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Originally Posted by Ustas
While I was in the US, there was a girl who I admired, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all.
Try... "While I was in the US, I admired a girl, who I fell in love with, although she didn't know me at all. "
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She was so beautiful. and I was fascinated by her beauty. Actually I am still fascinated. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, at least in ***.
She was very beautiful, and I am still fascinated by her beauty. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen...
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In spite of the beauty, she looked lonely.
In spite of her beauty...
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I mean to say she was like an angel in that horrible place.
Take out the "I mean to say."
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I was walking around the location where she worked quite often, pretending that I came
there by chance.
I walked around the location... also you can take out the 'there' so it says... "pretending that I came by chance."
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I was afraid of starting conversation with her.
starting a conversation
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As you can see my English is far from perfect,
I think you underestimate yourself. :D
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that was the reason, and the other one was that I am shy.I swore myself a lot of times for cowardness.
Better is... "That was why, and also because I am shy. I cursed myself often for cowardice."
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Once, in the middle of September I saw her for the last time. It was early morning. the weather was nice and lovely. White clouds were chasing each other in the deep blue sky, and the sun shone brightly.She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on a step of the stair.
Remove the 'Once' take out 'nice and lovely' and replace it with something like "beautiful"
I absolutely ADORE where you say, "White clouds were chasing each other in the deep blue sky" but try making it, "White clouds chased each other in the deep blue sky."
Also make the last sentence... "She came out from her dorm, lit a cigarette, and sat down on the steps.
make it, by a fence.
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That time I was determined to go and talk with her because I knew that it was my last chance to do it.
Make it..."I was determined to go talk with her because I knew that it would be my last chance."
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By the time I was done with it, she had been gone. And I've never seen her since then.
Make it... "She had gone, and I haven't seen her since."
Very well done! May I ask, what exactly is this for?