# Forum Other Languages English for Russians - Изучаем английский язык Practice your English  Check my translation - "Diary of an orc"

## wanja

Hi, everybody! I decided to check my translator's skills on the well nown in Runet Silmarillion spoof "Дневник одного орка"("Diary of an orc") by Farit Akhmejanov. Please point me to my mistakes. 
Part by part  *Farit Akhmejanov* *Diary of an orc*  *12th of the 2nd month*
We are driven from pillar to post. We had an endurance test today – the whole our battalion ran up and down through the main Angband stairways, dashing aside from the balrogs. After five such runs, none of us could stand on his feet, so they just pushed us down – to the bio-labs – and opened some door. The door sized as a mediocre mountain. When the curious Glaurung’s face showed from it, the battalion ran up rapidly, so fast that the dragon managed to gobble only the fat Umfarg and the five who lagged. The others safely reached the narrow spans – Glau can’t fit there, he goes upstairs in another way. He spitted fire following us, just as a joke, but that’s nothing. Only three of us were burnt. 
In the evening, we had political classes. Urthang held them. He explained, what scumbags, squabblers, brawlers, and cutthroats are the elves. And they are weaklings at the same time, they can only throw their arrows from the bush. He says, Silmarills are of ours, they are made not by Feanor, but by Priperdyum, the orcish weapon smith, who still stands stuffed in a place of honor. 
We are going to a raid soon.  *16th of the 2nd month*
I took over the watch at my homeland – the memorable Big Boss’ fifth lab. Everything here is dear – retorts, test tubes, magic amplifiers. On the wall there are elf in section (poster), orc in section (poor bastard), and some terrifying intermediate stages. The huge tubs, fading in the darkness. Everything is dear. I’m on the verge of tears. It’s because of the air – there is no such air anywhere else... One day Sauron came in without a respirator – fainted within a minute, despite his being Maya. A habit’s needed.  *44th of the 2nd month*
We have had a campaign. After that we caught Urthang and battered him heavily. «Elves are weaklings, elves are squabblers, they can only cut one another». I don’t know about that, but that’s our throats they cut very well. 
In short, we entered the wood. We went in three troops – at the scream range, to be secured in a need. Talhur strutted in advance, so he was pinned to the tree first. Arrows flew from everywhere – I was lucky, an arrow went under my breastplate, having made a mere scratch. I cleverly fell into heap of ours and closed my eyes. 
The two platoons to stand by us just showed yellow. The nearest one tried to do something, but their vanguard fell into the pitfall, and the others retreated with a heroic scream. The third one consisted of rookies, just from mothers’ breasts, Tulkas take them. Nearly no veterans of the fifth lab left. Mothers give birth to orcs now, they thin the blood. Fie. 
Оригинал:  *12 числа 2-го месяца* 
Гоняют. Нынче была проверка на выносливость — весь наш батальон бегал вверх вниз по главной лестнице Ангбанда, шарахаясь от встречных барлогов. После пяти таких пробегов никто уже не мог стоять на ногах, тогда нас просто спихнули вниз — к биолабораториям — и открыли какую-то дверцу. Дверцу размером со средней величины гору. Когда оттуда высунулась любопытная морда Глаурунга, батальон дружно побежал вверх, да так резво, что дракон успел слопать только толстого Умфарга да еще пяток отставших. Остальные благополучно добрались до узких пролетов — Глау туда не помещается, ему наверх другой дорогой. Он шутки ради плюнул нам вслед пламенем, но это пустяки, дело житейское. Троих пожгло. 
Вечером были политзанятия. Проводил Уртханг. Объяснял, какие эльфы сволочи, скандалисты, склочники и головорезы. При этом — слабаки, только и знают из кустов стрелами кидаться. Сильмариллы, говорит, нашенские, сделал их не Феанор, а Припердюм, орк-оружейник, чье чучело до сих пор стоит в красном уголке. 
Скоро пойдем в набег.  *16 числа 2-го месяца* 
Заступил в караул на родине — в памятной 5-й лаборатории Большого Босса. Здесь все родное — колбы, пробирки, магические усилители. Hа стене — эльф в разрезе (плакат), орк в разрезе (бедняга), и несколько жутковатых промежуточных форм. Здоровенные чаны, теряющиеся в темноте. Все родное. На глаза слезы наворачиваются. Это все воздух — такого нигде нет… Саурон как-то вошел без респиратора — минуты не прошло, хлопнулся, даром что майар. Привычка нужна.  *44-го числа 2-го месяца* 
Ходили в поход. После него поймали Уртханга и крепко избили. «Эльфы слабаки, эльфы — склочники, только и знают, что друг дружку резать». Не знаю, нашему брату они глотку режут не хуже. 
Короче, вышли мы в лес. Шли тремя отрядами — в пределах визга, чтоб подстраховать при надобности. Впереди Тальхур вышагивал, его первого и пришпилили к стволу. Стрелы летели со всех сторон — мне повезло, стрела прошла под нагрудником, слегка оцарапав. Я, не будь дурак, шлепнулся в кучу наших и закатил глаза. 
Те два отряда, что должны были нас страховать, попросту наложили в штаны. Ближний еще попытался дернуться, но авангард провалился в ловчую яму и остальные с героическим визгом отступили. Третий же вообще состоял из новобранцев, только от матерей оторвали, Тулкас их задери. Ветеранов пятой лаборатории не осталось почти. Мамки теперь орков рожают, разжижают кровь. Тьфу.

