On boys' names:
Printable View
On boys' names:
One more tribute: http://youtube.com/watch?v=z6qqkuUASuA
On child worship:
"A type of bullshit I hate more than religion (and I will get to that later) is called child worship. These obsessive diaper sniffing pro parents who have a accessive devotion to children. When you think of parents and you think of bullshit you'll realize those are two things that are hardly ever mutually exclusive. These people are over managing and over scheduling their kids and robbing them of their innocence and youth. Even the simple act of playing has been taken from them. It's taken away and made to fit mommy or daddy's schedule in the form of play dates. Something that should be spontaneous and free, and not rigidly planned. I mean when can a kid just sit in his front yard with a fuckin stick? Just sit there in the dirt with a fuckin stick. Do parents let todays kids know what a stick is? I asked my dad to play with me and he'd give me a fuckin stick to play with. I'd look at the stick, then look at the dirt, then I'd dig a fuckin hole. Kids don't get to have sticks anymore. I don't think theres any sticks left for them. Maybe the parents had them reaclled due to led paint. I was 4 when I had my stick, but 4 year olds shouldnt be wasting their time with sticks they should be at home studying for their kindegarden entrance exams. Anyone else heard of this shit? they have them now. It's fuckin ridiculous. I mean this poor little shit he just now learning how to locate his dick and now he's already being pressured to succeed at 4 years old. Isn't this a sophisticated form of child abuse? That's all it really is. Speaking of child abuse. After kindegarden his next stop is grade school. There he won't be able to play tag because his parents feel it encourages victimization. He won't able to play dodgeball either because the parentals feel it's exclusionary and it promotes aggression. They feel standing around is still okay. But it won't be for long because after a while the boy's foot will fall asleep and the parents will sue the school and it's bye bye to fucking standing around. Don't think all hope is lost. All hope isn't lost yet. When he does get to play, whatever he is allowed to play the child will never lose. The parents and the boy knows he will never lose because in todays america no child loses. There aren't any losers anymore. Everyones a winner. No matter what game they play everyone wins. Everyone wins, everyone gets a trophy, no ones a loser. Children today don't get to hear those all important character building words I heard from my father. He would look at me and say "You lost, Nick! You lost it for the team! Your a loser, son!" They miss out on that now. They tell the kid who lost now "You were the last winner". These kids wont get to hear the truth about themselves until there in their 20's. When the boss calls them into his office and says "Nick, clean your shit up and get the fuck out! Your a loser!". Now the parents of kids today will be lost when they try to figure out why their kid can't hold a job. In school he was always on honor roll. What they don't get is that in todays schools everyones on the honor roll. There on the honor roll because in order to be on it all you have to do is maintain a body temperature in the 90's. God help these kids if they lose and ounce of self esteem. The kid my shoot up his fuckin elementary school with a fuckin b.b. gun. They think it's appauling for a kid to think down about themeselves. Well, all there doing is setting the kid up for failure. If you tell the kid he won't fail then what happens when he gets out in the world and fails and doesn't know how to handle it? He might kill himself. Oh but thats okay because he's not a kid anymore he's just another statistic. he won't matter to those conservative assholes then. But lets not worry about the kid's school progress because come summer time he's off to camp. But he won't be swimming or hiking or playing baseball, no. Today's kids are sent away to lose weight. They're sent to fat camp or violin camp or ceramics camp or computer camp or leadership camp. Whatever the fuck that is. Isn't that where hitler's mom sent him? Specialized structured camps. They gotta keep that little fucker busy dont they? The parents wouldnt want him to sneak off any free unstructured time to wonder in the woods. That wouldnt be good. God knows the kid might start jacking off. All this bullshit that kids have been crippled by comes out of the self esteem movement. It began in or around 1970 and I'm happy to say it was a complete failure. I'm glad because studies have shown that having high self esteem doesnt improve grades, career acheivment, it doesnt even lower alcohol use, and certainly doesnt decrease incidents of violence that occur. Because oddly enough extremely violent & aggressive people think very highly of themselves! Imagin that shit. Sociopaths have high self esteem. Who have fuckin thought of that? I love to see these politically correct ideas crash and burn. Like playing mozart during pregancy to make the child smarter. This is just plain old fuckin stupid. Well, it didn't work. All it did was sell a lot of cd's and piss off a lot of fetuses. This movement revolved around one idea, one notion, that every child is special. If you've ever heard this notcie they say over and over, like they're trying to convince themselves. I hard a woman talk about this once and in my head I was saying "fuuuuucckk you!". Every child is clearly not special. have you seen one of these kids? There fucking goofy looking. There way to small, their head's dont fit their bodies, they can't walk a straight line, when they talk it sounds like they have a mouth full of shit. They're incomplete. It's unfinished work. I don't give credit for incomplete work. P.T. Barnhum and his circus act might think they're special but not me. But I'm gonna follow this theory and see where it ends up. If every child's special then is every adult special? If not then at what age to you go from special to not special? Then if we're all special that means the whole idea loses its fucking meaning! Here's another platitude they throw at you "Children are our future". I can counter this with flawless logic. By the time the future gets here they won't be kids anymore so you can fucking blow me! They try to make raising a kid seem like the hardest shit in the world. It's not. All you have to do is follow the 3 steps. Step 1: Put your kid out on a street corner. Step 2: Come back a week later. Step 3: If the kids still there you got yourself a stupid fuckin kid. Just proceed from that point. So go ahead and send your child to school (which is nothing more than an indoctrination center where kids are sent to be stripped of their individuality and turned into the obedient soul dead conformist memeber of this american consumer culture) and watch how he fuckin turns out. Just so you be one of those empty parents who has to validate themselves through their childs acheivements. You'll have those bumper stickers that say "We are the proud parent of an honor student". It doesnt matter where to send them because they are ultimately doomed. It's all bullshit and it's bad for ya."
Carlin on Carlin: http://youtube.com/watch?v=rn6roeUfMio
"The Archive of American Television conducted the last in-depth interview with the great comedian George Carlin on December 17, 2007, for nearly four hours in Venice, CA. In this excerpt, Carlin talks about the change in his act from a 'mainstream' television comic to the 'counterculture dean', with the dramatic changes in his standup persona occurring before millions on television. ..."
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Part 1/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFOC72DRPWY 29:25
Part 2 & 3/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HreYDSgW ... jqVycMWR4A 59:44 (Private)
Part 4/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqhOzbDG ... jqVycMWR4A 25:34
Part 5/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XUZVusI ... jqVycMWR4A 29:48
Part 6/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_tI55SW ... jqVycMWR4A 29:35
Part 7/7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Vlv7nt ... jqVycMWR4A 7:52
On time:
"..."I've been standing in this line FOREVER!" He looks fairly fresh to me. ..."
"Words are everything"
I always liked Baseball/Football
George Carlin talks about cats
A cat does not accept blame for anything. A cat will not show embarrassment. If a cat does something stupid, you know, like running across the carpet and hitting a glass door that didn't know it was closed, it will go like this, it will go: "I meant that. I meant that. I meant that. That is exactly what I wanted to do."
CNN LARRY KING LIVE
George Carlin Discusses 'Silly Putty and Napalm'
Aired June 8, 2001 - 21:00 ET
GEORGE CARLIN, COMEDIAN: Takes the cake! You know, say, boy, he really takes the cake. Where? Where do take a cake? To the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes.
LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight, he's a comedy legend who says just when he discovered the meaning of life, they changed it!
George Carlin for the hour! We'll take your calls. Get ready, next on LARRY KING LIVE.
We go back forty years, George Carlin and I, when he used to appear on my radio show and television shows in Miami. The famed comedian writer and actor has the No. 1 book in America, "Silly Putty and Napalm." No. 1 on the "New York -- now No. 2?
CARLIN: "Napalm and Silly Putty."
KING: Oh, the other way around -- I'm sorry.
BLAKE: You've always been correcting me.
CARLIN: I'm a corrector.
KING: They put it down wrong. "Napalm and Silly Putty." Your other book, "Brain Droppings:" 40 weeks on the list.
CARLIN: Forty weeks on the list.
KING: Are you first a writer now?
CARLIN: I'm -- no, I perform, of course.
KING: Are you a writer who performs?
CARLIN: Well now I see myself as a writer who performs his own material, rather than a comedian who writes for himself. And it came as a result of doing the first book and now this one. There's just such a joy in it, to move the words around and, you know, I used to write just for ear, for people to hear and to see on stage. And now you write for the eye and you write something that people can look at again, and over and over and it's going to be there 20 years from now to look at so, you take care with it. My family gave me a real love of language, so I have learned in the later part of my life here -- so far later, I mean it's the middle for me -- that I can write and I love it and I got a little better the last five years, just by doing it.
KING: I want to talk about the book and about lots of things. But first, your impressions of this administration. We are getting a lot of impressions from some of our great comedic minds.
CARLIN: Great comedic minds -- you got one in the White House already, a great comedic mind. George Bush is an imbecile. I mean to me...
KING: He's a what?
CARLIN: An imbecile. It's kind of interesting to me that his mother, her big -- you know the first lady always has to have a charity. Well, what are you going to do? I'll have poor people -- OK, what about you? -- I'll have -- the drapes look bad -- whatever it was.
Apparently this did not apply to her own family, you know. And the interesting thing is, I've got a friend, Herb O'brien, he's a smart guy. Herb calls him Governor Bush because he says that is only office he was ever elected to. That's nice, isn't it? And don't forget, he is Bush second in line. Something happens to Cheney -- bing -- this guy's the president.
That came from Tony Hendren. I take a lot of good lines...
KING: You steal, George?
CARLIN: I don't do political humor. So I do love a line that says everything in a couple words.
KING: How would you describe what you do?
CARLIN: I have three things I draw from -- always have. The English language, like the "takes the cake" thing. I love inspecting and taking apart language, things we say, trendy talk sometimes, old sayings, whatever. And then, the little world, the kind of world Jerry Seinfeld investigated to a great high level. What's in the ice box, how you drive, pets, the things in your life, things we all know.
And then what I call the big issues, but not topical. Not political in the small sense. Genocide, is good, love, you know, hatred, people dying, people getting killed, race
KING: War.
CARLIN: War.
KING: Sports? CARLIN: Anything that is stuff that will never be solved.
KING: Why not political?
CARLIN: Because I don't like topical. I don't mind political if I have something to say, but it's usually topical. Most political humor -- if you are talking about partisan politics, the two parties, that kind of politics, then I don't do it. But the stuff that I do is kind of political anyway, because it's about things that people argue about all the time and about social issues. But I don't like topical humor because you got to throw it away after a couple weeks.
KING: You never hold back. You're critical of religion.
CARLIN: Yes, I don't believe in God, and I think that it is a big scam. You can believe in God, and nobody thinks you're nuts. And there is no evidence for him at all. If you believe in UFO's, no evidence for that either, they think you are nuts. And it is the same kind of -- it's just a belief, it's a superstition.
You say, OK, well there will be an invisible guy, and he will help me when I need it. Fine. I think there is little guys in things flying around, but they say well you can't have that. If you are professor you can't that say.
KING: You grew up strict catholic though, didn't you?
CARLIN: I grew up Catholic with a twist you know, it was a very progressive school. It wasn't like the old.
KING: Oh, really?
CARLIN: No home -- we had a little homework, not much. No report cards of any kind, no quizzes, none of that stuff. This was a progressive school across from Teachers College in Columbia University. And our pastor insisted having no corporal punishment, no one was ever hit in those 8 grades. The kids wore their own clothing -- no uniforms -- and the boys and girls were together in class, and everything was open to discussion. It was called Corpus Christi School. Still does a great job turning out kids who think for themselves and have a little shot you know at having their religion, but still being free people.
KING: Now, let's go back, because we are going cover a lot of bases. When I first met George Carlin and watched you work, you were a straight comic -- suit and tie.
CARLIN: So was the whole world, so was the whole world.
KING: You came out an you did the 20 minutes, the 30 minutes. You used to do disc jockey stuff -- Wonderful Wino. Give me that. Here's what George Carlin used to do.
