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Occupation: Foole
Part 4 of 5:
"...Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, 'cause words or people are into words. They want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, "Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead."
Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely couldn't say, ever, 'cause I heard a lady say ***** one night on television, and it was cool; like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the ***** is the first one to notice that in the litter, Johnny. Right. And, uh, bastard you can say and hell and damn, so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and...ever and it came down to seven, but the list is open to amendment and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself.
The original seven words were, ****, ****, ****, ****, **********, ************ and ****. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands...and maybe even bring us, God help us, peace without honor. And now the first thing that we noticed was that word **** was really repeated in there because the word ************ is a compound word and it's another form of the word ****. You want to be a purist it doesn't really- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, ********** is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word- the half 'sucker'- that's merely suggestive and the word **** is a halfway dirty word, 50% dirty- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. "And the **** crowed three times." "Hey, the **** crowed three times! It's in the Bible! **** is in the Bible!" And the first time you heard about a cockfight, remember- What? Huh? Naw. It ain't that, are you stupid, man? It's chickens, you know? Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, **** and ****. The word ****, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, "Oh ****! Oh ****, oh ****." If she drops something. "Oh, ****! I dropped the broccoli. ****!" (Carlin is handed a note from offstage) Thank you.
(from audience:Read it!)
Shiiiiit! I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? That's true. Thank you. Thank you, man. Yeah. Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thanks, for that and for the Grammy, man, 'cause that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay, man. Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, ****. Ha!
So! Now the word **** is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, "Get that **** out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that **** anymore. I can't cut that ****, buddy. I've had that **** up to here. I think you're full of **** myself. He don't know **** from Shinola. You know that?" Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that. "Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola!" "Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. How are ya?" "Boy, I don't know whether to **** or wind my watch. Guess, I'll **** on my watch". "Oh, the **** is going to hit de fan." "Built like a brick shithouse." "Oh, he's up ****'s creek. He's had it." Hot ****, holy ****, tough ****, eat ****. ****-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. "He had a ****-eating grin!" "He had a what?" **** on a stick. **** in a handbag. I always liked that. "He ain't worth **** in a handbag." "Shitty. He acted real shitty. You know what I mean? I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude." "Hey, he had a ****-fit!" Wow! ****-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there.
Part 5 of 5: http://youtube.com/watch?v=hAhShnklAts
All the animals- Bullshit, horse ****, cow ****, rat ****, bat ****. First time I heard bat ****, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw, bat ****! Vera reminded me of that last night. Snake ****, slicker than owl ****. Get your **** together. **** or get off the pot. I got a shitload full of them. I got a ****-pot full, all right. ****-head, ****-heel, **** in your heart, **** for brains, ****-face, hey. I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some ****, you know. "Hey, I'm ****-face! ****-face, today!" Anyway, enough of that ****.
The big one, the word fuck; that's the one that hangs them up the most. 'Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, ****, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. ****. Boom. You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound "fuh". Ends with a "kuh". Right? A little something for everyone. Fu-ck. Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. "Who are you?" "I am ****! **** OF THE MOUNTAIN!" Tune in again next week to **** OF THE MOUNTAIN! It's an interesting word too, 'cause it's got a double kind of a life- personality- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word ****. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time- ****! What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to ****, yeh, we're going to ****, yeh, we're going to make love. We're really going to ****, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life...and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's the one that you save toward the end of the argument. Right? You finally can't make out. "Aw, **** you, man! I said, **** you! Stupid ****. **** you and everybody that looks like you, man!"
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word **** for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. "Mad ****** still on the loose!" "Stop me before I **** again." "Fuck the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump." "Easy on the clutch, Bill, you'll **** that engine again." The other **** one was, "I don't give a ****." Like it's worth something, you know? "I don't give a ****." "Hey, well, I don't take no ****, you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no ****? 'Cause I don't give a ****. If I give a ****, I would have to pack ****. But I don't pack no **** cause I don't give a ****." "You wouldn't **** me, would you?" That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ***. "You wouldn't **** me, would you?" It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and ****, those three. Fart, we talked about, it's harmless. It's like ****, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? The subject never comes up on the panel, so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word **** is an interesting word. ****! "Yeh, right in the ****." **** is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and ***** all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, "We're going to snatch that ***** and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane!" Everybody loves it. The **** stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, *** is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day.You can't say, "Up your ***!" You can say stuff it. There are certain things you can say; its weird, but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also.
