Thread: In search of some English puns...

Hey guys and girls, it's me again . I am looking for some English puns/funny phrases similar to Russian "симуляция труда", "дракоразводный процесс", "мял золотник до дырок" etc. In other words, funny variations of well-known phrases/cliches where a change of one or two letters or sounds completely changes the meaning of this phrase.

That was punny (pun + funny, not considdered a funny pun at all)
The eleventh pun always gets a laugh, even if no pun in ten did. (last word as intended)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion (rather than poetry)

There are loads here: http://www.badpuns.com/

Weeds - they're a pain in the grass.

Captain Nemo's overriding fear about sailing aboard the Nautilus: 20,000 Leaks under the Sea.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix...don't drink and derive.

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

Two armed robbers raided a bank yesterday, only to find the vaults empty - except for one root vegetable in the middle of the room. That certainly was a turnip for the crooks.

My wife and I are in the iron and steel business - she does the ironing, I do the stealing.

I got sent a package the other day, but when it arrived it was all damp - they said it must have had postage dew.

Do bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread?

When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote... sometimes the eyes

have it, and sometimes the nose.

A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas.

When fishermen get too competitive, they start suffering from pier pressure.

The politician had to slash the budget, so he held a fund razor.

After the silver prospector told his secrets, he found it was a real lode off his mine.

When I built the extension to my house, I used as little wood as possible, because I wanted to conserve-a-tree.

A Zen Master walks up to a hot-dog seller, and says: "Make me one with everything."

And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

The shop assistant asked whether I wanted it measured in Pounds or Kilos, so I just told him that either weigh would do.

Are cardboard belts just a waist of paper?

A chicken in love is poultry emotion.

Coming soon: Timepieces for astronauts. Watch this space!

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to re-heat it.

When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

When the knight walked into the blacksmith's shop, the blacksmith said, "Welcome, you've got mail."

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Puns for Mathematicians

this pset is a pain in the asymptote

Friends don't let friends drink and derive

geez, a problem set of forty problems... the professor must be a mathochist