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## quartz

> Hi, everybody! I decided to check my translator's skills on the well known in Runet Silmarillion spoof "Дневник одного орка"("Diary of an orc") by Farit Akhmejanov. Please point out my mistakes. 
> Part by part  *Farit Akhmejanov* *Diary of an orc*  *12th day of the 2nd month*
> We are driven from pillar to post. We had an endurance test today –- our whole  battalion ran up and down _the main Angband stairway_, dashing (better: jumping) aside for the balrogs. After five such runs_ not one of us could stand on his feet, so they just pushed us down – to the bio-labs – and opened some door. The door was the size of [s:1fotejzd]a mediocre[/s:1fotejzd]  (an average? largish?) mountain. When Glaurung’s  curious  face protruded? appeared? from it, the battalion ran up_  so fast that the dragon managed to gobble up only the fat Umfarg and the five who lagged. The others reached the narrow passage? safely; Glau can't fit in there, he goes upstairs a different way. He spit out some fire after us, just for fun, but that’s nothing. Only three of us were burnt.  
> In the evening, we had political classes. Urthang was teaching them. He explained_ what scumbags, squabblers, brawlers, and cutthroats the elves are. And they are also weaklings -- all they can do is shoot arrows from the bushes. He says, Silmarills are our kin; they are made not by Feanor, but by Priperdyum, the orcish weaponsmith, whose stuffed corpse still stands in the place of honor. 
> We are going on a raid soon.   *16th day of the 2nd month*
> I took over the watch of my homeland (this sentence sounds very strange; not sure how to fix) – the memorial fifth lab of the Big Boss. Everything here is dear to me – flasks, test tubes, magic amplifiers. On the wall there is a sectional view of an (not sure if that is the correct meaning of the Russian; what does the Russian part mean?) elf (a poster), another one of an orc (poor bastard), and some terrifying stages in between. The huge tubs_ fading into _darkness. Everything here is close to my heart. I’m on the verge of tears. It’s because of the air -- there is no such air anywhere else... One day Sauron came in without a respirator; he fainted within a minute, despite him being a Maya. One needs to get used to this.    *44th day of the 2nd month*
> We have had a campaign. After that we caught Urthang and beat him up savagely. «Elves are weaklings, elves are squabblers, they can only slaughter? one another». I don’t know about that because they cut our throats just as well. 
> In short, we entered the wood. We were going in three detachments  separated by a scream's range, close enough to help if needed. Talhur strutted in the lead, so he was the first to be pinned to a tree. Arrows flew at us from everywhere. I was lucky -- an arrow went under my breastplate, leaving only a scratch. I threw myself into a heap of ours and closed my eyes.  All the two detachments that were supposed to help us did, was sh*t their pants (  ). The nearest one tried to do something_ but their vanguard fell into a trap_ and the rest retreated with a heroic scream. The third one consisted of rookies_ barely weaned from their mother's breast, Tulkas take them. There were almost no veterans of the fifth lab left. Mothers now give birth to orcs -- they thin the blood. Fie on them!

