Quote Originally Posted by Lampada View Post
Поздравляю, ты скоро станешь папой!
- Ты что, беременна?
- Нет, блин, из Ватикана позвонили.
This one made me laugh out loud, and I thought, "Oh, I should send this to my mom!" (It's her side of the family that's Catholic.)

Then, of course, I realized that it doesn't work in English.

The one about "уголь для похудения" also can't be translated (because "activated charcoal" is never shortened to "coal"), but I thought the "из Ватикана позвонили!" punchline was much funnier.

But there were two that work just as well in English, so here are my translations for beginners:

В одесской химчистке:
— Безобразие! Почему вы пришили к моему пальто чужие пуговицы?
— А что, было бы лучше, если бы к вашим пуговицам мы пришили чужое пальто?
In an Odessa dry-cleaning shop:
-- "This is outrageous! What do you think you're doing, sewing buttons from god-knows-where onto my raincoat?"
-- "What, would you prefer that we sewed a RAINCOAT from god-knows-where onto your BUTTONS?"

- Голда, если я соблазню твоего мужа, мы останемся подругами?
- Нет.
- Мы станем врагами?
- Нет.
- А что же тогда?
- Мы будем квиты!
-- "Golda, if I were to seduce your husband, could you and I still stay friends?"
-- "No."
-- "Would we become enemies?"
-- "No."
-- "Then what WOULD happen?"
-- "We'd be even!"