Thread: Very short short story; please check grammar etc.

на спине yes, If I had known that one, I'd have used it! Makes perfect sense.

Как-то удивленно смотря на свои кроссовки, которые шли внизу, Саша думал об этом. I realise they don't tend to move on their own, I was trying to express the idea that, from his point of view (tired boy) they seemed to be moving without him making them move. Difficult idea to get across in my own language!

увидел вокруг себя that's pretty much literally how we would say this in English, so I just translated literally, as a guess.

The gist of the story (its a bit compliocated) is that the mother and son go into a shop, and while looking at the rabbit, they hear the voice of the shop girl, who they can't see, so they think that the rabbit is talking...

Маша и сын её, Саша, ходили пешком за покупками, а сейчас сынок устал.
The idea here was just to express this idea:-
'Masha and her son, Sasha, were going shopping on foot, and/but now the young son had become tired.'
So I chose ходили as I thought it would imply that they do this (maybe) every week; an ongoing habit, a tiring, boring routine. Also to express the idea that they were in the middle of their shopping related journey when the other events occurred. I hadnt given any thought as to whether they had finished buying the shopping, or not. Sort of doesnt matter in this context.
Are those good reasons to choose ходили instead of шли?

Originally Posted by grafrich

Маша и сын её, Саша, ходили пешком за покупками, а сейчас сынок устал.
The idea here was just to express this idea:-
'Masha and her son, Sasha, were going shopping on foot, and/but now the young son had become tired.'
So I chose ходили as I thought it would imply that they do this (maybe) every week; an ongoing habit, a tiring, boring routine. Also to express the idea that they were in the middle of their shopping related journey when the other events occurred. I hadnt given any thought as to whether they had finished buying the shopping, or not. Sort of doesnt matter in this context.
Are those good reasons to choose ходили instead of шли?

Ah, then my initial correction was right, you should have used шли as it was an ongoing action at that time. You see, you're right that ходили implies a routine, habit, but only if the action is not happening now or at a time you're speaking of as ходили implies a completed action in that case.

As @Serge_spb mentioned:

Originally Posted by Serge_spb

"Маша и сын её, Саша, ходили пешком за покупками, а сейчас сынок устал." - is absolutely fine sentence, no need for "шли".
They have already done their shopping.

This means that in your sentence they were on their way FROM shopping and not on their way to "shopping", as you wanted to say.

That's the difference.

Originally Posted by grafrich

I don't know why I didn't realise that I hadn't made it clear that the shop girl could neither see, nor be seen, due to being under the counter and hidden from view. It's so obvious now. Duh. I did write 'А внизу, под прилавком, Алина была невидимо.' later on, but that is a long way after the doorbell rining, I guess I should have put it in earlier.

I think you tried to do that, but failed due to your yet limited knowledge. No worries, you'll nail these kind of things soon enough and we'll be happy to help you on your way.

One thing to note, in Russian невидимый usually means invisible in a sense of not being seen from any angle, in plain sight etc... Special forces kind of invisibility, which is not possible as of now as far as we know. If someone or something can't be seen because they're covered from view by something, then we usually say:

Её/его/их etc не было видно

All points noted. There's a lot to remember when choosing which verbal aspect to use, if I'm trying to express something that I haven't learned by rote. I think it is just a matter of exposure and practice. And thanks for the encouragement, that helps too! Any chance you could read some more, see if it makes any sense? No worries if not, as long as someone does.

Originally Posted by grafrich

All points noted. There's a lot to remember when choosing which verbal aspect to use, if I'm trying to express something that I haven't learned by rote. I think it is just a matter of exposure and practice. And thanks for the encouragement, that helps too! Any chance you could read some more, see if it makes any sense? No worries if not, as long as someone does.

If it’s any consolation, Russians have similar problems with English verbs. I guess the verb declension is too different between languages. So much as the rules seem to hardly make any sense for learners I still can't say that I nailed this part of English, even after several years.

As for the rest of your story, don't worry, as I said I'll get to it later, I just don't have the time to check it thoroughly now. I'll try to do that tomorrow.

Originally Posted by grafrich

...Как-то удивленно смотря на свои кроссовки, которые шли внизу, Саша думал об этом. I realise they don't tend to move on their own, I was trying to express the idea that, from his point of view (tired boy) they seemed to be moving without him making them move...

I see, then I suggest something like this:

Как-то удивленно смотря на кроссовки, которые, как казалось ему, шли сами, Саша думал об этом. Or a bit simpler - ...на кроссовки, которые как-будто шли сами...

Originally Posted by grafrich

...The gist of the story (its a bit compliocated) is that the mother and son go into a shop, and while looking at the rabbit, they hear the voice of the shop girl, who they can't see, so they think that the rabbit is talking...

This makes perfect sense now I guess this is where I got lost:

В то время находилась молодая продавшица Алина; в узком месте. (в переплёте?)

This kind of doesn't make much sense. I think you should have established the idea that the saleswoman got stuck behind the counter and couldn't be seen by customers

В это время, там находилась молодая продавщица Алина, которая застряла под прилавком и поэтому была скрыта от глаз покупателей. Something like that would have set off the upcoming events quite nicely.

I don't know why I didn't realise that I hadn't made it clear that the shop girl could neither see, nor be seen, due to being under the counter and hidden from view. It's so obvious now. Duh. I did write 'А внизу, под прилавком, Алина была невидимо.' later on, but that is a long way after the doorbell rining, I guess I should have put it in earlier.