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Toledo Window Box - 1974
Part 1 of 5:
"How do you feel? Ok? (guy shouts)
Make him a row captain right away.
You elected row captains, didn't you?
Well, it's in your interest. Lot of audiences take the easy way; they pick the guy on the end. That's what we did in 1972 and '68. Let's not do it again, man.
My job, essentially, is thinking up goofy ****. Comes right down to that. I mean, you don't have time all week...signing checks, going to the laundry, answering the door, "Herbie, come here". Lot of interruptions (another shout from crowd) Hi! Yes, you are in this. You may say anything you like. You don't have a lotta lines, granted. You have to think of them, but it's often hard for me to understand them, 'cause oddly enough, these places are built for the voices to go that way...and what I hear is, 'wushnuhveer...' I have to turn around.."Get off there, you *******!"
So I think up the goofy **** and come on the weekend and report it to you. For instance, have you ever noticed...on the escalator, that the handrail moves a little bit faster than the thing you're standing on? Have you noticed that all frozen peas are the same size. There are no really large frozen peas. It's like...Have you ever started a path? No one bothers to start one. We don't mind using the ones that are there. "Over here on the path..." D'ja ever take the time- start a path; go ahead. It's a little hard; you have to hold the grass down yourself at first.
If you're a discus thrower and you practice alone...you gotta go get it yourself! All the **** you can talk about - nobody bothers talking about. Who empties the wishing well?
Acupuncture. We know you can go if your complaint is pain, but can you go to the acupuncturist if your complaint is that you have thousands of tiny needle holes all over your body? What would he do?
Anyway, hi and say, how are ya and welcome to the big GC show here. Lots of the big sounds coming up for ya; we're playing the big tunes between now and midnight. Time, temperature checks, news on the half-hour, bulletins when they happen! ...We'll have it all. ..."
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The Hair Piece
"...I'm aware some stare at my hair
In fact, some really despair of my hair
But I don't care
'cause they're not aware
nor are they debonair
In fact, they're just square
They see hair down to there
say BEWARE and go off on a tear
I say "No fair"
A head that's bare is really nowhere
So be like a bear
Be fair with your hair
Show it you care
Wear it to there, or to there,
or to THERE if you dare
My wife bought some hair at a fair
to use as a spare
Did I care? Au contraire!
Spare hair is fair
In fact, hair can be rare
Fred Astaire got no hair
nor does a chair
or a chocolate eclair
And where is the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon frere
Now that I've shared this affair of the hair
I think I'll repair to my lair
and use Nair, do you care?
Here's my beard
Ain't it weird?
Don't be sceered
's just a beard ..."
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Playin' with Your Head - 1986
Part 1 of 6: (Начиная с 7:11 минуты)
" Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya, how do ya do, how ya doin', how's it goin', what's goin' on, what's new, whatdya think, whatdya hear, whatdya say, whatdya feel, what's shakin', what's happenin', que pasa, what's goin down, what it is. Well, we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We've got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite is? "How's you hammer hangin'?" That's a good one, isn't it? Doesn't work to well with women. Unless you're talking to a female carpenter, then it's all right. I've always wanted to say that one to a high church official. "Good evening, Your Holiness, how hangs the hammer?" So far, haven't had that opportunity.
Then there's one way to say hello that I really don't care for, one way I really don't like. You know some people will say to you, "Are they keepin' ya busy?" As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say "Are they keepin' ya busy?", I say, "Well, your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I'll tell ya that." And that seems to hold 'em for about a half hour. Then there's a lot of ways to say goodbye; we've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye, too. We say bye bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang loose, stay in there, ya know what my favorite is? "Don't get run over." Well, some people need practical advice. Some guys'll say to ya, "Hey, have a good one", I say' "Hey, I already have a good one. Now I'm lookin for a longer one." And that seems to hold 'em for about half an hour.
Then ya have all the foreign ways to say goodbye. Some guys when they're leavin' ya, they think they gotta get tricky. And they'll whip an "arrivederci" on ya. Or Au revoir or Auf Weidersehen or Adios. Or the American version of that one, "Adios, muthafucker!" Or Aloha. That's a nice one isn't it, aloha. They say that in Hawaii, of course. It means hello and goodbye. Which just goes to show if you spend to much time in the sun, you don't know whether you're comin' or goin'.
