# Forum Other Languages English for Russians - Изучаем английский язык Learn English - Грамматика, переводы, словарный запас  Beloved comic pioner George Carlin (1937 -2008)

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*Rest in Peace*  ::    *Keith Olbermann Tribute To George Carlin* http://youtube.com/watch?v=BCY40EIQ8Gk
___________________________________________   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mMuDmVPkWY   *Aselin Debison  *    *To Say Goodbye To You*  
Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights 
And send them dancing all across the night 
Maybe then when all the sky was blazing 
Maybe then I'd feel you somewhere 
Gazing at a star, 
And you could feel me too 
As I say goodbye to you  
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you  
Wish time could turn us back to yesterday 
The gods above would look the other way 
Maybe then we still could laugh together 
Maybe then it could be spring forever and a day 
But I must face the truth and say goodbye to you 
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you  
Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights 
And send them dancing all across the night 
Maybe then in my memories for saving 
One last time you're on the hill waving from afar 
One last glance or two and I'll say goodbye to you 
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

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George Carlin on Leno in 2006
The routine is called, "What Kind of Man?"...   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6J3OD4Z0UQ   
"*I'm a modern man...* 
I'm a modern man
A man for the millennium
Digital and smoke free 
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect 
I've been uplinked and downloaded
I've been inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading 
I'm a high tech lowlife
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond 
I'm new wave but I'm old school
And my inner child is outward bound 
I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer
Voice activated and biodegradable 
I interface from a database
And my database is in cyberspace
So I'm interactive
I'm hyperactive
And from time-to-time
I'm radioactive 
Behind the eight ball
Ahead of the curve
Riding the wave
Dodging a bullet
Pushing the envelope 
I'm on point
On task
On message
And off drugs
I got no need for coke and speed
I got no urge to binge and purge 
I'm in the moment
On the edge
Over the top
But under the radar 
A high concept
Low profile
Medium range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb
A top gun bottom feeder 
I wear power ties
I tell power lies
I take power naps
I run victory laps 
I'm a totally ongoing big foot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach
A raging workaholic
A working rageaholic
Out of rehab
And in denial 
I got a personal trainer
A personal shopper
A personal assistant
And a personal agenda 
You can't shut me up
You can't dumb me down
'Cause I'm tireless
And I'm wireless
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers 
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever
Laid back but fashion forward 
Up front
Down home
Low rent
High maintenance 
Super size
Long lasting
High definition
Fast acting
Oven ready
And built to last 
I'm a hands on
Footloose
Knee jerk
Head case 
Prematurely post-traumatic
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail 
But I'm feeling
I'm caring
I'm healing
I'm sharing
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver 
My output is down
But my income is up
I take a short position on the long bond
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow 
I read junk mail
I eat junk food
I buy junk bonds
I watch trash sports 
I'm gender specific
Capital intensive
User friendly
And lactose intolerant 
I like rough sex...
I like rough sex
I like tough love
I use the f word in my email
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn 
I bought a microwave at a mini mall
I bought a mini van in a mega store
I eat fast food in the slow lane 
I'm toll free
Bite sized
Ready to wear
And I come in all sizes 
A fully equipped
Factory authorized
Hospital tested
Clinically proven
Scientifically formulated medical miracle 
I've been pre-washed
Pre-cooked
Pre-heated
Pre-screened
Pre-approved
Pre-packaged
Post-dated
Freeze-dried
Double-wrapped
Vacuum-packed
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity 
I'm a rude dude
But I'm the real deal
Lean and mean
Cocked, locked and ready to rock
Rough tough and hard to bluff 
I take it slow
I go with the flow
I ride with the tide
I got glide in my stride 
Drivin' and movin'
Sailin' and spinnin'
Jivin' and groovin'
Wailin' and winnin' 
I don't snooze
So I don't lose
I keep the pedal to the metal
And the rubber on the road 
I party hearty
And lunch time is crunch time 
I'm hanging in
There ain't no doubt
And I'm hanging tough
Over and out" 
— George Carlin, Life is Worth Losing

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George Carlin: " *you can’t shut me up, and you can’t dumb me down*.”   
GEORGE CARLIN: *LIFE IS WORTH LOSING* (HBO)    
Part 4. "Part 4 is the segment where Carlin explains how the top 2% of the population ownes 98% of the wealth. That top 2% are the "Owners of the Country" They dont want you to see that part. Like putting a light on a cockroach. Not hard to figure out " what happened to part 4" the assholes that control everything dont want﻿ us to see it. teddyd30 (4 weeks ago) Show Hide +9 Marked as spam 
Reply Where﻿ the hell is part 4? " From Comments   
"There’s a reason that education sucks, and it’s the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better, don’t look for it. Be happy with what you’ve got. Because the owners of this country don’t want that. I’m talking about the real owners now, the big, wealthy, business interests that control all things and make the big decisions. 
Forget the politicians, they’re irrelevant. 
Politicians are put there to give you that idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations, and they’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State Houses, and the City Halls. They’ve got the judges in their back pockets. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all the news and information you get to hear. 
They’ve got you by the balls. 
They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want—they don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. You know something, they don’t want people that are smart enough to sit around their kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. 
They don’t want that, you know what they want? 
They want obedient workers, obedient workers. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. 
And now they’re coming for your social security money. 
They want your fucking retirement money; they want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you sooner or later because they own this fucking place. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it! You and I are not in the Big Club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you in the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to believe, what to think and what to buy. 
The table is tilted folks, the game is rigged. 
Nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Good honest hard working people, white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard working people continue, these are people of modest means, continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about…give a fuck about you! They don’t care about you at all, at all, at all. 
And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. 
That’s what the owners count on, the fact that Americans are and will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white, and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes everyday. Because the owners of this country know the truth, it’s called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. "

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* Saving the Planet  *  
"People walking around and all day long, every minute of the day - worried about EVERYTHING. Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens. Worried about radon gas. Worried about aspestos. Worried about saving "endangered species"... Let me tell ya about endangered species: 
Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature. It's arrogant meddling - it's what got us in trouble in the first place. Doesn't anybody understand that? Interfering with nature. Over 90%  of all the species that have EVER lived on this planet - EVER lived - are gone! They're exstinct - We didn't kill them all. They just disappeared... That's what nature does. They disappear these days at the rate of 25 per day, Regardless of our behaviour. Irrespective of how we act on this planet 25 species that are here today will be gone tomorrow. Let them go gracefully! 
Leave nature alone. Haven't we done enough? We're so self-important. Everybody's gotta save something now... Save the bees! Save the trees! Save the whales... Save those snails. And the greatest arrogance of all... Save the planet?! WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet, we haven't learned to care one another and we're gonna save the fucking planet? I'm getting tired o' that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day. I'm tired of these fucking self-righteous environmentalists.  
Besides, environmentalist don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live... Their own "Habitat". They're worried that someday in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened, self-interest doesn't impress me... Besides there is nothing wrong with the planet. 
The planet is fine. The people are fucked - difference. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. It's been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here what a hundred thousand? MAYBE two hundred thousand? We've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little more than 200 years. 200 years versus 4 and a half billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat?!  
The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds o' things worse than us; been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drifts, solar flares, sun spots, megnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles, hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors. Worldwide floods. Tidal waves. Worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages and we think that some plastic bags... Some plastic bags and some alluminium cans are going to make a difference?  
The planet isn't going anywhere... WE ARE. We're going away. Pack your shit folks. We're going away - and we won't leave much of a trace either, thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam - maybe.  Planet'll be here and we'll be LONG gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake."   
-The legend himself, Carlin-

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*On religion*: 
  
From http://www.rense.com/general69/obj.htm : 
" George Carlin 
On Religion 
ObjectiveThought.com
 12-23-5 
When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!  
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!  
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.  
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the r

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http://lingualeo.com/ru/jungle/georg...420012#/page/1   
George Carlin: *Doin' it Again* - 1990 
HBO Special 
Part 1.  
"Thank you, thank you, welcome to our show. Don't you think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger. Huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us? 
Now I'd like to begin tonight with an opening announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what it is I'm allowed to say. So..so, I now have my own official policy:  This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say: *"bottom line"*, *"game plan"*, *"role model"*,  *"scenario"*, or *"hopefully"*.  I will not *"kick back"*, *"mellow out"*, or *"be on a roll"*.  I will not *"go for it"* and I will not *"check it out"*;  I don't even know what it is. And when I leave here I definitely will not *"boogie"*.  I promise not to refer to anyone as a* "class act"*,  a *"beautiful person"*, or а *"happy camper"*.  I will also not be saying *"What a guy!"*. 
And you will not hear me refer to anyone's *"lifestyle"*.  (If you want to know what a moronic word 'lifestyle' is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an "*active outdoor lifestyle".*)
I will also not be saying any *"cute"* things, like, *"moi?"*. 
And I will not use the French adverb "tr

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" GEORGE CARLIN ON *THE 10 COMMANDMENTS*
from "Complaints and Grievances" 
(HBO special)  
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?  
You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:  
About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around. 
Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy. 
Let's start with the first three:  
I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME 
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN 
THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH 
Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next: 
HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER 
Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six. 
Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit. 
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL 
THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS 
Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5. 
And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together: 
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY 
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE 
Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four. 
But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3. 
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS 
This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet: 
THOU SHALT NOT KILL 
Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, MiddleEast, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments: 
Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. 
& 
Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you. 
Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: 
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself. "

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"The seven words you can never say on tv or radio"         http://www.lyricsbox.com/george-carlin- ... 8qwb7.html  http://www.erenkrantz.com/Humor/SevenDirtyWords.shtml

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http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y1dhlrLTcSc  (from "Napalm & silly putty") 
I had kind of an interesting morning this morning. I call it 'interesting', I use that word because I don't have a 'nice' day anymore. Frankly, I don't bother with them. I feel as if I've outgrown the nice day. Let someone else have a few. I've had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? So I feel I'm beyond the nice day now. 'Course people still want me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. "Have a nice day!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you give me my ******' change, please!" Some people are really insistent- "I said have a nice day!"
"Okay, okay goddammit, all right!" That's the trouble with 'have a nice day'; it puts all the pressure on you. Now you've gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time. All because of some loose lipped cashier. 'Have a nice day'...Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 63 nice days in a row. And, by God, I'm ready for a crappy day. Let someone wish me a crappy day. I never hear that. "Have a crappy day!" That's no problem at all. All you have to do is get up some mornings. There's no planning involved.  
Y'know the trouble with that 'nice day' stuff for me is that word 'nice'. It's just such a soft, kinda flabby word. There's no character to it. 'Nice'..."Isn't he 'nice'? Oh, he is so 'nice'! And she's 'nice', too! Isn't that 'nice'?" It's like 'fine'. "How are ya?" "Fine." BULLSHIT! Nobody's 'fine'. Hair is fine. "How's your hair?" "Fine!" That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are 'great'. Y'ever hear that? How are ya? "Great! This is great! Goddamn! This is great! Look! They're gonna kill that guy! Isn't that great?"
Not me. I'm not nice, I'm not fine, I'm not great. People ask me how I am, I say, "I'm fairly decent." No superlatives. Nothing to gossip about. I say,"I'm relatively okay." Or 'moderately neato'. Then they have to ask their children how I am. If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I'll look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not unwell, thank you." Which pisses them off 'cause they have to figure that one out for themselves. But anyway... 
Got into an argument this morning with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard- "Snap, Crackle, **** Him". I don't know which one of them said it, y'know. I was reaching for the artificial sweetener at the time and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, "Well, you can all just sit right there in the milk. Far as I'm concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that." A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. "Just sit in the milk!" Of course, dopey me, big punishment! That's what they do anyway. That's their job. Sitting in the milk. You've seen those Rice Krispies floating along. Little beige blisters of air...riding proudly in the milk. But you can't sink 'em. They oughta use 'em in life jackets; that's where they need 'em. You can't sink Rice Krispies. They float for a long long time. Rice Krispies would float for a week if you leave the dishes out...I do. Rice Krispies would float until you've gotta knock 'em off the side of the bowl. (chipping sounds) "What're you doing?" "Washing the dishes!" (chipping sounds) D'ja ever notice that the Rice Krispies highest on the bowl dry first? It's because they're closer to the sun. Isn't that interesting? Yes, there is a little science in the show each and every evening. But those Rice Krispies will float forever-well, you know what they do? They gather together. They gather together in little groups. Little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number. Little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can't sink 'em. You try to sink 'em with a spoon, they come up over the side. That's what the fruit is for. Sinking the Rice Krispies. A good size peach will take down eighty or ninety of 'em every time. If I'm really pissed, I'll drop a watermelon on 'em!
_______________________ 
Here is the whole book:  http://books.google.com/books?id=tAhEQKB1b8MC&pg=PA73&lpg=PA73&dq="they+lo  ve+to+push+back"&source=web&ots=zrozc10EDK&sig=xH2  P8c-hP8MmSzhgoISadX4f9sY&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&res  num=1&ct=result#PPA73,M1l]*Napalm** & silly putty*  By George Carlin
__________________________________________

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*On sports* http://youtube.com/watch?v=bVTsv8Dlyoc  
"...To my way of thinking there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.  
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These are my rules, I make 'em up.  
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest my case.  
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?  
Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?  
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.  
Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget, these are my rules. I make 'em up.  
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.  
Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.  
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don't care how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity. Period.  
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin' fencing bet?  
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.  
Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.  
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.  
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.  
In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.  
And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period. "

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*Pro Life is Anti-Women* (Back in Town)  
1/2   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Zy_1elMQxY
2/2   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNMxiKbgDJU  
" Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to **** in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked. 
Conservatives don't give a **** about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life...pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. 
Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they? They knew how to put on a ******* protest. Light yourself on FIRE! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly. 
Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the **** out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people. 
But let's get back to this abortion ****. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'we have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'we have three children?' People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along. 
And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says 'Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.' Fertilization. 
But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name. 
Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these ******* people alone, for Chrissakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about! 
So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say 'Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the **** stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.' I tell them 'Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is. Biological term limits.'  "

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## Lampada

the Top 100 Quotes of a man ahead of his time.  
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!  
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.  
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!  
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.  
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?  
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.  
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.  
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.  
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?  
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.  
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.  
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.  
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.  
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”  
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.  
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.  
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. 
And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.  
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.  
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.  
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.  
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.  
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.  
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”  
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.  
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.  
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.  
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.  
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.  
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.  
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.  
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.  
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?  
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?  
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.  
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.  
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.  
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.  
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.  
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.  
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.  
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.  
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.  
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.  
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”  
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.  
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.  
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.  
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.  
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.  
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.  
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?  
What year did Jesus think it was?  
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.  
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.  
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.  
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.  
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.  
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.  
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.  
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.  
The future will soon be a thing of the past.  
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.  
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.  
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.  
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.  
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.  
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.  
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!  
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.  
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”  
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.  
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.  
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.  
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?  
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.  
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.  
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.  
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.  
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.  
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.  
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.  
“No comment” is a comment.  
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.  
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.  
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.  
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.  
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.  
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?  
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.  
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.  
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.  
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!  
Hooray for most things!  
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.  
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.  
What was the best thing before sliced bread?  
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.  
Life is a zero sum game.  
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.  
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.  
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