CARLIN: hey with the big sounds and the big charts and the big tunes guys here, we're here with -- (DISTORTED NOISES) -- (singing): Wonderful Wino. That was a media take off, obviously a D.J. I used to do five, six-minute hunks that were media takeoffs. I did the news, sports, and weather. That is where All Sleet, the Hippy Dippy Weatherman came from -- hey, baby, what's happening -- You know I was a pothead long before it was cool.
And I did movie preview type stuff, quiz show takeoffs, soap operas, anything about the media was kind of what I did in little hunks. In 30 minutes I would do six hunks.
KING: I want to find out in a minute when you got controversial, because I know that you kind of...
CARLIN: I got more personal.
KING: You followed Lenny Bruce.
CARLIN: Lenny was of course a guy for the 50s, and into the 60s. I broke out in the 70s.
KING: Yeah, but middle 60s you caught on, right?
CARLIN: Yes, as a straight and tie, that's when I got hot for the first time as a regular mainstream act, '65.
KING: Had an album.
CARLIN: Had an album, I did, well I did every TV show.
KING: Look at the way he looked, folks.
CARLIN: Look at the guy.
KING: The George Carlin glossy.
CARLIN: Yes, the 8x10. That's a fairly nice shot.
KING: Looked a little like Bobby Darrin.
CARLIN: Bobby and I shared a birthday, if not a month. I think he's a Taurus, you can tell.
KING: You can tell Taruses?
CARLIN: Yes, sometimes I just go off into a strange area and you've got to pull me back.
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin. The book is "Napalm And Silly Putty."
CARLIN: Thank you.
KING: And don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) CARLIN: In your own words. People that say that to you? You know when you hear that a lot? In a classroom, or in a courtroom. They will say to you, "Tell us in your own words."
Do you have your own words? Hey, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say, "nic flot flarney quando floooo."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Another dumb rule I thought was, no singing at the table. Why? No singing at the table! Why? Because I said so. First sign of a dumb rule.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: When did you drop the whole beard with the hair and...
CARLIN: When did I grow it?
KING: You still have the beard, but you had the...
CARLIN: Oh,the hair was longer. My hair's gone in and out, you know, long and short, long and short, depending on how bothersome it got. It can be long. When it's long, it can be in your way. So, that was just -- that's a phase. It comes and goes. Doesn't mean anything.
KING: When, George, you really burst was the seven dirty words you can't say on -- the seven words you can't say...
CARLIN: Well, no. It was one album before that. That came -- I sold -- I had a gold album before that album hit. So nobody can hang that on me, that, oh, it was just the dirty words. I was rolling, but it was a big hit.
KING: How did you get that idea of that, to say the seven words you can't say?
CARLIN: Well, because I had spent so much time as a straight suit-and-tie guy, you know, with this leftover '50s was what the '60s -- the early '60s were really nothing but the leftover '50s and nothing really in until the mid-'60s up in Berkeley. And then '67 was the summer of love.
So I was -- I lived through that, and then all the TV I did, you know, they'd want to hear everything. And I didn't want to say anything filthy. It's just that you had to go through all this stuff. And I always was a guy who just thought about stuff, and language especially. So I decided I would take a look at which ones you could never say, because some of them you could say. Like bitch, you could talk about a dog. You could say, well, the bitch is in this litter, the bitch (UNINTELLIGIBLE). You could say bastard. William the Conqueror was a bastard.
But certain words never, and I wanted to know what they were. And I figured out the seven of them and I threw them out in the next package. And they had rhythm, they had a rhythm to it.
KING: Radio stations couldn't play it.
CARLIN: Radio stations, some did play it. And what happened was a station in New York played it. And the FCC -- one complaint, New York City, probably 25 million radios, 25 million radios, one complaint, a professional moralist, a guy from Morals and Media, with his son in the car. And he let the son listen. Apparently, they were not morally corrupted by this act.
But he listened long, he listened to the whole thing, complained to the FCC. They sanctioned the station, WBAI, tried to fine them or give them a black mark. They went to court and they won at the first level. The district court in D.C. they won 2-1. And then they got to the Supreme Court, five years later, and in 1978 the Supreme Court said 5-4 these words were indecent. They made up a whole new category of filth for me. It wasn't obscene -- indecent. And they said you can't play it when kids might listen.
And that's -- that's the rule they have, and they recently finally published the guidelines for it about 20 years later.
KING: You still can't say them?
CARLIN: You still can't say them. And...
KING: You can on HBO.
CARLIN: The only one you can -- yeah, of course, cable is -- ooh, cable was great for my career, because I could -- I could have -- first of all, not just what you can say. You can say everything, you can talk about anything on cable. But there's no interruption, you know, like commercial television every 12 minutes they're coming back. Well, he's -- we're going to sell you some tires, hold on, he'll be right back.
But here, you know, cable you get the flow. So I've got 11 HBOs under my belt. I'm going to do No. 12 come November.
But whatever I was talking about -- I can't remember, but it was really good. It was really good...
KING: Now, Lenny Bruce could have worked today.
CARLIN: Lenny Bruce could have worked unhassled, unharassed...
KING: And they arrested him for...
CARLIN: ... by the Catholic Church...
(CROSSTALK)
KING: ... they arrested him for things Eddie Murphy is saying on...
CARLIN: Yeah. Oh, and Lenny would, you know, would have had because he -- he had such grace of thought. You know, he had just an agile, wonderful mind. And he would probe and poke, you know, and he had just a wonderful way -- a genius, of course. But it was just so satisfying to watch. I was a young, aspiring comedian, and then a young comedian, too.
KING: He helped you.
CARLIN: He helped Burns and I. Jack Burns and I had two years together.
KING: You were an act.
CARLIN: Burns and Carlin, we were an act. Burns and Carlin. We did well. We did Parr after seven months in the business. We had an album first year. We did well for two years, Jack Burns and I.
And what happened was we were in a coffee house down not far from here at -- between Hollywood and Sunset on (UNINTELLIGIBLE). And it was a place called the Cosmo Alley, and we were working in this coffee house, first job ever, 1960.
Our manager, Murray Becker (ph), knew Lenny from the Navy, and I used to do an impression of him in the act. So he brought Lenny in to see the impression but hoping Lenny would like us. Lenny called GAC the next day -- that was a big agency; they were like William Morris is today. GAC, the guy, the president of GAC signed us the next day. Well, it took a couple of days to sign.
The next day we got a telegram, they want to sign us (UNINTELLIGIBLE) based on Lenny Bruce's rave reaction. And that started us and that started my own career.
KING: And when we come back, we're going to get George going on lots of topics, from sports to life to his own philosophy of things. We'll also include your phone calls. He's got the No. 1 book in America, "Napalm and Silly Putty." He's George Carlin. Don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about, the baby boomers. Whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Give me it. It's mine. Give me that. It's mine."
These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them. And they took it all, took it all: sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. And they stayed loaded for 20 years and had a free ride. But now they're staring down the barrel of middle-age burnout and they don't like it. They don't like. So they turn self-righteous and they want to make things hard on younger people.
They tell them abstain from sex, say no to drugs. As for the rock'n'roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago so they could buy pasta machines and Stair Masters and soybean futures. Soybean futures.
(APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Swimming! Swimming isn't a sport! Swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's common sense!
(APPLAUSE)
Sailing. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn't a sport. Why the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) should sailing be a sport?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: By the way, the George Carlin collection is available on VHS and DVD from MPI Home Video.
You often compare baseball and football of why baseball is peaceful...
CARLIN: Pastoral, 19th century.
KING: Football is war.
CARLIN: Football is 20th century technological. Baseball is played on a diamond. Football is played on a gridiron. Baseball is played in a park. Football is played in a stadium. Football, you wear a helmet.
(AUDIO GAP)
CARLIN: ... a few years, and I refined a little bit later.
KING: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) score?
CARLIN: But it was a whole thing about to drive the team into enemy territory using long bombs and short bullet passes to knock holes in the front line, in the enemy trench. In baseball, the object is to go home and to be safe.
(LAUGHTER)
To be safe at home.
I wish I had had the setup for it right.
KING: Boy, you think of those things. It's great the way you came up... CARLIN: I just love looking at language. My family gave me back, genetically and a little bit of reinforcement.
KING: He referred to it earlier, I want to show it to you now, a wonderful (UNINTELLIGIBLE). This was the weatherman on television.
CARLIN: Al Sleet.
KING: Al Sleet. Watch this, folks. This is early George Carlin.
CARLIN: Early.
KING: Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: I'd like to apologize for the weather, especially to the former residents of Rogers, Oklahoma.
(LAUGHTER)
Caught them napping.
(LAUGHTER)
I see the radar tonight is picking up a line of thundershowers, which extends from a point 9 miles south-southeast of Chester, Pennsylvania a along line and 6 miles either side of a line to a point 8 miles north-northeast of (UNINTELLIGIBLE), New Jersey.
However, the radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs.
(LAUGHTER)
So I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers.
(LAUGHTER)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: You got Carson on the floor.
CARLIN: When he disappears from view, you know you are doing all right.
KING: The hippy-dippy weatherman.
CARLIN: Al Sleet, the hippy-dippy weatherman. He -- that was a rather restrained version, because he was really out of it later, when he would say: "Tonight, the weather, you notice, is dominated by a large -- large -- Canadian -- sorry, Canadian low, which is not to be confused with a Mexican high." He was a pothead, and kind of like nobody knew that during the show. KING: You have said -- I'm going to figure out some things -- that even in "Napalm and Silly Putty," you think Americans are getting stupider.
CARLIN: Yeah, I think -- I think the way the education system works, it's just indoctrination. They are just produce little consumers of goods and producers of goods. And now they educate to the test, I mean, you know, just to pass the test, not the love of knowledge and not...
KING: Study to pass the test.
CARLIN: Yeah. I think Americans are -- you hear politicians say this, they love to roll this one out, a couple times a week -- American people are a lot smarter than they are given credit for. And I think it's exactly the opposite. They are a lot stupider than they are given credit for, they really are.
You know, you just look at them on the street, you say, jeez, you know -- and stuff they do, the stuff they buy! All the care about is getting a salad shooter, getting sneakers with lights in them, that's a big thing. Somebody got a jet ski, you got to get a jet ski! It's dumb. You know, they should develop their minds and their...
KING: Well, how did that happen?
CARLIN: Because everything is commercial, everything is to sell something now. The whole world -- they are going to, sooner or later, people are going to be born in this country, they are going to have a bar code. They tattoo a bar code on your arm when you are born, and maybe put a chip in your head, and track you your whole life. I'll bet you could get your kid, you sell a logo to tattoo on his forehead, $50,000 college for your college education, Coca-Cola comes off in 20 years. You know, it just fades way.
I bet you they can do it. You could sell -- you know what you could probably sell in this country? Fried chicken heads. Just heads. Because they would buy it. They would say: "How much is that? $1, oh, get two, get one for me. People are stupid. They don't know -- they don't think about anything.
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin, we will be including your phone calls. This is LARRY KING LIVE, don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Now, there is one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents, and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens.
This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces. Garbage in, garbage out!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Fine and dandy. That's an old-fashioned one. Say to a guy, "How are you?" He says, "fine and dandy." Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I'm never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: Can't hear it. OK, we lost sound somewhere.
CARLIN: And that was a good piece too, Larry.
KING: That was a good piece, George.
CARLIN: God, we missed that one.
KING: I don't know what happened.
CARLIN: It will be on later on someone else's show.
KING: OK. We will roll it later. It was...
CARLIN: Fine and dandy.
KING: Who do we blame for that? We got to blame someone. The media?
CARLIN: That is actually a National Security Agency, Larry, those people in Maryland, Fort Detrick, Maryland.
KING: They cut that off.
CARLIN: That's right. Because they knew I was going to reveal...
KING: What do you make of all this fuss about the greatest generation, Brokaw, World War II, the guys who fought?
CARLIN: Yeah. You know what? We can't leave anybody alone who is dead in this country. You've got to have a fence somewhere with teddy bears on it and ribbons. You ever notice this? We got to have a war building, we got to have a war -- Vietnam -- everybody's war, they want one.
(CROSSTALK)
KING: But it makes you feel...
