Privacy is the best acquisition one can ever have..Imagine yourself victim of libelous statements in the press and subject of gossip. I think any person in this forum would lose his/her marbles if he becomes a star and treated like how the Queen is treated in this thread..

  4. #4
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    Last edited by Eric C.; March 5th, 2012 at 09:03 PM.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by heartfelty View Post
    Such a very very harmless person who cannot even have the gall to kill an ant..Leave her alone..She has her own problems..we too have our own..Even if they give me 1 million dollars a month to act as King of England, I would not accept it. Privacy is the best acquisition one can ever have..Imagine yourself victim of libelous statements in the press and subject of gossip. I think any person in this forum would lose his/her marbles if he becomes a star and treated like how the Queen is treated in this thread..
    I think you missed the joke completely.
    Or maybe I did, because I don't see anything offensive to the Queen in this thread.

  6. #6
    heartfelty
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    It might be meant to be a harmless joke but try doing them to somebody in Ukraine or Alma Ata who has just awakened and pretty much in a bad mood because he/she is late. You get into trouble, man. I remember putting a classmate who just awakened, in ridicule. What happened? He challenged me into a fist fight! I was a weakling then. So I got beaten badly. His name is ... . ..., how are you there in California now..

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    Moderator Lampada's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heartfelty View Post
    It might be meant to be a harmless joke but try doing them to somebody in Ukraine or Alma Ata who has just awakened and pretty much in a bad mood because he/she is late. You get into trouble, man. I remember putting a classmate who just awakened, in ridicule. What happened? He challenged me into a fist fight! I was a weakling then. So I got beaten badly. His name is... . ...., how are you there in California now..
    It doesn't make any sense here.

  8. #8
    Старший оракул
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    Quote Originally Posted by gRomoZeka View Post
    because I don't see anything offensive to the Queen in this thread.
    Well, some people may feel that it doesn't befit the Queen to be sarcastic, as on the guns issues, or peevish, as on the language issues, or both of the above on the films issues, or just plain silly, as on the tea issue.

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    Завсегдатай maxmixiv's Avatar
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    Спасибо, Громозека, повеселил!

  10. #10
    Почтенный гражданин capecoddah's Avatar
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    <strike>God Save the Queen</strike> My Country Tis of Thee.

    fixed.
    I'm easily amused late at night...

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    Завсегдатай rockzmom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gRomoZeka View Post
    1. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '
    They forgot "ummmm" as one of those fillers! Thank you gRomoZeka for a great laugh. I enjoyed the humour very much.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hanna View Post
    Haha... Life would be a bit simpler if they could also use metric and Celsius... Imperial measurements are such a nightmare to learn.
    Hanna, I believe I mentioned before in some odd thread that I can clearly recall being forced to learn metric in grade school. Being told by my teacher that we were converting to Metric any day now and we must learn it! Let's see, I don't really want to say how old I am... but... the pyramids were still be built when I was in school and here we are no closer to being on the metric system that I now no longer remember yet... it is in our cars so we can think we are going way faster than we actually are!
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  12. #12
    Hanna
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    Well, metric is based on 10 which makes it so much easier than Imperial.
    I have tried to bake according to Imperial and it's really hard!

    In the UK there was BIG fight because there was an EU legislation that was literally forcing the UK to start using metric in shops, for selling meat, cheese etc.

    People were so angry. One grocer were actually sentenced to prison (not long, just a few weeks) because he refused to make the switch. People from all of England drove to his shop to to buy their groceries to show their support, so he made lots of money from it. He became a sort of anti-EU hero in the evening papers.

    I thought it was brilliant because I was literally incapable of learning Imperial and suddenly I could say "Give me 500 gram of that" etc. Previously I had to guess at Imperial.

    The shop staff was totally confused and did not know for example "hecto" or "decimetre" even though they are normal metric measurements. Everything had to be given in the most basic units that were on the actual scales or ruler, or they were confused.
    Rather funny for me and all the French and German expats in the area were I lived.

    Then suddenly they changed back.. Imperial became allowed again, but the good thing was that you could continue use gram if you wanted and as a result I never used metric.

    British TV news always give temperatures in both Celsius and Fahrenheit. I have no idea why they can't make up their minds and my vote is obviously on Celsius even though I have a basic idea of Fahrenheit by now.

    Another really dangerous thing is the left hand traffic in the UK.
    It is both INCREDIBLY dangerous - people die every year because of this! And expensive for people who cannot continue using their car if they move between the UK and another country, because the steering wheel is on the wrong side.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rockzmom View Post
    I can clearly recall being forced to learn metric in grade school.
    I think that apart from an understandable desire to follow their own traditions people are generally averse to metric system because they think it's something incredibly complex. It is not! You can learn metric system in 5 minutes flat, that's why it was invented - because of it simplicity (and for uniformity purposes, of course).

    You use grams to measure weight and meters to measure length, and that's it (no overlapping yards, foots and whatnot, that drive crasy international students).
    There are a few prefixes to make the use of it more comfortable and avoid such mouthfuls as "I need 230 thousands of grams of sand": kilo- (1000 times bigger), deci- (10 times smaller), centi- (100 times smaller), milli- (1000 times smaller).

    Thus you get kilometers (1000 m), meters, decimeters (0.1 m), centimeters (0.01 m), millimeters (0.001 m) to measure lengths, and kilograms (1000 g), grams and milligrams (0.001 g) to measure weights.

    It really aligns nicely with the decimal numeration we use, isn't it? I think kids in America would have less problems with math if they were used to metric system in everyday life. )

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    Quote Originally Posted by gRomoZeka View Post
    I think that apart from an understandable desire to follow their own traditions people are generally averse to metric system because they think it's something incredibly complex. It is not! You can learn metric system in 5 minutes flat, that's why it was invented - because of it simplicity (and for uniformity purposes, of course).