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## Lampada

<strong>
 *   
On Death*:"...Sooner or later someone is bound to say the following... especially after a few drinks, 'you know, I think he's up there now, smiling down at us and I think he's pleased.' Now, first of all, there is no 'up there' for people to be smiling down from. It's poetic, it's quaint, and I guess for superstitious people it provides a little comfort, but it doesn't exist. But if it did, and someone survived death in a celestial form, I personally think he'd be far too busy with other activities then to be standing around in paradise smiling down. What kind of a fucking eternity is that... Why is it that nobody says 'I think he's down there now, smiling up at us.' Apparently it never occurs to anyone that there loved ones could be in hell. Your parents could be in hell right now... your father for sure. Hell is full of dads. ,,,"

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## Lampada

*George Carlin Remembered...*  http://youtube.com/watch?v=gUEiGoFYy9k 
And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way 
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way 
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way 
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way" 
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way! 
[instrumental] 
Yes, it was my way

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## Lampada

George Carlin *on white people*:

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## Lampada

*"Goodbye, George, and thanks for everything."* 
* "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."  
* "Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you." 
* "And Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate Special Prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate Special Prosecutors have had to look into the activies of the Attorney General. And the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!" 
* "[The Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime providing that street isn't Wall Street." 
* "How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!" 
* "Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people." 
* "Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason." 
* "'Happens to be.' 'He happens to be black.' Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandinavian!" 
* "No one is 'openly' black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just happens to be black." 
* "Whoever coined the term 'Let the Buyer Beware' was probably bleeding from the asshole." 
* "Here's another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna make them look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German." 
* "Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money." 
* "Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free." 
* "I'm never too busy that I can't stop to enjoy someone else's suffering." 
* "Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'" 
* "So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq, fuck him! If you don't want to get your head cut off, stay the fuck in Oklahoma! But if you're going to go into someone else's country carrying a weapon, you better expect some fucking action!" 
* "One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life terms, plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can't do that shit. In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu." 
* "I'm not giving anything back to the community. You know why? Because I didn't take nothing. You can search my fucking house." 
* "This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other and one of them says, 'Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.' 'Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.' 'Yeah, didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's Death, how, do you live with yourself?'" 
* "Every child is clearly not special." 
* "Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step One: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there, ya got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point." 
* "I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!" 
* "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to." 
* "For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label." 
* "When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend." 
* "Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time." 
* "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" 
* "You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up." 
* "Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out." 
* "This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'YOU GIVE US A COLOR, WE'LL WIPE IT OUT.'" 
* "Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money." 
* "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem." 
* "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers." 
* "I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it." 
* "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." 
" The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." 
* "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." 
* "I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious." 
* "I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it." 
* "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that." 
* "Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself." 
* "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it." 
* "A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt." 
* "As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is." 
* "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions." 
* "Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon - they all said, 'Try to live together peacefully.'" 
* "There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past." 
* "When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?" 
* "I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed." 
* "If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work." 
* "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." 
* "Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here." 
* "The planet is fine. The people are fucked." 
* "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'" 
* "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired."

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## Lampada

On *BS*:

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## Lampada

*Jammin' In New York*  *1992*  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui3l6A9lcNw   
George Carlin:    It's the first war we ever had that was on every channel, plus cable.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: This country has only been around for 200 years, and we've already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we're good at it.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on the airport announcements] 
George Carlin: About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. "Get on the plane. Get on the plane." I say, "fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!"  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on airline announcements] 
George Carlin: "In the unlikely event..." This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming, as it does, from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times. "In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure..." ROOF FLIES OFF! "An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile-an-hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also SHIT normally! RIGHT IN MY PANTS!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off. "Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board." Well, let's start with "immediate seating area." SEAT! It's a god damn seat! Check around your seat! "For any personal belongings..." Well, what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal? PUBLIC belongings? Do these people honestly believe I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park? "... you might have brought on board." Well... I MIGHT have brought my arrowhead collection! I didn't. SO I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK FOR IT! I'm going to look for things I BROUGHT on board! It would seem to increase the likelihood of my finding something, wouldn't you say?  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: Here's one they just made up: "near miss". When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. It's a near hit. A collision is a near miss!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: People add words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process." Sounds important; it isn't. It's just a bunch of people getting on an airplane! People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about "shower activity". Sounds more important than "showers." I even heard one guy on CNN talk about a "rain event". 
[laughter] 
George Carlin: I swear to God, he said, "Louisiana is expecting a rain event." And I thought, "Holy shit, I hope I can get tickets to that!"  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: They tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. I do this immediately! 
[mimes looking for the exit] 
George Carlin: I locate my nearest emergency exit, and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route. It's not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there's a really big fat fuck sitting right in front of you. Well, you know you'll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can't move too well; the emotionally disturbed come in VERY handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you'll get out of the plane a lot God damn quicker, believe me. I say, "Let's see... I'll go around the fat fuck... step on the widow's head... push those children out of the way... knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others." 
[laughter] 
George Carlin: I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big cocksucker standing on my head. I must get out of the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a Dr. Pepper, and call the police.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: Have you ever been talking to yourself, and someone else enters the room, and you have to make believe you were singing? 
[Laughter] 
George Carlin: And you hope to God the other person REALLY believes there's a song called "What Does She Think I Am, Some Kind of Putz"? 
[Laughter]  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the Safety Lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride! I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seatbelts! Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings... many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: [on flight attendants] Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as "uniformed crewmembers". Ah, uniformed, as opposed to the guy sitting next to me in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the Fuck You hat... who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua, I might add.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Carlin: The planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE! Pack your shit, folks. We're goin' away.

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## Lampada

On voting (with subtitles):      
On what will be on his gravestone:   http://youtube.com/watch?v=7iV7PdPteAU

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## Lampada

George Carlin - Tribute (Compilation)  
Part 1 (1962-1977)   
Part 2 (1978-1984)    
Part 3 (1986-1990)   
'...America and war….
 It’s the old American double standard, you know, say one thing, do something different. And, of course, the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of a slave owners who wanted to be free, so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give up a color, we’ll wipe it out. You got it.
So, anyway, about eighty years after the Constitution is ratified, eighty years later, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it, of course. Just sort of on paper. And that was, of course, during the Civil War. Now, there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: civil war. Do you think any country could really have a civil war? “Say, pardon me” [gun shots]—“I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry.” Now, of course, the Civil War has been over for about 120 years, but not so you’d really notice it, because we still have these people called Civil War buffs, people who thought it was a really keen war, and they study the battles carefully, and they try to improve on the strategies and the tactics to increase the body count, in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact, some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say? Use live ammunition, [bleep], would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool.
But what do you expect? Hey, come on, this is a warlike country. We come from that northern European, basically the northern European genes, the blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy everybody in the world learned real quick, didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north, you better nail everything down [bleep]. Nail it down, strap it down, or they’ll grab it. If they can’t take it home, they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it, they’ll [bleep]. That’s what happened to us. And it’s a warlike country. C’mon, I mean, forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is warlike. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country, we declare war on it. The war on poverty, the war on drugs, the war on crime, the war on AIDS, the war on cancer. We’ve got the only national anthem that mentions [bleep] rockets and bombs in the [bleep] thing. You know what I mean? 
Language in Amerca…GEORGE CARLIN: When I was a little kid, if I got sick, they wanted me to go to the hospital and see the doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery processional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they’re broke! They’re broke. They don’t have a “negative cash flow position.” They’re [bleep] broke! ‘Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired? Management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the work force.
Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people. Or they de-populate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it. 
 ..."  
Part 4 (1992-1999):   
Part 5 (2001-200 :: :

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## Lampada

On boys' names:

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## Lampada

One more tribute:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=z6qqkuUASuA

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## Lampada

On child worship:    
"A type of bullshit I hate more than religion (and I will get to that later) is called child worship. These obsessive diaper sniffing pro parents who have a accessive devotion to children. When you think of parents and you think of bullshit you'll realize those are two things that are hardly ever mutually exclusive. These people are over managing and over scheduling their kids and robbing them of their innocence and youth. Even the simple act of playing has been taken from them. It's taken away and made to fit mommy or daddy's schedule in the form of play dates. Something that should be spontaneous and free, and not rigidly planned. I mean when can a kid just sit in his front yard with a fuckin stick? Just sit there in the dirt with a fuckin stick. Do parents let todays kids know what a stick is? I asked my dad to play with me and he'd give me a fuckin stick to play with. I'd look at the stick, then look at the dirt, then I'd dig a fuckin hole. Kids don't get to have sticks anymore. I don't think theres any sticks left for them. Maybe the parents had them reaclled due to led paint. I was 4 when I had my stick, but 4 year olds shouldnt be wasting their time with sticks they should be at home studying for their kindegarden entrance exams. Anyone else heard of this shit? they have them now. It's fuckin ridiculous. I mean this poor little shit he just now learning how to locate his dick and now he's already being pressured to succeed at 4 years old. Isn't this a sophisticated form of child abuse? That's all it really is. Speaking of child abuse. After kindegarden his next stop is grade school. There he won't be able to play tag because his parents feel it encourages victimization. He won't able to play dodgeball either because the parentals feel it's exclusionary and it promotes aggression. They feel standing around is still okay. But it won't be for long because after a while the boy's foot will fall asleep and the parents will sue the school and it's bye bye to fucking standing around. Don't think all hope is lost. All hope isn't lost yet. When he does get to play, whatever he is allowed to play the child will never lose. The parents and the boy knows he will never lose because in todays america no child loses. There aren't any losers anymore. Everyones a winner. No matter what game they play everyone wins. Everyone wins, everyone gets a trophy, no ones a loser. Children today don't get to hear those all important character building words I heard from my father. He would look at me and say "You lost, Nick! You lost it for the team! Your a loser, son!" They miss out on that now. They tell the kid who lost now "You were the last winner". These kids wont get to hear the truth about themselves until there in their 20's. When the boss calls them into his office and says "Nick, clean your shit up and get the fuck out! Your a loser!". Now the parents of kids today will be lost when they try to figure out why their kid can't hold a job. In school he was always on honor roll. What they don't get is that in todays schools everyones on the honor roll. There on the honor roll because in order to be on it all you have to do is maintain a body temperature in the 90's. God help these kids if they lose and ounce of self esteem. The kid my shoot up his fuckin elementary school with a fuckin b.b. gun. They think it's appauling for a kid to think down about themeselves. Well, all there doing is setting the kid up for failure. If you tell the kid he won't fail then what happens when he gets out in the world and fails and doesn't know how to handle it? He might kill himself. Oh but thats okay because he's not a kid anymore he's just another statistic. he won't matter to those conservative assholes then. But lets not worry about the kid's school progress because come summer time he's off to camp. But he won't be swimming or hiking or playing baseball, no. Today's kids are sent away to lose weight. They're sent to fat camp or violin camp or ceramics camp or computer camp or leadership camp. Whatever the fuck that is. Isn't that where hitler's mom sent him?  Specialized structured camps. They gotta keep that little fucker busy dont they? The parents wouldnt want him to sneak off any free unstructured time to wonder in the woods. That wouldnt be good. God knows the kid might start jacking off. All this bullshit that kids have been crippled by comes out of the self esteem movement. It began in or around 1970 and I'm happy to say it was a complete failure. I'm glad because studies have shown that having high self esteem doesnt improve grades, career acheivment, it doesnt even lower alcohol use, and certainly doesnt decrease incidents of violence that occur. Because oddly enough extremely violent & aggressive people think very highly of themselves! Imagin that shit. Sociopaths have high self esteem. Who have fuckin thought of that? I love to see these politically correct ideas crash and burn. Like playing mozart during pregancy to make the child smarter. This is just plain old fuckin stupid. Well, it didn't work. All it did was sell a lot of cd's and piss off a lot of fetuses. This movement revolved around one idea, one notion, that every child is special. If you've ever heard this notcie they say over and over, like they're trying to convince themselves. I hard a woman talk about this once and in my head I was saying "fuuuuucckk you!".  Every child is clearly not special. have you seen one of these kids? There fucking goofy looking. There way to small, their head's dont fit their bodies, they can't walk a straight line, when they talk it sounds like they have a mouth full of shit. They're incomplete. It's unfinished work. I don't give credit for incomplete work. P.T. Barnhum and his circus act might think they're special but not me. But I'm gonna follow this theory and see where it ends up. If every child's special then is every adult special? If not then at what age to you go from special to not special? Then if we're all special that means the whole idea loses its fucking meaning! Here's another platitude they throw at you "Children are our future". I can counter this with flawless logic. By the time the future gets here they won't be kids anymore so you can fucking blow me! They try to make raising a kid seem like the hardest shit in the world. It's not. All you have to do is follow the 3 steps. Step 1: Put your kid out on a street corner. Step 2: Come back a week later. Step 3: If the kids still there you got yourself a stupid fuckin kid. Just proceed from that point. So go ahead and send your child to school (which is nothing more than an indoctrination center where kids are sent to be stripped of their individuality and turned into the obedient soul dead conformist memeber of this american consumer culture) and watch how he fuckin turns out. Just so you be one of those empty parents who has to validate themselves through their childs acheivements. You'll have those bumper stickers that say "We are the proud parent of an honor student". It doesnt matter where to send them because they are ultimately doomed. It's all bullshit and it's bad for ya."

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## Lampada

Carlin on Carlin:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=rn6roeUfMio 
"The Archive of American Television conducted the last in-depth interview with the great comedian George Carlin on December 17, 2007, for nearly four hours in Venice, CA. In this excerpt, Carlin talks about the change in his act from a 'mainstream' television comic to the 'counterculture dean', with the dramatic changes in his standup persona occurring before millions on television. ..."
Зкш
Part 1/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFOC72DRPWY    29:25 
Part 2 & 3/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HreYDSgW ... jqVycMWR4A   59:44 (Private)
Part 4/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqhOzbDG ... jqVycMWR4A     25:34 
Part 5/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XUZVusI ... jqVycMWR4A     29:48  
Part 6/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_tI55SW ... jqVycMWR4A     29:35 
Part 7/7   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Vlv7nt ... jqVycMWR4A     7:52

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## Lampada

On time:    
"..."I've been standing in this line FOREVER!"  He looks fairly fresh to me. ..."

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## Lampada

"Words are everything"

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## capecoddah

I always liked Baseball/Football

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## Lampada

George Carlin talks *about cats*  
A cat does not accept blame for anything. A cat will not show embarrassment. If a cat does something stupid, you know, like running across the carpet and hitting a glass door that didn't know it was closed, it will go like this, it will go: "I meant that. I meant that. I meant that. That is exactly what I wanted to do."

