Thread: Rus-Eng translation (kid's book). Need help

Here is my translation of the kids' book by Soviet author Nosov, "Know-Nothing on the Moon" ("Незнайка на луне").
Please, check it for errors. I'm going to post a small excerpts from the book once in a while. Feel free to change word order or anything else to make the narration as smooth and natural as possible.

Thanks in advance.

Незнайка на луне (Н. Носов)

ЧАСТЬ I
Глава первая. КАК ЗНАЙКА ПОБЕДИЛ ПРОФЕССОРА ЗВЕЗДОЧКИНА

С тех пор как Незнайка совершил путешествие в Солнечный город, прошло два с половиной года. Хотя для нас с вами это не так уж много, но для маленьких коротышек два с половиной года -- срок очень большой. Наслушавшись рассказов Незнайки, Кнопочки и Пачкули Пестренького, многие коротышки тоже совершили поездку в Солнечный город, а когда возвратились, решили и у себя сделать кое-какие усовершенствования. Цветочный город изменился с тех пор так, что теперь его и не узнать.

"Know-Nothing on the Moon" by Nikolai Nosov (1965)

Part 1.
Chapter 1. How Know-Nothing won over professor Starly

Two and a half years passed since Know-Nothing has made a trip to Sun-city. While it’s not so long for you and me, two and a half years is a very long term for small shorties. Having heard plenty of stories from Know-Nothing, Little Pin and Sully Motley, many of the shorties also made a trip to Sun-city, and upon their return they decided to make some improvements in their own city too. Since then Flower-city changed so much it’s hardly can be recognized now.

В нем появилось много новых, больших и очень красивых домов. По проекту архитектора Вертибутылкина на улице Колокольчиков было построено даже два вертящихся здания. Одно пятиэтажное, башенного типа, со спиральным спуском и плавательным бассейном вокруг (спустившись по спиральному спуску, можно было нырять прямо в воду), другое шестиэтажное, с качающимися балконами, парашютной вышкой и чертовым колесом на крыше. На улицах появилось множество автомобилей, спиралеходов, труболетов, авиагидромотоколясок, гусеничных вездеходов и других разных машин.

A lot of new, big and beautiful buildings appeared there. Upon the project of the architect Spinthebottle there even were built two spinning buildings on the Bluebell-street. The first was five-storeyed, tower-shaped, with a spiral chute and a swimming-pool around it (descending the chute you could dive straight into the water). The second was six-storeyed, with swinging balconies, jump tower and Ferris wheel on the roof. A lot of automobiles, spiralegoes, tubeplanes, aviahydromotocyclecars, caterpillar off-roaders and other different cars appeared on the streets.

Two and a half years passed since Know-Nothing has made a trip to Sun-city. While it’s not so long for you and me, two and a half years is a very long term for small shorties. Having heard plenty of stories from Know-Nothing, Little Pin and Sully Motley, many of the shorties also made a trip to Sun-city, and upon their return they decided to make some improvements in their own city too. Since then Flower-city has changed so much it_ hardly can be recognized now.


A lot of new, big and beautiful buildings appeared there. Upon the project (not sure what this means in this context) of the architect Spinthebottle there even were built two spinning buildings on the Bluebell-street. The first was five-storeyed, tower-shaped, with a spiral chute and a swimming-pool around it (descending the chute you could dive straight into the water). The second was six-storeyed, with swinging balconies, jump tower and a (it just sounds better to me) Ferris wheel on the roof. A lot of automobiles, spiralegoes, tubeplanes, aviahydromotocyclecars, caterpillar off-roaders and other different cars appeared on the streets.
_________________

Thanks for your corrections, DDT! Please rephrase the sentence you found awkward, if you can.

"Upon a project" means here (at least I meant it) that it was the architect S., who designed the buildings.

So apart wrom two mistakes ("it's can" and "a Ferris weel") everything is ok? What's about "other different cars" (sounds a bit awkward to me)?
The text is quite easy, but I'd like it to sound as if a native speaker is talking. Is it good enough for that?

Еxcerpt #2

И это еще не все, конечно. Жители Солнечного города узнали,что коротышки из Цветочного города занялись строительством, и пришли к ним на помощь: помогли им построить несколько так называемых промышленных предприятий. По проекту инженера Клепки была построена большая одежная фабрика, которая выпускала множество самой разнообразной одежды, начиная с резиновых лифчиков и кончая зимними шубами из синтетического волокна. Теперь уже никому не приходилось корпеть с иголкой, чтобы сшить самые обыкновенные брюки или пиджак. На фабрике все делали за коротышек машины. Готовая продукция, как и в Солнечном городе, развозилась по магазинам, и там уже каждый брал, что кому нужно было. Все заботы работников фабрики сводились к тому, чтобы придумывать новые фасоны одежды и следить, чтоб не производилось ничего такого, что не нравилось публике.

