Thread: Анекдоты, шутки, шуточные стишки, истории - смешные или не очень

Originally Posted by Lampada

Умирает человек, лежит и думает: «Вот и жизнь моя прошла, а так мало я успел. Сколько раз, к примеру, ходил мимо пива «Очаковское», а ни разу не попробовал, говорил себе, что ни к чему, да и не хотелось особенно. Так и не узнал, что это за пиво».
Лежит дальше. «И в Крым ни разу не съездил. Сколько приглашали меня, всё отказывался, откладывал на потом».
Лежит дальше и думает: «Помираю ведь, а лезет в голову какая-то ерунда. Крым, пиво… Была вот девушка в соседнем дворе, я ей ведь даже предложение хотел сделать, а вот что-то руки не дошли. Может, это?»
Тут картинка меняется, помер он, и оказывается против своего ожидания сразу у ворот рая, где встречает его святой Пётр.
- Добро пожаловать, сын мой, праведной жизнью заслужил ты вход в сию обитель, теперь это твой дом.
- Хорошо, святой отец, - отвечает вновь преставившийся. – А вот нельзя ли перед этим ненадолго назад, в грешный мир? Остались там у меня кое-какие незаконченные дела…
- Нет, всё, сын мой, поздняк метаться.

Спасибо за последние анекдоты, Lampada, а кто-нибудь не помог бы разобраться грамматические отношения в выражении "подзняк метаться"? (To me, "поздняк" looks like a noun, but then one would expect the third-person sg. verb form мечится, not the infinitive, right?)

The other three jokes I understood, I think, but I'm not sure about the ideal translation for the husband's remark in the first joke:

Муж: — Сильно?

...does the word "Сильно?" here mean (from the husband's point of view), "Will it be a lot of trouble/bother [for you to make me a snack]"? I understand what it means in the context of the wife's answer about the headlight, bumper, and hood.

P.S. Question about an older post by maxmixiv:


I have just saw your balance sheet — Видел я ваш баланс... так себе баланс

So, "так себе" is (here) a euphemism for "говно" (= "shit" ~ "sheet")? That's the only way I can make sense of the humor. (But usually "так себе" translated with some expression like "so-so".)

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Спасибо за последние анекдоты, Lampada, а кто-нибудь не помог бы разобраться грамматические отношения в выражении "подзняк метаться"? (To me, "поздняк" looks like a noun, but then one would expect the third-person sg. verb form мечится, not the infinitive, right?)

The other three jokes I understood, I think, but I'm not sure about the ideal translation for the husband's remark in the first joke:

Муж: — Сильно?

...does the word "Сильно?" here mean (from the husband's point of view), "Will it be a lot of trouble/bother [for you to make me a snack]"? I understand what it means in the context of the wife's answer about the headlight, bumper, and hood.

P.S. Question about an older post by maxmixiv:


I have just saw your balance sheet — Видел я ваш баланс... так себе баланс

So, "так себе" is (here) a euphemism for "говно" (= "shit" ~ "sheet")? That's the only way I can make sense of the humor. (But usually "так себе" translated with some expression like "so-so".)

Поздняк is more of an adverb, in that context it means something like "nah, it's too late now to rush from here to there".

"Сильно?..." - well, in Russia, as far as I can tell, it's so incredibly unusual to have your wife make you a snack while letting you watch soccer on TV, that THAT kind of behavior instantly raises suspicions, which in that case are easily deduced from the context, and are that the guy suspected his wife probably had hit his car which was why she was behaving so nicely, so he asked like, "too much damage huh?"

Originally Posted by Eric C.

Поздняк is more of an adverb, in that context it means something like "nah, it's too late now to rush from here to there".

No, it's too late to catch up on what he missed in his life or to relive it.

Originally Posted by Eric C.

"Сильно?..." - well, in Russia, as far as I can tell, it's so incredibly unusual to have your wife make you a snack while letting you watch soccer on TV, that THAT kind of behavior instantly raises suspicions, which in that case are easily deduced from the context, and are that the guy suspected his wife probably had hit his car which was why she was behaving so nicely, so he asked like, "too much damage huh?"

... or she got herself in an accident with her car

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

So, "так себе" is (here) a euphemism for "говно" (= "shit" ~ "sheet")?

Так себе is “so-so”, “not very good”.
Here, it is obviously a euphemism for “shit”.