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## Lampada

*CNN LARRY KING LIVE*   
George Carlin Discusses 'Silly Putty and Napalm'
Aired June 8, 2001 - 21:00   ET  
GEORGE CARLIN, COMEDIAN: Takes the cake! You know, say, boy, he really takes the cake. Where? Where do take a cake? To the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes.  
LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight, he's a comedy legend who says just when he discovered the meaning of life, they changed it!  
George Carlin for the hour! We'll take your calls. Get ready, next on LARRY KING LIVE. 
We go back forty years, George Carlin and I, when he used to appear on my radio show and television shows in Miami. The famed comedian writer and actor has the No. 1 book in America, "Silly Putty and Napalm." No. 1 on the "New York -- now No. 2?  
CARLIN: "Napalm and Silly Putty."  
KING: Oh, the other way around -- I'm sorry.  
BLAKE: You've always been correcting me. 
CARLIN: I'm a corrector.  
KING: They put it down wrong. "Napalm and Silly Putty." Your other book, "Brain Droppings:" 40 weeks on the list. 
CARLIN: Forty weeks on the list. 
KING: Are you first a writer now?  
CARLIN: I'm -- no, I perform, of course.  
KING: Are you a writer who performs?  
CARLIN: Well now I see myself as a writer who performs his own material, rather than a comedian who writes for himself. And it came as a result of doing the first book and now this one. There's just such a joy in it, to move the words around and, you know, I used to write just for ear, for people to hear and to see on stage. And now you write for the eye and you write something that people can look at again, and over and over and it's going to be there 20 years from now to look at so, you take care with it. My family gave me a real love of language, so I have learned in the later part of my life here -- so far later, I mean it's the middle for me -- that I can write and I love it and I got a little better the last five years, just by doing it.  
KING: I want to talk about the book and about lots of things. But first, your impressions of this administration. We are getting a lot of impressions from some of our great comedic minds. 
CARLIN: Great comedic minds -- you got one in the White House already, a great comedic mind. George Bush is an imbecile. I mean to me... 
KING: He's a what?  
CARLIN: An imbecile. It's kind of interesting to me that his mother, her big -- you know the first lady always has to have a charity. Well, what are you going to do? I'll have poor people -- OK, what about you? -- I'll have -- the drapes look bad -- whatever it was.  
Apparently this did not apply to her own family, you know. And the interesting thing is, I've got a friend, Herb O'brien, he's a smart guy. Herb calls him Governor Bush because he says that is only office he was ever elected to. That's nice, isn't it? And don't forget, he is Bush second in line. Something happens to Cheney -- bing -- this guy's the president.  
That came from Tony Hendren. I take a lot of good lines... 
KING: You steal, George? 
CARLIN: I don't do political humor. So I do love a line that says everything in a couple words.  
KING: How would you describe what you do?  
CARLIN: I have three things I draw from -- always have. The English language, like the "takes the cake" thing. I love inspecting and taking apart language, things we say, trendy talk sometimes, old sayings, whatever. And then, the little world, the kind of world Jerry Seinfeld investigated to a great high level. What's in the ice box, how you drive, pets, the things in your life, things we all know.  
And then what I call the big issues, but not topical. Not political in the small sense. Genocide, is good, love, you know, hatred, people dying, people getting killed, race 
KING: War. 
CARLIN: War.  
KING: Sports? CARLIN: Anything that is stuff that will never be solved.  
KING: Why not political?  
CARLIN: Because I don't like topical. I don't mind political if I have something to say, but it's usually topical. Most political humor -- if you are talking about partisan politics, the two parties, that kind of politics, then I don't do it. But the stuff that I do is kind of political anyway, because it's about things that people argue about all the time and about social issues. But I don't like topical humor because you got to throw it away after a couple weeks. 
KING: You never hold back. You're critical of religion.  
CARLIN: Yes, I don't believe in God, and I think that it is a big scam. You can believe in God, and nobody thinks you're nuts. And there is no evidence for him at all. If you believe in UFO's, no evidence for that either, they think you are nuts. And it is the same kind of -- it's just a belief, it's a superstition.  
You say, OK, well there will be an invisible guy, and he will help me when I need it. Fine. I think there is little guys in things flying around, but they say well you can't have that. If you are professor you can't that say.  
KING: You grew up strict catholic though, didn't you?  
CARLIN: I grew up Catholic with a twist you know, it was a very progressive school. It wasn't like the old.  
KING: Oh, really?  
CARLIN: No home -- we had a little homework, not much. No report cards of any kind, no quizzes, none of that stuff. This was a progressive school across from Teachers College in Columbia University. And our pastor insisted having no corporal punishment, no one was ever hit in those 8 grades. The kids wore their own clothing -- no uniforms -- and the boys and girls were together in class, and everything was open to discussion. It was called Corpus Christi School. Still does a great job turning out kids who think for themselves and have a little shot you know at having their religion, but still being free people. 
KING: Now, let's go back, because we are going cover a lot of bases. When I first met George Carlin and watched you work, you were a straight comic -- suit and tie.  
CARLIN: So was the whole world, so was the whole world.  
KING: You came out an you did the 20 minutes, the 30 minutes. You used to do disc jockey stuff -- Wonderful Wino. Give me that. Here's what George Carlin used to do.  
CARLIN: hey with the big sounds and the big charts and the big tunes guys here, we're here with -- (DISTORTED NOISES) -- (singing): Wonderful Wino. That was a media take off, obviously a D.J. I used to do five, six-minute hunks that were media takeoffs. I did the news, sports, and weather. That is where All Sleet, the Hippy Dippy Weatherman came from -- hey, baby, what's happening -- You know I was a pothead long before it was cool.  
And I did movie preview type stuff, quiz show takeoffs, soap operas, anything about the media was kind of what I did in little hunks. In 30 minutes I would do six hunks.  
KING: I want to find out in a minute when you got controversial, because I know that you kind of... 
CARLIN: I got more personal. 
KING: You followed Lenny Bruce.  
CARLIN: Lenny was of course a guy for the 50s, and into the 60s. I broke out in the 70s.  
KING: Yeah, but middle 60s you caught on, right?  
CARLIN: Yes, as a straight and tie, that's when I got hot for the first time as a regular mainstream act, '65.  
KING: Had an album.  
CARLIN: Had an album, I did, well I did every TV show.  
KING: Look at the way he looked, folks.  
CARLIN: Look at the guy. 
KING: The George Carlin glossy.  
CARLIN: Yes, the 8x10. That's a fairly nice shot.  
KING: Looked a little like Bobby Darrin.  
CARLIN: Bobby and I shared a birthday, if not a month. I think he's a Taurus, you can tell. 
KING: You can tell Taruses? 
CARLIN: Yes, sometimes I just go off into a strange area and you've got to pull me back.  
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin. The book is "Napalm And Silly Putty."  
CARLIN: Thank you.  
KING: And don't go away.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) CARLIN: In your own words. People that say that to you? You know when you hear that a lot? In a classroom, or in a courtroom. They will say to you, "Tell us in your own words."  
Do you have your own words? Hey, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say, "nic flot flarney quando floooo."  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Another dumb rule I thought was, no singing at the table. Why? No singing at the table! Why? Because I said so. First sign of a dumb rule.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: When did you drop the whole beard with the hair and... 
CARLIN: When did I grow it? 
KING: You still have the beard, but you had the... 
CARLIN: Oh,the hair was longer. My hair's gone in and out, you know, long and short, long and short, depending on how bothersome it got. It can be long. When it's long, it can be in your way. So, that was just -- that's a phase. It comes and goes. Doesn't mean anything.  
KING: When, George, you really burst was the seven dirty words you can't say on -- the seven words you can't say... 
CARLIN: Well, no. It was one album before that. That came -- I sold -- I had a gold album before that album hit. So nobody can hang that on me, that, oh, it was just the dirty words. I was rolling, but it was a big hit.  
KING: How did you get that idea of that, to say the seven words you can't say? 
CARLIN: Well, because I had spent so much time as a straight suit-and-tie guy, you know, with this leftover '50s was what the '60s -- the early '60s were really nothing but the leftover '50s and nothing really in until the mid-'60s up in Berkeley. And then '67 was the summer of love. 
So I was -- I lived through that, and then all the TV I did, you know, they'd want to hear everything. And I didn't want to say anything filthy. It's just that you had to go through all this stuff. And I always was a guy who just thought about stuff, and language especially. So I decided I would take a look at which ones you could never say, because some of them you could say. Like bitch, you could talk about a dog. You could say, well, the bitch is in this litter, the bitch (UNINTELLIGIBLE). You could say bastard. William the Conqueror was a bastard.  
But certain words never, and I wanted to know what they were. And I figured out the seven of them and I threw them out in the next package. And they had rhythm, they had a rhythm to it.  
KING: Radio stations couldn't play it.  
CARLIN: Radio stations, some did play it. And what happened was a station in New York played it. And the FCC -- one complaint, New York City, probably 25 million radios, 25 million radios, one complaint, a professional moralist, a guy from Morals and Media, with his son in the car. And he let the son listen. Apparently, they were not morally corrupted by this act. 
But he listened long, he listened to the whole thing, complained to the FCC. They sanctioned the station, WBAI, tried to fine them or give them a black mark. They went to court and they won at the first level. The district court in D.C. they won 2-1. And then they got to the Supreme Court, five years later, and in 1978 the Supreme Court said 5-4 these words were indecent. They made up a whole new category of filth for me. It wasn't obscene -- indecent. And they said you can't play it when kids might listen. 
And that's -- that's the rule they have, and they recently finally published the guidelines for it about 20 years later.  
KING: You still can't say them? 
CARLIN: You still can't say them. And... 
KING: You can on HBO.  
CARLIN: The only one you can -- yeah, of course, cable is -- ooh, cable was great for my career, because I could -- I could have -- first of all, not just what you can say. You can say everything, you can talk about anything on cable. But there's no interruption, you know, like commercial television every 12 minutes they're coming back. Well, he's -- we're going to sell you some tires, hold on, he'll be right back. 
But here, you know, cable you get the flow. So I've got 11 HBOs under my belt. I'm going to do No. 12 come November. 
But whatever I was talking about -- I can't remember, but it was really good. It was really good... 
KING: Now, Lenny Bruce could have worked today.  
CARLIN: Lenny Bruce could have worked unhassled, unharassed... 
KING: And they arrested him for... 
CARLIN: ... by the Catholic Church... 
(CROSSTALK) 
KING: ... they arrested him for things Eddie Murphy is saying on... 
CARLIN: Yeah. Oh, and Lenny would, you know, would have had because he -- he had such grace of thought. You know, he had just an agile, wonderful mind. And he would probe and poke, you know, and he had just a wonderful way -- a genius, of course. But it was just so satisfying to watch. I was a young, aspiring comedian, and then a young comedian, too.  
KING: He helped you.  
CARLIN: He helped Burns and I. Jack Burns and I had two years together. 
KING: You were an act. 
CARLIN: Burns and Carlin, we were an act. Burns and Carlin. We did well. We did Parr after seven months in the business. We had an album first year. We did well for two years, Jack Burns and I. 
And what happened was we were in a coffee house down not far from here at -- between Hollywood and Sunset on (UNINTELLIGIBLE). And it was a place called the Cosmo Alley, and we were working in this coffee house, first job ever, 1960.  
Our manager, Murray Becker (ph), knew Lenny from the Navy, and I used to do an impression of him in the act. So he brought Lenny in to see the impression but hoping Lenny would like us. Lenny called GAC the next day -- that was a big agency; they were like William Morris is today. GAC, the guy, the president of GAC signed us the next day. Well, it took a couple of days to sign. 
The next day we got a telegram, they want to sign us (UNINTELLIGIBLE) based on Lenny Bruce's rave reaction. And that started us and that started my own career.  
KING: And when we come back, we're going to get George going on lots of topics, from sports to life to his own philosophy of things. We'll also include your phone calls. He's got the No. 1 book in America, "Napalm and Silly Putty." He's George Carlin. Don't go away. 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about, the baby boomers. Whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Give me it. It's mine. Give me that. It's mine." 
These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them. And they took it all, took it all: sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. And they stayed loaded for 20 years and had a free ride. But now they're staring down the barrel of middle-age burnout and they don't like it. They don't like. So they turn self-righteous and they want to make things hard on younger people. 
They tell them abstain from sex, say no to drugs. As for the rock'n'roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago so they could buy pasta machines and Stair Masters and soybean futures. Soybean futures.  
(APPLAUSE) 
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Swimming! Swimming isn't a sport! Swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's common sense! 
(APPLAUSE) 
Sailing. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn't a sport. Why the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) should sailing be a sport? 
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: By the way, the George Carlin collection is available on VHS and DVD from MPI Home Video. 
You often compare baseball and football of why baseball is peaceful... 
CARLIN: Pastoral, 19th century.  
KING: Football is war.  
CARLIN: Football is 20th century technological. Baseball is played on a diamond. Football is played on a gridiron. Baseball is played in a park. Football is played in a stadium. Football, you wear a helmet. 
(AUDIO GAP) 
CARLIN: ... a few years, and I refined a little bit later. 
KING: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) score? 
CARLIN: But it was a whole thing about to drive the team into enemy territory using long bombs and short bullet passes to knock holes in the front line, in the enemy trench. In baseball, the object is to go home and to be safe. 
(LAUGHTER) 
To be safe at home. 
I wish I had had the setup for it right. 
KING: Boy, you think of those things. It's great the way you came up... CARLIN: I just love looking at language. My family gave me back, genetically and a little bit of reinforcement. 
KING: He referred to it earlier, I want to show it to you now, a wonderful (UNINTELLIGIBLE). This was the weatherman on television. 
CARLIN: Al Sleet. 
KING: Al Sleet. Watch this, folks. This is early George Carlin. 
CARLIN: Early. 
KING: Watch. 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: I'd like to apologize for the weather, especially to the former residents of Rogers, Oklahoma. 
(LAUGHTER) 
Caught them napping. 
(LAUGHTER) 
I see the radar tonight is picking up a line of thundershowers, which extends from a point 9 miles south-southeast of Chester, Pennsylvania a along line and 6 miles either side of a line to a point 8 miles north-northeast of (UNINTELLIGIBLE), New Jersey.  
However, the radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs.  
(LAUGHTER) 
So I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers.  
(LAUGHTER) 
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: You got Carson on the floor.  
CARLIN: When he disappears from view, you know you are doing all right.  
KING: The hippy-dippy weatherman.  
CARLIN: Al Sleet, the hippy-dippy weatherman. He -- that was a rather restrained version, because he was really out of it later, when he would say: "Tonight, the weather, you notice, is dominated by a large -- large -- Canadian -- sorry, Canadian low, which is not to be confused with a Mexican high." He was a pothead, and kind of like nobody knew that during the show. KING: You have said -- I'm going to figure out some things -- that even in "Napalm and Silly Putty," you think Americans are getting stupider.  
CARLIN: Yeah, I think -- I think the way the education system works, it's just indoctrination. They are just produce little consumers of goods and producers of goods. And now they educate to the test, I mean, you know, just to pass the test, not the love of knowledge and not...  
KING: Study to pass the test.  
CARLIN: Yeah. I think Americans are -- you hear politicians say this, they love to roll this one out, a couple times a week -- American people are a lot smarter than they are given credit for. And I think it's exactly the opposite. They are a lot stupider than they are given credit for, they really are.  
You know, you just look at them on the street, you say, jeez, you know -- and stuff they do, the stuff they buy! All the care about is getting a salad shooter, getting sneakers with lights in them, that's a big thing. Somebody got a jet ski, you got to get a jet ski! It's dumb. You know, they should develop their minds and their...  
KING: Well, how did that happen? 
CARLIN: Because everything is commercial, everything is to sell something now. The whole world -- they are going to, sooner or later, people are going to be born in this country, they are going to have a bar code. They tattoo a bar code on your arm when you are born, and maybe put a chip in your head, and track you your whole life. I'll bet you could get your kid, you sell a logo to tattoo on his forehead, $50,000 college for your college education, Coca-Cola comes off in 20 years. You know, it just fades way.  
I bet you they can do it. You could sell -- you know what you could probably sell in this country? Fried chicken heads. Just heads. Because they would buy it. They would say: "How much is that? $1, oh, get two, get one for me. People are stupid. They don't know -- they don't think about anything.  
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin, we will be including your phone calls. This is LARRY KING LIVE, don't go away.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Now, there is one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about**: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents, and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens.  
This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces. Garbage in, garbage out!  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Fine and dandy. That's an old-fashioned one. Say to a guy, "How are you?" He says, "fine and dandy." Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I'm never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: Can't hear it. OK, we lost sound somewhere.  
CARLIN: And that was a good piece too, Larry.  
KING: That was a good piece, George.  
CARLIN: God, we missed that one.  
KING: I don't know what happened.  
CARLIN: It will be on later on someone else's show.  
KING: OK. We will roll it later. It was...  
CARLIN: Fine and dandy.  
KING: Who do we blame for that? We got to blame someone. The media?  
CARLIN: That is actually a National Security Agency, Larry, those people in Maryland, Fort Detrick, Maryland.  
KING: They cut that off.  
CARLIN: That's right. Because they knew I was going to reveal...  
KING: What do you make of all this fuss about the greatest generation, Brokaw, World War II, the guys who fought?  
CARLIN: Yeah. You know what? We can't leave anybody alone who is dead in this country. You've got to have a fence somewhere with teddy bears on it and ribbons. You ever notice this? We got to have a war building, we got to have a war -- Vietnam -- everybody's war, they want one.  
(CROSSTALK) 
KING: But it makes you feel...  
CARLIN: Yeah, well, it makes you feel like people got killed, you know. I mean, the Civil War, you can't go to any place without a Civil War thing. Leave these people alone! Leave these people alone, you know! I mean, this stuff, the fence -- well, we've got to have more -- let's have another war so we can have more dead people, and we will make a new memorial! It's just stupid, it's crazy. I understand you want to grieve a little, fine, keep it at home.  
This stuff in the street, John F. Kennedy Jr., oh we are going to light a candle, make a wish, going to write a poem, it's supersentimental kitsch, it's emotional kitsch, and I don't care for it personally. Leave these dead people alone! They are gone, that the point of being dead. I'm gone, leave me alone! I'll bet if you asked them, they would go, we need a memorial. I'll bet you, they would say we need a memorial. That's my feeling.  
KING: Capital punishment.  
CARLIN: You know what? We don't have the courage of our convictions in this country. People want everybody to, you know, go kill a guy, go kill the guy, what you should do is make a little entertainment, make some money on this thing, you can pay down the Social Security, you save.  
KING: How?  
CARLIN: Well, here is what you do. For instance, you get 500 guys who were condemned, you hold them up, you keep -- you save them, and you electrocute them all in one room at the same time, different chairs. You charge money. Budweiser would sponsor this in a minute.  
Here's another thing. You got the electric chair? Why not find guys the electric couch? You put a coffee table, and you've got some cheese doodles, whatever they like. Here's one: a couple kills their kid -- sorry about that, but stuff happens, it happens -- an electric loveseat, you put them together, and they got to kiss just before the switch goes.  
We don't use our imaginations. I'll bet you you could 200 depressed people in this country to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon, just for suicide, mass suicide for money, and you pay down Social Security, and you take care of our problems, Larry.  
KING: You, you... 
CARLIN: And I don't think...  
KING: You mock us!  
CARLIN: I don't think they should kill a guy. You know, like Jeffrey Dahmer, I'm going to give you -- I'll leave off the one that's real hot now.  
KING: McVeigh.  
CARLIN: But, yeah, because you guys are covering that and everything, Warner Brothers.  
KING: You think that's overdone? CARLIN: Of course. Listen, here is what you do with guys like Jeffrey Dahmer, et cetera. You give them a warning, it's like a traffic ticket. You give them a warning. You say, listen, Jeff, not funny, nobody is amused. Stop calling attention to yourself. You eat one more Cambodian teenager head, and it's going to mean a stiff fine.  
KING: That's some punishment.  
CARLIN: You scare the guy, you scare the guy. You give him a break, you know.  
KING: Bring a threat to him.  
CARLIN: But you threaten them, and you'd be surprised, sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking-to. It's true. It's true. People don't -- they laugh.  