 This was long; I probably missed a lot. I also just went along with word-by-word translation, changing sentences only if it sounds really bad in English. But the word-by-word translation sounds really stilted in English.  
Just a note -- in English, you cannot join two sentences/independent clauses with a comma. Ever. Use semicolon or separate into two sentences.
 But you have too many commas. In English there are fewer commas needed and many commas are optional. English also doesn't use as many dashes as Russian.

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## translationsnmru

A Maya is an Indian from Yucatan. The singular of Maiar is Maia  ::

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## wanja

> *16th day of the 2nd month*
> I took over the watch of my homeland (this sentence sounds very strange; not sure how to fix) – the memorial fifth lab of the Big Boss.

 He took sentry service in the 5th lab -  his birthplace.  

> On the wall there is a sectional view of an (not sure if that is the correct meaning of the Russian; what does the Russian part mean?) elf (a poster), another one of an orc (poor bastard), and some terrifying stages in between.

 A sectional view: innards etc.

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## wanja

Next part: *22nd day of the next month*
We’ve been at swamps for five weeks. We’re looking for Gondolin. We still didn’t manage to find it – and why should it be here? Elves don’t like swamps – they prefer wood and not so wet. But we are searching here. We are occupied and alive at the same time. I’ve become to respect lieutenant Inghak very much, for some reason.  *25th day of the same month*
Pirpuk has gone crazy. Runs throughout the forest, looks under the stones, picks up with groans old half-rotten logs – looks for the hidden city. And gives heart-rending shouts: «Gondolin! Get out I’ve seen you». We tried to knock him out but he was too strong so he broke away and fled.  *29th*
Lieutenant Inghak was driven away; Urthang was sent to us. This one is very clever, turned us out from swamps and drove to mountains. I have a foreboding. What if we find them? *30th*
When we came to the feet of extremely unattractive mountains, lieutenant drove us at once through the canyons. Pilhak, poor guy, tumbled from the ledge into a chasm and was crushed flat. Urthang became overanxious on that, shouted those are elven plots and the aim is close. When a half of a troop was hanging in a chain on the sheer cliff, that idiot Pirpuk sprang out from somewhere with his heart-rending: «Gondoliiin!». Troops poured from the cliff just like peas$ we had to remove bodies until evening.  
Оригинал: *22-го числа следующего месяца* 
Пять недель не вылезаем из болот. Ищем Гондолин. Никак не найдем — да и с чего бы ему тут быть? Эльфы в болота не лезут, им бы в лес, да посуше. Hо — ищем здесь. И мы при деле, и живые к тому же. Лейтенанта Ингхака я что-то крепко зауважал.  *25-го числа того же месяца* 
Пирпук сошел с ума. Бегает по лесу, заглядывает под камушки, приподнимает, кряхтя, старые полусгнившие колоды — ищет потаенный город. При этом истошно вопит: «Гондолин! Вылезай, я тебя видел.» Хотели его пришибить, но он здоровый, вырвался и убежал.  *29-го числа* 
Угнали лейтенанта Ингхака, прислали Уртханга. Этот шибко умный, вытурил нас из болот и повел в горы. Чую, не к добру. А ну как найдем?  *30-го числа* 
Когда приперлись к подножиям крайне несимпатичных гор, лейтенант сразу погнал нас по ущельям. Пильхак, бедняга, сверзился с уступа в пропасть — в лепешку. Уртханг от этого перевозбудился, заорал, что это, мол, эльфийские козни и что цель близка. Когда полотряда повисла цепочкой на отвесной скале, откуда-то вывернул этот идиот Пирпук со своим истошным «Гондолии-ин!» Народ посыпался со скалы горохом, трупы убирали до вечера.

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## quartz

> Originally Posted by quartz  *16th day of the 2nd month*
> I took over the watch of my homeland (this sentence sounds very strange; not sure how to fix) – the memorial fifth lab of the Big Boss.    He took sentry service in the 5th lab -  his birthplace.

 _Birthplace_ sounds much more natural. Homeland is something different -- it can't be a lab.   _Sectional view_ seems to be the correct translation.

