Thread: Poem in Russian

I am struggling with Russian at a very basic level. The following poem was written by me, but I do not know if it stands up as truly making 'poetic sense' both to a Russian and an English reader. Is it just nonsense? Does it have any merit? Could it be corrected in any way? Would it be possible to give me some feedback please?

Regards,

Robin Chater
Published poet (In English)


Малый голос

такие изменения произойдут,
что,
нарушат покойное,
комфортное существование людей.


море солнца и поющую ,
Определенные.
следы зверей
Как прекрасен мир природы.

слышим каждый звук в лесу -
Но
Малый голос
Выкрики
К ветру.

Originally Posted by oliphant

I am struggling with Russian at a very basic level. The following poem was written by me, but I do not know if it stands up as truly making 'poetic sense' both to a Russian and an English reader. Is it just nonsense? Does it have any merit? Could it be corrected in any way? Would it be possible to give me some feedback please?

такие изменения произойдут,
что,
нарушат покойное,
комфортное существование людей.

no comma after 'что' ; "спокойное" instead of.

море солнца и поющую ,
Определенные.

If it was a sentence it has no sense.

слышим каждый звук в лесу -
Но
Малый голос
Выкрики
К ветру.

There is no such thing as 'малый голос", and I have no idea what
"Малый голос выкрики к ветру." can mean.

The first stanza feels all right. The second one is very loose. The third one can mean something... «Малый голос» is a senseless word combination, unless you are a Russian futurism poet.

Originally Posted by oliphant

Would it be possible to give me some feedback please?
Малый голос
такие изменения произойдут,
что,
нарушат покойное,
комфортное существование людей.

море солнца и поющую ,
Определенные.
следы зверей
Как прекрасен мир природы.

слышим каждый звук в лесу -
Но
Малый голос
Выкрики
К ветру.

Hi! For the best result you must post here english version. Dont worry, but unfortunately in russian this one not clear.
If i say "Произойдут такие изменения, что нарушится спокойное и комфортное существование людей!" or "Произойдут изменения, которые нарушат спокойное и комфортное существование людей!" all understend me (but dont unserstand THAN this changes will).
"слышим каждый звук в лесу", "Как прекрасен мир природы" - correct.
But everything else not understandable.

ps. sorry for my mistakes, i learn english (: please correct me

Thank you so much for your kind responses. I was trying to think (not very well) in Russian. Here is my intended English version. Where have I gone wrong? The sea of sun singing was intentional and has perfect metaphorical sense.

Regards, O

**********************

A small voice

Such changes will occur,
That will
Destroy the former
Comfortable existence of people.

The sea of sun singing,
Determined.
The tracks of beasts
Like the wonderful peace of nature.

We hear each sound before the forest -
But
A small voice
Cries
To the wind.

Originally Posted by oliphant

Thank you so much for your kind responses. I was trying to think (not very well) in Russian. Here is my intended English version. Where have I gone wrong? The sea of sun singing was intentional and has perfect metaphorical sense.

A small voice

Such changes will occur,
That will
Destroy the former
Comfortable existence of people.

The sea of sun singing,
Determined.
The tracks of beasts
Like the wonderful peace of nature.

We hear each sound before the forest -
But
A small voice
Cries
To the wind.

Its not easy to translate some words of both languges.
"Determined", for example have many different meanings - определенный(fixed), точный(precise), решительный(resolute), твердый(firm,strong), стойкий(unwavering).
If you dont think about it, you lose all sense more and more.

you may try this means of words:
small - легкий, тихий, слабый
to the wind - на ветру

Thank you very much for your further feedback. I am still struggling with the verses. Would this make poetic sense?

Regards

Oliphant

*****************

Слабый голос

Произойдут изменения,
которые нарушат спокойное
и комфортное существование людей.

море солнца и поющую ,
стойкий
следы зверей
Как прекрасен мир природы.

слышим каждый звук в лесу -
Но
Слабый голос
Выкрики
на ветру


In English

A small voice

Such changes will occur,
That will
Destroy the former
Comfortable existence of people.