KING: George Carlin's book is "Napalm and Silly Putty." We are going to talk about Brooklyn and growing up and other things George thinks about things, and more on language. And we're going to take your phone calls. His book, "Napalm and Silly Putty," is No. 1 on the "New York Times" best-seller list. He is a genius at what he does. Don't go away.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Fine and dandy. That's an old-fashioned one. Say to a guy: "How are you?" He says, "fine and dandy." Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I'm never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy. Close to dandy, approaching dandy, in the vicinity of dandyhood, not quite fully dandy. Other times, I am indeed highly dandy.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: "More than happy." I bet you say that sometimes, don't you? Once in a while you say to somebody, "Oh, I'd be more than happy to do that." How can you be more than happy? To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition.  
We have to put Dave in mental home. He was -- more than happy.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(LAUGHTER)  
KING: That's funny stuff. Let's take some calls for George Carlin, Huntsville, Alabama, hello.  
CALLER: Hello. Mr. Carlin, I think you're fabulous.  
CARLIN: Hi, Bama, how are you doing? CALLER: Doing good. I was actually -- I had a question. I have seen a couple of your HBO specials, and I was wondering about your views on Christianity, since you were kind of, you know, tossed around whether Jesus actually existed and, you know, all that kind of fun stuff. So I actually wanted to know if you truly are Atheist.  
CARLIN: Well, Atheism is a belief, so I'm not an atheist, because that's something you have to believe.  
KING: It also makes a definitive statement. There is -- what are you, an agnostic?  
CARLIN: Not -- well, you know, somebody would define me that way, but I don't think it's important enough to know the distinction. 
KING: What do you call yourself? 
CARLIN: I'm just a person who thinks someday you could find out, and I would know, that whoever was there judging me, and I'm sure there's no one like that, but if there was someone judging me, I'd be fine. So I don't even think about -- you know, my brother calls it the big electron. Just the big electron, something's humming. That's all you need, is a good hum. A good -- I don't mean the bad kind. Just a good hum. So, I think Jesus probably lived. He's probably an alive guy, but -- I have an interview with him in my book, by the way. You want to read that, because he tells everything. You know, they ask him is there a heaven? He says, not only is there a heaven. We've got heck. Heck and hell.  
KING: Heaven, heck and hell? What's heck?  
CARLIN: Heck is not as bad as hell. It's similar.  
(LAUGHTER)  
KING: To Hartsdale, New York, hello.  
CALLER: Hi George, hello.  
CARLIN: Hi.  
KING: How are you?  
CALLER: I'm always amazed that you get better and better over the years. I've seen your show many times.  
CARLIN: Thank you, sir.  
CALLER: And I'd like to ask you, don't you think the reason why so many people in this country are stupid is because corporate America owns everything? They own the politicians, they own all of these networks, and they want us to be stupid to buy the products. That's why, for example, black kids get half the money spent on their educations in this country as white kids, and Henry Kissinger goes on shows and is treated as something other than a Nazi. I don't understand what kind of a country we're living in. KING: Strong opinion.  
CARLIN: You made good point that -- and I forget that aspect of my answer earlier, and that is the reason -- it's in someone's interest, somewhere down the line it's in someone's interest that the population be minimally intelligent, not too analytical about their own situation, not too worried about ideas and looking under surface. Just kind of -- they know how to add, they can do the cost analysis sheets for us. That's all we need them to do. That's my theory.  
KING: What did John Kennedy say, that most people want a kind king.  
CARLIN: Yeah. Right, yeah, just leave me alone. Don't be riding through my living room with a horse. 
KING: Do you hate celebritydom?  
CARLIN: I don't participate in it. I'm well-known, I'm high profile. People see me, they know me, and I love it because it's like having an extended family. But I don't participate in the mystique of being a celebrity or anything. It's a fact of my life that I'm recognized, but outside of that, I'm real nice to people.  
KING: What do you think of tabloids and our phenomenal interest in all that? 
CARLIN: Oh, it's fun. It's fun.  
KING: Don't matter what they print.  
CARLIN: Well, you know, celebrities -- it's like, there's got to be something to make people relieve from their lives. That's what the shopping is, too. Shopping is a way for people to feel like they have power.  
Well, maybe we'll buy the green one. No, no, I think the blue one's better. They feel like they have power. No, we're not going to buy it today at all, thank you very much. So they feel like they have some power, which they really don't have. And the same thing is true of celebrityhood. They see someone else and say, well, he's got all the money in the world and his life really sucks. Look, his wife killed their kid with a hat pin. What is -- you know, he's got all that money. I guess he's not happy. I'm glad I have no money.  
You know, it's kind of like that. It's a little oversimple, what I said, but it's like that. Something like that.  
(LAUGHTER)  
KING: Dallas, hello.  
CALLER: Hi, George, how are you?  
CARLIN: How are you doing there? CALLER: OK. I enjoy your work.  
CARLIN: Thank you.  
CALLER: And my question is: What one life lesson do you know now that you wish you knew 20 years ago?  
CARLIN: Boy, I never have any kind of good answer for that stuff, because I really enjoyed every minute, even the stuff I did that wasn't in my own interest.  
KING: Really?  
CARLIN: Yeah, sure,  
KING: With drugs, or...  
CARLIN: I used a lot of cocaine, and man, it was fun.  
KING: You hosted "Saturday Night Live." You were the first host.  
CARLIN: I was loaded.  
KING: You were stoned.  
CARLIN: That whole week. I don't remember a lot. I knew they had people. I knew they had people, they'd move around, they'd go like that. I thought, well, this is OK.  
And I was there, but that's all.  
KING: But you don't resent that.  
CARLIN: I don't regret.  
KING: You don't regret?  
CARLIN: Nothing. There's nothing I would ever change about my life, except I would have started it 100 years sooner and kept it going 100 years extra.  
KING: You had a great marriage. Your wife passed away.  
CARLIN: Brenda and I were a long-term marriage, yep, and Brenda died in 1997. There's a woman in my life now, has been for the last three years, Sally Wade. And Sally is just fantastic. She's smart and funny and great-looking. And she and I have this thing where we kind of like inhabit a bubble, and we just kind of -- we just -- it's like the whole universe is ours. It's a wonderful feeling.  
KING: And at the American Comedy Awards, which we attended, the wife and I, George Slaughter and his great production, you were honored as the...  
CARLIN: As the lifetime achievement, which I told them, this is a down payment. This is part one, because I'm only 64, which is 17 Celsius, by the way, Larry. In Canada I'm a late teenager.  
KING: So you put your years into Celsius.  
CARLIN: Celsius. Well, I don't mind 64, but I like to go, no, I'm also 17.  
KING: It's a good way to look at things.  
CARLIN: Yeah. I'm also 2. You know, you're everything you ever were, when you think about it. You're still 21, you're still 45. You're still 18, you're still 2, because you did that and it's there. They can't take it away. You're still 2, you're still 2. You just don't show it as much. That's my theory.  
KING: That's a good way to put it. In other words, you're still a little boy in there.  
CARLIN: Oh, got to be. He's king of the whole place. He's king of the whole place. He's just lucky he's got an adult, knows how to drive.  
(LAUGHTER)  
CARLIN: You know? 
KING: We'll be right back with George Carlin. Don't go away.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: I think God may not be perfect. I think his work shows that.  
(LAUGHTER)  
CARLIN: Take a look at a mountain range. They're all crooked, they're never in line. All different sizes, there are no two leaves the same. He can't even give two people the same fingerprints.  
(LAUGHTER)  
CARLIN: He's had billions of years to work on this stuff. And everything he has ever made -- died!  
Everything, so far! So far.  
(APPLAUSE) 
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Down the tubes -- hear that one a lot. People say, "Ah, the country is going down the tubes."  
What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there's more than one tube? 
(LAUGHTER)  
CARLIN: It would seem to me, one country, one tube. But is every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big? Somebody would have seen it by now.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: Some great questions previously asked by George Carlin: if the police never find it, is it still a clue? Whom does a male ladybug dance with? Excellent questions. Tell me about Brooklyn. Now, you are from Brooklyn.  
CARLIN: I'm from Manhattan.  
KING: You're from Manhattan, yeah. But you were a Dodger? 
CARLIN: Yeah. I was the only kid in my neighborhood like that, the only kid with that little infection. I just always liked to be against the tide. I never liked being like everybody else.  
KING: So, you weren't a Yankee or a Giant?  
CARLIN: No, and I live about 30 blocks -- exactly 30 blocks from Polo grounds, so of course, Yankee stadium right across the street. All the guys in my neighborhood Yankees fans and Giants fans, and I am a Dodger fan. They hated me. And every fall it would horrible, because the Yankees would win the series.  
I -- my favorite story -- not story -- my favorite incident, I saw it, I was there the night -- with Teddy Dibble (ph) -- my buddy Teddy Dibble (ph) and I, we went and we saw them play the Boston Braves. Billy Southworth was the manager. Sid Gordon was the third baseman. And we snuck down behind the dug-outs late, you know, at seventh inning, from our grandstand seat.  
That was the night Gil Hodges hit four home-runs, and Erskine, the pitcher, went five for six, and on Hodges, on the fourth home-run -- I swear to you this is true -- he probably had been up six times by then, he had three home-runs -- he came up again -- because they won 22 to something, 22 to three or something, it was great.  
But he came up, and everybody was pulling for him, pulling for him, it looks like at last that bat is going to get, certainly not going to be extra innings, and it's the ninth inning, and hits a long -- because he is right-handed -- he hit a long foul ball home-run left field. Oh, he could have had it, he could have had it. Then, a couple pitches or whatever, he hits a long -- he got out in front of one -- he hit a long foul ball to right field, just foul. Home-run, too. 
And then he did it. He hit one not straightaway center, but hit one center-left-center. It was great. We got four autographs that night. KING: Really? 
CARLIN: I got Pee Wee Reese's autograph, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, everybody.  
KING: Boy, that's great. I remember the game.  
CARLIN: So, the next day, Teddy and I go back to the ballpark. Hey, this is fun! One to nothing. I hated pitchers' duals.  
KING: Georgetown, Texas for our man George Carlin, hello.  
CALLER: Hi, George, from Georgetown, Texas.  
CARLIN: How are you doing there?  
CALLER: I'm doing just fine.  
CARLIN: Good. 
CALLER: Hey, could you give us that little bit about the cats, you know, when a cat bumps into the wall.  
CARLIN: Yeah.  
KING: What was that? 
CARLIN: This is -- this is -- I used this in the book, by the way, I used the cats and some of the cats and dog stuff in the book, because I like it so much, and so many people mention it.  
A cat does not accept blame for anything. A cat will not show embarrassment. If a cat does something stupid, you know, like running across the carpet and hitting a glass door that didn't know it was closed, it will go like this, it will go: "I meant that. I meant that. I meant that. That is exactly what I wanted to do."  
Like a dog and cat, the difference is...  
KING: Dogs are dumb.  
CARLIN: Well, but -- no, I don't think that, but a cat will show no guilt. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you look at the dog, you know he did it. His behavior is like this, you know. A cat goes: "What's that? Lamp? Ask the dog, not me." You know, they -- they are great.  
But I'm a dog guy too. We've got a dog called Goofy. We got a dog called Goofy. Wouldn't it be fun to name a kid Goofy, just to see what happened to him? If you have a son, name him Goofy, tell him it's a nice name, forget it, see what happens in his life.  
KING: Dayton, Ohio, hello. 
CALLER: Hi, Larry. 
KING: Hi. CALLER: George, you always make me feel dandy.  
CARLIN: Oh, good, thank you very much.  
CALLER: My question is, I would like your opinion on comics like Gallagher who base their comedy routines on ideas that you originated.  
CARLIN: Well, you know, I don't know that I ever noticed that about his comedy, or heard anyone say that. I think I would have to know the kind of specifics. You know, there is a lot of people sitting around -- aren't as many as there are steel workers, for instance -- but a lot of people sitting around trying to be funny and make up things, and there is a lot of parallel thinking, so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.  
KING: I'll tell who you know is funny, Louis Black, right?  
CARLIN: Louis Black is great. And so is Mitch Hedberg. But you mentioned Louis because he was at some affair you guys did the other night.  
(CROSSTALK)  
KING: ... foundation.  
CARLIN: Louis Black is just great. I met him again -- I met him several times, but I saw -- I met his folks at the Comedy Awards, and Louis is smart.  
KING: And he is like you in that he is angry, angry at everything.  
CARLIN: Yeah, yeah, well... 
KING: You're angry.  
CARLIN: I'm not angry.  
KING: Come on.  
CARLIN: ... in my life. Not in my life, Larry. There is not a person can tell you they were with me more than five, 10 minutes, ever saw an angry moment out of me. What I have is a dissatisfaction with things. 
KING: But Louis has that.  
CARLIN: Yeah, it's the dissatisfaction with the reality that has been produced by humans and by this country's culture. So, it is that dissatisfaction on stage that plays like anger, because you heighten things up for the stage, you know, you exaggerate things because that is what makes them theatrical and funnier, but I'm a happy guy, man, happy as can be.  
But I'll mention that other comic again, Mitch Hedberg, smart man. He is like Steven Wright who has been hit in the head four times with a tire iron, is just -- you know, interesting and weird, he goes, over here.  
KING: Steven Wright.  
CARLIN: I love Steven Wright.  
KING: Steven Wright is...  
CARLIN: Absolutely wonderful. He probably had a couple whacks with something, a tire iron or a bowling trophy. Something got him.  
KING: Steven Wright who said he once bought a package of instant water, what do you mix it with?  
CARLIN: Right.  
KING: We'll be right back, don't go away.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Another abomination: white guys over 10 years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards. Listen to me. White guys, let me tell you something: you are never going to be as cool as black guys. Not going to happen. You are white, and you are lame. It's a law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool.  
And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I'm going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but I think really, once you qualify for Social Security, it's time to spin that around to the front of you.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it's the word "mice." It's just a weak word. Doesn't have a lot of character, you know. Nice, isn't he nice, oh he is so nice. And she's nice too. Isn't that nice, how nice they are? I don't care for that, you know. It's like "fine." There is another word. How are you? Fine.  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: George's next special, November 17 on HBO. What are you calling it?  
CARLIN: I kind of like it when a lot of people die. 
(CROSSTALK) 
CARLIN: I enjoy big disasters, and big things.  
KING: You mentioned you don't like memorials and you don't like... 
(CROSSTALK) 
KING: ... how do you feel about the unknown soldier, then?  
CARLIN: The unknown soldier, you know what's interesting about him? First of all, there happens to be another one -- there's one the French have one, the Canadians and the English. All those unknown soldiers, they all knew each other. People didn't know that.  
And here's another thing: there's actually -- you know what -- there is actually a well-known soldier, but you know? Nobody knows about him. Which is interesting, because nobody knows about the well- known soldier, and everybody knows the unknown soldier. How did they do that? They did that to us. And there is also, by the way, a well- known but poorly understood soldier, people just didn't get along with him. He is there.  
KING: People don't know this, you served your country. You were in the Air Force.  
CARLIN: I kept the peace.  
KING: That's right, between wars, right?  
CARLIN: The Russian hierarchy, apparently they saw what was happening. They messed with us in Korea, when I was underage. As soon as I get old enough -- bing -- peace. See this -- bing -- peace. This is what scared them. This is what scared them, a picture like that. And then, after I get out -- Vietnam -- they come right back at us. They left us alone when I'm in there, they said hey, this guy, don't fool with him.  
KING: And you also had heart problems.  
CARLIN: I've had three heart attacks. One was a minor little baby thing you wouldn't even bother with except I knew about jaw pain at that time. And then I had a nice big one, and a good one in 1982, that is when I had my first angioplasty, just before that Carnegie Hall show, that green one they saw there. And then I had one nine years later and I have been clean since, and I have had a lot of angioplasties, never a bypass, because it makes you goofy.  
KING: I had a bypass.  
CARLIN: Did you? It makes you goofy, Larry, it makes you goofy. 
KING: You forget things though.  
CARLIN: But you know what? What's the difference -- there's a lot of things not worth knowing. 
KING: San Diego, hello.  
CALLER: Yes, I know of a physician in New Jersey, who seriously approached you about running for president of the United States. I would like to know how you feel about that or do a lot of people ask you that?  
KING: Would you would ever be interested in politics?  
CARLIN: No, no. It is a wonderful fantasy thought for a person to say that to you, and it is obviously a compliment, you know, in different clothing. But, no. Look at the people you have to hang out with just to get going.  
It's like golf. I would never play that. The game is probably interesting, to try to put a ball in the hole is maybe fun, but it is these people you have to go and hang around -- golfers -- the rest of them, the rest of them. These dorks in hats and checkered pants. You don't want to be near these people. And they all walk around -- they hit ball, they have a crooked stick, first of all, a crooked stick, hit a ball, walk after it, hit it again.  
I say pick it up, put it in your pocket, go home, You're lucky you found it the first time, you know. They don't think of these things.  
KING: We'll be back with our remaining moments with George Carlin. Tomorrow night we'll have a compendium of our interviews with Anthony Quinn. Sir Paul McCartney Tuesday night. We'll be right back.  
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 
CARLIN: Then finally we come to golf. Do you ever watch golf on TV? It's like watching flies (UNINTELLIGIBLE) . I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it's these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with crooked stick, and then walking after it.  
And then hitting it again. I say pick it up, you are lucky found it. Put it in your pocket and go home, will you!  
(END VIDEO CLIP) 
KING: Tuesday night on Larry King live, his songs have told his life story to generations. Now here him tell it himself. An exclusive interview with music legend Paul McCartney Tuesday on CNN. 
We're back with George Carlin. Are you thrilled about the No. 1 book? I mean think about it.  
CARLIN: Yes, of course, I only wanted one week at it. I think it went to two it will go to two after that, but that is all I wanted was one week and I got it already at the framers, you know. Because I only had nine years of school. I mean, I quit -- it wasn't their fault -- I quit because they weren't teaching what I needed.  
KING: You quit after ninth grade?  
CARLIN: At the ninth grade I quit and it's kind of nice because that's, you know, "The New York Times," you know, that is their world, and I was in my little... 
KING: What did do you when you quit school?  
CARLIN: I worked at Western Union for a year in the plant and engineering department as a junior clerk, and then at 17 I went in the Air Force because that is what I wanted, that's why I quit school -- get in get out get my life started. I knew what I was going to do knew, I knew how I was going to do it, I just needed to get out.  
KING: You knew you would be comedian?  
CARLIN: I knew that. That was my plan from the time I was a little kid, but I had a real plan when I was 11, to first be a disk jockey then be a comedian, and then try to be like Danny Kaye. That was kind of like my dream then. You know, dreams change a little, but the comedy part there, the first two worked out great.  
KING: Why didn't you follow up more on your acting career? You were in "Prince of Tides"  
CARLIN: It's not satisfying. There is nothing like getting out there all by yourself, and doing things you wrote and you thought of. To act someone else's lines, and wait around all day, and they -- gotta do it again, the light flashed -- you know -- that was the best one I did, I know but a truck ran by -- something, you know. Who wants to live like that? Me, I go, badaboom, this is it, I'll see you later.  
KING: Do you test your material anywhere?  
CARLIN: Not really. I'm working at the Comedy Store here in L.A. this month to stay in shape. It happens I'm doing some new things that I'm playing with, but I don't care about the audience reaction because I know what's going to work, pretty much, 95 percent, and I will just take out that 5 percent on my own, because it will be soft.  
KING: When it doesn't work are you always surprised?  
CARLIN: If it's a line in the middle of 6 lines that work it doesn't bother me. No, I'm not really surprised. Sometimes they surprise you the other way. You think, hey, that got a big laugh. I thought it was a just a buildup line.  
KING: George, after all these years it's still great just talking to you.  
CARLIN: LARRY KING LIVE. You ought to change your last name officially, legally to LARRY KING LIVE and then on the weekend you could have an alias. You could be LARRY KING WEEKEND. Nobody would know. He'd be all secret.  
KING: Thank you, George. Stay well.  
CARLIN: Thank you, Larry. KING: Take a cold shower. For Tuesday's exclusive interview with Paul McCartney, send in your questions early to my Web site -- I love this -- cnn.com/larryking. I love saying that. You have a Web site, George? 
CARLIN: I have a Web site but I got dots, no slashes.  
KING: Oh, I have slashes, you have dots. I don't know what either one means.  
CARLIN: No.  
KING: OK. Tomorrow night we'll have a retrospective on the career of the late, great Anthony Quinn, Monday night of course we will follow up on the McVeigh execution due for Monday morning and Tuesday, Sir Paul McCartney. Have a great weekend. For George Carlin the whole crew here in Los Angeles, thanks for joining us. Stay tuned for CNN TONIGHT an good night. 
TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com