Then have you noticed this, you get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. You ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody, you feel a little stupid. Like if your leavin' a party, and you have to say goodbye to five people, you say "OK, hey take it easy, OK, hey take it easy, OK, hey take it easy..", you feel like a goddamn moron, ya know? So you know what I do? Every month, I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not, every month I start using a different phrase. People notice that. They appreciate that extra effort. They'll say to me, "Pardon me, didn't you used to say, 'OK, hey take it easy'". I say, "Yes I did. but not anymore." Now I say, "Farewell". Farewell, 'til we meet again, peace be with you, may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. That's a strong one isn't it? People will remember you if you talk like that.
Then sometimes you can combine certain ways to say goodbye that don't really seem to go together, like, "Toodle-oo, go with God, and don't take any wooden nickels." Then people don't know what the **** you're talking about! Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. "So long Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life." Well, some people need practical advice.
Part 2 of 6:
"Then sometimes you can combine certain ways to say goodbye that don't really seem to go together, like, "Toodle-oo, go with God, and don't take any wooden nickels." Then people don't know what the **** you're talking about! Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. "So long Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life." Well, some people need practical advice. ..."
Page151
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Icebox Man
" I'm the ice box man at our house. I'm Ice Box Man! I answer the call when there's a need at the ice box. Two very important responsibilities, the first one is: keeping people from standing with the door to the refrigerator open for more than 45 minutes at a time. God, that gets me mad - "YOU WANT TO CLOSE THAT GODDAMN DOOR PLEASE? YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR?! YOU'RE LETTING OUT ALL OF THE COLDNESS I SAVED OVERNIGHT! COME ON, CLOSE THE DOOR!" - you know, some guy smoked eight joints and he's gonna inventory my refrigerator. "Ummmm...Ummm...Uhhh.... "Here, here's fifty dollars- go down to the Burger King. Willya, God! We'll save more than that on electricity alone. Close the goddamn door, willya?"
Look, if you wanna know what's in there, why don't you take a Polaroid picture and go away and look at the picture and then come back and figure out what you want. Years ago, we didn't have Polaroid cameras. We had to make an OIL PAINTING of what was in there!
Aah, I don't let it get me down. 'Cause there's a bigger responsibility. And that is getting into that refrigerator and deciding which things need to be thrown away. Most people will not take that responsibility. Most people will just go and get what they want, leave everything else alone and say, "Well, someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that" Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller and smaller and smaller and is, in fact stuck to the rack. Well, I've got to go in there and decide when to throw things away. "Chocolate pudding? Does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding left. It's only pulled away from the side of the dish about three inches all the way around. And there's a huge fault running through the center of the pudding. Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this point. Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden chocolate pudding skin? I'm only going to throw it away."
Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that if you don't eat it, they're only going to throw it away. Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy? "Here's something to eat, Dave. Hurry up, it's spoiling!" "Something for you, Angela. Eat quickly, that green part is moving!" "Here, Bob. Eat this before I give it to an animal." Y'ever been looking through the refrigerator and you come across an empty plate? Boy, that starts me to wondering. Did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the tuna! Maybe that chicken isn't really dead yet. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, y'know. Just waiting for the lights to go out.
Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator and come out with something that you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a time like that, I'll bluff. "Honey, is this good?" "Well, what is it?" "I don't know. I've never seen anything like it. It looks like...meatcake!" "Well, smell it." (snort, sniff) "It has absolutely no smell whatsoever!" "It's good! Put it back! Somebody is saving it. It'll turn up in something." Thats what frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge and use it just because it's in there.
It's a leftover. What a sad word that is. Leftover. How would you like to be...a leftover? Well, it wouldn't be bad if they were taking people out to be shot. I might even volunteer. But, y'know, leftovers make you feel good twice. D'ja ever think about that? When you first put them away, you feel really intelligent- "I'm saving food!" And then, after a month, when hair is growing out of them and you throw them away you feel...really intelligent- "I'm saving my life!"
When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down and get 'the good bread'? It's kind of a self preservation thing, y'know? What you're really saying is, "Let my family eat the rotten bread! I'll take care of Numero Uno!" And down you go into the loaf. Down, looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And you have to be careful pulling them out so they don't tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten them out. I think, screw it, let 'em think a burglar made a sandwich. Not my job, straightening out the bread.
Gotta tell me. In the refrigerator, who is it, please that puts into the refrigerator the half-gallon containers of milk with only that much left in them? I get one of those every time. Hey, here's some milk- fooom! ...God, not enough to drink. Better put that back, huh? I know my responsibilities. "
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Interview with Jesus
" I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus?
JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back.
I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back?
JC: Mostly nostalgia.
I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here?
JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas.
I: Yes.
JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm not complainin'. It's only material.
I: Were you really born in a stable?
JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started.
I: And is it true that there was no room at the inn?
JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations.
I: There's a story that there were three wise men.
JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me.
I: Didn't they bring gifts?
JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you?
I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin.
JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself.
I: What would that be?
JC: Oh, I don't know...a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. A bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories.
I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
JC: A total of 107 miracles...not countin' the loaves and the fishes.
I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes?
JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle.
I: It wasn't?!
JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.
I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?!
JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure.
I: So, not all of the New Testament is true.
JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta drugs. See, Luke was a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that.
I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead.
JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine.
I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine?
JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days.
I: But did you really ever turn water into wine?
JC: Not that I know of. Uh, one time, I did turn apple juice into milk, but I really don't remember the water and wine thing.
I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle- walking on the water. I mean, did that really happen?
JC: Oh, yeah, that was one that really happened. Y'see, the problem was, I could do it; the other guys couldn't do it. They were jealous. Peter got mad at me, so he got these shoes made. Special big shoes that if ya start out walkin' real fast, you can float on the water for awhile. Then of course, after a few yards, la la la looms, he goes right down into the water; he sinks like a rock. That's why I call him Peter. "Thou art Peter and upon this rock, I shall build my Church."
I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. Uh, what can you tell us about the Apostles?
JC: Well, they were a good bunch of guys, you know. They smelled a little like bait, but oh, they was a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of 'em we had.
I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
JC: Well that was according to St. Luke and I told ya about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen apostles. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James...that's a different James, Thaddeus...lessee, how many is that?
I: That's ten.
JC: Okay, uh, Simon, Judas and Red.
I: Red?
JC: Uh-huh. We call him 'Red the Apostle.'
I: Red the Apostle?
JC: Uh-hmm.
I: He doesn't appear in the Bible.
JC: Nahh. He kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the miracles. He was a little strange. He thought the Red Sea was named after him.
I: What about Judas.
JC: Hey. Don't get me started on Judas...
I: Kay.. Well, what about the other apostles. Uh, say for instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter?
JC: This guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin', you know? He was always askin' me for my ID. Soon as I see him- "Got any ID?" To this day, he doesn't believe I'm God.
I: Are you God?
JC: Well, partly. You know that. I'm a member of the Trinity.
I: Yes, in fact you've written a book about the Trinity, haven't you.
JC: That's right. It's called, "Three's a Crowd."
I: "Three's a Crowd."
JC: Um-hmm.
I: As I understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
JC: Listen, it's not an attack. You wanna know what it is? I don't get along with the Holy Ghost, all right? So I leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business.
I: Well, why? What's the reason?
JC: Well, first of all, ya never know who he's gonna be. Every day he shows up, he's somethin' different. One day he comes in the meetin', he's a dove, then he's a tongue of fire, always foolin' around. (annoyed) Listen, I don't bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him. I don't see him. I don't talk to him.
I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?
JC: Oh, yeahhh, there's a Hell, sure. There's also a Heck. It's not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell.
I: What about Purgatory?
JC: No. Don't know nothin' about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Hell, Heck and Limbo.
I: What is Limbo like?
JC: I don't know. No one's allowed in there. If anyone was in there, then it wouldn't be Limbo. Then it would be a place.
I: Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus, what can you tell us about The Last Supper?
JC: Well, first of all, if I had known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never wanna be crucified on a empty stomach.
I: The Crucifixion must have been terrible.
JC: It was awful; I gotta tellya. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was..and tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. I think, more than anything, it was embarrassing. Y'know right in front of everybody to be crucified. But I dont know, I guess it redeemed a lotta people.
I: Were you scared?
JC: Yeah. Near the end, I thought it was gonna rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightnin'. But...all in all, I would say that when I was here, I had a good time.
I: What do you think about Christianity?
JC: Well, I'm a little embarrassed by it. Uh, if I had to do it over again, I think I would start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Now Buddha was smart. That's why he's laughin'.
I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian?
JC: No. I would never want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! Buddha's laughin'. I'm on the cross!
I: I have a few more questions; do you mind?
JC: Hey, be my guest. How often do I get here?
I: Are there really angels?
JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of 'em. Today, ya can't get the young people to join. Y'know, it got too dangerous with radar and heat seeking missiles.
