Hmmm, some of these seem to be untranslatable...
But this one works (awkwardly) in English: "Stierlitz fed the children stealthily. This stealthily stuff made the children swell up and die."Штирлиц украдкой кормил детей. От украдки дети пухли и дохли.
Ummm... is this one a reference to дрочка? (If not, then I misunderstood the joke.)Штирлиц овладел собой и, немного спустя, заснул.