The sea of sun singing,
Determined.
The tracks of beasts
Like the wonderful peace of nature.

We hear each sound before the forest -
But
A small voice
Cries
To the wind.

Alas, it still doesn't make much sense and grammatically incorrect.
And I'm not so good in English to get the sense of your verses. Could you explain the sense to us? I don't understand what is the small voice, who or what does make it? The wind itself?

A small voice =?= low voice = тихий голос
And I can't understand this:

A small voice
Cries
To the wind

Maybe this mean "Тихий крик ветру"?

Originally Posted by delog

A small voice =?= low voice = тихий голос
And I can't understand this:

A small voice
Cries
To the wind

Maybe this mean "Тихий крик ветру"?

Скорее "Тихий голос плачет в ветре."

Originally Posted by Cocos

Alas, it still doesn't make much sense and grammatically incorrect.
And I'm not so good in English to get the sense of your verses. Could you explain the sense to us? I don't understand what is the small voice, who or what does make it? The wind itself?

Don't worry about it. I speak perfect English, and it makes absolutely no sense to me, either.
That's the thing about most poets -- they throw a bunch of nonsensical terms together, they lose any and all sense of grammar, and then pat themselves on the back for being so creative.

This is my humble try to translate this verse not in "word-by-word" way but in some kind of poetry manner. . Actually, I guess, I got the sense of it(kinda).

Бессильный голос.

Те изменения случатся
Что уничтожат,
Доселе мирное существование людей

Поющее под светом солнца море всё неумолимо
Следы зверей, гармонию природы видно
Мы слышим каждый леса звук...
Один лишь отдалённый голос
Бессильно плачет на ветру.

Originally Posted by Scrabus

This is my humble try to translate this verse in not "word-by-word" way but in some kind of poetry manner. . Actually, I guess, I got the sense of it(kinda).

Бессильный голос.

Те изменения случатся
Что уничтожат,
Доселе мирное существование людей

Поющее под светом солнца море всё неумолимо
Следы зверей, гармонию природы видно
Мы слышим каждый леса звук...
Один лишь отдалённый голос
Бессильно плачет на ветру.

Красиво получилось. Только, мне кажется, что есть какая-то неувязка с запятыми.
my humble attempt
in a poetic manner
I got a gist of it

I am very grateful for all the assistance I have received from all contributors to my enquiry. Although I am a published poet in English I am really struggling in Russian. I adore the language, but it is slightly defeating me.

I think there is a big difference in Russian and English poetic sensibility. Our poetry is deliberately enigmatic and ambiguous - the 'small voice' suggests someone who is weak and powerless (against the huge forces of politics and society), but if we spelt that out in an English poem it would lose its imaginitive impact. English poetry invites the reader to be creative too, to make more certain those uncertainties conveyed in verse. I tend to write in traditional verse form (very unfashionable! - probable because it is too hard for modern 'free verse' poets!!). By way of illustration, here is one of my sonnets in Shakesperian form (rhymes ABABCDCDEFEFGG). The couplet at the end is meant to be a philosphical reflection or summary of what the poem is trying to say. Again, the image is metaphorical and not literal.

The parting

In the room misty figures come and go
Smelling of stale urinal blocks and sprouts
Somewhere a tele blares, reports of fallen snow
And hoovers suck dust over soiled 'Way Outs'.
Once it was names to faces, now the reverse
All those blank spots where feelings used to be
Thoughts without words attached, the endless curse
Of aches, limbs that won't defy gravity.
I do my best, chat to folks, reminisce
With all the bad things missed out. Sip at soup
Lie still in practice for rigor mortis
Like melting ice cream waiting for the scoop.
Parting pages, we find new lines to read
Ink leading on as moments each recede.

A tele is the everyday word for 'television'. This poem is about someone in an old people's home. I would be very interested to hear from a native Russian speaker about how they respond to it when it is read from a Russian perspective. Does anyone happen to know if there is a poetry society in St Petersburg? I will probable be coming over to StP in 6 weeks' time.