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## Lampada

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43EyTeFk6Dk  *Carlin as Jesus*

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## Lampada

*Four Groups That Gotta Go* (Language!)  
"Here's another idea. I'm going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens. Four groups are going away permanently. 
First group: Violent criminals. Here's what you do with these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvenience, you know. Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN. And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear it's logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this **** in half a minute. 
Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations. But we don't have time for rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to fence; saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We're not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. It's a victimless hobby. And think of how good the cat must feel! No, we're only going to lock up rapists and molesters. Those hopeless romantics. Who're so full of love they can't help getting a little of it on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in Wyoming. And you let them suck, **** and fondle, you let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other...until their testicles are whistling 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'! And..and you turn on the cameras and you've got The Sperm Channel! And don't forget our corporate sponsor. We're going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist's pants right here, 'This Pud's For You'! 
Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them, don't get nervous. Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person. And we're not going to bother first offenders. People deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get...twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen! That's fine, and that's it, if you can't make it in fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado! The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States...that the police and D.E.A. don't keep for their own personal use...will be air-dropped into Colorado. And we're going to turn the Coors brewery over to the beer drinking assholes and everyone can stay wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered, smashed and shitfaced 'round the clock on another new cable channel, Shitface Central- 'This is the real Rocky Mountain HIGH!!! 
Ok, I've saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the buses don't run. And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel *****. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel *****, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can't put them all away. You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells you the King of Sweden is using his ***** as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases. Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a ****, you know? And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping her ***, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the maniac farm, I think there's no question we got to go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place. 
Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you've got here. Think of what you've got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate. But- the gates are only ten inches wide and they're only open once a month...for seven seconds. And you know something? **** cable, this **** has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tattoos...lot of teeth broken off at the gumline...the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, a few of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The creme de la creme. The alphas. They're going to get through, they're going to find each other and they're going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you'll have a melting pot. Child killers, corpse *******, drug zombies and full-blown wackaloons. Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we'll have a balanced budget."

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## Lampada

*On  Capital Punishment* (Language!)  
"The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings; they're not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like...the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers..who launder..the drug money. Forget the dealers. You want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these ******* bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers. 
And I'm not talking about soft, American executions like lethal injection. I'm talking about ******* crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little further; I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people tuning in, don't even care about football! Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty ******* quick. Pretty ******* quick- you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore! 
Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or another 'cause I know it doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything, 'cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read the Bible, you see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It's a purification rite. It's a modern sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say, let's liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid ******* budget! Balance the stupid ******* budget! 
And don't forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge. Let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid ******* budget!! 
And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judeo-Christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don't bail out on me now, goddamnit! The blood is already on our hands; all we're talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good goddamn long time. There's a lot of good things we could be doing. 
When's the last time we burned someone at the stake? It's been too long! Here's another form of capital punishment; comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Bridgeford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don't think that would get big ratings? In this sick ******* country?! ****, you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget. 
What about boiling people in oil? Boy, those were the days, weren't they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun ****! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment. The kids'll love it. The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're enjoying themselves, we're teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this **** did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself! 
Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher's Clearing House? OK, something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust. There's one guy's not going to be ******* with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult...right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness...right next to godliness. Alright, hi-tech. I sense some of you's are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon... and stick it up a guy's ***! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Whoa! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick. Yeah, a bomb in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey...listen...I got a lot of good ideas. Balance the stupid ******* budget.

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## Lampada

*George Carlin: A Funny Man in an Unfunny World* 
By Amy Goodman, 
King Features Syndicate. 
Posted June 26, 2008. 
"Carlin gave voice to dissident perspectives that have been almost entirely blocked from mainstream media.   
The world lost one of its great comedians this week with the death at age 71 of George Carlin. Carlin had a career as a stand-up comic that spanned a half-century, in which he continually broke new ground, targeting those in power with his wit and genius. He impacted our culture, our media and our nation with a stream of material that skewered institutions of the left and right, from government to business and the church. He released 22 comedy albums, earning him five Emmy nominations and winning four Grammys. He was the first guest host of "Saturday Night Live," in 1975, and appeared on "The Tonight Show" 130 times. He starred in 14 HBO specials and authored three best-selling books. He also left an indelible mark on the radio station where I got my start in broadcast journalism, Pacifica station WBAI 99.5 FM in New York City. 
On Oct. 30, 1973, WBAI broadcast Carlin's "Filthy Words" routine. Carlin wrote on his Web site, georgecarlin.com: "Lone professional moralist complains to FCC which issues a Declaratory Order against station. Station goes to court." That court battle would last five years, end at the U.S. Supreme Court and set the standard for broadcast indecency laws that are hotly debated to this day. It was neither accident nor coincidence that this iconoclastic comic would have some of his most controversial material broadcast over Pacifica Radio's WBAI. The Pacifica Network was founded in Berkeley, Calif., in 1949, with KPFA as the first truly listener-sponsored radio station. 
Back then, radio was so overwhelmingly commercial that Pacifica founder Lew Hill and others found it worthless. As Hill wrote in his "Theory of Listener Sponsored Radio," "If we want an improvement in radio, the basic situation of broadcasting must be such that artists and thinkers have a place to work -- with freedom." 
On July 3, 1978, the Supreme Court ruled that the Federal Communications Commission could punish WBAI for its broadcast of Carlin's routine, arguing that words relating to sex or excretion (i.e., piss) when children might be listening were prohibited. Supreme Court Justices William Brennan and Thurgood Marshall dissented, noting the court's "depressing inability to appreciate that in our land of cultural pluralism, there are many who think, act, and talk differently from the Members of this Court, and who do not share their fragile sensibilities." Remarkably, 30 years later, the same issues are before a decidedly more conservative Supreme Court. 
Recent episodes of "fleeting expletives" from the mouths of celebrities like Bono, Cher and Nicole Richie have prompted the FCC to seek enhanced power to punish broadcasters. George Carlin pointed out what in our society was truly indecent: the behavior of the powerful. 
Yes, he spiced his delivery with expletives. He was angry. He, like Pacifica, gave voice to essential, dissident perspectives that have been almost entirely blocked from mainstream media. He said: "We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free, so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color, we'll wipe it out." 
His prolific output will continue to inspire for generations to come."

