By the way, Deborski, I thought the English original was wonderfully expressive, and you did a pretty good job with the translation. One quick grammatical comment: It's often unnecessary to translate the word "of" with an actual preposition in Russian -- you can just use the noun in the genitive. So "the weight of the snow" would just be вес снега, not вес из снега. But you can use "из" if you mean "of" in the sense "made from" or "made out of". For example, if you were building an igloo, you could use кирпич из снега to mean "a brick of snow".

Also, here's my suggestion for the opening lines (which, of course, native Russians might veto!):

The glacier
Around my heart
Was thick
With the weight
Of eons
Of snow
How about:

Сердце у меня (My heart)
Покрытое (Is covered)
Толстым ледником (By a thick glacier)
Образованным (Formed)
Век за веком (Century after century)
При давлении (From the pressure)
Снега. (Of the snow)


Mainly, I like the phrase век за веком to suggest the gradual accumulation of a ледник (glacier), and I suggest replacing вес (weight) with давление (pressure) because the root verb давить can figuratively mean "to stifle/constrain/repress emotionally", in addition to the literal meaning "to press under a heavy weight". For example, Страх ошибиться его давит. -- "He's paralyzed by the fear of screwing up." (Lit., "Fear of erring stifles him.")