Thread: I need a favor :)

Can you read through this text and check mistakes for me.
i don't mean misspeling. I want it sounded as if it was written by a native speaker.

While I was in the US, there was a girl who I admired, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. She was so beautiful. and I was fascinated by her beauty. Actually I am still fascinated. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, at least in ***. In spite of the beauty, she looked lonely. It seemed strange to me.But the really amazing thing was that she was working at **.I have no idea why she was doing that. I mean to say she was like an angel in that horrible place. I was walking around the location where she worked quite often, pretending that I came
there by chance. I was afraid of starting conversation with her. As you can see my English is far from perfect, that was the reason, and the other one was that I am shy.I swore myself a lot of times for cowardness. But I couldn't do anything about that.Once, in the middle of September I saw her for the last time. It was early morning. the weather was nice and lovely. White clouds were chasing each other in the deep blue sky, and the sun shone brightly.She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on a step of the stair. She looked sleepy and bored. I was sitting on the bench not far from there, separated from her by the fence. That time I was determined to go and talk with her because I knew that it was my last chance to do it. But I decided to smoke a cigarette first before going to her.I took out a pack of cigaretts from my pocket, and started smoking. By the time I was done with it, she had been gone. And I've never seen her since then.

Originally Posted by Ustas

While I was in the US, there was a girl who I admired, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all.

Try... "While I was in the US, I admired a girl, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. "

She was so beautiful. and I was fascinated by her beauty. Actually I am still fascinated. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, at least in ***.

She was very beautiful, and I am still fascinated by her beauty. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen...

In spite of the beauty, she looked lonely.

In spite of her beauty...

I mean to say she was like an angel in that horrible place.

Take out the "I mean to say."

I was walking around the location where she worked quite often, pretending that I came
there by chance.

I walked around the location... also you can take out the 'there' so it says... "pretending that I came by chance."

I was afraid of starting conversation with her.

starting a conversation

As you can see my English is far from perfect,

I think you underestimate yourself.

that was the reason, and the other one was that I am shy.I swore myself a lot of times for cowardness.

Better is... "That was why, and also because I am shy. I cursed myself often for cowardice."

Once, in the middle of September I saw her for the last time. It was early morning. the weather was nice and lovely. White clouds were chasing each other in the deep blue sky, and the sun shone brightly.She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on a step of the stair.

Remove the 'Once' take out 'nice and lovely' and replace it with something like "beautiful"
I absolutely ADORE where you say, "White clouds were chasing each other in the deep blue sky" but try making it, "White clouds chased each other in the deep blue sky."
Also make the last sentence... "She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on the steps.

by the fence

make it, by a fence.

That time I was determined to go and talk with her because I knew that it was my last chance to do it.

Make it..."I was determined to go talk with her because I knew that it would be my last chance."

By the time I was done with it, she had been gone. And I've never seen her since then.

Make it... "She had gone, and I haven't seen her since."

Very well done! May I ask, what exactly is this for?

Ustas, you say your English is far from perfect? I think you are just being modest. You write great! Though I am not a native speaker, I am fluent in English. When people write things, and miss the article "a" or "the" I never notice it. Strange I think.

What is the difference between "cowardness" and "cowardice"?

Ustas, a correction I have.
Can you read through this text and check mistakes for me.
i don't mean misspeling. I want it sounded as if it was written by a native speaker.
I think it would be better if it was like this: Can you read through this text and check for any mistakes?
I don't mean to misspell. I want it to sound as if it were written by a native speaker. (or is "as if it was written"?)

Вот и всё. Пока!

Excellent work both of you, but let me try my hand. I didn't write it quite like a native speaker would, because I'd have to change around things to make it sound better. So I just sticked to what you wrote and corrected the few errors you made.

When I was in the US, there was a girl I admired and fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. She was so beautiful; I was fascinated with her beauty. Actually, I still am. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, at least in Ogden. In spite of her beauty, she looked lonely. It was strange to me. But the really amazing thing was that she was working at Home Depot. I have no idea why she was doing that. I mean to say she was like an angel in that horrible place. I walked around the place where she worked quite often, pretending that I had come there by chance. I was afraid of starting a conversation with her. As you can see, my English is far from perfect. That was one of the reasons, and the other one is that I'm shy. I cursed myself often for my cowardice. But I couldn't do anything about it. Once, in the middle of September, I saw her for the last time. It was early morning, and the weather was nice and lovely. White clouds chased each other in the deep blue sky, and the sun shone brightly. She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on the steps. She looked sleepy and bored. I was sitting on a bench not far away, separated from her by the fence. This time I was determined to go and talk to her because I knew it was my last chance. But I decided to smoke a cigarette first. I took a pack out of my pocket and started smoking. By the time I was done, she was gone. And I haven't seen her again since then.

Try... "While I was in the US, I admired a girl, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. "

Errr...don't know if I like it.

She was very beautiful, and I am still fascinated by her beauty. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen

Oh, but this makes it sound boring. And his version was correct - she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, at least in (place). It could be that he went back to Rostov and saw a more beautiful girl, which is probably why he wrote it that way

Take out the "I mean to say."

Naw, it's alright.

make it, by a fence.

I was thinking this too, but for some reason, I think "the fence" sounds better here. English-speakers, what can you say? Perhaps it makes it seem like the fence is something he's already used to seeing. Otherwise, "a fence." But still...

May I ask, what exactly is this for?

