Thread: Check my phrasing (short dialogue)

This is a little cartoon-style comedy dialogue that I wrote for practice, between a human and a talking wolf. Both speak mostly in Russian but with a few phrases in English (and Spanish, and Latin, all "for effect"). I would appreciate any corrections to the Russian -- as well as "improvements" (if it's correct as is, but a different phrasing would sound better/funnier).

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Не обижайтесь, прошу вас -- а если могу откровенно говорить, я волкам как-то не доверяю.

ВОЛК: Всё понятно! А я, на самом деле, не волк! Я нормальный, добрый пёсик!

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Пёсик? В смысле "собака"?! You're a DOG?!

ВОЛК: Да, "ай эм... ¿Cómo se dice...? ...вери найс догги!"

ЧЕЛОВЕК:[чуть по-скептически] Really, okay. A если вы пёс, почему у вас на ошейнике пишется "ВОЛК"? Если я не ошибаюсь, слово Волк, на обыкновенном русском яызке, означает хищные млекопитающее вида Canis lupus horribilis. В двух словах, "I know a fucking wolf when I see one and I'm looking at one RIGHT NOW."

ВОЛК: Ну, разумеется на ошейнике "Волк". Дело в том, что я сам пёс, а просто по кличке меня зовут "Волк". Знаете, почему меня зовут "Волк"? Потому-что... [дальше по-английски] Because, like all nice doggies, I love to go for волк!!

ЧЕЛОВЕК: А вы всё-таки нормальная собака...

ВОЛК: Так. Абсолютно, да! [громким шёптом, к зрителям] МИГАНИЕМ! [or some form of the verb мигать, but in any case, using the actual word for "wink"]

ЧЕЛОВЕК: ...и вы вообще не гоняетесь за испуганных крестьян чтобы съесть их с детьми?

ВОЛК: Тьфу, что вы??! Я добрый пёс, крестьян не ем. Я даже не кусаюсь! И в частности, я никогда не кормился, не кормюсь, да вообще не собираюсь кормиться детьми...

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Okay.

ВОЛК: [в мечтательном шепоте] ...сладкими, сочными, жирными детьми...

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Ага, я так и думал! WOLF!

And here's the translation:

PERSON: Please don't take offense, but, if it's okay to be frank, I don't quite trust wolves.

WOLF: Quite understandable! But as a matter a fact, I'm not a wolf -- I'm a nice, normal pooch!

PERSON: "Pooch." In the sense of "dog". You're a dog?!

WOLF: Yes, "Ai em" -- ¿ Комо сэ дисэ ...? -- "veri nais doggi."

PERSON: [a bit skeptically] Really, okay. But if you're a dog, why does it say "VOLK" on your dog-collar? If I'm not mistaken, the word "wolf" in ordinary Russian signifies a predatory mammal of the species Canis lupus horribilis. In two words: "I know... [etc.]"

WOLF: Well, naturally the COLLAR says "Volk". The thing is, I myself am a dog, but I'm just called "Volk" as a nickname. Do you know why? Because, like all good dogs, I love to go for a "volk"!

PERSON: But just the same you're a normal dog...

WOLF: Of course, absolutely, yes! [in a loud whisper, to audience] WINK!

PERSON: ...and you don't go chasing after terrified peasants to gobble them up with their children too?

WOLF: Yuck, what kind of thing is that to say? I'm a good dog, I don't eat peasants. I don't even bite! And in particular, I've never fed on, do not feed on, and have no plans of ever feeding on children...

PERSON: Okay.

WOLF: [in a daydreamy whisper] ...sweet, juicy, fatty children...

PERSON: Aha, just as I thought! A wolf!

By the way, it was essential that both characters speak at least a little English in order to set up the "go for a волк" joke, but if some of the humor seems "too American" and doesn't translate well (like the wolf saying "Wink" to the audience), please let me know. It was definitely influenced by English-language comedy traditions like Warner Bros. cartoons, vaudeville, and Monty Python.

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Не обижайтесь, прошу вас -- а если могу откровенно говорить, я волкам как-то не доверяю.

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Не обижайтесь, прошу вас, но откровенно говоря, я волкам как-то не доверяю.