I: What about guardian angels?
JC: Well, we still have guardian angels, but now it's one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody had his own angel.
I: Do you really answer prayers?
JC: No. First of all, most of 'em don't even get through. I mean, ya got sunspots; ya got radio interference. Years ago we answered them all...but years ago, there were less people...and people prayed for something simple then- to light a fire, to catch a yak; somethin' like that. But today, ya got people prayin' for hockey teams, people prayin' for longer fingernails. We just can't keep up with it.
I: Well, I think we're just about outta time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
JC: Hey, no sweat.
I: Do you have any last thoughts or words of advice?
JC: What- You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment; somethin' like that?
I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
JC; Well, I don't know how spiritual it is, but I'd say one thing is don't give your money to the church. They should be givin' their money to you.
I: Well, thank you Jesus..and good night.
JC: Well, good night. Thanks for havin' me on here today. By the way, big bands are definitely not comin' back. "
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Join the Book Club!
"Join the Book Club! As an introductory offer, we'll send you the following books absolutely free: Eat, Run, Stay Fit And Die Anyway, How To Seem Intelligent, There's Big Money In Staying Put, Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For 16 Hours a Day, Your Thighs Control Your Life, How To Fillet A Panda, Rid Yourself Of Doubt...Or Should You?, Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of ****, How To Give Yourself A Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed, 64 Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope, Why Jews Point, 100 Dead People Nobody Misses, Backpacking For Shut-Ins, My Dog Is A Real Fruit, Your Shoes Are Worth Money, Reorganizing Your Pockets, What To Wear On The Toilet, 124 Simple Exercises For The Teeth, The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future, Tips On Getting Laid, Self-Mutilation As An Attention Getter, 600 Ways To Give People The Shaft, Tremble Your Way To Fitness, You Give Me Six Weeks And I'll Give You Some Disease.
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Poems for the Insane, A Treasury of Poorly Understood Ideas, Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers, A Complete List of All The Things That Are Still Pending
And these books on food are yours: The Intravenous Cookbook, The Meaning Of Corn, Fill Your Life With Croutons, The Food Coloring Diet, Cooking For The Paralyzed, Cooking With Heat
And, if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened, Things No One Can Help, Understanding People You'll Never Meet, 6 Ways To **** Up Before Breakfast, Marriage For One, I Suck-You Suck, Let's Change The Alphabet, Famous Bullshit Stories, Sport Fishing With Power Saws, Why Hawaii And Norway Are Not Near Each Other
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: A List Of People Who Mean Well, Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin, 10 Things We Don't Know Yet, Caring For The Seated, The Wrong Underwear Can Kill, Trotting Across Zaire, Why It Doesn't Snow Any More, A Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Effects, Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To, I Gave Up Hope And Died And It Worked!, Famous People Who Were Wiry, The Lives Of Six Extremely Short Saints, Anna May Wong's **** Are Made Of Aluminum
And if you join today, we'll send the following instruction books absolutely free: How To Do Everything At Once, How To Give People Your Best Regards, How To Spoil Other People's Fun, How To Kill A Rat With An Oboe, How To Organize A Tupperware Gang Bang, How To Wave Goodbye Without Moving Your Arms, How To Spot Truly Vicious People In Church, How To Get Back From Boston, How To Lease Out The Space Inside Your Nose, How To Get A Tan With A Flashlight, How To Start A Range War, How To Spot A Creep From A Distance, How To Give A King A Really Hard Time, How To Kill Your Nephew, How To Become A Greaseball and How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income.
So call now. Right now! Join the Book Club today!"
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The Metric System
(Начиная с 1:02) "... Dig this. The metric system...is coming into the USA and use in the USA soon and that means you and your old lady will go down and cop a kilo of hamburger! Can you imagine cleanin' up a key of hamburger? Roll one, smoke one, eat one; roll one, smoke one, eat one. You could always get a lid of baloney if you didn't have much bread. Nickel bag of giblets. "Don't get the meatloaf, man, somebody snipped on it. The meatloaf is cut with veal and pork, man." Gram o' ham.."Hey, wanna do a coupla lines o' ham?" "Yeah, all right. Gotta get this gristle outta here, man."