He probably wrote it for the same reason that Knave's writing something involving translations of "to clean with a featherduster" and "to iron underwear."

@Evegeniya:
Cowardness is not a word.

@Evgeniya and Smartdude: Claiming that you don't speak a language well and then speaking it well always works wonders with people. Not only does it make them more forgiving to any mistakes you may make, it makes you seem humble. You should try it sometime. That is, if you are able to speak any language other than your own decently.

In english I spell my name Evgenia. (Or "Eugenia") I thought smartdude was a native English speaker? I can speak English well. I speak without any accent but I do make mistakes, who doesn't?

You are both native English speakers, as far as I know. I meant if you are ever speaking any language other than your own, say, Russian, it wouldn't hurt to say "Oh, I speak terrible Russian," and then proceed to speak some rather good Russian. I believe one of VM's early posts says "despite my butchering of English" or something similar.

II am a native speaker of english. I am very bad at Russian. I have studied it in school for about two years. I know grammar well, however my vocabulary is absolutely small.

Pravit - I'll agree mine might not be perfect, and there are subtleties between our versions. The fact of the matter is, they both sound native, and that's all that matters .

What do you mean by as far as you know? I don't understand. Russian is my own language and I knew Russian before English. How can I be a native speaker? What do you mean? I may write well in English and spoke it for a while, but I am not a native speaker.

Originally Posted by Smartdude

Pravit - I'll agree mine might not be perfect

That's noble of you. Understated, too.

Try... "While I was in the US, I admired a girl, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. "

The fact that no sane native English speaker beyond about 1957 would consider the verb 'to admire' suitable in this context notwithstanding, Ustas' version is considerably more natural than yours.

She was very beautiful, and I am still fascinated by her beauty. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen...

Please explain to the class why 'very' is better than 'so'. And why, for Christ's sake, did you think that putting the second sentence in the present tense would render it in any way more authentic? What, pray, was wrong with the original? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were correcting for the sake of correcting.

I walked around the location... also you can take out the 'there' so it says... "pretending that I came by chance."

You leave 'location' untouched ('area', anyone?) and then give the poor guy a tap on the wrists for an entirely reasonable 'there'. Are you sure you're a native English speaker?

Better is... "That was why

Ahem. You like your question-words dangling ethereal, do you?

make it, by a fence.

Ignore him, Ustas. It's a narrative; definite article is fine.

Make it..."I was determined to go talk with her

This is not, in the strictest sense of the word, English. There really should, you know, be laws against dispensing advice you're not qualified to give. Laws.

Cheers. Couldn't be bothered, but it had to be done
(that last abomination is colloquial AmE, isn't it, though).

Originally Posted by BlackMage

II am a native speaker of english. I am very bad at Russian. I have studied it in school for about two years. I know grammar well, however my vocabulary is absolutely small.

Hm. Curious. Theory confirmed: BM is full of crap.

Thanks, joysof.

Yeah, Waxwing, the last one is and AmE colloquialism, but not one that any educated writer would use in print (other than, of course, in dialogue). Augh.

Originally Posted by Линдзи

Hm. Curious. Theory confirmed: BM is full of cr@p.

I never learned czech other than the words otec(father) and matka(mother).
I have lived in the United States all my life. I am on speech team. What I speak is accepted as modern english. What I write is also considered modern english. If there is a certain style difference we have, that doesn't mean that I am wrong. It also doesn't mean that you are wrong. If you have a problem with the way I speak and write, perhaps you need to be more accepting of other people's differences.

Originally Posted by BlackMage

Originally Posted by Линдзи

Hm. Curious. Theory confirmed: BM is full of cr@p.

I never learned czech other than the words otec(father) and matka(mother).
I have lived in the United States all my life. I am on speech team. What I speak is accepted as modern english. What I write is also considered modern english. If there is a certain style difference we have, that doesn't mean that I am wrong. It also doesn't mean that you are wrong. If you have a problem with the way I speak and write, perhaps you need to be more accepting of other people's differences.

So during your first four years you only spoke two words, and then you stopped repeating those words because you wanted to focus on learning English?

Originally Posted by Kamion

So during your first four years you only spoke two words, and then you stopped repeating those words because you wanted to focus on learning English?

I already 'knew' english, but I stopped using those words. I just pointed that out to counter lindzi's sarcasm.

I'm a little confused. You're born in America, your parents spoke Czech to you, later they didn't so you forgot it, then you learned English? Is that right? Would Czech be your native language? How did you already know English?

Originally Posted by Евгения Белякова

I'm a little confused. You're born in America, your parents spoke Czech to you, later they didn't so you forgot it, then you learned English? Is that right? Would Czech be your native language? How did you already know English?

The native thing has been discussed here multiple times, so I don

Originally Posted by Евгения Белякова

I'm a little confused. You're born in America, your parents spoke Czech to you, later they didn't so you forgot it, then you learned English? Is that right? Would Czech be your native language? How did you already know English?

I was born in America. My parents spoke English to me. The rest doesn't matter, especially the fact that I knew two words in Czech. Lindzi was just sarcastic to me so I was sarcastic back.

It's 'cause she doesn't like me. I dare say that she dislikes me. However, I don't dare say that she hates me, because I hope that that is not true,

FYI, BM: this is what sarcasm means. You weren't using sarcasm. You were using stupidity.

Pravit: You are both native English speakers, as far as I know.

What do you mean Pravit? I'm not a native speaker.