Great endeavor!

Your second take seems best to me, for it sounds pretty heartrending yet not cheesy. Below’s the reference to the full song performed by Татьяна Кабанова for you to compare with. She perfectly feels the rhythm and spirit of the terrible song.
Татьяна Кабанова - Постой паровоз(2) — на Яндекс.Видео

Also you can read an intricate history of the “blatnyak” song made by Фима Жиганец
Постой, паровоз, не стучите, колёса. История песни (Фима Жиганец) / литературная критика / Проза.ру - национальный сервер современной прозы

So, without further ado, performing “Postoy parovoz” you’re slowly (but inevitably) sliding downward the bottomless abyss of moral turpitude.()