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ВОЛК: Всё понятно! А я, на самом деле, не волк! Я нормальный, добрый пёсик

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Пёсик?[FONT=courier new] В смысле "собака"?! You're a DOG?!

ВОЛК: Да, "ай эм... ¿Cómo se dice...? ...вери найс догги!"

ЧЕЛОВЕК:[чуть по-скептически] Really, okay. A если вы пёс, почему у вас на ошейнике пишется "ВОЛК"? Если я не ошибаюсь, слово Волк, на обыкновенном русском яызке, означает хищные млекопитающее вида Canis lupus horribilis. В двух словах, "I know a fucking wolf when I see one and I'm looking at one RIGHT NOW."

ЧЕЛОВЕК:[скептически] Really, okay. A если вы пёс, почему у вас на ошейнике написано "ВОЛК"? Если я не ошибаюсь, слово Волк, на обыкновенном русском языке, означает хищное млекопитающее вида Canis lupus horrendum. В двух словах, "I know a fucking wolf when I see one and I'm looking at one RIGHT NOW."
I corrected you Latin too, I hope that's what you meant. Also the last phrase is kinda long to say "В двух словах" about it

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ВОЛК: Ну, разумеется на ошейнике "Волк". Дело в том, что я сам пёс, а просто по кличке меня зовут "Волк". Знаете, почему меня зовут "Волк"? Потому-что... [дальше по-английски] Because, like all nice doggies, I love to go for волк!!

ВОЛК: Ну, разумеется на ошейнике написано "Волк". Дело в том, что я сам пёс, но моя кличка "Волк". Знаете, почему меня зовут "Волк"? Потому-что... [дальше по-английски] - I don't understand the English part, does it mean that every dog wants to be/look like wolf?

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ЧЕЛОВЕК: А вы всё-таки нормальная собака...

ВОЛК: Так. Абсолютно, да! [громким шёптом, к зрителям] МИГАНИЕМ! [or some form of the verb мигать, but in any case, using the actual word for "wink"]

ЧЕЛОВЕК: А, вы всё-таки нормальная собака...
ВОЛК: Абсолютно точно! [поворачивается к зрителям и подмигивает]
Characters don't SAY "Wink" in Russian that would sound really weird, they do it. BTW мигать is blink

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ЧЕЛОВЕК: ...и вы вообще не гоняетесь за испуганных крестьян чтобы съесть их с детьми?

ВОЛК: Тьфу, что вы??! Я добрый пёс, крестьян не ем. Я даже не кусаюсь! И в частности, я никогда не кормился, не кормюсь, да вообще не собираюсь кормиться детьми...

ЧЕЛОВЕК: ...и вы вообще не гоняетесь за испуганными крестьянами чтобы съесть их вместе с детьми?

ВОЛК: Да что вы??! Я добрый пёс, крестьян не ем. Я даже не кусаюсь! И прошу особенно заметить, что я никогда не ел, не ем, да и вообще не собираюсь есть детей

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Okay.

ВОЛК: [в мечтательном шепоте] ...сладкими, сочными, жирными детьми...

ВОЛК: [в мечтательном шепоте] ...сладких, сочных, жирных детей...

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

ЧЕЛОВЕК: Ага, я так и думал! WOLF!

I didn't crosscheck it completely against English

Thanks very much for your help, Doomer!

I'm not 100% sure about the Latin -- I believe you're right that a gerundive form (horrendum) might be more correct if you were constructing a grammatically complete sentence in Latin, but the adjective horribilis is definitely used in biological taxonomy -- for example, the N. American "grizzly bear" is Ursus arctos horribilis. (But there's actually no such wolf species as Canis lupus horribilis.)

Also, "to go for a волк" is a silly phonetic pun on "to take a dog for a walk." (гулять с собакой). It's meant to be a not-very-clever pun, because the wolf's own collar has betrayed him and he needs to invent an explanation very quickly.

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Also, "to go for a волк" is a silly phonetic pun on "to take a dog for a walk." (гулять с собакой). It's meant to be a not-very-clever pun, because the wolf's own collar has betrayed him and he needs to invent an explanation very quickly.

I always thought "L" is not pronounced in English "walk", is it?

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Thanks very much for your help, Doomer!

