Thanks, Hanna.
No, I don't write for a living and in fact I do think that I do not write well. Because sometimes the structure of sentences, words chosen, etc., are being taken from my native Russian language. I don't know if it's right or wrong but someone already told me that a few sentences must be reworded from scratch instead of correcting parts of them. As to the plot, from the comments I received on another forum I've gathered that I should use more detailed, "colorful" writing. So I'll be trying to work on it. Everyone is still welcome to comment. You don't have to fix every single thing that sounds awkward. One or two at a time would be great.
Btw: does it read interesting at all, or do you skip whole sentences and paragraphs because they are boring, too artifical, etc., etc,. etc.?