In New York City, a consumer group measured all the hot dogs and what they had in 'em...and there are allowable levels of what's called "filth". By the...Yes...Food and Drug Administration has "filth limits" and it's all part of our ever increasingly interesting values system but the filth thing is very small and they're measured in "bug parts, roach droppings, rodent hairs", okay? So they study all these hot dogs; sixteen brands in New York and they get your - "fifty percent water, ninety-nine percent fat" and a lot of large things and then some stuff that looks like meat that a guy threw in when he was thinking of meat...or looking at a picture of some meat...and then, ya got yer filth, what ya call yer filth and every one of the sixteen brands had some traces of...rodent hairs, roach droppings...bug parts. Which, I think this means that someday, we will advertise hot dogs like cigarettes. "Low tar, low nicotine" "Yes, we have less roach droppings than the other leading brands!" ..."
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The Hair Piece/Sharing A Swallow
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Language!
Things you never see or hear
You'd never see a guy jogging down the street listening to a Shitman. No, that's one of those things you never see. There's a lot of things you never see and you don't know you don't see 'em because you don't see 'em. You gotta see something first to know you never saw it. Then you see it and say, "Hey, I never saw that." Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says "Shit happens." You never a really big, tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with a roll-bar. You never see someone taking a **** while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a *****.
Then there are some things you never hear. That makes sense, some things you never hear. You never hear this: "Dad, you really ought to drink more." Here's something you don't hear too often. "Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone!" Here is something no one has ever heard ever. Ever. "As soon as I put this hot poker in my ***, I'm going to chop my dick off." You know why you never that? Right! No one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing. No one ever thought to say that before tonight. I'm the first person in the world put those words together in that particular order. First guy. Number one. Here's something you don't hear too often. "Honey, let's sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally." "Mom, mom I got a big date tonight. Can I borrow a French tickler from you?"
Then there are some things you don't want to hear. Some things you just flat don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, "Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?" You don't want to be sitting in your doctor's office and hear this- "Well Jim, there's no reason why you shouldn't live another twenty to thirty years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes." Here's something I don't want to hear. "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!" "Calm down; have some dip." "Honey, it's the police. They have a search warrant...and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room."
Here's something nobody wants to hear. Nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fianc
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On driving
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
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"Visors & Singers With One name"
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FM and AM
Part 1:
"I got fired last year in Las Vegas from the Frontier Hotel for saying 'shit' in a town where the big game is called 'crap'. That's some kind of a double standard, y'know? I'm sure there was some Texan standing out in the casino yelling, "Aw, ****! I crapped!" And they fly those guys in free, y'know? Fired me... ****. You can get in as much trouble saying **** as you can smokin' it down there.
Shit's a nice word. It's a friendly, happy, y'know, kind of word. Handy word. Middle class has never really been into ****, y'know, as a word. No, not really comfortable. Not completely into it. Y'know, not really relaxed with it. You'll hear it around the kitchen if someone drops a casserole, y'know, "Oh, ****! Oh! Oh, look at the noodles! Oh, ****! Don't say that, Johnny, just hear it. Oh, ****!" Sometimes they say 'shoot'. They can't kid me, man. 'Shoot' is 'shit' with two 'o's.
No one ever uses the word **** really literally, y'know? It's always figurative speech. "Hey, get that **** outta here, willya? Just move that **** away. I don't wanna hear that ****. I don't have to take that ****. I'm not full of... You're full of ****! Whaddya think I am, a shithead, or something? I don't need that ****." It's always figurative. You never hear anyone say, "Look at the ****, Martha! Wow! Little piles of **** in the street. Wow." They don't say that. They have other words for that. Doo-doo, ca-ca, poo-poo and good old number two. Could never figure that one out, man. How did they arrive at that? Out of all the numbers, two gotta mean ****. Why didn't they pick thirteen, y'know? They didn't like that one, anyway. That'd be easy to remember, "Thirteen means **** and bad luck. Right, I got it."
My dog does number five. That's three ones and a two. Your dog does that, right? Dogs do a lot of number ones, man. They really do and they hold that and they spread it out all over town if they can, 'cause they know if they do one all at once, you take 'em right up to the house again, man. They save one-(sssss) little here, (sssss) little there, (sssss) yeah, y'know. They can do twenty, twenty five number ones sometimes. I told my little girl, y'know that our dog did number five, I said, 'Hey, Bogey did number five, three ones and a two! ha ha ha" She thought that was great. She kept runnin' back for an hour, man, telling me different combinations, right? "Hey, he did twenty one- ten twos and a one! ha ha ha" Kids're like that. They love a joke. They really run with it forever. Just 4000 variations on a theme.