CARLIN: Yeah, well, it makes you feel like people got killed, you know. I mean, the Civil War, you can't go to any place without a Civil War thing. Leave these people alone! Leave these people alone, you know! I mean, this stuff, the fence -- well, we've got to have more -- let's have another war so we can have more dead people, and we will make a new memorial! It's just stupid, it's crazy. I understand you want to grieve a little, fine, keep it at home.
This stuff in the street, John F. Kennedy Jr., oh we are going to light a candle, make a wish, going to write a poem, it's supersentimental kitsch, it's emotional kitsch, and I don't care for it personally. Leave these dead people alone! They are gone, that the point of being dead. I'm gone, leave me alone! I'll bet if you asked them, they would go, we need a memorial. I'll bet you, they would say we need a memorial. That's my feeling.
KING: Capital punishment.
CARLIN: You know what? We don't have the courage of our convictions in this country. People want everybody to, you know, go kill a guy, go kill the guy, what you should do is make a little entertainment, make some money on this thing, you can pay down the Social Security, you save.
KING: How?
CARLIN: Well, here is what you do. For instance, you get 500 guys who were condemned, you hold them up, you keep -- you save them, and you electrocute them all in one room at the same time, different chairs. You charge money. Budweiser would sponsor this in a minute.
Here's another thing. You got the electric chair? Why not find guys the electric couch? You put a coffee table, and you've got some cheese doodles, whatever they like. Here's one: a couple kills their kid -- sorry about that, but stuff happens, it happens -- an electric loveseat, you put them together, and they got to kiss just before the switch goes.
We don't use our imaginations. I'll bet you you could 200 depressed people in this country to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon, just for suicide, mass suicide for money, and you pay down Social Security, and you take care of our problems, Larry.
KING: You, you...
CARLIN: And I don't think...
KING: You mock us!
CARLIN: I don't think they should kill a guy. You know, like Jeffrey Dahmer, I'm going to give you -- I'll leave off the one that's real hot now.
KING: McVeigh.
CARLIN: But, yeah, because you guys are covering that and everything, Warner Brothers.
KING: You think that's overdone? CARLIN: Of course. Listen, here is what you do with guys like Jeffrey Dahmer, et cetera. You give them a warning, it's like a traffic ticket. You give them a warning. You say, listen, Jeff, not funny, nobody is amused. Stop calling attention to yourself. You eat one more Cambodian teenager head, and it's going to mean a stiff fine.
KING: That's some punishment.
CARLIN: You scare the guy, you scare the guy. You give him a break, you know.
KING: Bring a threat to him.
CARLIN: But you threaten them, and you'd be surprised, sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking-to. It's true. It's true. People don't -- they laugh.
KING: George Carlin's book is "Napalm and Silly Putty." We are going to talk about Brooklyn and growing up and other things George thinks about things, and more on language. And we're going to take your phone calls. His book, "Napalm and Silly Putty," is No. 1 on the "New York Times" best-seller list. He is a genius at what he does. Don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Fine and dandy. That's an old-fashioned one. Say to a guy: "How are you?" He says, "fine and dandy." Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I'm never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy. Close to dandy, approaching dandy, in the vicinity of dandyhood, not quite fully dandy. Other times, I am indeed highly dandy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: "More than happy." I bet you say that sometimes, don't you? Once in a while you say to somebody, "Oh, I'd be more than happy to do that." How can you be more than happy? To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition.
We have to put Dave in mental home. He was -- more than happy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(LAUGHTER)
KING: That's funny stuff. Let's take some calls for George Carlin, Huntsville, Alabama, hello.
CALLER: Hello. Mr. Carlin, I think you're fabulous.
CARLIN: Hi, Bama, how are you doing? CALLER: Doing good. I was actually -- I had a question. I have seen a couple of your HBO specials, and I was wondering about your views on Christianity, since you were kind of, you know, tossed around whether Jesus actually existed and, you know, all that kind of fun stuff. So I actually wanted to know if you truly are Atheist.
CARLIN: Well, Atheism is a belief, so I'm not an atheist, because that's something you have to believe.
KING: It also makes a definitive statement. There is -- what are you, an agnostic?
CARLIN: Not -- well, you know, somebody would define me that way, but I don't think it's important enough to know the distinction.
KING: What do you call yourself?
CARLIN: I'm just a person who thinks someday you could find out, and I would know, that whoever was there judging me, and I'm sure there's no one like that, but if there was someone judging me, I'd be fine. So I don't even think about -- you know, my brother calls it the big electron. Just the big electron, something's humming. That's all you need, is a good hum. A good -- I don't mean the bad kind. Just a good hum. So, I think Jesus probably lived. He's probably an alive guy, but -- I have an interview with him in my book, by the way. You want to read that, because he tells everything. You know, they ask him is there a heaven? He says, not only is there a heaven. We've got heck. Heck and hell.
KING: Heaven, heck and hell? What's heck?
CARLIN: Heck is not as bad as hell. It's similar.
(LAUGHTER)
KING: To Hartsdale, New York, hello.
CALLER: Hi George, hello.
CARLIN: Hi.
KING: How are you?
CALLER: I'm always amazed that you get better and better over the years. I've seen your show many times.
CARLIN: Thank you, sir.
CALLER: And I'd like to ask you, don't you think the reason why so many people in this country are stupid is because corporate America owns everything? They own the politicians, they own all of these networks, and they want us to be stupid to buy the products. That's why, for example, black kids get half the money spent on their educations in this country as white kids, and Henry Kissinger goes on shows and is treated as something other than a Nazi. I don't understand what kind of a country we're living in. KING: Strong opinion.
CARLIN: You made good point that -- and I forget that aspect of my answer earlier, and that is the reason -- it's in someone's interest, somewhere down the line it's in someone's interest that the population be minimally intelligent, not too analytical about their own situation, not too worried about ideas and looking under surface. Just kind of -- they know how to add, they can do the cost analysis sheets for us. That's all we need them to do. That's my theory.
KING: What did John Kennedy say, that most people want a kind king.
CARLIN: Yeah. Right, yeah, just leave me alone. Don't be riding through my living room with a horse.
KING: Do you hate celebritydom?
CARLIN: I don't participate in it. I'm well-known, I'm high profile. People see me, they know me, and I love it because it's like having an extended family. But I don't participate in the mystique of being a celebrity or anything. It's a fact of my life that I'm recognized, but outside of that, I'm real nice to people.
KING: What do you think of tabloids and our phenomenal interest in all that?
CARLIN: Oh, it's fun. It's fun.
KING: Don't matter what they print.
CARLIN: Well, you know, celebrities -- it's like, there's got to be something to make people relieve from their lives. That's what the shopping is, too. Shopping is a way for people to feel like they have power.
Well, maybe we'll buy the green one. No, no, I think the blue one's better. They feel like they have power. No, we're not going to buy it today at all, thank you very much. So they feel like they have some power, which they really don't have. And the same thing is true of celebrityhood. They see someone else and say, well, he's got all the money in the world and his life really sucks. Look, his wife killed their kid with a hat pin. What is -- you know, he's got all that money. I guess he's not happy. I'm glad I have no money.
You know, it's kind of like that. It's a little oversimple, what I said, but it's like that. Something like that.
(LAUGHTER)
KING: Dallas, hello.
CALLER: Hi, George, how are you?
CARLIN: How are you doing there? CALLER: OK. I enjoy your work.
CARLIN: Thank you.
CALLER: And my question is: What one life lesson do you know now that you wish you knew 20 years ago?
CARLIN: Boy, I never have any kind of good answer for that stuff, because I really enjoyed every minute, even the stuff I did that wasn't in my own interest.
KING: Really?
CARLIN: Yeah, sure,
KING: With drugs, or...
CARLIN: I used a lot of cocaine, and man, it was fun.
KING: You hosted "Saturday Night Live." You were the first host.
CARLIN: I was loaded.
KING: You were stoned.
CARLIN: That whole week. I don't remember a lot. I knew they had people. I knew they had people, they'd move around, they'd go like that. I thought, well, this is OK.
And I was there, but that's all.
KING: But you don't resent that.
CARLIN: I don't regret.
KING: You don't regret?
CARLIN: Nothing. There's nothing I would ever change about my life, except I would have started it 100 years sooner and kept it going 100 years extra.
KING: You had a great marriage. Your wife passed away.
CARLIN: Brenda and I were a long-term marriage, yep, and Brenda died in 1997. There's a woman in my life now, has been for the last three years, Sally Wade. And Sally is just fantastic. She's smart and funny and great-looking. And she and I have this thing where we kind of like inhabit a bubble, and we just kind of -- we just -- it's like the whole universe is ours. It's a wonderful feeling.
KING: And at the American Comedy Awards, which we attended, the wife and I, George Slaughter and his great production, you were honored as the...
CARLIN: As the lifetime achievement, which I told them, this is a down payment. This is part one, because I'm only 64, which is 17 Celsius, by the way, Larry. In Canada I'm a late teenager.
KING: So you put your years into Celsius.
CARLIN: Celsius. Well, I don't mind 64, but I like to go, no, I'm also 17.
KING: It's a good way to look at things.
CARLIN: Yeah. I'm also 2. You know, you're everything you ever were, when you think about it. You're still 21, you're still 45. You're still 18, you're still 2, because you did that and it's there. They can't take it away. You're still 2, you're still 2. You just don't show it as much. That's my theory.
KING: That's a good way to put it. In other words, you're still a little boy in there.
CARLIN: Oh, got to be. He's king of the whole place. He's king of the whole place. He's just lucky he's got an adult, knows how to drive.
(LAUGHTER)
CARLIN: You know?
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin. Don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: I think God may not be perfect. I think his work shows that.
(LAUGHTER)
CARLIN: Take a look at a mountain range. They're all crooked, they're never in line. All different sizes, there are no two leaves the same. He can't even give two people the same fingerprints.
(LAUGHTER)
CARLIN: He's had billions of years to work on this stuff. And everything he has ever made -- died!
Everything, so far! So far.
(APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Down the tubes -- hear that one a lot. People say, "Ah, the country is going down the tubes."
What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there's more than one tube?
(LAUGHTER)
CARLIN: It would seem to me, one country, one tube. But is every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big? Somebody would have seen it by now.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: Some great questions previously asked by George Carlin: if the police never find it, is it still a clue? Whom does a male ladybug dance with? Excellent questions. Tell me about Brooklyn. Now, you are from Brooklyn.
CARLIN: I'm from Manhattan.
KING: You're from Manhattan, yeah. But you were a Dodger?
CARLIN: Yeah. I was the only kid in my neighborhood like that, the only kid with that little infection. I just always liked to be against the tide. I never liked being like everybody else.
KING: So, you weren't a Yankee or a Giant?
CARLIN: No, and I live about 30 blocks -- exactly 30 blocks from Polo grounds, so of course, Yankee stadium right across the street. All the guys in my neighborhood Yankees fans and Giants fans, and I am a Dodger fan. They hated me. And every fall it would horrible, because the Yankees would win the series.
I -- my favorite story -- not story -- my favorite incident, I saw it, I was there the night -- with Teddy Dibble (ph) -- my buddy Teddy Dibble (ph) and I, we went and we saw them play the Boston Braves. Billy Southworth was the manager. Sid Gordon was the third baseman. And we snuck down behind the dug-outs late, you know, at seventh inning, from our grandstand seat.
That was the night Gil Hodges hit four home-runs, and Erskine, the pitcher, went five for six, and on Hodges, on the fourth home-run -- I swear to you this is true -- he probably had been up six times by then, he had three home-runs -- he came up again -- because they won 22 to something, 22 to three or something, it was great.
But he came up, and everybody was pulling for him, pulling for him, it looks like at last that bat is going to get, certainly not going to be extra innings, and it's the ninth inning, and hits a long -- because he is right-handed -- he hit a long foul ball home-run left field. Oh, he could have had it, he could have had it. Then, a couple pitches or whatever, he hits a long -- he got out in front of one -- he hit a long foul ball to right field, just foul. Home-run, too.
And then he did it. He hit one not straightaway center, but hit one center-left-center. It was great. We got four autographs that night. KING: Really?
CARLIN: I got Pee Wee Reese's autograph, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, everybody.
KING: Boy, that's great. I remember the game.