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## quartz

Here we go again...  ::    

> Next part:  *22nd day of the next month* 
> We’ve been in the swamps for five weeks. We’re looking for Gondolin. We still haven't managed to find it – and why should it be here? Elves don’t like swamps – they prefer the woods, the drier the better. But we are searching here. We are occupied and alive on top of it. For some reason I’ve _come to respect lieutenant Inghak very much.   *25th day of the same month* 
> Pirpuk has gone crazy. He runs around the forest, looks under rocks, picks up old half-rotten logs with a groan – he's looking for the hidden city. And during all of this he emits heart-rending shouts: «Gondolin! Come out! I saw you». We tried to knock him unconscious but he was too strong -- he broke free and ran away.   *29th* 
> Lieutenant Inghak is sent off, Urthang is sent in. This one is very clever, he drove us out of the swamps and led us to the mountains. I have a foreboding. What if we find them?  *30th* 
> When we came to the foothills of some extremely unattractive mountains, lieutenant sent us through the canyons at once. Pilhak, the poor guy, tumbled from a ledge into the chasm, landing with a splat. Urthang became very agitated after that, shouting that these are elven plots and that our goal is near. When half of the detachment was clinging, in a thin chain, to the mountain wall, that idiot Pirpuk came out of nowhere with his heart-rending: «Gondoliiin!». The troops fell off the cliff _like peas (This expression isn't idiomatic in English like the original Russian; you should find an "equivalent" for idiomatic expressions rather than translate literally. Literal translation usually doesn't make sense in the target language); we had to collect bodies until nightfall.

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## wanja

Is this better? 
The troops rained down from the cliff;

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## wanja

Next Part: *32nd day*
We found something. It doesn’t seem to be Gondolin but that was more than enough. Only three of us saved, only accidentally. Tilguk, the fine fellow, hacked his way to waterfall and leaped into it, having taken me with. After getting out, we met Urthang shaking off water. We took him with – in case of the extreme hunger on our way back.   *12th day of the 3rd month*
Sauron got aware that I can write and engaged me to his scientific department. It was organized by Big Boss’ order who was driven wild by our losses at Doriat frontier. It turned out, that elven archers shoot our guys down from their shelters with impunity. They shoot keen so however much iron our guys would hang on themselves, elves find a slot anyway. 
The first Sau’s invention was armor without any slots. Something like a solid-forged bucket is put on the orc in iron boots. A lance is put into the bucket and stiffly fixed. The result looks just like a walking coffeepot with a long handle. Marshaled in a row those coffeepots made a strong impression until they began moving. For they couldn’t march in step, well-disposed, and at one time, beginning at once to collide to each other and making at that a monstrous noise. The cross-country tests led to a much more pitiable result – in the background of the vulgar pan chatter, it turned out, that those teutons are unable to hold direction – after all, for utmost safety Sauron didn’t make eye openings in those tins. In five minutes coffeepots wandered off in all directions, colliding to one another and ringing just like crazed bells. 
The shame was impending but Sau didn’t got lost and placed a proposal. He proposed to forge stiffly two dozens of buckets into a rank for there was no possibility to wander off or to go in a wrong direction. Big Boss brightened up, smiths proceeded to work, and in two hours, the first hird in history was ready. Fourth platoon dived into their iron barrels – the steel wall moved against the enemy. Excited Sauron turning to boss began to pontificate something enthusiastically gesticulating and leaping sometimes – but the suddenly darkened Melcor’s phiz made him glance back. 
On its way, the hird ran into a small gully. The right wing, having abruptly lost ground underfoot, tumbled out of the shell to the earth. This edge of the battle supercoffeepot hanged aloft, formation bent, someone in the middle stumbled – and the iron wall turned upside down. From the left wing buckets people flew away, in the middle somewhere stuck up twitching legs. 
The Big Boss looked at Sauron expressively and went to the HQ. Sauron dragged himself after him, muttering on the way that if we put on the orcs boots with sharp spurs even such scattering can turn to our profit.   
Оригинал: *32-го числа* 
Чего-то нашли. Видимо, не Гондолин, но мало не показалось. Спаслись трое, и то случайно. Тилгук, молодчина, прорубился к водопаду и сиганул в него, захватив и меня. Выбравшись, встретили отряхивающегося Уртханга. Взяли его с собой — на случай крайнего голода на обратном пути.  *12 число 3 месяца* 
Саурон вызнал, что я умею писать и сосватал к себе в научную часть. Она была организована по приказу Большого Босса, которого взбесили наши потери на Дориатском фронте. Выяснилось, что эльфы-лучники безнаказанно расстреливают ребят из своих укрытий. Стреляют метко, так что сколько бы наши на себя железа не вешали, все равно они находят щелку. 
Первым изобретением Сау была броня вообще без щелей. На обутого в железные сапоги орка надевается нечто вроде цельнокованого ведра. В ведро вставлено и жестко закреплено копье. Результат очень смахивает на ходячий кофейник с длинной ручкой. Выстроенные в ряд, такие кофейники производили сильное впечатление — пока не начинали двигаться. Ибо идти в ногу, стройно и одновременно они не могли, тут же начиная сталкиваться друг с другом и производя при этом чудовищный шум. Пробы на пересеченной местности привели к еще более плачевному результату — на фоне пошлого кастрюльного дребезга выяснилось, что держать направление эти тевтонцы не способны — еще бы, ведь для большей безопасности Саурон не сделал в этих консервных банках отверстий для глаз. Не прошло и пяти минут, как кофейники разбрелись кто куда, сталкиваясь друг с другом и звеня как свихнувшиеся колокола. 
Дело запахло скандалом, но Сау не растерялся и тут же внес рацпредложение. Он предложил жестко сковать два десятка ведер в шеренгу, чтобы возможности разбрестись или пойти не туда просто не было. Большой Босс просветлел, кузнецы взялись за дело и через два часа первый в истории хирд был готов. Четвертый взвод нырнул в свои железные бочки — стальная стена двинулась на врага. Воодушевленный Саурон, повернувшись к Боссу, начал что-то вдохновенно вещать, размахивая руками и изредка подпрыгивая — но стремительно потемневшая физия Мелькора заставила его оглянуться. 
На пути хирда попался небольшой овражек. Правый фланг, вдруг потеряв почву под ногами, вывалился из скорлупы на землю. Этот край боевого суперкофейника повис в воздухе, строй перекосился, в середине споткнулись — и железная стена перевернулась. Из ведер левого фланга народ повылетал, в середине же над верхними обручами кое-где торчали дергающиеся ноги. 
Большой Босс выразительно посмотрел на Саурона и отправился в ставку. Саурон поплелся за ним, по дороге бубня, что если обуть орков в сапоги с острыми шпорами, то и такой разлет можно обернуть себе на пользу.