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## Lampada

*A Place For My Stuff*  http://youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac 
"Actually, this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all; a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there.
That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is- a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. 
And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. 
Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's no room for your stuff on it. Somebody else's **** is on the dresser. Have you noticed that their stuff is **** and your **** is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that **** off of there and let me put my stuff down!" 
Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff- you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff- here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you. 
That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tcha come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here." Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even smaller version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui- I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff all the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. 
You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over." Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right- you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need."

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## Lampada

Advertising Lullaby (From "You Are All Diseased" 1999)   http://youtube.com/watch?v=dvhsJyecpLc 
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Affordable prices, money-back guarantee. 
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No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September. 
Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. 
So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. 
And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
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no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you. 
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
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saying thank you. 
Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising dick up your *** a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit deeper, you miserable
no-good dumbass ******* consumer!' "

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## Lampada

> I always liked Baseball/Football

 http://youtube.com/watch?v=YphEUa5LPjM  *Baseball and Football* 
"Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out. 
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring. 
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom. 
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. 
I enjoy comparing baseball and football: 
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. 
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium. 
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. 
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap. 
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up? 
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error. 
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. 
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice. 
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play. 
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning. 
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death. 
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. 
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different: 
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. 
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! ..."

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## Lampada

*On baby slings*: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8vq-q7vdM50

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## Lampada

*Class Clown*  *Part 1 of 5*:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahyN7UKz5M *Part 2 of 5*:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK0HiHjkz94 
"Uh, people always want to know how you get started...on this job. I guess they ask musicians too...and actors and everything, but, uh, they always want to know how you got started. They say, "How'd you get started?" They say to you, "Did you always want to be a comedian?" Well, not in the womb, but right after that, yes, I did. Sure.  
But class clown is when you really do get a chance to kind of ...work out, y'know. 'Cause the classroom's the best place. Classroom's best because...well, no one's allowed to laugh there. And suppressed laughter, y'know, is they easiest to get, the most fun. Y'know, like when you're kneelin' in front of a casket- 'CHORTLE!' ...during the sermon, whatever it is and in the classroom. Class clown always sounds like there was only one of 'em, y'know, sounds like "the class clown" but that's not true, really. There was, y'know, quite often there were two or three or four of 'em. Mmm. Sometimes you'd have a whole classroom full of 'em, man. If the main guy was absent, second banana would fill in, right? And the class clown wasn't really so unique. Y'know, he didn't necessarily do things that were real different. It was just..he learned things first. He discovered things first and passed them on to the other guys, right? The class clown was the first to discover a lot of musical things. He was the first one to get into Hawaiian nose humming, right? ('Hawaiian nose humming' sounds) Well, if you're gonna play, play, y'know? And then, uh, playing 'head' (raps fist on head with mouth open) You had to be a little 'masso' for that anyway, man, y'know? That and throat (taps throat with mouth open) Aah. Found out later in life that the beard acts as a mute for soft passages, right? Well, anyway.  
Class clown was the first guy to discover this- usually in gym class, right? ('arm fart' sounds) Yeah, the old artificial fart under the arm. Or as we called it in New York, (with heavy New York accent ::  "The awtificial fawt undah the awm!" There were a lot of ways to make the fart sound when you were a kid. Remember, you had this one, too (makes different fart sound) Then, in the crook of your arm (another one) It was an important sound, y'know? I gues..we found so many ways to make it, y'know? I didn't need any of those fancy ones, 'cause I could (makes 'regular' mouth fart noises) I was into the bi-labial fricative, y'know? I was so glad when I found out that had a real official name to it, man. Bronx cheer and raspberry never made it for me. Bi-labial fricative- (makes more fart noises, then guy in crowd shouts, "Do one from the back!") Do one from the back? It would probably be an SBD today, man. Remember that? "Silent But Deadly, wow. 
It's true. Most of the time in class I was tempted to..fool around, man. Get someone's..that's what it was, yeah. You'd be bored and you'd figure, "Well, why not deprive someone else of their education." And you would set about disrupting the class by...ATTRACTING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! That is the name of this job, y'know? It's called "Dig me." It's like, "Hey guys, didn't make the team, but- BBBBBBLLLLLAH! They'd say, "Hey, he's crazy, man. Hey, ya wanna go to a party, wow." Yeah, you went to all the parties. Got the last girl, but you went to all the parties, man. BBBBLAH!  
When I would, uh, try to attract attention in class, it was..I wasn't really like a very daring and bold youth. I was a little timid, really. I didn't get right into fake epileptic seizures in the aisle, y'know. Start out and test the water a little bit. I used to start with little sounds, like- (makes 'pigeon' sounds in throat). That's a good one 'cause no one can really see where it's coming from. (does it again) You can even look around like you don't know. (once more) That's, of course, the pigeon; you recognize the pigeon. That was my only bird call...'cause that was our only bird, man. I was from a real 'New York' part of New York, y'know. We had pigeons..and, uh, sparrows; had sparrows. Sparrows- you could never pin a sparrow, y'know?. They would leave too fast. You try to go over to a sparrow- 'BROODOOM!' Pigeons would walk out of your way and give you a bad look, right? Poor pigeons, man. Their song is stuck in their throat. (makes 'pigeon' sounds again) That's what livin' in the city does, man. Sticks your song in your throat. I'm sure when the pigeons first got to the city, they had a nice song, man- (does 'birdcall' sounds) Few years in the city..(makes 'throat' pigeon sounds). And then that oil slick we laid on 'em; you've seen that oil slick on their neck. I'm sure we gave 'em that. Pidgies. 
I had one sound that was my own. Not completely my own. I stole it from a Spike Jones record- 'GLLLGEAH!' (does variations on the sound) None of the other guys could do that one. I added a little something to it- 'HICUPMNNGLLLGEAH!' No one really cared. "Get him outta here, willya?" 'GLLLGAH GLLLGEE!' "Get him outta here." And then of course, there was- 'POP!' Popping the cheek. Which everyone had to do. Just to be a kid you had to be able to do that, right? Yeah, it was part of the credentials. "Can he pop his cheek?" 'POP'! "Okay, he's a kid. Let him in." Let me hear all of you do that. I love it when a whole auditorium does it. Everybody do it...like that. (hundreds of pops are heard from the crowd and they laugh at the sound) Now do it without giving in to the temptation to laugh. Everybody do it without laughing. (even more pops are heard from the crowd and they laugh louder at the speed of the pops) But, uh, we take that for granted. We think it's so simple. You say to yourself, "Well, I think I'll put my finger in my cheek and pop it." It's not that easy, man. There's a lotta things to think about. Ya gotta know how much finger to put in there for one, right? You can't do it like that (jams finger way in), man. You have to judge the amount of finger. You have to know how much air pressure against the cheek, how much cheek pressure against the air...and when to release. You see old guys in the park now can't get it on anymore- MMM! UHHH! That's the first thing that goes on a class clown...the cheeks, man.  
They never did issue microphones to the class clowns. That would have been a big help. But you had ones like this- (does popping noises with microphone) And you remember this one? Old men always used to do this to you- (makes squeaking noises with his lips) Remember? Your grandfather would always do that. "Hey! Come here!" (squeak!) Ah ha ha ha!  
I was, uh, my specialty was knuckle cracking....I was, uh, I was into it on kind of an esoteric level, really. For instance, I could crack all twenty-eight knuckles, you know. Twenty-eight plus, actually. Only twenty-eight are officially recognized by the Knuckle Institute. But you aficionados know that down at the ends of the fingers you have a lot of multiples and repeaters and, uh, if you wake up and think about it first thing in the morning you can do fifty or more of 'em, man. A little more knuckle lore for you. The smaller the knuckle, the higher the pitch. Something we just don't stop to think about, y'know? For instance, this last knuckle on the pinky is the highest pitched knuckle; you'll hear it now...CRACK! CRACK! That was a double! Let's see if I can go for the double on the other pinky. I don't often get two doubles in performance; I'd like to try. And that was down a little lower than it should have been. That's a higher pitched and much more gentle knuckle, usually. Let's give the right on the end of the pinky a chance...CRACK! Let's see if the other one's in there too...CRACK! Ahhhh! Two doubles is far out, yeah! 
The best reason for cracking your knuckles was to make the girls sick. I mean that's... That's all you wanted to do when you were nine or ten was make the girls sick. If you could get Margaret Mary to throw up on her desk in the morning...you knew it would be a good day. You'd pick the most squeamish girl. Margaret Mary was susceptible to knuckles- Hey, Margaret Mary! CRACK! "Wooo oooh woo!" Remember that feeling? Like wiping off snot. "Wooo oooh woo!" Somebody else's! "AAAUGH!" You'd wipe it on flaming wood if you had to. "Get it off me; it got on me by accident- AAUUGH!" 'Cause nobody really likes your bodily fluids, y'know. Unless you keep them to yourself. People don't want them. Really, think of it. Any fluids of semi-fluids that you secrete or excrete or whatever. People don't wanna hear it. Earwax, blood, sweat, "Get it outta here, man!" Sometimes they'll take your blood if they're in trouble, otherwise keep things inside; people want you to keep things inside. 
Anything you could do disgusting was good for class clown. Ernest Cruz could turn his upper eyelids inside out. Remember those guys, wow. Even I would go EWWWW! Don't do that, Ernest; you look like the Devil, man. John Pigman could belch at will. Not just the ordinary belch. I mean, we all learned to swallow a little air, y'know, and do the fraternity burp- BRAACK! But, uh, John Pigman was an artist, man. He would save air for like half an hour, man. You'd see him over in the corner. "Hey, John.." "No no, man..(gulping air sounds). "Ah, and when he would finally let go- 'BRRRIGADDOOMBRIGGADOWWBRRRRUGGADOOWOWOWOW!' Oh, wow. Old ladies...old ladies would puke for blocks around. He would talk when he burped. You remember those guys? (burping ::  "How do you do? Son of a *****. BLLGADOO! BLLLUGH! He'd try to go through the whole alphabet on one burp. (burping ::  ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW... Sometimes John would be in the movie theater...and you didn't know he was there. And then you found out, man. If anybody on the screen opened their mouth without saying anything, John would provide the dialog. 'BRRRRIGADOW!' "Hey, John's here, man!"  
Class clown used to save his best stuff for lunchtime...when you were drinking your milk. And he'd try to make the milk come out your nose. "UGGGH! Carlin, you bastard! I'll get you, man!" It was even better with 7UP or root beer, y'know? Get all those bubbles up in their sinuses. One time, Michael Davey passed an entire cheese sandwich through his nose. Sister Annunciado thought is was a miracle, y'know? "Come with me, mister and don't talk to the other boys and girls. Yeah, you're not allowed to talk to anyone right after a miracle, y'know? You have to wait and be debriefed by a priest, right?  
Den-deh-dehhhh! Remember that? Do you still do that? Den-deh-dehhhh! Don't lose that, man. Den-nehhh! Remember when you were a kid on a hot day? Nobody was around. Nothing to do...Den-deh-dehhhh! I'll still do it, man. I'll push the button in the elevator- Dum-duhhm! Watch the numerals going up- Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-DAH! Yeah, otherwise that's all wasted time, you know? Elevator. There's nothing to do in the elevator except not look at the other guy. Stare at your shoes.  
I play 'spy' at the airport. Do you ever do that? I believe in using that kind of time; it's wasted time. I play 'spy' at the airport. Especially a big airport. You know there's a spy at the airport. Your job - find him.  
Get into a little of this (drinks some water). Mmm. I'll share this with you. I'll share a swallow of water with you. Why not, man. No one ever shares a swallow with you. It's kind of a personal sound. (sticks microphone to his throat and swallows water) GLLLLLLLLLL! SPLASH! That second half is the best part of the swallow, you know? There are two parts... a lot of people don't realize. Two parts to the swallow. The first one, that..that kinda bubbly sound is when you pour somethin' in your mouth, your throat closes up. 'Cause your throat doesn't trust your mouth, man. Your throat knows your mouth is crazy... and will do anything. So your throat is kind of a monitor and you pour something in you mouth, your throat says, "Hold on. Let's check that stuff out." Then the brain goes (makes 'calculating' sounds) "Looks okay to me, let 'er go!" 'Blllmmmm!' Listen again for the two parts and especially that second one which is kinda like...going home. GLLLLLLLLLL! SPLASH! That was a goody. 
The whole revolution is about values. Values of any kind, y'know? What you'll do for ten dollars; what you'll do with ten dollars. It all comes down to values; what you value and how much. And, uh, I often think of that. 'Cause you can buy anything in this country. Businessmen are the ones who really, like, kinda got this country where it is in both ways, in both the positive and the negative, man. They did... the businessman. 'Cause there's no morality in business. Just a ledger. Keep it in the black. Show a profit-(staccato) Keep it in the black - keep it in the black. Never mind your soul. Never mind the landscape. Never mind the other guy. Keep it in the black-keep it in the black-do what you can-keep it in the black. BUSINESS AS USUAL GOING ON! Big plywood up there. BUSINESS AS USUAL! Businessman did it. That's right. You can buy anything in this country. Anything you can think of! You can probably buy a left nostril inhaler if you look around long enough... .  With your state motto on it... Glows in the dark- anything, man. If you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from you, man. "Yeah, give you a dollar and a half for that." Yeah, anything at all.  