CARLIN: So, the next day, Teddy and I go back to the ballpark. Hey, this is fun! One to nothing. I hated pitchers' duals.
KING: Georgetown, Texas for our man George Carlin, hello.
CALLER: Hi, George, from Georgetown, Texas.
CARLIN: How are you doing there?
CALLER: I'm doing just fine.
CARLIN: Good.
CALLER: Hey, could you give us that little bit about the cats, you know, when a cat bumps into the wall.
CARLIN: Yeah.
KING: What was that?
CARLIN: This is -- this is -- I used this in the book, by the way, I used the cats and some of the cats and dog stuff in the book, because I like it so much, and so many people mention it.
A cat does not accept blame for anything. A cat will not show embarrassment. If a cat does something stupid, you know, like running across the carpet and hitting a glass door that didn't know it was closed, it will go like this, it will go: "I meant that. I meant that. I meant that. That is exactly what I wanted to do."
Like a dog and cat, the difference is...
KING: Dogs are dumb.
CARLIN: Well, but -- no, I don't think that, but a cat will show no guilt. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you look at the dog, you know he did it. His behavior is like this, you know. A cat goes: "What's that? Lamp? Ask the dog, not me." You know, they -- they are great.
But I'm a dog guy too. We've got a dog called Goofy. We got a dog called Goofy. Wouldn't it be fun to name a kid Goofy, just to see what happened to him? If you have a son, name him Goofy, tell him it's a nice name, forget it, see what happens in his life.
KING: Dayton, Ohio, hello.
CALLER: Hi, Larry.
KING: Hi. CALLER: George, you always make me feel dandy.
CARLIN: Oh, good, thank you very much.
CALLER: My question is, I would like your opinion on comics like Gallagher who base their comedy routines on ideas that you originated.
CARLIN: Well, you know, I don't know that I ever noticed that about his comedy, or heard anyone say that. I think I would have to know the kind of specifics. You know, there is a lot of people sitting around -- aren't as many as there are steel workers, for instance -- but a lot of people sitting around trying to be funny and make up things, and there is a lot of parallel thinking, so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
KING: I'll tell who you know is funny, Louis Black, right?
CARLIN: Louis Black is great. And so is Mitch Hedberg. But you mentioned Louis because he was at some affair you guys did the other night.
(CROSSTALK)
KING: ... foundation.
CARLIN: Louis Black is just great. I met him again -- I met him several times, but I saw -- I met his folks at the Comedy Awards, and Louis is smart.
KING: And he is like you in that he is angry, angry at everything.
CARLIN: Yeah, yeah, well...
KING: You're angry.
CARLIN: I'm not angry.
KING: Come on.
CARLIN: ... in my life. Not in my life, Larry. There is not a person can tell you they were with me more than five, 10 minutes, ever saw an angry moment out of me. What I have is a dissatisfaction with things.
KING: But Louis has that.
CARLIN: Yeah, it's the dissatisfaction with the reality that has been produced by humans and by this country's culture. So, it is that dissatisfaction on stage that plays like anger, because you heighten things up for the stage, you know, you exaggerate things because that is what makes them theatrical and funnier, but I'm a happy guy, man, happy as can be.
But I'll mention that other comic again, Mitch Hedberg, smart man. He is like Steven Wright who has been hit in the head four times with a tire iron, is just -- you know, interesting and weird, he goes, over here.
KING: Steven Wright.
CARLIN: I love Steven Wright.
KING: Steven Wright is...
CARLIN: Absolutely wonderful. He probably had a couple whacks with something, a tire iron or a bowling trophy. Something got him.
KING: Steven Wright who said he once bought a package of instant water, what do you mix it with?
CARLIN: Right.
KING: We'll be right back, don't go away.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Another abomination: white guys over 10 years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards. Listen to me. White guys, let me tell you something: you are never going to be as cool as black guys. Not going to happen. You are white, and you are lame. It's a law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool.
And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I'm going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but I think really, once you qualify for Social Security, it's time to spin that around to the front of you.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it's the word "mice." It's just a weak word. Doesn't have a lot of character, you know. Nice, isn't he nice, oh he is so nice. And she's nice too. Isn't that nice, how nice they are? I don't care for that, you know. It's like "fine." There is another word. How are you? Fine.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: George's next special, November 17 on HBO. What are you calling it?
CARLIN: I kind of like it when a lot of people die.
(CROSSTALK)
CARLIN: I enjoy big disasters, and big things.
KING: You mentioned you don't like memorials and you don't like...
(CROSSTALK)
KING: ... how do you feel about the unknown soldier, then?
CARLIN: The unknown soldier, you know what's interesting about him? First of all, there happens to be another one -- there's one the French have one, the Canadians and the English. All those unknown soldiers, they all knew each other. People didn't know that.
And here's another thing: there's actually -- you know what -- there is actually a well-known soldier, but you know? Nobody knows about him. Which is interesting, because nobody knows about the well- known soldier, and everybody knows the unknown soldier. How did they do that? They did that to us. And there is also, by the way, a well- known but poorly understood soldier, people just didn't get along with him. He is there.
KING: People don't know this, you served your country. You were in the Air Force.
CARLIN: I kept the peace.
KING: That's right, between wars, right?
CARLIN: The Russian hierarchy, apparently they saw what was happening. They messed with us in Korea, when I was underage. As soon as I get old enough -- bing -- peace. See this -- bing -- peace. This is what scared them. This is what scared them, a picture like that. And then, after I get out -- Vietnam -- they come right back at us. They left us alone when I'm in there, they said hey, this guy, don't fool with him.
KING: And you also had heart problems.
CARLIN: I've had three heart attacks. One was a minor little baby thing you wouldn't even bother with except I knew about jaw pain at that time. And then I had a nice big one, and a good one in 1982, that is when I had my first angioplasty, just before that Carnegie Hall show, that green one they saw there. And then I had one nine years later and I have been clean since, and I have had a lot of angioplasties, never a bypass, because it makes you goofy.
KING: I had a bypass.
CARLIN: Did you? It makes you goofy, Larry, it makes you goofy.
KING: You forget things though.
CARLIN: But you know what? What's the difference -- there's a lot of things not worth knowing.
KING: San Diego, hello.
CALLER: Yes, I know of a physician in New Jersey, who seriously approached you about running for president of the United States. I would like to know how you feel about that or do a lot of people ask you that?
KING: Would you would ever be interested in politics?
CARLIN: No, no. It is a wonderful fantasy thought for a person to say that to you, and it is obviously a compliment, you know, in different clothing. But, no. Look at the people you have to hang out with just to get going.
It's like golf. I would never play that. The game is probably interesting, to try to put a ball in the hole is maybe fun, but it is these people you have to go and hang around -- golfers -- the rest of them, the rest of them. These dorks in hats and checkered pants. You don't want to be near these people. And they all walk around -- they hit ball, they have a crooked stick, first of all, a crooked stick, hit a ball, walk after it, hit it again.
I say pick it up, put it in your pocket, go home, You're lucky you found it the first time, you know. They don't think of these things.
KING: We'll be back with our remaining moments with George Carlin. Tomorrow night we'll have a compendium of our interviews with Anthony Quinn. Sir Paul McCartney Tuesday night. We'll be right back.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLIN: Then finally we come to golf. Do you ever watch golf on TV? It's like watching flies (UNINTELLIGIBLE) . I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it's these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with crooked stick, and then walking after it.
And then hitting it again. I say pick it up, you are lucky found it. Put it in your pocket and go home, will you!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: Tuesday night on Larry King live, his songs have told his life story to generations. Now here him tell it himself. An exclusive interview with music legend Paul McCartney Tuesday on CNN.
We're back with George Carlin. Are you thrilled about the No. 1 book? I mean think about it.
CARLIN: Yes, of course, I only wanted one week at it. I think it went to two it will go to two after that, but that is all I wanted was one week and I got it already at the framers, you know. Because I only had nine years of school. I mean, I quit -- it wasn't their fault -- I quit because they weren't teaching what I needed.
KING: You quit after ninth grade?
CARLIN: At the ninth grade I quit and it's kind of nice because that's, you know, "The New York Times," you know, that is their world, and I was in my little...
KING: What did do you when you quit school?
CARLIN: I worked at Western Union for a year in the plant and engineering department as a junior clerk, and then at 17 I went in the Air Force because that is what I wanted, that's why I quit school -- get in get out get my life started. I knew what I was going to do knew, I knew how I was going to do it, I just needed to get out.
KING: You knew you would be comedian?
CARLIN: I knew that. That was my plan from the time I was a little kid, but I had a real plan when I was 11, to first be a disk jockey then be a comedian, and then try to be like Danny Kaye. That was kind of like my dream then. You know, dreams change a little, but the comedy part there, the first two worked out great.
KING: Why didn't you follow up more on your acting career? You were in "Prince of Tides"
CARLIN: It's not satisfying. There is nothing like getting out there all by yourself, and doing things you wrote and you thought of. To act someone else's lines, and wait around all day, and they -- gotta do it again, the light flashed -- you know -- that was the best one I did, I know but a truck ran by -- something, you know. Who wants to live like that? Me, I go, badaboom, this is it, I'll see you later.
KING: Do you test your material anywhere?
CARLIN: Not really. I'm working at the Comedy Store here in L.A. this month to stay in shape. It happens I'm doing some new things that I'm playing with, but I don't care about the audience reaction because I know what's going to work, pretty much, 95 percent, and I will just take out that 5 percent on my own, because it will be soft.
KING: When it doesn't work are you always surprised?
CARLIN: If it's a line in the middle of 6 lines that work it doesn't bother me. No, I'm not really surprised. Sometimes they surprise you the other way. You think, hey, that got a big laugh. I thought it was a just a buildup line.
KING: George, after all these years it's still great just talking to you.
CARLIN: LARRY KING LIVE. You ought to change your last name officially, legally to LARRY KING LIVE and then on the weekend you could have an alias. You could be LARRY KING WEEKEND. Nobody would know. He'd be all secret.
KING: Thank you, George. Stay well.
CARLIN: Thank you, Larry. KING: Take a cold shower. For Tuesday's exclusive interview with Paul McCartney, send in your questions early to my Web site -- I love this -- cnn.com/larryking. I love saying that. You have a Web site, George?
CARLIN: I have a Web site but I got dots, no slashes.
KING: Oh, I have slashes, you have dots. I don't know what either one means.
CARLIN: No.
KING: OK. Tomorrow night we'll have a retrospective on the career of the late, great Anthony Quinn, Monday night of course we will follow up on the McVeigh execution due for Monday morning and Tuesday, Sir Paul McCartney. Have a great weekend. For George Carlin the whole crew here in Los Angeles, thanks for joining us. Stay tuned for CNN TONIGHT an good night.
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Four Groups That Gotta Go (Language!)
"Here's another idea. I'm going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens. Four groups are going away permanently.
First group: Violent criminals. Here's what you do with these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvenience, you know. Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN. And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear it's logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this **** in half a minute.
Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations. But we don't have time for rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to fence; saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We're not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. It's a victimless hobby. And think of how good the cat must feel! No, we're only going to lock up rapists and molesters. Those hopeless romantics. Who're so full of love they can't help getting a little of it on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in Wyoming. And you let them suck, **** and fondle, you let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other...until their testicles are whistling 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'! And..and you turn on the cameras and you've got The Sperm Channel! And don't forget our corporate sponsor. We're going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist's pants right here, 'This Pud's For You'!
Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them, don't get nervous. Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person. And we're not going to bother first offenders. People deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get...twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen! That's fine, and that's it, if you can't make it in fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado! The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States...that the police and D.E.A. don't keep for their own personal use...will be air-dropped into Colorado. And we're going to turn the Coors brewery over to the beer drinking assholes and everyone can stay wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered, smashed and shitfaced 'round the clock on another new cable channel, Shitface Central- 'This is the real Rocky Mountain HIGH!!!
Ok, I've saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the buses don't run. And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel *****. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel *****, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can't put them all away. You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells you the King of Sweden is using his ***** as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases. Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a ****, you know? And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping her ***, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the maniac farm, I think there's no question we got to go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place.
Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you've got here. Think of what you've got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate. But- the gates are only ten inches wide and they're only open once a month...for seven seconds. And you know something? **** cable, this **** has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tattoos...lot of teeth broken off at the gumline...the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, a few of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The creme de la creme. The alphas. They're going to get through, they're going to find each other and they're going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you'll have a melting pot. Child killers, corpse *******, drug zombies and full-blown wackaloons. Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we'll have a balanced budget."
On Capital Punishment (Language!)
"The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings; they're not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like...the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers..who launder..the drug money. Forget the dealers. You want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these ******* bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers.
And I'm not talking about soft, American executions like lethal injection. I'm talking about ******* crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little further; I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people tuning in, don't even care about football! Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty ******* quick. Pretty ******* quick- you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or another 'cause I know it doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything, 'cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read the Bible, you see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It's a purification rite. It's a modern sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say, let's liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid ******* budget! Balance the stupid ******* budget!
And don't forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge. Let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid ******* budget!!
And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judeo-Christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don't bail out on me now, goddamnit! The blood is already on our hands; all we're talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good goddamn long time. There's a lot of good things we could be doing.
When's the last time we burned someone at the stake? It's been too long! Here's another form of capital punishment; comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Bridgeford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don't think that would get big ratings? In this sick ******* country?! ****, you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget.
What about boiling people in oil? Boy, those were the days, weren't they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun ****! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment. The kids'll love it. The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're enjoying themselves, we're teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this **** did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself!
Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher's Clearing House? OK, something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust. There's one guy's not going to be ******* with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult...right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness...right next to godliness. Alright, hi-tech. I sense some of you's are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon... and stick it up a guy's ***! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Whoa! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick. Yeah, a bomb in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey...listen...I got a lot of good ideas. Balance the stupid ******* budget.
George Carlin: A Funny Man in an Unfunny World
By Amy Goodman,
King Features Syndicate.
Posted June 26, 2008.
"Carlin gave voice to dissident perspectives that have been almost entirely blocked from mainstream media.
The world lost one of its great comedians this week with the death at age 71 of George Carlin. Carlin had a career as a stand-up comic that spanned a half-century, in which he continually broke new ground, targeting those in power with his wit and genius. He impacted our culture, our media and our nation with a stream of material that skewered institutions of the left and right, from government to business and the church. He released 22 comedy albums, earning him five Emmy nominations and winning four Grammys. He was the first guest host of "Saturday Night Live," in 1975, and appeared on "The Tonight Show" 130 times. He starred in 14 HBO specials and authored three best-selling books. He also left an indelible mark on the radio station where I got my start in broadcast journalism, Pacifica station WBAI 99.5 FM in New York City.
On Oct. 30, 1973, WBAI broadcast Carlin's "Filthy Words" routine. Carlin wrote on his Web site, georgecarlin.com: "Lone professional moralist complains to FCC which issues a Declaratory Order against station. Station goes to court." That court battle would last five years, end at the U.S. Supreme Court and set the standard for broadcast indecency laws that are hotly debated to this day. It was neither accident nor coincidence that this iconoclastic comic would have some of his most controversial material broadcast over Pacifica Radio's WBAI. The Pacifica Network was founded in Berkeley, Calif., in 1949, with KPFA as the first truly listener-sponsored radio station.
Back then, radio was so overwhelmingly commercial that Pacifica founder Lew Hill and others found it worthless. As Hill wrote in his "Theory of Listener Sponsored Radio," "If we want an improvement in radio, the basic situation of broadcasting must be such that artists and thinkers have a place to work -- with freedom."
On July 3, 1978, the Supreme Court ruled that the Federal Communications Commission could punish WBAI for its broadcast of Carlin's routine, arguing that words relating to sex or excretion (i.e., piss) when children might be listening were prohibited. Supreme Court Justices William Brennan and Thurgood Marshall dissented, noting the court's "depressing inability to appreciate that in our land of cultural pluralism, there are many who think, act, and talk differently from the Members of this Court, and who do not share their fragile sensibilities." Remarkably, 30 years later, the same issues are before a decidedly more conservative Supreme Court.
Recent episodes of "fleeting expletives" from the mouths of celebrities like Bono, Cher and Nicole Richie have prompted the FCC to seek enhanced power to punish broadcasters. George Carlin pointed out what in our society was truly indecent: the behavior of the powerful.
Yes, he spiced his delivery with expletives. He was angry. He, like Pacifica, gave voice to essential, dissident perspectives that have been almost entirely blocked from mainstream media. He said: "We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free, so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color, we'll wipe it out."
His prolific output will continue to inspire for generations to come."
A Place For My Stuff
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac
"Actually, this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all; a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there.
That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is- a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff.
And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore.
Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's no room for your stuff on it. Somebody else's **** is on the dresser. Have you noticed that their stuff is **** and your **** is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that **** off of there and let me put my stuff down!"
Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff- you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff- here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you.
That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tcha come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here." Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even smaller version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui- I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff all the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over." Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right- you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need."
Advertising Lullaby (From "You Are All Diseased" 1999)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dvhsJyecpLc
"Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
Free installation, free admission, free appraisal,
Free alterations, free delivery, free estimates,
Free home trial, and free parking.
No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of
saying thank you.
Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising dick up your *** a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit deeper, you miserable
no-good dumbass ******* consumer!' "
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YphEUa5LPjMQuote:
Originally Posted by capecoddah
Baseball and Football
"Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! ..."
On baby slings:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8vq-q7vdM50
Class Clown
Part 1 of 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahyN7UKz5M
Part 2 of 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK0HiHjkz94
"Uh, people always want to know how you get started...on this job. I guess they ask musicians too...and actors and everything, but, uh, they always want to know how you got started. They say, "How'd you get started?" They say to you, "Did you always want to be a comedian?" Well, not in the womb, but right after that, yes, I did. Sure.
But class clown is when you really do get a chance to kind of ...work out, y'know. 'Cause the classroom's the best place. Classroom's best because...well, no one's allowed to laugh there. And suppressed laughter, y'know, is they easiest to get, the most fun. Y'know, like when you're kneelin' in front of a casket- 'CHORTLE!' ...during the sermon, whatever it is and in the classroom. Class clown always sounds like there was only one of 'em, y'know, sounds like "the class clown" but that's not true, really. There was, y'know, quite often there were two or three or four of 'em. Mmm. Sometimes you'd have a whole classroom full of 'em, man. If the main guy was absent, second banana would fill in, right? And the class clown wasn't really so unique. Y'know, he didn't necessarily do things that were real different. It was just..he learned things first. He discovered things first and passed them on to the other guys, right? The class clown was the first to discover a lot of musical things. He was the first one to get into Hawaiian nose humming, right? ('Hawaiian nose humming' sounds) Well, if you're gonna play, play, y'know? And then, uh, playing 'head' (raps fist on head with mouth open) You had to be a little 'masso' for that anyway, man, y'know? That and throat (taps throat with mouth open) Aah. Found out later in life that the beard acts as a mute for soft passages, right? Well, anyway.
Class clown was the first guy to discover this- usually in gym class, right? ('arm fart' sounds) Yeah, the old artificial fart under the arm. Or as we called it in New York, (with heavy New York accent:) "The awtificial fawt undah the awm!" There were a lot of ways to make the fart sound when you were a kid. Remember, you had this one, too (makes different fart sound) Then, in the crook of your arm (another one) It was an important sound, y'know? I gues..we found so many ways to make it, y'know? I didn't need any of those fancy ones, 'cause I could (makes 'regular' mouth fart noises) I was into the bi-labial fricative, y'know? I was so glad when I found out that had a real official name to it, man. Bronx cheer and raspberry never made it for me. Bi-labial fricative- (makes more fart noises, then guy in crowd shouts, "Do one from the back!") Do one from the back? It would probably be an SBD today, man. Remember that? "Silent But Deadly, wow.
It's true. Most of the time in class I was tempted to..fool around, man. Get someone's..that's what it was, yeah. You'd be bored and you'd figure, "Well, why not deprive someone else of their education." And you would set about disrupting the class by...ATTRACTING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! That is the name of this job, y'know? It's called "Dig me." It's like, "Hey guys, didn't make the team, but- BBBBBBLLLLLAH! They'd say, "Hey, he's crazy, man. Hey, ya wanna go to a party, wow." Yeah, you went to all the parties. Got the last girl, but you went to all the parties, man. BBBBLAH!
When I would, uh, try to attract attention in class, it was..I wasn't really like a very daring and bold youth. I was a little timid, really. I didn't get right into fake epileptic seizures in the aisle, y'know. Start out and test the water a little bit. I used to start with little sounds, like- (makes 'pigeon' sounds in throat). That's a good one 'cause no one can really see where it's coming from. (does it again) You can even look around like you don't know. (once more) That's, of course, the pigeon; you recognize the pigeon. That was my only bird call...'cause that was our only bird, man. I was from a real 'New York' part of New York, y'know. We had pigeons..and, uh, sparrows; had sparrows. Sparrows- you could never pin a sparrow, y'know?. They would leave too fast. You try to go over to a sparrow- 'BROODOOM!' Pigeons would walk out of your way and give you a bad look, right? Poor pigeons, man. Their song is stuck in their throat. (makes 'pigeon' sounds again) That's what livin' in the city does, man. Sticks your song in your throat. I'm sure when the pigeons first got to the city, they had a nice song, man- (does 'birdcall' sounds) Few years in the city..(makes 'throat' pigeon sounds). And then that oil slick we laid on 'em; you've seen that oil slick on their neck. I'm sure we gave 'em that. Pidgies.
I had one sound that was my own. Not completely my own. I stole it from a Spike Jones record- 'GLLLGEAH!' (does variations on the sound) None of the other guys could do that one. I added a little something to it- 'HICUPMNNGLLLGEAH!' No one really cared. "Get him outta here, willya?" 'GLLLGAH GLLLGEE!' "Get him outta here." And then of course, there was- 'POP!' Popping the cheek. Which everyone had to do. Just to be a kid you had to be able to do that, right? Yeah, it was part of the credentials. "Can he pop his cheek?" 'POP'! "Okay, he's a kid. Let him in." Let me hear all of you do that. I love it when a whole auditorium does it. Everybody do it...like that. (hundreds of pops are heard from the crowd and they laugh at the sound) Now do it without giving in to the temptation to laugh. Everybody do it without laughing. (even more pops are heard from the crowd and they laugh louder at the speed of the pops) But, uh, we take that for granted. We think it's so simple. You say to yourself, "Well, I think I'll put my finger in my cheek and pop it." It's not that easy, man. There's a lotta things to think about. Ya gotta know how much finger to put in there for one, right? You can't do it like that (jams finger way in), man. You have to judge the amount of finger. You have to know how much air pressure against the cheek, how much cheek pressure against the air...and when to release. You see old guys in the park now can't get it on anymore- MMM! UHHH! That's the first thing that goes on a class clown...the cheeks, man.
They never did issue microphones to the class clowns. That would have been a big help. But you had ones like this- (does popping noises with microphone) And you remember this one? Old men always used to do this to you- (makes squeaking noises with his lips) Remember? Your grandfather would always do that. "Hey! Come here!" (squeak!) Ah ha ha ha!
I was, uh, my specialty was knuckle cracking....I was, uh, I was into it on kind of an esoteric level, really. For instance, I could crack all twenty-eight knuckles, you know. Twenty-eight plus, actually. Only twenty-eight are officially recognized by the Knuckle Institute. But you aficionados know that down at the ends of the fingers you have a lot of multiples and repeaters and, uh, if you wake up and think about it first thing in the morning you can do fifty or more of 'em, man. A little more knuckle lore for you. The smaller the knuckle, the higher the pitch. Something we just don't stop to think about, y'know? For instance, this last knuckle on the pinky is the highest pitched knuckle; you'll hear it now...CRACK! CRACK! That was a double! Let's see if I can go for the double on the other pinky. I don't often get two doubles in performance; I'd like to try. And that was down a little lower than it should have been. That's a higher pitched and much more gentle knuckle, usually. Let's give the right on the end of the pinky a chance...CRACK! Let's see if the other one's in there too...CRACK! Ahhhh! Two doubles is far out, yeah!
