Thread: My first translation. After corrections

This is my first try at translating a song.. can someone please fix my mistakes? thanks!

Про небо в январе знаешь только ты,
Only you know about the January sky
Про мои сны знаешь столько,
You know so much about my dreams
Мне некуда бежать,
I have nowhere to run
Не могу сказать,
I can’t say
Как устало солнце биться
How tired the sun is of being beaten

А я и не знала, как люблю дождь,
And even I don’t know, how to love the rain
Туман в городе моём серый,
There’s grey fog in my city
Он цвета глаз твоих, цвета волос,
it’s the colour of your eyes, the colour of the hair
И имя серое твоё - дождь.
And your name is grey - rain
Встреч знать бы по часам,
I want to know the time for our meeting

Видеть по рукам, сколько мне дышать,
To see on the hands, how much for me to breathe
Так раз и навсегда,
Like the first (time) and forever
Всё бы отдала
I would give everything
За простое: "Я скучаю"
For these simple words: “I miss you”

Я и не знала...
And even I don’t know...
Туман в городе моём...
There’s fog in my city...
Я и не знала...
And I don’t know...

Взял за руку с собой,
The rain took your hand,
Краску смыл водой
It washed the paint off with water
Так целует дождь,
It's the kiss of the rain
Взгляд прочь бегущих лиц
You don’t look at others running
Что же ты стоишь?
Why are you standing?
Заболеешь, прячься, слышишь.
You’ll get ill, hide, do you hear?

Good job on the first four lines.

Originally Posted by Katina

Как устало солнце биться
How tired the sun is of being beaten

"биться" doesn't mean "to be beaten". It is either "to fight" or "to beat" (as in "the heart is beating"). The word has other meanings too, but I don't think any of those would apply here

Originally Posted by Katina

А я и не знала, как люблю дождь,
And even I don’t know, how to love the rain

And I didn't even know how much I loved the rain.

Originally Posted by Katina

И имя серое твоё - дождь.
And your name is grey - rain

I may be hairsplitting, but I'd say "Your grey name is rain"

Originally Posted by Katina

Встреч знать бы по часам,
Видеть по рукам, сколько мне дышать,

Gibberish. These lines are ungrammatical, so we can only guess about their precise meaning. My guess is: If I could only know the time of our meeting and divine by hands (?) now much time is left for me to breath. But I wouldn't bet a penny that this is what the lyrics author had in mind.

Originally Posted by Katina

Так раз и навсегда,
Like the first (time) and forever

So, once and for all...

Я и не знала...
And even I don’t know...

"And I didn't even know" (or "I never knew", whichever you like better)

Взгляд прочь бегущих лиц
You don’t look at others running

"A glance of the faces that are running away" or "turned-away glance of running faces". This is not a good English, I know, but it isn't a good Russian either.

солнце бьётся = the sun beams [the sun rays] (poetic style)

I think it's related to солнечный луч бъётся (the sun ray beams)

Originally Posted by translationsnmru

Good job on the first four lines.


"биться" doesn't mean "to be beaten". It is either "to fight" or "to beat" (as in "the heart is beating"). The word has other meanings too, but I don't think any of those would apply here

thanks for the correction so how would this be in english? in a sentence

ohh never mind i just saw the other post. sorry

Originally Posted by MasterAdmin

солнце бьётся = the sun beams [the sun rays] (poetic style)

I think it's related to солнечный луч бъётся (the sun ray beams)

Not in this case, I am afraid. The weather is foggy and rainy. The sun is tired of trying to fight through the clouds and the fog (or tired of beating itself against the clouds, which adds up to more or less the same thing). That's the image I am getting.
Although, of course, you can never be sure with pop song lyrics...

what does it mean by : I may be hairsplitting, but I'd say "Your grey name is rain"?
?

Originally Posted by Katina

what does it mean by : I may be hairsplitting, but I'd say "Your grey name is rain"?
?

You translated one of the lines "Your name is grey - rain". I think that "You grey name is rain" is truer to the original, even though the difference isn't very big

ok should it be it may be hairplitting?

omg i thought you meant it was part of the translation! haha

Then it means:
солнце бьётся => the sun breaks through; tries to break through

* even 'is trying to break through'