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## quartz

> Next Part:  *32nd day* 
> We found something. It doesn’t seem to be Gondolin but it was more than enough. Only three of us escaped but only accidentally. Tilguk, the fine fellow, hacked his way to the waterfall and leaped into it, _taking me with him. After getting out, we met Urthang who was shaking off water. We took him with us -- in case of _extreme hunger on our way back.  (sounds a little off but I'm not sure what to do with this)  *12th day of the 3rd month* 
> Sauron found out that I can write and recruited me to his scientific department. It was organized by the order of the Big Boss_ who was enraged by our losses at Doriat frontier. It turned out_ that elven archers shoot our guys _from their hiding places with impunity. They're extremely good shots so no matter how much iron our guys _hang on themselves, elves find a crack? anyway.   Sau's first invention was an armor without any cracks?. Something resembling a solid-forged bucket is put on an orc in iron boots. A well-secured lance is put into the bucket. The result looks a whole lot like a walking coffeepot with a long handle. Lined up in a row these coffeepots made a strong impression until they began moving. For they couldn’t march in step and would begin  colliding with each other at once while making a monstrous noise. The cross-country tests led to a much more pitiable result: in the background of the vulgar metallic chatter of the buckets, it turned out_ that these Teutons are unable to keep on course  because Sauron, for utmost safety,  didn’t make eye openings in those tins. In under five minutes the coffeepots wandered off in all directions, colliding with one another and ringing _like crazed bells.   It smelled like scandal, but Sau didn’t lose control and proposed a solution. He proposed to forge together two dozen_ buckets into a rank so there would be no possibilit of wandering off or of going in the wrong direction. Big Boss brightened up, blacksmiths got to work,and in two hours_ the first hird in history was ready. The fourth platoon dived into their iron barrels and the steel wall moved against the enemy. The excited Sauron, turning to the Boss, began to pontificate on something, gesticulating enthusiastically and sometimes leaping up  _but the suddenly darkened Melcor’s phiz made him glance back.   The hird encountered a small gully in its way. The right wing, having abruptly lost ground underfoot, tumbled out of the shell to the earth. This side of the battle supercoffeepot was hanging midair, the formation bent, someone in the middle stumbled – and the iron wall turned over. People (I thought they were orcs?! people are actual people) flew out of the left wing buckets and in the middle of the wall there were occassional twitching legs sticking out.  
> The Big Boss looked at Sauron emphatically and went to the HQ. Sauron dragged himself after him, muttering on the way that if we put  boots with sharp spurs on the orcs, even such scattering can turn to our profit.