The best reason for cracking your knuckles was to make the girls sick. I mean that's... That's all you wanted to do when you were nine or ten was make the girls sick. If you could get Margaret Mary to throw up on her desk in the morning...you knew it would be a good day. You'd pick the most squeamish girl. Margaret Mary was susceptible to knuckles- Hey, Margaret Mary! CRACK! "Wooo oooh woo!" Remember that feeling? Like wiping off snot. "Wooo oooh woo!" Somebody else's! "AAAUGH!" You'd wipe it on flaming wood if you had to. "Get it off me; it got on me by accident- AAUUGH!" 'Cause nobody really likes your bodily fluids, y'know. Unless you keep them to yourself. People don't want them. Really, think of it. Any fluids of semi-fluids that you secrete or excrete or whatever. People don't wanna hear it. Earwax, blood, sweat, "Get it outta here, man!" Sometimes they'll take your blood if they're in trouble, otherwise keep things inside; people want you to keep things inside.
Anything you could do disgusting was good for class clown. Ernest Cruz could turn his upper eyelids inside out. Remember those guys, wow. Even I would go EWWWW! Don't do that, Ernest; you look like the Devil, man. John Pigman could belch at will. Not just the ordinary belch. I mean, we all learned to swallow a little air, y'know, and do the fraternity burp- BRAACK! But, uh, John Pigman was an artist, man. He would save air for like half an hour, man. You'd see him over in the corner. "Hey, John.." "No no, man..(gulping air sounds). "Ah, and when he would finally let go- 'BRRRIGADDOOMBRIGGADOWWBRRRRUGGADOOWOWOWOW!' Oh, wow. Old ladies...old ladies would puke for blocks around. He would talk when he burped. You remember those guys? (burping:) "How do you do? Son of a *****. BLLGADOO! BLLLUGH! He'd try to go through the whole alphabet on one burp. (burping:) ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW... Sometimes John would be in the movie theater...and you didn't know he was there. And then you found out, man. If anybody on the screen opened their mouth without saying anything, John would provide the dialog. 'BRRRRIGADOW!' "Hey, John's here, man!"
Class clown used to save his best stuff for lunchtime...when you were drinking your milk. And he'd try to make the milk come out your nose. "UGGGH! Carlin, you bastard! I'll get you, man!" It was even better with 7UP or root beer, y'know? Get all those bubbles up in their sinuses. One time, Michael Davey passed an entire cheese sandwich through his nose. Sister Annunciado thought is was a miracle, y'know? "Come with me, mister and don't talk to the other boys and girls. Yeah, you're not allowed to talk to anyone right after a miracle, y'know? You have to wait and be debriefed by a priest, right?
Den-deh-dehhhh! Remember that? Do you still do that? Den-deh-dehhhh! Don't lose that, man. Den-nehhh! Remember when you were a kid on a hot day? Nobody was around. Nothing to do...Den-deh-dehhhh! I'll still do it, man. I'll push the button in the elevator- Dum-duhhm! Watch the numerals going up- Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-DAH! Yeah, otherwise that's all wasted time, you know? Elevator. There's nothing to do in the elevator except not look at the other guy. Stare at your shoes.
I play 'spy' at the airport. Do you ever do that? I believe in using that kind of time; it's wasted time. I play 'spy' at the airport. Especially a big airport. You know there's a spy at the airport. Your job - find him.
Get into a little of this (drinks some water). Mmm. I'll share this with you. I'll share a swallow of water with you. Why not, man. No one ever shares a swallow with you. It's kind of a personal sound. (sticks microphone to his throat and swallows water) GLLLLLLLLLL! SPLASH! That second half is the best part of the swallow, you know? There are two parts... a lot of people don't realize. Two parts to the swallow. The first one, that..that kinda bubbly sound is when you pour somethin' in your mouth, your throat closes up. 'Cause your throat doesn't trust your mouth, man. Your throat knows your mouth is crazy... and will do anything. So your throat is kind of a monitor and you pour something in you mouth, your throat says, "Hold on. Let's check that stuff out." Then the brain goes (makes 'calculating' sounds) "Looks okay to me, let 'er go!" 'Blllmmmm!' Listen again for the two parts and especially that second one which is kinda like...going home. GLLLLLLLLLL! SPLASH! That was a goody.
The whole revolution is about values. Values of any kind, y'know? What you'll do for ten dollars; what you'll do with ten dollars. It all comes down to values; what you value and how much. And, uh, I often think of that. 'Cause you can buy anything in this country. Businessmen are the ones who really, like, kinda got this country where it is in both ways, in both the positive and the negative, man. They did... the businessman. 'Cause there's no morality in business. Just a ledger. Keep it in the black. Show a profit-(staccato) Keep it in the black - keep it in the black. Never mind your soul. Never mind the landscape. Never mind the other guy. Keep it in the black-keep it in the black-do what you can-keep it in the black. BUSINESS AS USUAL GOING ON! Big plywood up there. BUSINESS AS USUAL! Businessman did it. That's right. You can buy anything in this country. Anything you can think of! You can probably buy a left nostril inhaler if you look around long enough... . With your state motto on it... Glows in the dark- anything, man. If you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from you, man. "Yeah, give you a dollar and a half for that." Yeah, anything at all.
Values. Often think of that... when I go past the novelty store. You know the novelty store- tricks, jokes, fun. Fool your friends. They sell, uh, the dribble glass... joy buzzer... whoopee cushion - called 'poo-poo' cushion in the larger towns. You put it down- PPPTT! "Hey! Phil farted! Ha ha ha ha ha!" It's very big with the Shriners and American Legion are into those things. They're a little retentive anyway, so why not. Let 'em have it. A lotta things for sale in that store, y'know? They have a fly in an ice cube... snake matches, pepper gum, cigarette loads. Big thumb with a lotta bruises on it. There's a great one. They also sell fake food... which really knocks me out. Got rubber hot dogs, plastic fried eggs. The ones I saw were made in Austria. Imagine that - imported plastic fried eggs, wow. Plastic Swiss cheese. They have a little foam rubber sandwich with a bite missing from it. I often wonder how hungry people feel when they walk past. Guys that don't have lunch money together, man. Goin' past the novelty store - "Wow, that'd be salty. I'd be ready for a little trashing right away, y'know?" Start there.
That's not the biggest insult. The biggest insult however, is the, uh, ...the fake vomit. Imagine that - artificial vomit, wow. Some people can't scrape real vomit together, man. Guys are ordering three dozen vomit on the phone, man. I've seen a couple different brand names on that. One of 'em's called "Glop". Another one is "Whoops!" Isn't that great - 'whoops!' Tells you where to use it, too. They have little hints on a piece of cardboard. It's stapled to a piece of cardboard and it tells you where to use it. "On the car seat" ... There's a good one. "On the sidewalk", naturally. "Bathroom floor" they suggest there.
Part 3 of 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eli9Ho2UFiI
" The one that knocks me out is "near the refrigerator". It's so strange 'cause some, some grown person had to think of that! Some guy was at work one day and said, "Hey, Phil! I got another one! 'Near the refrigerator', huh?" "Beautiful, Charley! Lemme call the printer. Hey!" Near the refrigerator..wow. Fake vomit.
Lenny Bruce once said the reason the artificial vomit sells is because the artificial dog crap sold so well. I grew up watching the dog crap in the window, boy. I always thought.. first, I thought a doggie had gotten in the window and done it there, y'know. It was always next to the false teeth that you wind up and let go, right? Good ol' plaster of Paris dog crap, wow. Sure is strange. How do ya ask for that, y'know? Whaddaya say to the guy? "I'd like to see something in a dog crap, please." "Well, what did you want to spend on that?" "Money's no object. It's for a very good friend. I rather fancy that beige number in the window." "That's not beige. That's champagne gold! It's ..."
" ...I used to be Irish Catholic- now I'm an American. Y'know, you grow....yeah. I was from one of those Irish neighborhoods in New York. One of those kind of parish schools. Wasn't typical. It was, Corpus Christi was the name of it. Could have been any Catholic church, right? "Our Lady of Great Agony" ..."St. Rita Moreno" ..."Our Lady of Perpetual Motion"- What's the difference what you call it? The church part and the neighborhood part were typical but the school was not. It wasn't one of those old fashioned parish kinda prison schools with a lot of corporal punishment and Sister Mary Discipline with the steel ruler, right? (SMACK!) OOOWWWWW! MY HAND! AAAAUGGH! And you'd fall two years behind in penmanship, right? "Well, he's behind in penmanship, Mrs. Carlin. I don't know why." He's crippled. He's trying to learn to write with his left hand.
We didn't have that. We got..somehow we got lucky, y'know. Got into a school where the pastor was kinda into John Dewey and progressive education and he talked the parish...talked the diocese, rather, into, uh, experimenting in our parish with progressive education and whipping the religion on us anyway and see what would happen with the two of them there. And uh, worked out kinda nice; there was a lot of classroom freedom. There was no..for instance, there were no grades or marks, y'know, no report cards to sweat out or any of that. There were no uniforms. There were no...there was no sexual segregation; boy and girls together. And the desks weren't all nailed down in a row, y'know. There were movable desks and you had new friends every month. It was nice; like I say, a lot of classroom freedom...in fact there was so much freedom that by eighth grade, many of us had lost the faith. 'Cause they made questioners out of us and, uh, they really didn't have any answers, y'know. They'd fall back on, "Well, it's a mystery." "Oh, thank you, Father. I dunno. What's he talkin' about? Mystery.
Part of "class clown" was being an imitator as you've probably noticed but I used to imitate the priests...which was right on the verge of blasphemy, y'know. I could do them all rather well. I did Father Byrne the best. Father Byrne was the, uh, one who used to celebrate the children's Mass. I always thought that was great - 'celebrate Mass' "Yeaaah! Yeah, man!" Father Byrne did the children's Mass; did the sermon every week. He used to do parables about "Dusty and Buddy". Dusty was a Catholic...and Buddy.....was not. And Buddy was always trying to talk Dusty into having a hot dog on Friday. I could, uh, I could do Father Byrne so well that I often wanted to do him in confession, y'know. I wanted to get into Father Byrne's confessional one Saturday maybe a half hour before he showed up and get in there and hear a few confessions, y'know. Because I knew according to my faith and religion that if anyone came in there and really thought I was Father Byrne and really wanted to be forgiven...and perform the penance I had assigned...they would have been forgiven, man!
'Cause that's what they taught us; it's what's in your mind that counts; your intentions, that's how we'll judge you. What you want to do. Mortal sin had to be a grievous offense, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. Ya had'ta WANNA! In fact, WANNA was a sin all by itself. "Thou Shalt Not WANNA". If you woke up in the morning and said, "I'm going down to 42nd street and commit a mortal sin!" Save your car fare; you did it, man! Absolutely!
It was a sin for you to wanna feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to feel her up. It was a sin to try to feel her up and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins in one feel, man!
But confession had another..there was another aspect of confession for me. Our neighborhood was right between Columbia University and Harlem. Juilliard School of Music, Grant's Tomb. Uh, two seminaries- Jewish Theological and Union Theological Seminary. I said Harlem was there and then to the north...a Puerto Rican and Cuban section and as Puerto Ricans began to move into our neighborhood, the diocese, in this rare display of tokenism in the early Fifties sent one Spanish priest...Father Rivera...to hear Spanish confessions. And all the Irish guys that were heavily into puberty... would go to confession to Father Rivera. 'Cause he didn't seem to understand the sins, y'know...or at least he didn't take them personally, you know. It wasn't an affront to him. There was no big theological harangue; he didn't chew you out. He was known as a "light penance"; in and out, three "Hail, Mary's"; you're back on the street with Father Rivera, man. You could see the line move; that's how fast he was working. But he wasn't ready for the way Irish boys were confessing at that time and that place...
('3rd generation' Irish accent) "Uh, bless me, Father, for I have sinned...Uh, I touched myself in an impure manner. I was impure, impurity and impureness. Thought, word indeed. Body, touch, impure, sex, dirty. Impure legs, impureness. Touch, impure dirty body, sex, rub and covet; heavy on the covet, Father, uh.." (Rivera:) "That's OK, man! Tres Ave Marias!"...You'd be home in five minutes, you know?