That's not the half of the story. Townsfolk from Sun-city found out, that shorties from Flower-cities engaged themselves in house-building, and came to help: they helped to build a few so-called industrial enterprises. Upon the project of the architect Stave a large garment factory was built, which produced a great number of different garments, from elastic bras to synthetic fibre winter coats. Nobody now had to pore with the needle to sew an ordinary trousers or jacket. At the factory everything did machines, not shorties. Finished commodity, as it was in Sun-city, were delivered to the stores, and then everybody took what he needed from there. The only concern of the factory workers was to come up with new garment fashions and ensure nothing was produced that public didn’t like.

PS. I wonder why shorties need bras. It's spooky. Nosov sometimes way too graphic.
(For those who didn't read this series "shorties" are children-like people sized like "medium cucumbers", kinda Soviet hobbits.)

I would say it like this:

According to the architect, Spinthebottle’s, plans, there were even two spinning buildings built, on Bluebell Street.

I would also say:

different TYPES of cars

I think the rest is OK, but wait for a second opinion. I am not sure if I punctuated "the architect Spinbottle's plans, correctly either.

PS. I wonder why shorties need bras. It's spooky. Nosov sometimes way too graphic.

Резиновые притом
gRomoZeka, ты меня заставляешь пересмотреть отношение к книге детства

Thank you very much for your help, DDT!

Originally Posted by Indra

gRomoZeka, ты меня заставляешь пересмотреть отношение к книге детства

Ха-ха, еще рано. Подожди, пока мы дойдем до описания финансовых пирамид, скрытой рекламы и коротышек, которых превращают в баранов.

Я сама последний раз читала эту книжку, когда мне было восемь лет. Сейчас перечитываю и просто прозреваю (в первый раз, впрочем, тоже прозревала).

Это великая книга!
Я из неё почерпнул больше информации по предмету, чем из 5 летнего курса основ экономической теории в институте

В интернете есть профессиональный перевод первой книги на английский.

Originally Posted by Indra

PS. I wonder why shorties need bras. It's spooky. Nosov sometimes way too graphic.

Резиновые притом
gRomoZeka, ты меня заставляешь пересмотреть отношение к книге детства

По итогам нескольких странных запросов в яндексе, гражданину Носову выносится оправдательный приговор))) Лифчики носили именно дети, во как

Многие 50-летние помнят, конечно, и детский лифчик, простой, с пристегивающимися чулочками. Его носили и мальчики, и девочки в детском саду. Причем женские чулки пристегивались спереди и сзади, а детские – только спереди. Они всегда провисали, чуть ли не до колен, а и из-под штанишек и юбок всегда торчали голые ноги. Это выглядело очень не эстетично и психологически многих травмировало

http://www.lingeriehouse.ru/interes/detail.php?ID=1688

так что, видимо, эластичные, неотвисающие детские лифчики и впрямь были важной частью процветания Солнечного города

Боже, боже!
Я помню эт отвисающие чулочки на картинках в детских книжках, но что они пристегивались к лифчикам, я, к счастью, не знала. Боюсь, моя детская психика бы не выдержала. Мне всегда казалось, что их привязывали к ногам.
(В связи с этим вспоминается костюм химзащиты, где сапоги веревочками привязывались к шее. У нас мальчики одевали такой на военной подготовке. )

И зачем мальчикам лифчики? И как они выглядели? Индра, ты мне просто открыла глаза. Я теперь пока не узнаю, не успокоюсь.

Could anybody correct my mistakes in the above Excerpt #2? Pretty please?

That's not the half of the story. Townsfolk from Sun-city found out_ that shorties from Flower-cities engaged themselves in house-building_ and came to helpI would have just started a new sentence here) they helped to build a few so-called industrial enterprises. According to the specifications of the architect Stave, a large garment factory was built_ which produced a great number of different garments_ from elastic bras to synthetic fibre winter coats. Nobody now had to pore with the needle to sew an ordinary pair of trousers or jacket. At the factory everything was done by machines, not shorties. Finished commodity, as it was in Sun-city, were delivered to the stores, and then everybody took what he needed from there. The only concern of the factory workers was to come up with new garment fashions and ensure nothing was produced that the public didn’t like.