Values. Often think of that... when I go past the novelty store. You know the novelty store- tricks, jokes, fun. Fool your friends. They sell, uh, the dribble glass... joy buzzer... whoopee cushion - called 'poo-poo' cushion in the larger towns. You put it down- PPPTT! "Hey! Phil farted! Ha ha ha ha ha!" It's very big with the Shriners and American Legion are into those things. They're a little retentive anyway, so why not. Let 'em have it. A lotta things for sale in that store, y'know? They have a fly in an ice cube... snake matches, pepper gum, cigarette loads. Big thumb with a lotta bruises on it. There's a great one. They also sell fake food... which really knocks me out. Got rubber hot dogs, plastic fried eggs. The ones I saw were made in Austria. Imagine that - imported plastic fried eggs, wow. Plastic Swiss cheese. They have a little foam rubber sandwich with a bite missing from it. I often wonder how hungry people feel when they walk past. Guys that don't have lunch money together, man. Goin' past the novelty store - "Wow, that'd be salty. I'd be ready for a little trashing right away, y'know?" Start there. 
That's not the biggest insult. The biggest insult however, is the, uh, ...the fake vomit. Imagine that - artificial vomit, wow. Some people can't scrape real vomit together, man. Guys are ordering three dozen vomit on the phone, man. I've seen a couple different brand names on that. One of 'em's called "Glop". Another one is "Whoops!" Isn't that great - 'whoops!' Tells you where to use it, too. They have little hints on a piece of cardboard. It's stapled to a piece of cardboard and it tells you where to use it. "On the car seat" ... There's a good one. "On the sidewalk", naturally. "Bathroom floor" they suggest there.    *Part 3 of 5*:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eli9Ho2UFiI  
" The one that knocks me out is "near the refrigerator". It's so strange 'cause some, some grown person had to think of that! Some guy was at work one day and said, "Hey, Phil! I got another one! 'Near the refrigerator', huh?" "Beautiful, Charley! Lemme call the printer. Hey!" Near the refrigerator..wow. Fake vomit. 
Lenny Bruce once said the reason the artificial vomit sells is because the artificial dog crap sold so well. I grew up watching the dog crap in the window, boy. I always thought.. first, I thought a doggie had gotten in the window and done it there, y'know. It was always next to the false teeth that you wind up and let go, right? Good ol' plaster of Paris dog crap, wow. Sure is strange. How do ya ask for that, y'know? Whaddaya say to the guy? "I'd like to see something in a dog crap, please." "Well, what did you want to spend on that?" "Money's no object. It's for a very good friend. I rather fancy that beige number in the window."  "That's not beige. That's champagne gold! It's ..."  
" ...I used to be Irish Catholic- now I'm an American. Y'know, you grow....yeah. I was from one of those Irish neighborhoods in New York. One of those kind of parish schools. Wasn't typical. It was, Corpus Christi was the name of it. Could have been any Catholic church, right? "Our Lady of Great Agony" ..."St. Rita Moreno" ..."Our Lady of Perpetual Motion"- What's the difference what you call it? The church part and the neighborhood part were typical but the school was not. It wasn't one of those old fashioned parish kinda prison schools with a lot of corporal punishment and Sister Mary Discipline with the steel ruler, right? (SMACK!) OOOWWWWW! MY HAND! AAAAUGGH! And you'd fall two years behind in penmanship, right? "Well, he's behind in penmanship, Mrs. Carlin. I don't know why." He's crippled. He's trying to learn to write with his left hand.  
We didn't have that. We got..somehow we got lucky, y'know. Got into a school where the pastor was kinda into John Dewey and progressive education and he talked the parish...talked the diocese, rather, into, uh, experimenting in our parish with progressive education and whipping the religion on us anyway and see what would happen with the two of them there. And uh, worked out kinda nice; there was a lot of classroom freedom. There was no..for instance, there were no grades or marks, y'know, no report cards to sweat out or any of that. There were no uniforms. There were no...there was no sexual segregation; boy and girls together. And the desks weren't all nailed down in a row, y'know. There were movable desks and you had new friends every month. It was nice; like I say, a lot of classroom freedom...in fact there was so much freedom that by eighth grade, many of us had lost the faith. 'Cause they made questioners out of us and, uh, they really didn't have any answers, y'know. They'd fall back on, "Well, it's a mystery." "Oh, thank you, Father. I dunno. What's he talkin' about? Mystery.  
Part of "class clown" was being an imitator as you've probably noticed but I used to imitate the priests...which was right on the verge of blasphemy, y'know. I could do them all rather well. I did Father Byrne the best. Father Byrne was the, uh, one who used to celebrate the children's Mass. I always thought that was great - 'celebrate Mass' "Yeaaah! Yeah, man!" Father Byrne did the children's Mass; did the sermon every week. He used to do parables about "Dusty and Buddy". Dusty was a Catholic...and Buddy.....was not. And Buddy was always trying to talk Dusty into having a hot dog on Friday. I could, uh, I could do Father Byrne so well that I often wanted to do him in confession, y'know. I wanted to get into Father Byrne's confessional one Saturday maybe a half hour before he showed up and get in there and hear a few confessions, y'know. Because I knew according to my faith and religion that if anyone came in there and really thought I was Father Byrne and really wanted to be forgiven...and perform the penance I had assigned...they would have been forgiven, man! 
'Cause that's what they taught us; it's what's in your mind that counts; your intentions, that's how we'll judge you. What you want to do. Mortal sin had to be a grievous offense, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. Ya had'ta WANNA! In fact, WANNA was a sin all by itself. "Thou Shalt Not WANNA". If you woke up in the morning and said, "I'm going down to 42nd street and commit a mortal sin!" Save your car fare; you did it, man! Absolutely!
It was a sin for you to wanna feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to feel her up. It was a sin to try to feel her up and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins in one feel, man! 
But confession had another..there was another aspect of confession for me. Our neighborhood was right between Columbia University and Harlem. Juilliard School of Music, Grant's Tomb. Uh, two seminaries- Jewish Theological and Union Theological Seminary. I said Harlem was there and then to the north...a Puerto Rican and Cuban section and as Puerto Ricans began to move into our neighborhood, the diocese, in this rare display of tokenism in the early Fifties sent one Spanish priest...Father Rivera...to hear Spanish confessions. And all the Irish guys that were heavily into puberty... would go to confession to Father Rivera. 'Cause he didn't seem to understand the sins, y'know...or at least he didn't take them personally, you know. It wasn't an affront to him. There was no big theological harangue; he didn't chew you out. He was known as a "light penance"; in and out, three "Hail, Mary's"; you're back on the street with Father Rivera, man. You could see the line move; that's how fast he was working. But he wasn't ready for the way Irish boys were confessing at that time and that place... 
('3rd generation' Irish accent) "Uh, bless me, Father, for I have sinned...Uh, I touched myself in an impure manner. I was impure, impurity and impureness. Thought, word indeed. Body, touch, impure, sex, dirty. Impure legs, impureness. Touch, impure dirty body, sex, rub and covet; heavy on the covet, Father, uh.." (Rivera ::  "That's OK, man! Tres Ave Marias!"...You'd be home in five minutes, you know?  
The Irish priest, on the other hand, nice guy, but, uh, first of all, he recognized your voice 'cause you'd grown up there, right? He knew everyone- "What'd you do that for, George?" "Oh, God, he knows, man!" And the Irish priests were always heavily into penance and punishment, y'know? They'd give you a couple of novenas to do, nine first Fridays, five first Saturdays, Stations of the Cross...a trip to Lourdes, wow! That was one of the things that bothered me a little about my religion was that conflict between pain and pleasure.. 'cause they were always pushin' for pain and you were always pullin' for pleasure, man. ..." 
...There were, uh, there were other things that bothered me; perhaps it's, uh, retrospect, y'know. I'm seeing them better now but I think I was troubled too at the time by the fact that my church would keep changing rules. I mean, they would change a rule anytime they wanted. "THIS LAW'S ETERNAL! Except for this weekend! SPECIAL DISPENSATION!" Magic words. Yeah, like eating meat on Friday was definitely a sin - except for the people in Philadelphia; they were number one in the scrap iron drive, yeah! They would give it away as a prize, y'know? If your parish gave the most money to the bishop's relief fund...Hamburgers on Friday, yeah! Wow. And I've been gone a long time now. It's not even a sin anymore to eat meat on Friday but I'll betcha there are still some guys in Hell doing time on the meat rap, right? "I thought it was retroactive! I had a baloney sandwich! This guy had a beef jerky, right? Tell 'em what you had." How'd you like to do eternity for a beef jerky. Yeah, 'cause Hell wasn't no five to ten, y'know. Hell was LATER!   *Part 4 of 5*:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c3YL8xaz2o 
"Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and Limbo. Those were the four big places to go...yeah. Heaven was the only one they showed you pictures of. Drawings. I assume they were drawings, right? Artist's conception of Heaven. You'd find that in, uh, sometimes you'd find that in Treasure Chest, the comic book with Chuck White, the Catholic comic book. (smattering of applause) Yeah, a Chuck White fan. Yeah, occasionally you'd see a picture of Heaven. Heaven was always a lot of yellow and white light, lot of vertical lines. Lot of clouds. Might have been clouds, might have been apartment buildings; you weren't really sure. And a lot of tall angels. Y'ever notice that? Except for the cherubs, all the angels were really tall dudes, yeah. And all blonde. They had far too many blondes in Heaven as far as I was concerned.  
Hell, they never showed you any pictures of Hell; Hell was real easy to understand. Hell was fire and anyone can dig fire, right? "Hey, Hell is like burnin' a hundred Christmas trees an' jumpin' right in the middle, y'know?"  
Purgatory was weird. Purgatory was temporary Hell. It was like it was as bad as Hell but...you knew you were goin' home, man. Often wondered if they had like, short time clubs in Purgatory, y'know. Little buttons - "I'm short two eons, man, hey. I could do an eon standin' on my head, man." Purgatory. 
The weirdest of all was Limbo. Limbo was where they sent unbaptized babies. The reasoning was, "It wasn't their fault". Yep. Can't see God if you're not baptized, but you were too young to make the decision - whip 'em into Limbo. OOO! What could limbo have been, man? (makes spooky noises) "Welcome to Limboooo." I think they've since canceled Limbo. I'm not completely sure, but I think when they, uh, purged a few of the saints, they called off Limbo, too, yeah. Hope they promoted everyone, sent them to Heaven, y'know. Didn't just cut them loose in space, right..yeah. 
Once a week, Father Russell would come in for "Heavy Mystery" time. And you'd save all your weird questions for Father Russell. In fact, you'd make up strange questions. You'd take a whole week thinking up trick questions for Father Russell. "Hey, hey, hey Father! Hey, uh, if God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big that he himself can't lift it? HA, HA, HEEEEEY! WE GOT HIM NOW! AH, HA, HA!" Or else you'd take a very simple sin and surround it with the most bizarre circumstances you could imagine...to try to, y'know, relieve the guilt in the sin. We'd usually end up with the, uh, statement, "Would that then be a sin then, Father?"  
Like, here, this is an example. There was one sin- not receiving communion during Easter time. You had to perform your "Easter duty". You had to receive once between Ash Wednesday and Pentecost Sunday and if you didn't do it, it was a mortal sin. Provided, of course, you had said to yourself, "Hey, I'm not gonna do it this year!" And, uh, there weren't many mortal sins on that, but a lot of guys went to Venial(?) City on Easter duty and so you would ask the priest y'know, you'd..."Hey, Father, hey, uh.." Remember guys would leave their hand up after they got called on, right? And the priest would say, "What are you, the Statue of Liberty, Dunn?" "Oh, sorry Father. Anyways, Father. Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty...and it's Pentecost Sunday...the last day...and you're on a ship at sea...and the chaplain goes into a coma...but you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late...but then you cross the International Date Line!" "Yes, I'm sure God will take that into account. Sit down, Woozie."  ..." 
"... Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali-
It's a nice musical name...Muhammad Ali. 
He's back at work again; he's being allowed to work once again, Muhammad Ali. He wasn't for awhile, as you know. For about three and a half years, they didn't let him work. 'Course he had an unusual job, beating people up. It's a strange calling, y'know? But it's one you're entitled to. Government didn't see it that way. Government wanted him to change jobs. Government wanted him to kill people. He said, "No, that's where I draw the line. I'll beat 'em up, but I don't wanna kill 'em." And the government said, "Well, if you won't kill 'em, we won't let you beat 'em up! Ah, ha, ha, ha."  
It was a spiteful move, y'know. All because he didn't want to go to Vietnam. And now, of course, we're leaving Vietnam...(makes explosion sound) We're leaving through Laos, Cambodia and Thailand. It's the overland route. It's the long way out. Ya gotta go through China and Russia to get out that way. What'll we tell them, man? "We'll only be here six weeks. Just looking for the Ho Chi Minh Trail!" Wow. Maybe they'll buy it, y'know. Of course, you have to remember why we're over there in the first place...(pause, then applause) Oh, yeah! It always comes to me. To free those people...So they can have industry- yeah! US industry- YEAH! Those are the middle two letters of the word 'industry'..US. And that is our job around the world. Run in, free some people and whip a little industry on them. "Here's your industry. Cool it awhile, willya?" So that they can have the benefits of industry that we have come to enjoy...COUGH! 
Oh, beautiful
for smoggy skies
insecticided grain
For strip mined mountains majesty
above the asphalt plain
America, America
Man sheds his waste on thee
and hides the pines
with billboard signs
from sea to oily sea-eee! 
Then you have to have to remember the sexual side of Vietnam which a lot of people don't notice. The Hearst newspapers notice it, of course. Yes, they're into sex on anything. You check the wishing well or the sewing patterns and there's a little something in there. But they're always afraid of pulling out. That's they're big problem, y'know? "Pull out? Doesn't sound manly to me, Bill. I say leave it in there and get the job done!" 'Cause that is, after all, what we're doing to that country, right?
Yeah. And we have always been good at that, you must admit. We, uh, took care of, uh, the blacks, took care of the Indians. I consider the South just another minority that was screwed by the US government. I have no prejudice against them. They got it, too. 'budadoom!' 
We really gave the Indians a fast trip across the continent, you notice that? They were having a little cookout in Massachusetts- buncha boats came up, man..."Hey, ya mind moving over, guys? Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Bring in the stuff. Would you move it over, man. Over three mountain ranges...four mountain ranges. Got 'em onto an offshore island, Alcatraz, right? Off the continent completely! They had to take the island to get it! Then we kicked them off there. "I guess we're going to send them back where they came from." Yeah, we must, we.. They bought the Bering Strait theory. "Get them welfare people to work filling in the Bering Strait and charge them Indians a buck a head to go home. It's a good sound business solution."   *Part 5 of 5*:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB59GLjhR1c