I'm not 100% sure about the Latin -- I believe you're right that a gerundive form (horrendum) might be more correct if you were constructing a grammatically complete sentence in Latin, but the adjective horribilis is definitely used in biological taxonomy -- for example, the N. American "grizzly bear" is Ursus arctos horribilis. (But there's actually no such wolf species as Canis lupus horribilis.)

Per my understanding horribilis is ужасающий as in the progress of "terrification", horrendum is ужасный. I know that there is no such specie

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

Also, "to go for a волк" is a silly phonetic pun on "to take a dog for a walk." (гулять с собакой). It's meant to be a not-very-clever pun, because the wolf's own collar has betrayed him and he needs to invent an explanation very quickly.

That's a real puzzle

Originally Posted by Боб Уайтман

I always thought "L" is not pronounced in English "walk", is it?

It depends on the speaker -- many people don't pronounce the "L" at all, and many others "reduce" it to a sort of W sound. Thus "walk" sounds something like wawk, and the vowel has a subtly different quality than in "wok" (the bowl-shaped Chinese frying pan). But other people would pronounce "walk" and "wok" as perfect homonyms (this is partly a matter of "regional dialect").

But it's not "wrong" if you do pronounce the L, and neither is it wrong if you don't pronounce it. For example, a schoolteacher giving a dictation exercise to children might say "walk" with a very clear "L" in order to help the kids remember the spelling. But the same teacher might pronounce the word as "wok" when speaking to another adult.

I would consider the "L" in words like walk, talk, chalk, palm, golf, etc. to be "semi-silent" or "pseudo-silent" -- because some pronounce the "L" and others don't. (Thus, some speakers rhyme "golf" with "off" and "cough", without the "L" sound.)

This is in contrast to, for example, the "K" and "E" in knife -- which are really, truly 100% silent letters, and are not pronounced by any native speaker even in the most careful speech. (A teacher giving dictation would never ever pronounce "knife" as к'нифэй, with an audible "K" and two syllables! And the "p" in psychology is also 100% silent under all circumstances, etc.)

By Russian-British-English (that we learn in schools) walk pronounced as [wɔːk] - no L sound at all. We also have a "rule" that "al" is basically replaced by "o" all the time

Originally Posted by Throbert McGee

It depends on the speaker -- many people don't pronounce the "L" at all, and many others "reduce" it to a sort of W sound. Thus "walk" sounds something like wawk, and the vowel has a subtly different quality than in "wok" (the bowl-shaped Chinese frying pan). But other people would pronounce "walk" and "wok" as perfect homonyms (this is partly a matter of "regional dialect").

But it's not "wrong" if you do pronounce the L, and neither is it wrong if you don't pronounce it. For example, a schoolteacher giving a dictation exercise to children might say "walk" with a very clear "L" in order to help the kids remember the spelling. But the same teacher might pronounce the word as "wok" when speaking to another adult.

I would consider the "L" in words like walk, talk, chalk, palm, golf, etc. to be "semi-silent" or "pseudo-silent" -- because some pronounce the "L" and others don't. (Thus, some speakers rhyme "golf" with "off" and "cough", without the "L" sound.)

This is in contrast to, for example, the "K" and "E" in knife -- which are really, truly 100% silent letters, and are not pronounced by any native speaker even in the most careful speech. (A teacher giving dictation would never ever pronounce "knife" as к'нифэй, with an audible "K" and two syllables! And the "p" in psychology is also 100% silent under all circumstances, etc.)

Thank you for the clarification, I did not know that.
When I learned English both at school and in the university, I was never told about the difference between "truly silent" and "pseudo-silent" letters. So, I was taught exactly the same way about "K" in "knife, knit, knock" etc. and about "L" in "talk, walk, chalk" etc. And many similar rules as well.
But that's a problem of our education. I'd rather trust what natives say

that's interesting because reduction or migration of L to W occurs or occurred at certain stage of their evolution in different languages, in Polish there's Ł pronounced as W and used in stems where Russian has Л, example złoto - золото

in Belorussian there's Ў pronounced as W at the endings of such words as verbs in past tense form, where Russian equivalents have Л, example быў - был, and where Ukrainians write Л, but pronounce W or at least they should