Thread: Very short short story; please check grammar etc.

Originally Posted by grafrich

...Как-то удивленно смотря на свои кроссовки, которые шли внизу, Саша думал об этом. I realise they don't tend to move on their own, I was trying to express the idea that, from his point of view (tired boy) they seemed to be moving without him making them move...

I see, then I suggest something like this:

Как-то удивленно смотря на кроссовки, которые, как казалось ему, шли сами, Саша думал об этом. Or a bit simpler - ...на кроссовки, которые как-будто шли сами...

Originally Posted by grafrich

...The gist of the story (its a bit compliocated) is that the mother and son go into a shop, and while looking at the rabbit, they hear the voice of the shop girl, who they can't see, so they think that the rabbit is talking...

This makes perfect sense now I guess this is where I got lost:

В то время находилась молодая продавшица Алина; в узком месте. (в переплёте?)

This kind of doesn't make much sense. I think you should have established the idea that the saleswoman got stuck behind the counter and couldn't be seen by customers

В это время, там находилась молодая продавщица Алина, которая застряла под прилавком и поэтому была скрыта от глаз покупателей. Something like that would have set off the upcoming events quite nicely.

I don't know why I didn't realise that I hadn't made it clear that the shop girl could neither see, nor be seen, due to being under the counter and hidden from view. It's so obvious now. Duh. I did write 'А внизу, под прилавком, Алина была невидимо.' later on, but that is a long way after the doorbell rining, I guess I should have put it in earlier.