 Again, you should _not_ tranlsate word-by-word. _Especially_ if you're even reproducing the original punctuation. The order of words in English is very different.

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## quartz

> Is this better? 
> The troops rained down from the cliff;

 yes

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## wanja

> We took him with us -- in case of _extreme hunger on our way back.  (sounds a little off but I'm not sure what to do with this)

 They were going to eat him in a pinch.  

> [color=#00BF00]People (I thought they were orcs?! people are actual people)

 is "guys" better?

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## wanja

Next part *22nd day of the 3rd month*
Sauron wanted to vindicate himself in Boss’ eyes very much so he prepared a surprise. The surprise was called the mini-orc. 
The matter of the fact, as Sau explained to me, was the following. Orcs are big so they are visible and so it is possible to hit them with an arrow. Hence if orcs would be small it would be harder to hit them. Therefore, we need two drugs: minimazine shrinking orc to the size of a cockroach and maxidrine returning the brave warrior his original size. But the aforesaid size return will be carried out in a deep enemy rear, which must result in an imminent victory. 
Inspired Sauron locked himself and me in a lab and began his experiments. I hardly had time to scribble formulas he dictated to me. Both minimazine and maxidrine were finished in a week. I offered discreetly to this Boyle-Mariotte to carry out tests in the lab but he didn’t listen to me and went to report to Boss at once. 
I don’t know, what he jabbered to him but when I and designated as guinea pigs eighth platoon appeared in the throne room the Big Boss’ brightening mug outshined the glitter of Silmarills in his headgear. He was fidgeting with impatience and ordered to go on to demonstration immediately. 
I took out the jar of minimazine and using a measuring spoon filled the first five with grey powder. Its taste caused narrow eyes of the subjects to look like deadlights, and then like round bottles put into eye-sockets. Minimazine had a quick effect – in a second there lied a pile of clothes and weapons of the first minimalists. The pioneers themselves got lost completely in their own belongings – Kuvrop, for example, was extracted from his own boot. Suffocated. 
The Big Boss darkened a bit. Sauron to relieve some awry impression blinked to me – come on, maximize them. And I began to push maxidrine into the little bastards. 
I understand them anyway – our Lomonossov hit upon the idea of making maxidrine in the form of capsules. The size of those capsules was exactly like a head of a minimized orc so it was very difficult to feed them with this potion. I nearly wringed Pitlokh’s neck, dislocated Rifzhikh’s and Pirkuth’s jaws, and only Fritluk contrived to go without my help – he, just like an adder, sucked in a giant – for him – pea. 
The result was not in coming – the four increased to their normal size. Or rather, nearly normal – as I thought, our Lavoisier made a mess both of dosage and mixture. Instead of classical proportions of gorilla, the subjects got a build of a spider, rather. At that, they had fallen away hair, teeth and something else. In short, Boss turned us out.  
Оригинал: *22 число 3 месяца* 
Саурон очень хотел реабилитироваться перед Боссом, и подготовил ему сюрприз. Сюрприз назывался миниорком. 
Суть дела, как мне объяснил Сау, в следующем. Орки большие, поэтому их видно, и поэтому в них можно попасть из лука. Следовательно, если орки будут маленькие, то попасть в них будет труднее. Отсюда возникает необходимость в двух препаратах — минимизине, уменьшающем орка до размера таракана, и максидрине, возвращающем храброму воину первоначальный размер. Hо означенное возвращение размера будет произведено в глубоком тылу врага, что неминуемо должно привести к победе. 
Вдохновленный Саурон заперся со мной в лаборатории и начал свои опыты. Я едва успевал строчить формулы, которые он мне диктовал. Не прошло и недели, как минимазин и максидрин были готовы. Я благоразумно предлагал этому Бойлю Мариотту провести сначала испытания в лаборатории, но он не слушал и сразу поперся докладывать Боссу. 
Я не знаю, что он ему наплел, но когда в тронной зале появился я и назначенный в подопытные кролики восьмой взвод, сияющая рожа Большого Босса затмевала блеск сильмариллей в его головном уборе. Он аж подпрыгивал от нетерпения и приказал немедленно приступать к демонстрации. 
Я вытащил банку минимазина и с помощью мерной ложки наполнил серым порошком первую пятерку. От его вкуса узкие глаза подопытных стали похожи сначала на иллюминаторы, потом на воткнутые в глазницы круглые бутылки. Минимазин подействовал резко — через секунду перед нами лежала кучкой одежда и оружие первых минималистов. Сами первопроходцы полностью потерялись в собственных шмотках — Кувропа мы, например, извлекли из его собственного сапога. Задохнувшегося. 
Большой Босс немного помрачнел. Саурон, чтобы скрасить несколько смазанное впечатление, мигнул мне — давай, мол, максимизируй. И я начал впихивать в маленьких поганцев максидрин. 
Вообще-то я их понимаю — максидрин наш Ломоносов додумался сделать в виде капсул. Размерами эти капсулы были точно в размер головы минимизированных орков, и поэтому накормить их этим снадобьем было трудненько. Питлоху я чуть не свернул шею, Рифжиху и Пиркутху вывернул челюсти, и только Фритлук умудрился обойтись без моей помощи — он, как удав, всосал в себя гигантскую — для себя — горошину. 
Результат не замедлил сказаться — четверка увеличилась до нормальных размеров. Вернее, почти до нормальных — как я и думал, наш Лавуазье напутал и с дозировкой, и с составом. Вместо классических пропорций гориллы подопытные приобрели стать, скорее, паука. При этом с них облетели волосы, зубы и еще что-то. Короче, Босс нас выгнал.