Thank you so much, DDT. I really apppreciate your help.

Еxcerpt #3

Все были очень довольны. Единственным, кто пострадал на этом деле, оказался Пончик. Когда Пончик увидел, что теперь можно брать в магазине любую вещь, какая только могла понадобиться, он стал недоумевать, к чему ему вся та куча костюмов, которая накопилась у него дома. Все эти костюмы к тому же вышли из моды, и их все равно нельзя было носить. Выбрав потемней ночку, Пончик завязал свои старые костюмы в огромный узел, вынес тайком из дома и утопил в Огурцовой реке, а вместо них натаскал себе из магазинов новых костюмов. Кончилось тем, что его комната превратилась в какой-то склад готового платья. Костюмы лежали у него и в шкафу, и на шкафу, и на столе, и под столом, и на книжных полках, висели на стенах, на спинках стульев и даже под потолком, на веревочках.

Everybody was very pleased. The only one who suffered from that was Doughnut. When Doughnut realized, that now he can take from the store anything he may need, he became perplexed why does he need all these heaps of suites, piled up in his house. Besides, all these suites have been already out of fashion and one can’t wear them anyway. Choosing a night which was darker than usual Doughnut bundled up all his old suits in the huge bale, secretly carried it out of his house and drowned it in the Cucumber-river. In their place he brought new suits from the stores. He ended up turning his room into some kind of the outer garments storehouse. The suits were lying in his wardrobe, and on his wardrobe, and on the table, and under the table, and on the bookshelves, they were hanging from the walls, from the chair hacks and even under the ceiling, on the strings.

Here's how I would rewrite it. You've done well so far, but these changes will make it sound much more professional.

Two and a half years have passed since Know-Nothing has made a trip to Sun-city. While that may not be so long for you and me, two and a half years is a very long term for Small Shorties (capitals here will emphasize that these are strange creatures). Having heard plenty of stories from Know-Nothing, Little Pin, (added comma) and Sully Motley, many of the shorties have also made visits (unless it is very important that there was only ONE trip, this sounds better) to Sun-city, and upon their return they decided to make some improvements in their own city too. Since then Flower-city has changed so much it is hardly/barely recognizable or you would hardly recognize it (you can use "you" here if it is a children's story).

A lot of new, big and beautiful buildings have appeared there. Following the plans of the architect, Spinthebottle, (added two commas) they even built two spinning buildings on (no article here) Bluebell-street. The first was five-storied and tower-shaped, with a spiral chute and a swimming-pool around it; if you went down the chute, you could dive straight into the water. The second was six-storied, with swinging balconies, a jump tower and a Ferris wheel on the roof. A lot of automobiles, spiralegoes, tubeplanes, aviahydromotocyclecars, caterpillar off-roaders and other vehicles have appeared on the streets. (You could change the spellings of some of those words to look a little better in English, but that is a bit tricky)[/b]

Thank you, paulb, especially for your explanations and tense corrections. Just one question. Can I replace "that may not be so long" with "that might be not so long" here?

Еxcerpt #4

От такого обилия шерстяных изделий в доме развелась моль, и, чтоб она не изгрызла костюмов, Пончику приходилось ежедневно травить ее нафталином, от которого в комнате стоял такой сильный запах, что непривычного коротышку валило с ног. Пончик и сам пропах, насквозь этим одуряющим запахом, но настолько привык к нему, что даже перестал замечать. Для других, однако же, этот запах был очень заметен. Как только Пончик приходил к кому-нибудь в гости, у хозяев сейчас же начинала кружиться от одурения голова. Пончика моментально прогоняли и поскорей открывали настежь все окна и двери, чтобы проветрить помещение, иначе можно было упасть в обморок или сойти с ума. По этой же причине Пончик не имел даже возможности поиграть с коротышками во дворе. Как только он выходил во двор, все вокруг начинали плеваться и, зажав руками носы, бросались бежать от него в разные стороны без оглядки. Никто не хотел с ним водиться. Нечего и говорить, что для Пончика это было страшно обидно, и пришлось ему все ненужные для него костюмы отнести на чердак.