Hey, another aspect of the word shit; to the drug community,
a nice term. Sounds... What is Time Magazine calling it this week? Drug-culture? Mini-culture? Micro-culture? They have a million hyphens over there at Time Incorporated. Throw them around. Uh, yeah. To the doper, **** means something very special. **** means shiiiit! Whatever you smoke, drop, shoot, snort, rub into your belly or whatever, is your ****. Especially grass. Most often referred to as ****. Yeah. "Got ant ****?" "No, I'm outta ****, man" "Why don't you lend me some ****?" "You already owe me some ****." I wonder if one narcotics policeman, I call them 'narcotics policemen' 'cause I don't like the word 'narc'. Sounds too final. Y'know, 'narc' (boom). Sounds like it's over. 'Narcotics policeman' sounds like you might have a chance of talking him out of it, y'know? Good luck. But I wonder if one narc could go all the way through school and not know that **** means shiiiit? He might. Sure be in for a lot of surprises first day on the job, though. Some guy would roll up on him, "Hey! You wanna buy some ****?" "Well, I never thought about it, really. Where did you get the ****" Try to draw him out. Find out the identity of 'Mr. Big', right? "Well, we brought it back from Cambodia in a guitar, man, and we, um, made brownies out of some of it and we gave some away as a wedding present and we're selling the rest, man." "Sounds like some sort< ..."
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Sanctity Of Life (Language!)
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase 'sanctity of life'. You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of ****. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cuz God (points upward) told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 'You believe in God?' 'No.' *Pdoom*. Dead. 'You believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'You believe in my God? 'No.' *Boom*. Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!' Thousands of years. Thousands of years and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other, I'm a happy guy.
But don't be giving me all this **** about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? 'Cuz we're alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this ****, do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. 'Cuz JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are ******* dead. They're ******* dead. And dead people give less than a **** about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self serving, man-made bullshit story.
It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that. 'Cause, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitos and flies. 'Cause they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cause it's fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cause we're hungry. Pheasants and quails. 'Cause it's fun. And we're hungry. And people. We kill people... 'Cause they're pests. And it's fun!
And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole ******* thing up! Made it up! The same way...thank you."
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On Religious Lift
(Начиная с 6:08) "... Religion is like a lift in your shoe. It's important sometimes...and it helps you walk straight for awhile...however long you need it. That's the secret. "How long do I need it?" It's like anything else you think you need...for any length of time. "How long do I need it?" As long as you're pulling your own Coke...(POP! ssss) Nice. As long as you know who's in control or why you're not...okay.
But religion is like abdicating responsibility for your life. Many religions make it easy for you to...just throw it all off. It's God's will. "That's right, God's will. I ran over the kid in the driveway; that's right. Don't look at me...God's will" "Hey, boss. Let's go downtown and get this guy, God!" Can you see a lynch mob in front of the church? That's the fourth guy He's killed this week."
Gooood....is a cool guy! He really couldn't have time for all we lay on Him. I mean, all the stuff that we say. We describe Him, y'know, we walk around and one of the things we say is He knows everything. "God knows everything. He know everything that's goin' on at the same time every little molecule..(very fast mostly unintelligible babble about what God knows)" What a work load this must be! Can you picture God on Monday morning? WHOOOOOOOA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He wouldn't wish that on Himself. He's a cool guy. He's us. That's what we always said...What every religion told us. "Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your God. You're all the same guy." We just don't have uniforms yet.
We do believe we're God and that's cool. We are. I believe that God is probably subject to physical laws. That would explain a lot of things, y'know? It would explain why he can't help a whole lotta stuff. People say, (funny falsetto voice) "How can a God who's benevolent allow this kind of suffering to go on?" (goofy voice) "He can't help it, lady! Ha, ha, ha! He's subject to physical laws! Ha, ha, ha!" Why did God always have to send a messenger? Why the hell didn't He show up Himself? I mean, really now. "God sent a messenger; God sent an angel" and they came somewhere to somewhere. This implies the traversing of physical space. This implies physical laws. Why did God have to go from someplace to another? ...'Cause He's only slightly superior.
Everything God makes........dies. "You sure?... So far, everything?" "Right! Every tree so far! Every little hog! Well, there's a lotta things still alive, but it's just like it was before; they're gonna die. We just can't prove it." Whew! That keeps us alive, doesn't it? "It's not all dead yet!" God! Everything He makes dies! Where did He get such a great reputation? This batting average of His is zero zero zero! I mean, a cool guy is a cool guy, but don't put me on.