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## quartz

> Next part  *22nd day of the 3rd month* 
> Sauron wanted to vindicate himself in Boss’ eyes_ so he prepared a surprise. The surprise was called _mini-orc.   The idea, as Sau explained it to me, was the following. Orcs are big so they are visible and so it is possible to hit them with an arrow. Hence, if orcs were small, it would be harder to hit them. Therefore, we need two preparations: minimazine, which would shrink_ an orc to the size of a cockroach, and maxidrine, which would return_ the brave warrior to his original size. But the aforementioned size return would be carried out _deep behind enemy lines, which would necessarily result in an imminent victory.  
> Inspired, Sauron locked himself and me in the lab and began his experiments. I hardly had time to scribble down the formulas he dictated to me. Both minimazine and maxidrine were finished in a week. Sensibly, I suggested to this Boyle-Mariotte that we should first test the drugs in the lab but he didn’t listen to me and went to report to the Boss at once.  
> I don’t know_ what he blabbered to him but when I and the eighth platoon,  the designated _guinea pigs, appeared in the throne room, the Big Boss’ bright grin outshone the glitter of Silmarills in his headgear. He was fidgety with impatience and ordered us to begin the demonstration immediately.  
> I took out the jar of minimazine and with the help of a measuring spoon stuffed the first five orcs? with grey powder. Its taste made the narrow eyes of the subjects _look first like portholes? _ and then like round bottles put into eye-sockets. Minimazine had a quick effect – in a split second, a pile of clothes and weapons of the first minimalists was laying before us. The pioneers themselves got completely  lost in their own belongings – Kuvrop, for example, was extracted from his own boot. Suffocated.  
> The Big Boss darkened a bit. Sauron, in order to relieve the somewhat marred impression, winked at me – come on, maximize them. And I began to stuff maxidrine into the little bastards.   I understand them anyway – (this is a little strange) our Lomonossov hit upon the idea of making maxidrine in the form of capsules. The size of these capsules was exactly the size of a minimized orc's head so it was very difficult to feed this potion to them. I nearly wringed Pitlokh’s neck, dislocated Rifzhikh’s and Pirkuth’s jaws, and only Fritluk managed to get by without my help – he, just like an adder, sucked in a giant, for his size, pea.  
> The result was not slow in coming: the four increased to their normal size. Or rather, nearly normal. Just as I thought, our Lavoisier made a mess both of dosage and mixture. Instead of classical proportions of a gorilla, the subjects got a build more resembling that of a spider. In addition, they lost their hair, teeth and something else. In short, the Boss threw us out.