The Irish priest, on the other hand, nice guy, but, uh, first of all, he recognized your voice 'cause you'd grown up there, right? He knew everyone- "What'd you do that for, George?" "Oh, God, he knows, man!" And the Irish priests were always heavily into penance and punishment, y'know? They'd give you a couple of novenas to do, nine first Fridays, five first Saturdays, Stations of the Cross...a trip to Lourdes, wow! That was one of the things that bothered me a little about my religion was that conflict between pain and pleasure.. 'cause they were always pushin' for pain and you were always pullin' for pleasure, man. ..."
...There were, uh, there were other things that bothered me; perhaps it's, uh, retrospect, y'know. I'm seeing them better now but I think I was troubled too at the time by the fact that my church would keep changing rules. I mean, they would change a rule anytime they wanted. "THIS LAW'S ETERNAL! Except for this weekend! SPECIAL DISPENSATION!" Magic words. Yeah, like eating meat on Friday was definitely a sin - except for the people in Philadelphia; they were number one in the scrap iron drive, yeah! They would give it away as a prize, y'know? If your parish gave the most money to the bishop's relief fund...Hamburgers on Friday, yeah! Wow. And I've been gone a long time now. It's not even a sin anymore to eat meat on Friday but I'll betcha there are still some guys in Hell doing time on the meat rap, right? "I thought it was retroactive! I had a baloney sandwich! This guy had a beef jerky, right? Tell 'em what you had." How'd you like to do eternity for a beef jerky. Yeah, 'cause Hell wasn't no five to ten, y'know. Hell was LATER!
Part 4 of 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c3YL8xaz2o
"Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and Limbo. Those were the four big places to go...yeah. Heaven was the only one they showed you pictures of. Drawings. I assume they were drawings, right? Artist's conception of Heaven. You'd find that in, uh, sometimes you'd find that in Treasure Chest, the comic book with Chuck White, the Catholic comic book. (smattering of applause) Yeah, a Chuck White fan. Yeah, occasionally you'd see a picture of Heaven. Heaven was always a lot of yellow and white light, lot of vertical lines. Lot of clouds. Might have been clouds, might have been apartment buildings; you weren't really sure. And a lot of tall angels. Y'ever notice that? Except for the cherubs, all the angels were really tall dudes, yeah. And all blonde. They had far too many blondes in Heaven as far as I was concerned.
Hell, they never showed you any pictures of Hell; Hell was real easy to understand. Hell was fire and anyone can dig fire, right? "Hey, Hell is like burnin' a hundred Christmas trees an' jumpin' right in the middle, y'know?"
Purgatory was weird. Purgatory was temporary Hell. It was like it was as bad as Hell but...you knew you were goin' home, man. Often wondered if they had like, short time clubs in Purgatory, y'know. Little buttons - "I'm short two eons, man, hey. I could do an eon standin' on my head, man." Purgatory.
The weirdest of all was Limbo. Limbo was where they sent unbaptized babies. The reasoning was, "It wasn't their fault". Yep. Can't see God if you're not baptized, but you were too young to make the decision - whip 'em into Limbo. OOO! What could limbo have been, man? (makes spooky noises) "Welcome to Limboooo." I think they've since canceled Limbo. I'm not completely sure, but I think when they, uh, purged a few of the saints, they called off Limbo, too, yeah. Hope they promoted everyone, sent them to Heaven, y'know. Didn't just cut them loose in space, right..yeah.
Once a week, Father Russell would come in for "Heavy Mystery" time. And you'd save all your weird questions for Father Russell. In fact, you'd make up strange questions. You'd take a whole week thinking up trick questions for Father Russell. "Hey, hey, hey Father! Hey, uh, if God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big that he himself can't lift it? HA, HA, HEEEEEY! WE GOT HIM NOW! AH, HA, HA!" Or else you'd take a very simple sin and surround it with the most bizarre circumstances you could imagine...to try to, y'know, relieve the guilt in the sin. We'd usually end up with the, uh, statement, "Would that then be a sin then, Father?"
Like, here, this is an example. There was one sin- not receiving communion during Easter time. You had to perform your "Easter duty". You had to receive once between Ash Wednesday and Pentecost Sunday and if you didn't do it, it was a mortal sin. Provided, of course, you had said to yourself, "Hey, I'm not gonna do it this year!" And, uh, there weren't many mortal sins on that, but a lot of guys went to Venial(?) City on Easter duty and so you would ask the priest y'know, you'd..."Hey, Father, hey, uh.." Remember guys would leave their hand up after they got called on, right? And the priest would say, "What are you, the Statue of Liberty, Dunn?" "Oh, sorry Father. Anyways, Father. Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty...and it's Pentecost Sunday...the last day...and you're on a ship at sea...and the chaplain goes into a coma...but you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late...but then you cross the International Date Line!" "Yes, I'm sure God will take that into account. Sit down, Woozie." ..."
"... Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali-
It's a nice musical name...Muhammad Ali.
He's back at work again; he's being allowed to work once again, Muhammad Ali. He wasn't for awhile, as you know. For about three and a half years, they didn't let him work. 'Course he had an unusual job, beating people up. It's a strange calling, y'know? But it's one you're entitled to. Government didn't see it that way. Government wanted him to change jobs. Government wanted him to kill people. He said, "No, that's where I draw the line. I'll beat 'em up, but I don't wanna kill 'em." And the government said, "Well, if you won't kill 'em, we won't let you beat 'em up! Ah, ha, ha, ha."
It was a spiteful move, y'know. All because he didn't want to go to Vietnam. And now, of course, we're leaving Vietnam...(makes explosion sound) We're leaving through Laos, Cambodia and Thailand. It's the overland route. It's the long way out. Ya gotta go through China and Russia to get out that way. What'll we tell them, man? "We'll only be here six weeks. Just looking for the Ho Chi Minh Trail!" Wow. Maybe they'll buy it, y'know. Of course, you have to remember why we're over there in the first place...(pause, then applause) Oh, yeah! It always comes to me. To free those people...So they can have industry- yeah! US industry- YEAH! Those are the middle two letters of the word 'industry'..US. And that is our job around the world. Run in, free some people and whip a little industry on them. "Here's your industry. Cool it awhile, willya?" So that they can have the benefits of industry that we have come to enjoy...COUGH!
Oh, beautiful
for smoggy skies
insecticided grain
For strip mined mountains majesty
above the asphalt plain
America, America
Man sheds his waste on thee
and hides the pines
with billboard signs
from sea to oily sea-eee!
Then you have to have to remember the sexual side of Vietnam which a lot of people don't notice. The Hearst newspapers notice it, of course. Yes, they're into sex on anything. You check the wishing well or the sewing patterns and there's a little something in there. But they're always afraid of pulling out. That's they're big problem, y'know? "Pull out? Doesn't sound manly to me, Bill. I say leave it in there and get the job done!" 'Cause that is, after all, what we're doing to that country, right?
Yeah. And we have always been good at that, you must admit. We, uh, took care of, uh, the blacks, took care of the Indians. I consider the South just another minority that was screwed by the US government. I have no prejudice against them. They got it, too. 'budadoom!'
We really gave the Indians a fast trip across the continent, you notice that? They were having a little cookout in Massachusetts- buncha boats came up, man..."Hey, ya mind moving over, guys? Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Over three mountain ranges...four mountain ranges. Got 'em onto an offshore island, Alcatraz, right? Off the continent completely! They had to take the island to get it! Then we kicked them off there. "I guess we're going to send them back where they came from." Yeah, we must, we.. They bought the Bering Strait theory. "Get them welfare people to work filling in the Bering Strait and charge them Indians a buck a head to go home. It's a good sound business solution."
Part 5 of 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB59GLjhR1c
On the Road
Part 1 of 4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=luHgPMJBsp0
"...Jeez, I hope I don't die. Oh, by the way, you're all going to die. I didn't mean to remind you of it but, uh, it is on your schedule. Won't come when you want. It's always off a little. What, now? Here on the freeway? Um hmm. Thought surely I'd be home lying down. Comics are supposed to worry about dying, you know? I don't want to die out there, man. Jeez, I was dying. It was death out there. Like a morgue. On the other hand, if he succeeds- if he makes you laugh- he can say, "I killed 'em! Knocked 'em dead!" Why is there so much violence mixed up with comedy, you know, which should be so much fun? It's all dying and bombing. He bombed. Or else he was a riot! (makes 'riot' noise) A real scream! AAAAUGH! I cracked up laughing! He broke me up, too. I busted a gut laughing! My friend was in stitches! He fractures me with his punch lines...and his GAGS! (makes gagging sound) Slapstick! Knee-slapping! Side-splitting! Rib-splitting! Gut-busting! Laugh....I thought I'd die.
But I just want to talk about regular dying. Plain old cacking out. Some people think cacking out means to go to sleep. Dying. The big cackaroo. We're all gonna go; when will it be? You know, it should be...instead of a fear thing- it should be sort of fun. Kind of a, you know, the next big adventure. We're going to find out where we go! That's what we've all been talking about. Where the hell do you go? I don't know. Must go somewhere...maybe. Phil has an idea- I know, I heard Phil. But where do you go? I don't know. You're going to find out. Hope it isn't nowhere, man. Think you go where you think you're gonna go. Whatever you dwell on. Did you ever hear those guys- "Oh, don't pray for me. Don't waste your prayers on me. I'm going to hell." He is. If Monty Hall dies, he'll probably go behind Door #4.
Suicide is for people who can't wait to find out where the hell it is they're going to go. Holy ****! I've been waiting a long time. I don't have many nights like that, but when you think about it, you know, kind of it'd be a goof, man, yeah. Suicide. I've always pictured myself on the ledge. There's got to be a little show business involved. You know, you don't want to slump over a porcelain fixture. Let me get up here. Set the record; be the first guy to reach the double yellow line. Have your picture in the centerfold of the newspaper. Actually, a picture of the building with a dotted line showing "leaper's path".
Suicide. Suppose you worked on the suicide hot line. Helping people; talking them out of it. That's your job. "Hello, Suicide Hot Line?" Then one morning, you wake up...a little depressed. Should you call in sick? I'd like to see a top salesman commit suicide, a real persuasive guy up on the ledge...and the priest talks him out of it...and he talks the priest into it!
People say you come back. Reincarnation. Do you think so? Well, it doesn't seem mathematically possible to me, man. Uh, 'course at one time what we had on the earth was six people, you know. I avoid "two" because it's controversial but six.. most people agree, "Fuck, yeah, we had six at one time." Six people, six souls...cool. They died, souls went back to the place; six new people souls- still six souls. Now we have four billion people...claiming to have souls. Someone is printing up souls...and it lowers their value, you know.
Part 2 of 4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8gChW9semhk
When I die, I don't want to go through that funeral ****. Funeral. Hey, when you die, you get more popular than you've ever been in your whole life. you get more flowers when you die then you ever got at all. They all arrive at once- too late. People say the nicest things about you. They'll make **** up if they have to, man. "Oh, yeah. He's an *******- but a well-meaning *******." "Yeah, poor Bill is dead." "Yeah, poor Bill is dead." "Poor Tom is gone." "Yeah, poor Tom." "Poor John died." "Yeah, John." "What about Ed?" "No, Ed, that ************'s still alive, man!" "Get him out of here." Your approval curve goes way up, man.
You might be at one of those funerals where you're lying in the coffin, you know, folks looking at you, they do have them. "Open it up, I want to see him." And you're lying there and they come by and the first thing they do after blessing themselves if they do that...is subtract their age from yours. Figure at a minimum what they still have to live. They don't know you're lying there with no back in your jacket and short pants on. ****. Embarrassed by the rouge. And they say, "Jeez, don't he look good?" "He's dead, man." "I know, but he never looked that good." I don't want to have a funeral like that. I don't want to be cremated, either. I want to be blown up! BOOM! There he goes! God! Love him!
I figured out the way to commit the perfect murder. Again, you know, you got to think of something. You pick one guy up by his ankles...and you kill another guy with him. And they both die and there's no murder weapon. "What happened here, sarge?" "I don't know. It looks like a pedestrian accident to me. They must have been moving at quite a clip."