Like I say, religion is a lift in your shoe, man. If you need it, cool. Just don't let me wear your shoes if I don't want 'em and we don't have to go down and nail lifts onto the native's feet! Huh huh! (applause) That was always a wonderful thing. "
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"The phrases we use"
"This next thing, this next thing is about the English language. It’s about little expressions we use, we all say them, the little sayings and expressions that we use all the time, most of us, and we never seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all. We just sort of say these things as if they really made sense.
Like legally drunk. Well, if it’s legal, what’s the fucking problem? “Leave my friend alone, officer, he’s legally drunk.”
You know where you can stick it. Why do we always assume every one knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know? Suppose you’re a new guy? You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled “Where to stick it.” Now that I think of it, I believe there is a government booklet like that. They send it to you on April 15th.
Undisputed heavy-weight champion. Well, if it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting about?
It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch. You know that one, uh? Everytime you see a story about a serial killer on TV, what do they do, they bring on the neighbour and the neighbour says “Well, he was always very quiet.” Someone in the room says, “It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch.” This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while you are watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you. Suppose you’re in a bar and one guy is sitting over on the side reading a book, not bothering anybody, and another guy is standing in the front with a machete, banging on the bar saying “I’ll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.” Who you gonna watch? You’re goddamn right.
Lock him up and throw away the key. This is really stupid. Where are you going to throw the key? Right in front of the jail? His friends will find it. How far can you throw a key? Fifty, sixty feet, at most. Even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it, what do you get? An extra ten feet, tops. This is a stupid idea, needs to be completely rethought.
Down the tubes. You hear that one a lot. People say, “Ah, the country is going down the tubes.” What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there is more than one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one tube. What? Does every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now. Somebody would have said, “Hey, Joey, Joey, look at the fucking tube. Big ass fucking tube over here.” You never hear that. You know why? No tubes. We don’t have tube one. We are essentially tubeless.
Takes the cake. You know, say, “Boy, he really takes the cake”. Where? Where do you take a cake? To the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes. And how come he takes the cake? How come he don’t take the pie? A pie is easier to carry than a cake. Easy as pie. Oh, wait. Cake is not too hard to carry, either. A piece of cake.
The greatest thing since sliced bread. So, this is it, uh folks? A couple of hundred thousand years. The fucking pyramids, for Christ’s sakes. The Panama Canal. The Great Wall of China. Even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread. What’s so great about sliced bread? You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread. Slice the fucking thing. And get on with you life.
Out walking the streets. You know, a guy gets parole, you say “Now, instead of being in prison, this guy is out walking the streets.” How do we know? Maybe the guy is home banging the babysitter. Not everybody who gets a parole is not out walking the fucking streets. A lot of times they steal a car, you know. We ought to be glad. Thank God he stole a car. At least he is not out walking the streets.
Fine and dandy. That’s an old-fashioned one. ------- You say to a guy, “How are ya?” He says “Fine and dandy.” Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine, but not dandy. Close to dandy. Approaching dandy. In the vicinity of dandihood. Not quite fully dandy. Other times I am indeed highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, one time, in 1965, August, for about an hour, I was both fine and dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. I could have told them. I could have told them. I could have told them. I could have said to the person, “Fine and dandy.” I consider it a lost opportunity.
Walking papers. You know, a guy gets fired. You say, “Geez, poor guy. Well, they give him his walking papers today.” Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously. Believe me, in my life, I’ve got fired a lot of times. Never got any walking papers. Never got a pink slip, either. You know what I would get? A guy would come around to my desk and say “Get the fuck out of here.” You don’t need paper for that.
It’s like the riot act. The riot act. They keep telling you they’re going to read that to you. Have you heard this thing at all? Especially when you’re a kid, they threaten you. “You wait till your father comes home. He’s gonna read you the riot act.” “Tell him I already read it myself. And I didn’t like, either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. If he wants to read me something, how about the Gentleman’s Guide to the Golden Age of Jobs?”
More than happy. I’ll bet you say that sometimes, don’t you, once in a while? You say to somebody, “Oh, I’d be more than happy to do that.” How can you be more than happy? To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition. “We had to put Dave in the mental home. He was more than happy.”
One more of these. In your own words. People say that to you. You know where you hear that a lot? In a classroom or in a courtroom. They’ll say to you, “Tell us, in your own words.” Do you have your own words? Hey, I’m using the ones everyone else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say “nik flud barni quando flue.”
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