 
you're welcome

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## wanja

Next part: *28th day of the same month*
Sauron invited himself to demonstration once again. This time, he claimed that he took into consideration the lessons of previous experiments and the new model of _orcus minimaxicus_ is absolutely flawless. 
First, considering that weapon didn’t subject to minimization, he built awesomely looking steel jaws into the subjects. As he managed to find out this is the only thing which the minimized one can take with to his minimal world. 
Second, minimazine was handed as pills now, and maxidrine was liquid. 
Boss got interested. Our next five experimenters formed in a file and by command swallowed their pills. Or rather tried to swallow. Steel waffle irons botched in slapdash didn’t fully close up, the pill dangled between them like a poppy seed in a wash-basin. I had a bad presentiment but I had to relieve Sauron – I fished the capsules out, made the experimenters open their jaws wider, and threw the pills right onto their tongues. Binchukh, of course, choked at once, and his cough accompanied by clank of super-jaws stuck into my memory for a long time. 
The subjects had changed foot wraps providently so everybody got out alive. We evidently went too far with minimization: they were very small: like pin-head, not bigger. I caught one of them to my palm – that was Glokh, it seems to me but he used his jaws – it was bloody painful – and slipped away somewhere into the heap of clothes. 
I dropped some maxidrine onto a stone for they could take over their usual appearance. Minimalists swarmed around a puddle – a minute passed and another – nothing happened. My suspicions grew into certitude: the subjects couldn’t drink anything because of steel sinks fastened to their jaws. In addition, they had holes in lower jaws – just before the demonstration Sauron puttied them hurriedly, but the putty had already obviously fallen out. 
The Big Boss forbad Sauron to go in for chemistry ever since. Minimalists learnt to breed by some miracle and now they became a true pest of Angband. You just lay down and try to sleep and steel jaws stick into you and if you have time to light a candle you can see a dark shape bolting to a nearest crack. They seem not to disturb balrogs while Sau from then doesn’t have his sleep out. 
Оригинал: *28 число того же месяца* 
Саурон снова напросился на демонстрацию. На этот раз он заявил, что учел уроки предыдущих опытов и новая модель _оркус минимаксикус_ лишена каких-либо недостатков. 
Во-первых, ввиду того, что оружие минимизации не поддавалось, он встроил в подопытных устрашающего вида стальные челюсти. Как ему удалось выяснить, это единственное, что минимизируемый может взять с собой в свой минимальный мир. 
Во-вторых — теперь в виде таблеток выдавался уже минимизин, а максидрин представлял собой жидкость. 
Босс заинтересовался. Наша вторая пятерка экспериментаторов выстроилась в шеренгу и по команде заглотила таблетки. Вернее — попыталась заглотить. Наспех сляпанные стальные вафельницы смыкались не до конца, таблетка болталась между ними, как маковое зернышко в эмалированном тазике. У меня зародилось нехорошее чувство, но Саурона надо было выручать — я выловил капсулы, заставил экспериментаторов открыть пошире пасти и забросил таблетки прямо на язык. Бинчукх, конечно, сразу же поперхнулся, и его кашель, сопровождаемый лязгом суперчелюстей мне запомнился надолго. 
Подопытные предусмотрительно сменили портянки, так что наружу все выбрались живыми. С минимизацией мы явно переборщили — были они уж очень маленькие, с булавочную головку, не больше. Я поймал одного из них на ладонь — кажется, это был Глох, но он пустил в ход свои челюсти — больно, блин — и смылся куда-то в ворох одежды. 
Я покапал максидрином на камушек, чтобы они могли принять свой обычный вид. Минималисты закопошились у лужицы, минута, другая — ничего не происходило. Мои подозрения переросли в уверенность — выпить чего-либо из-за стальных умывальников, присобаченных к челюстям, подопытные не могли. Тем более, что в нижней челюсти у них были дыры — перед демонстрацией Саурон их наскоро замазал, но замазка, видимо, успела вылететь. 
С тех пор Большой Босс запретил Саурону заниматься химией. Минималисты каким-то образом научились размножаться, и теперь они стали форменным бедствием Ангбанда. Стоит лечь и попытаться заснуть — в тебя впиваются стальные челюсти, а если успеешь зажечь свечу, то можешь увидеть темную фигурку, удирающую в ближайшую щель. Барлогов они вроде не трогают, а вот Сау с недавних пор явно не высыпается.

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