Your poem is adorable! Though I must admit that it gives birth to the feelings much more obscure than ones I experience while reading Russian verse. Can you explain me (in metaphorical sense) the meaning of the last 2 lines:

Parting pages, we find new lines to read
Ink leading on as moments each recede.

Let me post here my own endeavor of writing verse in English (no way close to yours, just a simple love poem ):

I was born between the stars,
Conceived by forces you don't know.
I killed, deprived and had no bars,
My veins were filled with evil flow.

When someone looked into my eyes,
He saw the way he was doomed to die.
Among your breed I spread the lies
And sought the pleasure of suffering cry.

Once I enraged The God of Heaven,
His toleration came to end,
But in his love he spared my living,
For my rebirth thus you were sent.

You showed me the beauty of creatures,
You showed me the warmth of the sun,
You were my enlightening preacher,
Damnation inside was outdone.

My angel, I bless thee forever!
Let's dance among planets above!
No force in this world can us sever,
There is nothing as strong as our love!

How do you find this?

The meaning of the last 2 lines of the sonnet refer to time passing as pages in a book. We want to read on to find out what's in store, but when we do we also lose the moments of our life. Ink in this case is a metaphor for the beating heart, false hope and the inexorable passage of time. The words lead on to the certainty of conclusion and the words, like life, just go running on. We all have the prospect of getting old and finding ourselves in the state described in the body of the poem.

I like your poem and it is far better than much English contemporary verse. Quite an achievement for someone with another native language. You have wriien your verses in what we call quatrains - four lines with a rhyme scheme ABAB. If you are keeping to a classical form you also probably need to attend to the Rhythm of the verse. The most natural Rhythm of the English language is iambic - that is two syllables with a short, then long stress "di- daaaa". If you look at my sonnet you will see it uses the classical shakesperian Rhythm of iambic pentameter - or five pairs of double syllables (ten syllables per line). A syllable is a signle sound - such as "go" (one syllable) or "going" (two syllables) - go + ing. etc

I also think you need to tighten up the odd words. I do not know if you literally mean "He saw the way he was doomed to die" ? If you are saying that you began life in a bad way then you are conveying a very excessive state of badness. You could alternatively say "He saw the many ways that he may die" That indicates that the speaker is imaginative and scheming - really evil, but frighteningly resourceful.

The line "But in his love he spared my living" the word "living" does not rhyme with "Heaven". You could say "But by his love he did me govern" or "But by his love I was forgiven"

You may try to write a poem in the popular 'slam' form. Slam poetry owes its origins to the punk era and 'hip-hop'. They are written to be perfomed in public and carry a distinctive beat - often with a chorus. Your poem reminds me of a slam poem I have written.

Happy versifying!

Oliphant

PS: Private Eye is a popular satirical magazine which contains some small adds from lonely people and adverts (ads) for flat sharing.


The Undertaking

It's the little things that make life worthwhile
Like the fading thought of a lost love's smile.
Or the new one's knock, my very next case
When she comes to lodge, from some sinning place.
There's deals for real, in my
South London, hideaway.

I've this classified ad in Private Eye
Offering ‘one to share’ for dirt cheap rent
I can't be choosy, 'cause I terrify
Which is sad really, as I'm so well meant
There's ordeals for real, in my
South London, hideaway.

A fresh flatmate needs to find their bearings
It's fun at first to talk around sharing
Those intimate times that make nice pairings
In a physical world so unsparing.
There's ideals for real, in my
South London, hideaway.

It's the little things that make life worthwhile
Like the fading thought of a lost love's smile.
Or her face in its place when saying grace
A soul on a roll to it’s last embrace.
There's squeals for real, in my
South London, hideaway.

Bearing God’s testament's not what it was
Brotherhood's gone, door-steppings not easy
Nobody cares about the great big because,
Or Heaven’s sacrifice, prayered by frenzy.
There's zeal for real, in my
South London, hideaway.