Suppose you're in death row. They got to give you that meal; that last meal. They don't want to hear elephant steaks and **** like that, but within reason, your last meal, man...and suppose you can't decide between steak and lobster. That's it; can't decide. I don't know. Polygraph, truth serum- man doesn't know. Six months alive, can't decide. They'd have to let you live. They can't drag you down the last mile screaming, "I can't decide!" And then one day finally- "OK, all right, OK; give me the steak." "Now how'd ya want that cooked?" "Ohh, I don't know..."
They say you have a flashback just before you die. See your life over again, kind of a little movie, a little newsreel- (makes 'movie projector' sound:) "Diddle-enn, diddle-enn, diddle-enn". Again, it doesn't seem mathematically possible, hm? OK, you're out in the surf (GASP), second, third time (GASP). You're about to die and the movie starts- "diddle-enn, diddle-enn, diddle-enn". Now you've got to see the whole movie, including the ending, which involves arriving at the beach...walking out into the surf and having the movie start. You're going to see it again. Thanks to the movie, we can never die.
But I say if you're going to die, die big. Entertain those you leave behind. Posthumous reflexes. You know, dying takes place in stages...and not all of the electrical energy in your brain is discharged when you're dead. Every now and then, a corpse goes 'GNORRRT!' Veterans know, "No, no. That's just electricity." But I say if we have this possibility, let's plan those reflexes. Do something entertaining. Roll over on the autopsy table. Cross your legs, scratch your balls. Do something. Be fun.
But you can entertain and the only reason I suggest you can something to do with the way you die is a little known...and less understood portion of death called..."The Two Minute Warning." Obviously, many of you do not know about it, but just as in football, two minutes before you die, there is an audible warning: "Two minutes, get your **** together" and the only reason we don't know about it is 'cause the only people who hear it...die! And they don't have a chance to explain, you know. I don't think we'd listen anyway. But there is a two minute warning and I say use those two minutes. Entertain. Uplift. Do something. Give a two minute speech. Everyone has a two minute speech in them. Something you know, something you love. Your vacation, man...two minutes. Really do it well. Lots of feeling, lots of spirit and build- wax eloquent for the first time. Reach a peak. With about five seconds left, tell them, "If this is not the truth, may God strike me dead!' THOOM! From then on, you command much more attention. Maybe you get your two minute warning when you're in the office. Get up and start your own funeral collection. "What's the record, Bill? I'd like to top the record." Whatever your motive. You might be at an exercise program. Get up and volunteer for something strenuous. Do the Lindy hops and refuse to stop when they do. Tell them you have a new exercise- the Hindu Death Exercise...jump 'till you die. Maybe you'll get your two minute warning when you're in the audience at a faith healer's program. "Two Minutes!" Get up and get on line with the healees. Tell 'em you got the willies. No one knows what the willies look like anyway, man. Just get on line and time it right, fifteen seconds and you kneel down, she puts her hands on your shoulder and you DIE! "Evangelist Slays Worshiper- Fifty Thousand Look On- Police Sift Clues." That's what they do, man. Sift clues.
How are ya? Have a good halftime? Did you spell anything out? Hey...We were going to talk about kids. Getting into being a kid. 'Cause they've got extra things going against them. Besides being too young, kids have the extra disadvantage of being too small. You're too small, too little. It's true; you are kinda teeny. They start you out small, don't they? "Look at this, Dan. We've got a kid." "Say, looks like the one we had. Whatcha gonna do with him?" "Gonna raise him." "Well, don't plant him too deep."
You're stuck down there and the whole world's up here. It must have some effect, huh? Everything is a stiff neck and a crotch view. Everything is built for them; all the furniture. Oh, they give you one little table and four chairs in your room, you know, but your brother sits on 'em and breaks them, right? Everything's a- eh, pardon me, excuse me, eh, pardon me, eh, could I have your attention? Eh, excuse me, eh, I'm down here. Watch out for the cigarette, will you? God, the cigarette! Eh, pardon me, would you take a look for the cookies? Would you take the cookies? They're up there somewhere. They're not down here. They don't leave 'em here. They're up there. Take a look, would you? Would you get the cookies? Hey, would you look? Would you help him? Hey, he knows where they are. Hey, tell him where the cookies are. Hey, could you could you could you... The only thing you're really familiar with is the nap of the rug, you know.
And because you're so small...because you're so small... They pick you up and throw you in the air. You don't see 'em throwing each other in the air, do you? Just you because you're teeny. Your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving. "Ah, look at him! Ain't he little? I'm gonna throw him up in the air. Here we go! (Whoa! Ahhhh!) ..."
Part 3 of 4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=eMt5QvyHmjU
"Okay, okay, all right, okay, I got ya, I got ya. (Splat!) Oh, oh Margaret, I'm sorry. I lost him in the sun. Is there any turkey left?"
The kids have rules to live up to, but most of the rules were tough. They had some good rules, y'know, I don't mean to put them down. Parents had some pretty good rules. No running with the scissors. That's one I never disobeyed. Made sense to me. This big mother'll go right through me. "What are you doing?" "I'm not running with the scissors...for one thing." They had a couple more good rules. They had another one: No sticking your head out of the high speed railroad train window. Say, goddamn, Dad, good rule. Doesn't want our heads chopped off. Fantastic, Dad.
But then they had some dumb rules: No running in the hall. Where ya gonna run? In the rooms? Gotta keep turning in the rooms, man, ****! You can't get up any speed at all, man, ****! Hallways were made for runners. The hallway sprint - try to take that quick right before you crash into the statue of the Sacred Heart - man blow everybody...blow the whole feast day. They had another dumb rule: No singing at the table. Why not? One guy with a bad voice fucked it up for everybody else? No singing at the table. How about humming? No, by extension, humming and whistling included. There's no such rule as no screaming at the top of your lungs at the table. That ought to be good to try that. Show me the rule. You could stand right next to the table and sing your *** off. Just don't sit down, man. "I'm standing near the table during dinner and I'm singing and it isn't even covered by your rules." "Sit down, you." That was your middle name...you. "Come here, you."
Then there were the cliches; lazy language. But we had answers for those cliches, man. Kids had answers for those cliches. We didn't get to deliver them, you know. No sense getting the **** beat out of you every day. But we had answers. The most popular and used child's answer that went on, I think, without the parent hearing it was- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah- Huh? No, no, I didn't say anything. Well, thinking out loud, I guess.
Hey, you really want to make a friend of your parents? Contradict them in front of their friends. Oh, they love that. "Wrong, Ma!" "Don't you ever (SMACK!) contradict me (POW! WHACK!) in front of my (CRUNCH!) friends. It didn't matter what they said; we had an answer. "Don't you understand English?" "Not fully, no." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Six. (WHOP!) ****, thought you were looking for information, Ma." "Don't talk back to me!" "Huh?" "Don't talk back!" "You're teaching me a language, aren't you? You're telling me no more practicing?" "I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" "I'll blow bubbles out my ***!" "You just wait 'til your father comes home!" "Eh, hot ****! That ************ never comes home. Thanks, Ma, I'll see you later. I'll be bad for a week."
There's one last cliche. Not everyone got to hear it, but it was out there. "I have tried to be both a mother and father to you." "Go **** yourself!" "That's the thanks I get..." "That's the thanks you get." Sounds like a bum deal. There are a lot of little phrases and expressions, too—language items that occur in your childhood, that you don’t get to use after you grow up. Things you leave behind. Stuff you don’t say anymore, like, ‘NYAAAH, NYAAAH, NYAH-NYAH, NYAAH!’ I have an awful time working that in. Words like ‘fraidy-cat.’ ‘I’ll be going to Chicago, Dan. Bill’s a fraidy-cat, he won’t fly, ha ha. Fucking fraidy-cat, Bill, ha ha. [basso voice] Fraidy-cat, fraidy-cat.’
You don’t go around saying, ‘Y’know what?’ ‘What?’ ‘That’s what!’ They put that right on your employee record, man. By the way, if a kid ever comes up to and says, ‘Y’know what?’ Tell them, ‘Yes,’ and walk away. Pisses them off.
And you know what? For a long time—a long time—no one has asked me to put on my thinking cap. I don’t even know if I still have mine. Yes—it’s probably in the closet. I had one—didn’t you have one? Shit, I saw mine. Big leather—kind of a leather deal. Hoops coming out, big hoops. Mmmm—oh, boy. This shit will be easy now. ‘Can’t you get that through your thick skull?’ ‘Keeps hitting my thinking cap!’
"HOW'S YOUR DOG? HOW'S YOUR GODDAMN DOG?" Did you ever have a guy who asks you that? "HOW'S YOUR DOG?" Fine, he's all right. They're not your dogs; they're our dogs! Every now and then one of us has one for awhile. But they're our dogs.
Okay, you're home at night, got the TV on, but you got the lights on too 'cause you're reading. Doggie's there. Doing a crossword puzzle; answer the phone. You got a Pepsi, bag of Doritos, hey. Does this happen in your house? If a dog is shown on television, do you try to get your dog to look at the dog? "Look at the dog! Look at the dog! Look at the doggie! LOOK AT THE DOG, YOU *******!" They never look where you want, do they? They look at your hand. "Look over there..." "What's his hand doing up there, man? His hand is on my head! What did I do wrong?" "Well, for one thing, you missed the dog!"
Okay, same situation now. You're up in the bedroom with your person, lights on, reading, talking, doing the puzzle, doggie's there, TV's on. Got about half a Pepsi left; Doritos holding out nice. And one of you says to the other-[SNIFF] 'Honey, did you fart?" "I thought you farted." "No, not me, that's not even one of my farts. I know. The dog farted! WHY DID YOU FART, TIPPY? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his *** open up. Just like that." "I see." "Well, I just happened to be looking at his *** by chance. I thought he was doing deep breathing exercises. I don't know. What the hell do I know about the dog, for Chrissakes?"
Now you're in the public part of your house; you're in the living room, doggie's there and you have some friends in. A few neighbors sittin' around the coffee table. See you brought out your Pepsi, but **** 'em- let 'em get their own Doritos, man. I'm not here to feed the neighborhood. But you're sitting around and talking's nice and the DOG IS LICKING HIS BALLS! And nobody mentions it. Spectacular thing going on! If I could reach, I'd never leave the house, man, are you kidding? They say things like, "Isn't he cute? He's taking a bath!" "He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge. Yeah, he's been on that one spot for over an hour now. It's a mighty selective bath."
Part 4 of 4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=3dx4Exz4XGs
" "I see." "Well, I just happened to be looking at his *** by chance. I thought he was doing deep breathing exercises. I don't know. What the hell do I know about the dog, for Chrissakes?"
Now you're in the public part of your house; you're in the living room, doggie's there and you have some friends in. A few neighbors sittin' around the coffee table. See you brought out your Pepsi, but **** 'em- let 'em get their own Doritos, man. I'm not here to feed the neighborhood. But you're sitting around and talking's nice and the DOG IS LICKING HIS BALLS! And nobody mentions it. Spectacular thing going on! If I could reach, I'd never leave the house, man, are you kidding? They say things like, "Isn't he cute? He's taking a bath!" "He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge. Yeah, he's been on that one spot for over an hour now. It's a mighty selective bath. "
Don't Pull The Plug On Me! Language!
" And don't be pulling any plugs on me either. Here's another bunch of macho ******* bullshit floating around this country. People talking about, "Aw, pull the plug on me. If I'm ever like that. If I'm comatosed, if I'm like a vegetable, pull the plug on me." **** you! Leave my plug alone! Get an extension cord for my plug! I want everything you got, tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IVs. You got something (click), stick it in me, man. You find out I got a hole I didn't know I had, put a ******' plug in it! Vegetable? ****, I don't care if I look like an artichoke. Ssaaaaave my ***! There's three things I want if I'm ever in that condition. Three things I gotta have. Ice cream, morphine and television. You give me that ice cream every two hours. Give me that morphine, about...every ten minutes. And turn on the ******* TV! I wanna see Geraldo! And don't be coming to visit me. I got no time for live people. I'm brain-dead here. Ain't you people got no respect for the brain-dead? Hey, you gotta be brain-dead to watch Geraldo in the first place. You might as well watch it when you're clinically brain-dead. "