From such an abundance of wool large quantities of moth has appeared in the house and to prevent it from gnawing at the suits Doughnut had to poison it with moth-balls daily. The moth-balls caused such a heavy smell in the room, that unaccustomed Shorties were knocked off their feet. Doughnut also reeked through of this stupefying smell, but he got used to it so much he even ceased to notice it. For others, however, that smell was very evident. Once Doughnut made a visit to somebody, the hosts became dizzy straight away. Doughnut was chased away immediately and all the doors and windows were opened wide as soon as possible to air the rooms, or else it was possible to faint or to go crazy. For the same reason Doughnut even didn’t have an opportunity of playing outdoors with other Shorties. As soon as he came outdoors everybody around began spitting and, holding their noses, took to their heels in all directions without a backward glance. Nobody wanted to keep company with him. Needless to say this offended Doughnut tremendously, and he had to carry all the unnecessary suits away to the attic.

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Thank you, paulb, especially for your explanations and tense corrections. Just one question. Can I replace "that may not be so long" with "that might be not so long" here?

Yes, that is just as good. Maybe even better.

I'll try to work on some more as I get time. I enjoy doing editing like this.

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Here is my translation of the kids' book by Soviet author Nosov, "Know-Nothing on the Moon" ("Незнайка на луне").
Please, check it for errors. I'm going to post a small excerpts from the book once in a while. Feel free to change word order or anything else to make the narration as smooth and natural as possible.

Thanks in advance.

Незнайка на луне (Н. Носов)

ЧАСТЬ I
Глава первая. КАК ЗНАЙКА ПОБЕДИЛ ПРОФЕССОРА ЗВЕЗДОЧКИНА

С тех пор как Незнайка совершил путешествие в Солнечный город, прошло два с половиной года. Хотя для нас с вами это не так уж много, но для маленьких коротышек два с половиной года -- срок очень большой. Наслушавшись рассказов Незнайки, Кнопочки и Пачкули Пестренького, многие коротышки тоже совершили поездку в Солнечный город, а когда возвратились, решили и у себя сделать кое-какие усовершенствования. Цветочный город изменился с тех пор так, что теперь его и не узнать.

"Know-Nothing on the Moon" by Nikolai Nosov (1965)

Part 1.
Chapter 1. How Know-Nothing won over professor Starly

Two and a half years have passed since Know-Nothing __ made a trip to Sun-city. While that's not so long for you and me, two and a half years is a very long time for little shorties. Having heard plenty of stories from Know-Nothing, Little Pin and Sully Motley, many of the shorties also made a trip to Sun-city, and upon their return they decided to make some improvements in (or to) their own city too. Since then Flower-city changed so much it’s hardly can be recognized now.

В нем появилось много новых, больших и очень красивых домов. По проекту архитектора Вертибутылкина на улице Колокольчиков было построено даже два вертящихся здания. Одно пятиэтажное, башенного типа, со спиральным спуском и плавательным бассейном вокруг (спустившись по спиральному спуску, можно было нырять прямо в воду), другое шестиэтажное, с качающимися балконами, парашютной вышкой и чертовым колесом на крыше. На улицах появилось множество автомобилей, спиралеходов, труболетов, авиагидромотоколясок, гусеничных вездеходов и других разных машин.

A lot of new, big and beautiful buildings appeared there. Upon the project of the architect Spinthebottle there even were built two spinning buildings on the Bluebell-street. The first was five-storeyed, tower-shaped, with a spiral chute and a swimming-pool around it (descending the chute you could dive straight into the water). The second was six-storeyed, with swinging balconies, jump tower and Ferris wheel on the roof. A lot of automobiles, spiralegoes, tubeplanes, aviahydromotocyclecars, caterpillar off-roaders and other different cars appeared on the streets.

From such an abundance of wool a large quantity of moths _ appeared in the house and to prevent them from gnawing at the suits Doughnut had to poison them with moth-balls daily. The moth-balls caused such a heavy smell in the room that the unaccustomed Shorties were knocked off their feet. Doughnut also reeked thoroughly of this stupefying smell but he got used to it so much that he even ceased to notice it. For others, however, that smell was very evident. Once, Doughnut made a visit to somebody and the hosts became dizzy straight away. Doughnut was chased away immediately and all the doors and windows were opened wide as soon as possible to air the rooms, or else it was possible to faint or to go crazy. For the same reason Doughnut didn’t
even have an opportunity of playing outdoors with other Shorties. As soon as he would come outdoors everybody around would begin spitting and holding their noses and take to their heels in all directions without a backward glance. Nobody wanted to keep company with him. Needless to say this offended Doughnut tremendously and he had to carry all the unnecessary suits away to the attic.

Я люблюл Носов...и 'Спокойной ночь, Малыши'...Коль не шутишь.