    You use grams to measure weight and meters to measure length, and that's it (no overlapping yards, foots and whatnot, that drive crasy international students).
    There are a few prefixes to make the use of it more comfortable and avoid such mouthfuls as "I need 230 thousands of grams of sand": kilo- (1000 times bigger), deci- (10 times smaller), centi- (100 times smaller), milli- (1000 times smaller).

    Thus you get kilometers (1000 m), meters, decimeters (0.1 m), centimeters (0.01 m), millimeters (0.001 m) to measure lengths, and kilograms (1000 g), grams and milligrams (0.001 g) to measure weights.

    It really aligns nicely with the decimal numeration we use, isn't it? I think kids in America would have less problems with math if they were used to metric system in everyday life. )
    The old joke says, "a physician believes there are 1000 bytes in 1 kilobyte, and a programmer believes there are 1024 grams in 1 kilogram". These metric systems seem a bit artificial to me too, they're all bound to the decimal numeral system. I bet anyone who gets used to pounds and miles/feet won't ever be thinking of getting back to kilograms and kilometers.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eric C. View Post
    I bet anyone who gets used to pounds and miles/feet won't ever be thinking of getting back to kilograms and kilometers.
    Same can be said the other way around. It only proves that people do not like changes.

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    Завсегдатай Throbert McGee's Avatar
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    I think that apart from an understandable desire to follow their own traditions people are generally averse to metric system because they think it's something incredibly complex.
    In school, I've used nothing but the metric system since, I would guess, the fifth grade (i.e, when I was about 10 years old). This includes high school physics as well as calculus, and also organic chemistry lab in college. As a result, I probably understand the metric system on a "practical" level better than the average American. (For instance, I know that a liter of milk weighs about 1 kg, and will fit into a hollow cube measuring 10 cm on each side.)

    Even so, it still seems a bit "unnatural" to me to use the metric system in everyday life.

    Part of the reason is that, to me, metric units sound artificial and un-poetic, since English is full of proverbs and expressions relating to the Imperial units ("Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile"; or "He's a 98-pound weakling"), but we've yet to develop any similar expressions based on metric units. (Okay, I can think of one -- "Millimeter peter", referring to a man with an extremely small хрен!)

    Also, some Imperial units have the advantage of being derived from powers of 2, which makes it a bit easier to estimate measurements "by eyeball". (Dividing a square sheet of paper into 8 equal rectangles is easy -- you fold it in half, then in half again, then in half again! Dividing the same square into 10 equal rectangles is not so easy, because it's difficult to visually approximate one-fifth.)

    Even so, I would certainly agree that, in general, metric names are much more logical and simpler to remember, and that it's easier to do calculations with metric units (especially in the case of physics problems where you have to inter-relate mass, distance, and force, for example).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Throbert McGee View Post
    Part of the reason is that, to me, metric units sound artificial and un-poetic, since English is full of proverbs and expressions relating to the Imperial units ("Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile"; or "He's a 98-pound weakling"), but we've yet to develop any similar expressions based on metric units. (Okay, I can think of one -- "Millimeter peter", referring to a man with an extremely small хрен!)
    I agree, metric units are quite impersonal. The only "metric" saying I can think of right now is "метр в кепке", referring to someone very short.
    Nothing prevents Russians from using expressions, mentioning traditional Russian measures, though: "пуд соли съесть", "косая сажень в плечах", "писать аршинными буквами", "бешеной собаке(корове) семь верст не крюк", "Мал золотник, да дорог", etc. You must have heard some of them.

    PS. "Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile" - We'd say: "Give him a finger, and he'll bite the whole hand off".

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    I have tried to bake according to Imperial and it's really hard!
    I'm a bit surprised by this comment -- I don't think there's anything intrinsically harder about baking in Imperial than baking in metric!

    Well, admittedly, it could be difficult if you were trying to follow an old Victorian-era cookbook that called for "a gill of milk" (~0.1 L) or "a half-peck of apples" (~4.5 L). But I can guarantee you that in any modern (post-WWI) American recipe, almost everything will be measured by the "standard cup" (~240 mL) or fractions of a cup -- or for flavorings used in very small quantities, such as black pepper or ground mustard seed or oil of peppermint, by the "standard teaspoon" (~5 mL).

    There are exceptions to this: fresh meats, such as beef or chicken, are usually measured by weight. And butter is measured sometimes by weight and sometimes by volume, so that one recipe may call for "a quarter-pound of butter", while another recipe calls for "a half-cup butter" -- yet the amount of butter is the same in both cases.

    On the other hand, I agree that trying to convert an Imperial recipe to a metric recipe can be tricky -- for example, if you have a US recipe for chocolate cake that gives the oven temperature in Fahrenheit, but you're in a UK kitchen and the oven has Celsius or "gas marks". Also, granular or powder ingredients (flour, sugar, rice) are invariably measured by volume (cups) in American recipes, but by weight (grams) in many European recipes.

    However, if you're using an American cake recipe with standard American measuring cups and an American stove, than "baking with Imperial units" is as simple as can be!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Throbert McGee View Post
    However, if you're using an American cake recipe with standard American measuring cups and an American stove, than "baking with Imperial units" is as simple as can be!
    It does not seem so easy when you live in a country with different standard cups. )) The Russian segment of Internet is filled with cries of distraught Russian women: "How many grams are in a cup"? There's also a lot of hatred towards sticks of butter and ambiguous "portions" on the backs of American food boxes.

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    Moderator Lampada's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eric C. View Post
    The old joke says, "a physician believes there are 1000 bytes in 1 kilobyte, and a programmer believes there are 1024 grams in 1 kilogram". ...

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