----------


## Lampada

*On the Road*  *Part 1 of 4*:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=luHgPMJBsp0 
"...Jeez, I hope I don't die. Oh, by the way, you're all going to die. I didn't mean to remind you of it but, uh, it is on your schedule. Won't come when you want. It's always off a little. What, now? Here on the freeway? Um hmm. Thought surely I'd be home lying down. Comics are supposed to worry about dying, you know? I don't want to die out there, man. Jeez, I was dying. It was death out there. Like a morgue. On the other hand, if he succeeds- if he makes you laugh- he can say, "I killed 'em! Knocked 'em dead!" Why is there so much violence mixed up with comedy, you know, which should be so much fun? It's all dying and bombing. He bombed. Or else he was a riot! (makes 'riot' noise) A real scream! AAAAUGH! I cracked up laughing! He broke me up, too. I busted a gut laughing! My friend was in stitches! He fractures me with his punch lines...and his GAGS! (makes gagging sound) Slapstick! Knee-slapping! Side-splitting! Rib-splitting! Gut-busting! Laugh....I thought I'd die. 
But I just want to talk about regular dying. Plain old cacking out. Some people think cacking out means to go to sleep. Dying. The big cackaroo. We're all gonna go; when will it be? You know, it should be...instead of a fear thing- it should be sort of fun. Kind of a, you know, the next big adventure. We're going to find out where we go! That's what we've all been talking about. Where the hell do you go? I don't know. Must go somewhere...maybe. Phil has an idea- I know, I heard Phil. But where do you go? I don't know. You're going to find out. Hope it isn't nowhere, man. Think you go where you think you're gonna go. Whatever you dwell on. Did you ever hear those guys- "Oh, don't pray for me. Don't waste your prayers on me. I'm going to hell." He is. If Monty Hall dies, he'll probably go behind Door #4. 
Suicide is for people who can't wait to find out where the hell it is they're going to go. Holy ****! I've been waiting a long time. I don't have many nights like that, but when you think about it, you know, kind of it'd be a goof, man, yeah. Suicide. I've always pictured myself on the ledge. There's got to be a little show business involved. You know, you don't want to slump over a porcelain fixture. Let me get up here. Set the record; be the first guy to reach the double yellow line. Have your picture in the centerfold of the newspaper. Actually, a picture of the building with a dotted line showing "leaper's path".  
Suicide. Suppose you worked on the suicide hot line. Helping people; talking them out of it. That's your job. "Hello, Suicide Hot Line?" Then one morning, you wake up...a little depressed. Should you call in sick? I'd like to see a top salesman commit suicide, a real persuasive guy up on the ledge...and the priest talks him out of it...and he talks the priest into it! 
People say you come back. Reincarnation. Do you think so? Well, it doesn't seem mathematically possible to me, man. Uh, 'course at one time what we had on the earth was six people, you know. I avoid "two" because it's controversial but six.. most people agree, "Fuck, yeah, we had six at one time." Six people, six souls...cool. They died, souls went back to the place; six new people souls- still six souls. Now we have four billion people...claiming to have souls. Someone is printing up souls...and it lowers their value, you know.  *Part 2 of 4*:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=8gChW9semhk 
When I die, I don't want to go through that funeral ****. Funeral. Hey, when you die, you get more popular than you've ever been in your whole life. you get more flowers when you die then you ever got at all. They all arrive at once- too late. People say the nicest things about you. They'll make **** up if they have to, man. "Oh, yeah. He's an *******- but a well-meaning *******." "Yeah, poor Bill is dead." "Yeah, poor Bill is dead." "Poor Tom is gone." "Yeah, poor Tom." "Poor John died." "Yeah, John." "What about Ed?" "No, Ed, that ************'s still alive, man!" "Get him out of here." Your approval curve goes way up, man.  
You might be at one of those funerals where you're lying in the coffin, you know, folks looking at you, they do have them. "Open it up, I want to see him." And you're lying there and they come by and the first thing they do after blessing themselves if they do that...is subtract their age from yours. Figure at a minimum what they still have to live. They don't know you're lying there with no back in your jacket and short pants on. ****. Embarrassed by the rouge. And they say, "Jeez, don't he look good?" "He's dead, man." "I know, but he never looked that good." I don't want to have a funeral like that. I don't want to be cremated, either. I want to be blown up! BOOM! There he goes! God! Love him! 
I figured out the way to commit the perfect murder. Again, you know, you got to think of something. You pick one guy up by his ankles...and you kill another guy with him. And they both die and there's no murder weapon. "What happened here, sarge?" "I don't know. It looks like a pedestrian accident to me. They must have been moving at quite a clip."  
Suppose you're in death row. They got to give you that meal; that last meal. They don't want to hear elephant steaks and **** like that, but within reason, your last meal, man...and suppose you can't decide between steak and lobster. That's it; can't decide. I don't know. Polygraph, truth serum- man doesn't know. Six months alive, can't decide. They'd have to let you live. They can't drag you down the last mile screaming, "I can't decide!" And then one day finally- "OK, all right, OK; give me the steak." "Now how'd ya want that cooked?" "Ohh, I don't know..." 
They say you have a flashback just before you die. See your life over again, kind of a little movie, a little newsreel- (makes 'movie projector' sound ::  "Diddle-enn, diddle-enn, diddle-enn". Again, it doesn't seem mathematically possible, hm? OK, you're out in the surf (GASP), second, third time (GASP). You're about to die and the movie starts- "diddle-enn, diddle-enn, diddle-enn". Now you've got to see the whole movie, including the ending, which involves arriving at the beach...walking out into the surf and having the movie start. You're going to see it again. Thanks to the movie, we can never die. 
But I say if you're going to die, die big. Entertain those you leave behind. Posthumous reflexes. You know, dying takes place in stages...and not all of the electrical energy in your brain is discharged when you're dead. Every now and then, a corpse goes 'GNORRRT!' Veterans know, "No, no. That's just electricity." But I say if we have this possibility, let's plan those reflexes. Do something entertaining. Roll over on the autopsy table. Cross your legs, scratch your balls. Do something. Be fun.  
But you can entertain and the only reason I suggest you can something to do with the way you die is a little known...and less understood portion of death called..."The Two Minute Warning." Obviously, many of you do not know about it, but just as in football, two minutes before you die, there is an audible warning: "Two minutes, get your **** together" and the only reason we don't know about it is 'cause the only people who hear it...die! And they don't have a chance to explain, you know. I don't think we'd listen anyway. But there is a two minute warning and I say use those two minutes. Entertain. Uplift. Do something. Give a two minute speech. Everyone has a two minute speech in them. Something you know, something you love. Your vacation, man...two minutes. Really do it well. Lots of feeling, lots of spirit and build- wax eloquent for the first time. Reach a peak. With about five seconds left, tell them, "If this is not the truth, may God strike me dead!' THOOM! From then on, you command much more attention. Maybe you get your two minute warning when you're in the office. Get up and start your own funeral collection. "What's the record, Bill? I'd like to top the record." Whatever your motive. You might be at an exercise program. Get up and volunteer for something strenuous. Do the Lindy hops and refuse to stop when they do. Tell them you have a new exercise- the Hindu Death Exercise...jump 'till you die. Maybe you'll get your two minute warning when you're in the audience at a faith healer's program. "Two Minutes!" Get up and get on line with the healees. Tell 'em you got the willies. No one knows what the willies look like anyway, man. Just get on line and time it right, fifteen seconds and you kneel down, she puts her hands on your shoulder and you DIE! "Evangelist Slays Worshiper- Fifty Thousand Look On- Police Sift Clues." That's what they do, man. Sift clues.   
How are ya? Have a good halftime? Did you spell anything out? Hey...We were going to talk about kids. Getting into being a kid. 'Cause they've got extra things going against them. Besides being too young, kids have the extra disadvantage of being too small. You're too small, too little. It's true; you are kinda teeny. They start you out small, don't they? "Look at this, Dan. We've got a kid." "Say, looks like the one we had. Whatcha gonna do with him?" "Gonna raise him." "Well, don't plant him too deep."  
You're stuck down there and the whole world's up here. It must have some effect, huh? Everything is a stiff neck and a crotch view. Everything is built for them; all the furniture. Oh, they give you one little table and four chairs in your room, you know, but your brother sits on 'em and breaks them, right? Everything's a- eh, pardon me, excuse me, eh, pardon me, eh, could I have your attention? Eh, excuse me, eh, I'm down here. Watch out for the cigarette, will you? God, the cigarette! Eh, pardon me, would you take a look for the cookies? Would you take the cookies? They're up there somewhere. They're not down here. They don't leave 'em here. They're up there. Take a look, would you? Would you get the cookies? Hey, would you look? Would you help him? Hey, he knows where they are. Hey, tell him where the cookies are. Hey, could you could you could you... The only thing you're really familiar with is the nap of the rug, you know. 
And because you're so small...because you're so small... They pick you up and throw you in the air. You don't see 'em throwing each other in the air, do you? Just you because you're teeny. Your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving. "Ah, look at him! Ain't he little? I'm gonna throw him up in the air. Here we go! (Whoa! Ahhhh!) ..."  *Part 3 of 4*:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=eMt5QvyHmjU 
"Okay, okay, all right, okay, I got ya, I got ya. (Splat!) Oh, oh Margaret, I'm sorry. I lost him in the sun. Is there any turkey left?" 
The kids have rules to live up to, but most of the rules were tough. They had some good rules, y'know, I don't mean to put them down. Parents had some pretty good rules. No running with the scissors. That's one I never disobeyed. Made sense to me. This big mother'll go right through me. "What are you doing?" "I'm not running with the scissors...for one thing." They had a couple more good rules. They had another one: No sticking your head out of the high speed railroad train window. Say, goddamn, Dad, good rule. Doesn't want our heads chopped off. Fantastic, Dad. 
But then they had some dumb rules: No running in the hall. Where ya gonna run? In the rooms? Gotta keep turning in the rooms, man, ****! You can't get up any speed at all, man, ****! Hallways were made for runners. The hallway sprint - try to take that quick right before you crash into the statue of the Sacred Heart - man blow everybody...blow the whole feast day. They had another dumb rule: No singing at the table. Why not? One guy with a bad voice fucked it up for everybody else? No singing at the table. How about humming? No, by extension, humming and whistling included. There's no such rule as no screaming at the top of your lungs at the table. That ought to be good to try that. Show me the rule. You could stand right next to the table and sing your *** off. Just don't sit down, man. "I'm standing near the table during dinner and I'm singing and it isn't even covered by your rules." "Sit down, you." That was your middle name...you. "Come here, you." 
Then there were the cliches; lazy language. But we had answers for those cliches, man. Kids had answers for those cliches. We didn't get to deliver them, you know. No sense getting the **** beat out of you every day. But we had answers. The most popular and used child's answer that went on, I think, without the parent hearing it was- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah- Huh? No, no, I didn't say anything. Well, thinking out loud, I guess.  
Hey, you really want to make a friend of your parents? Contradict them in front of their friends. Oh, they love that. "Wrong, Ma!" "Don't you ever (SMACK!) contradict me (POW! WHACK!) in front of my (CRUNCH!) friends. It didn't matter what they said; we had an answer. "Don't you understand English?" "Not fully, no." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Six. (WHOP!) ****, thought you were looking for information, Ma." "Don't talk back to me!" "Huh?" "Don't talk back!" "You're teaching me a language, aren't you? You're telling me no more practicing?" "I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" "I'll blow bubbles out my ***!" "You just wait 'til your father comes home!" "Eh, hot ****! That ************ never comes home. Thanks, Ma, I'll see you later. I'll be bad for a week."  
There's one last cliche. Not everyone got to hear it, but it was out there. "I have tried to be both a mother and father to you." "Go **** yourself!" "That's the thanks I get..." "That's the thanks you get." Sounds like a bum deal. There are a lot of little phrases and expressions, too—language items that occur in your childhood, that you don’t get to use after you grow up. Things you leave behind. Stuff you don’t say anymore, like, ‘NYAAAH, NYAAAH, NYAH-NYAH, NYAAH!’ I have an awful time working that in. Words like ‘fraidy-cat.’ ‘I’ll be going to Chicago, Dan. Bill’s a fraidy-cat, he won’t fly, ha ha. Fucking fraidy-cat, Bill, ha ha. [basso voice] Fraidy-cat, fraidy-cat.’  
You don’t go around saying, ‘Y’know what?’ ‘What?’ ‘That’s what!’ They put that right on your employee record, man. By the way, if a kid ever comes up to and says, ‘Y’know what?’ Tell them, ‘Yes,’ and walk away. Pisses them off.  
And you know what? For a long time—a long time—no one has asked me to put on my thinking cap. I don’t even know if I still have mine. Yes—it’s probably in the closet. I had one—didn’t you have one? Shit, I saw mine. Big leather—kind of a leather deal. Hoops coming out, big hoops. Mmmm—oh, boy. This shit will be easy now. ‘Can’t you get that through your thick skull?’ ‘Keeps hitting my thinking cap!’ 
"HOW'S YOUR DOG? HOW'S YOUR GODDAMN DOG?" Did you ever have a guy who asks you that? "HOW'S YOUR DOG?" Fine, he's all right. They're not your dogs; they're our dogs! Every now and then one of us has one for awhile. But they're our dogs. 
Okay, you're home at night, got the TV on, but you got the lights on too 'cause you're reading. Doggie's there. Doing a crossword puzzle; answer the phone. You got a Pepsi, bag of Doritos, hey. Does this happen in your house? If a dog is shown on television, do you try to get your dog to look at the dog? "Look at the dog! Look at the dog! Look at the doggie! LOOK AT THE DOG, YOU *******!" They never look where you want, do they? They look at your hand. "Look over there..." "What's his hand doing up there, man? His hand is on my head! What did I do wrong?" "Well, for one thing, you missed the dog!"  
Okay, same situation now. You're up in the bedroom with your person, lights on, reading, talking, doing the puzzle, doggie's there, TV's on. Got about half a Pepsi left; Doritos holding out nice. And one of you says to the other-[SNIFF] 'Honey, did you fart?" "I thought you farted." "No, not me, that's not even one of my farts. I know. The dog farted! WHY DID YOU FART, TIPPY? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his *** open up. Just like that." "I see." "Well, I just happened to be looking at his *** by chance. I thought he was doing deep breathing exercises. I don't know. What the hell do I know about the dog, for Chrissakes?" 
Now you're in the public part of your house; you're in the living room, doggie's there and you have some friends in. A few neighbors sittin' around the coffee table. See you brought out your Pepsi, but **** 'em- let 'em get their own Doritos, man. I'm not here to feed the neighborhood. But you're sitting around and talking's nice and the DOG IS LICKING HIS BALLS! And nobody mentions it. Spectacular thing going on! If I could reach, I'd never leave the house, man, are you kidding? They say things like, "Isn't he cute? He's taking a bath!" "He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge. Yeah, he's been on that one spot for over an hour now. It's a mighty selective bath."  *Part 4 of 4*:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=3dx4Exz4XGs 
" "I see." "Well, I just happened to be looking at his *** by chance. I thought he was doing deep breathing exercises. I don't know. What the hell do I know about the dog, for Chrissakes?" 
Now you're in the public part of your house; you're in the living room, doggie's there and you have some friends in. A few neighbors sittin' around the coffee table. See you brought out your Pepsi, but **** 'em- let 'em get their own Doritos, man. I'm not here to feed the neighborhood. But you're sitting around and talking's nice and the DOG IS LICKING HIS BALLS! And nobody mentions it. Spectacular thing going on! If I could reach, I'd never leave the house, man, are you kidding? They say things like, "Isn't he cute? He's taking a bath!" "He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge. Yeah, he's been on that one spot for over an hour now. It's a mighty selective bath. "

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## Lampada

*Don't Pull The Plug On Me!*  *Language!*  
" And don't be pulling any plugs on me either. Here's another bunch of macho ******* bullshit floating around this country. People talking about, "Aw, pull the plug on me. If I'm ever like that. If I'm comatosed, if I'm like a vegetable, pull the plug on me." **** you! Leave my plug alone! Get an extension cord for my plug! I want everything you got, tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IVs. You got something (click), stick it in me, man. You find out I got a hole I didn't know I had, put a ******' plug in it! Vegetable? ****, I don't care if I look like an artichoke. Ssaaaaave my ***! There's three things I want if I'm ever in that condition. Three things I gotta have. Ice cream, morphine and television. You give me that ice cream every two hours. Give me that morphine, about...every ten minutes. And turn on the ******* TV! I wanna see Geraldo! And don't be coming to visit me. I got no time for live people. I'm brain-dead here. Ain't you people got no respect for the brain-dead? Hey, you gotta be brain-dead to watch Geraldo in the first place. You might as well watch it when you're clinically brain-dead. "

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## Lampada

*Occupation: Foole*  
Part 4 of 5: 
"...Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, 'cause words or people are into words. They want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, "Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead." 
Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely couldn't say, ever, 'cause I heard a lady say ***** one night on television, and it was cool; like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the ***** is the first one to notice that in the litter, Johnny. Right. And, uh, bastard you can say and hell and damn, so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and...ever and it came down to seven, but the list is open to amendment and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself.  
The original seven words were, ****, ****, ****, ****, **********, ************ and ****. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands...and maybe even bring us, God help us, peace without honor. And now the first thing that we noticed was that word **** was really repeated in there because the word ************ is a compound word and it's another form of the word ****. You want to be a purist it doesn't really- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, ********** is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word- the half 'sucker'- that's merely suggestive and the word **** is a halfway dirty word, 50% dirty- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. "And the **** crowed three times." "Hey, the **** crowed three times! It's in the Bible! **** is in the Bible!" And the first time you heard about a cockfight, remember- What? Huh? Naw. It ain't that, are you stupid, man? It's chickens, you know? Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, **** and ****. The word ****, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, "Oh ****! Oh ****, oh ****." If she drops something. "Oh, ****! I dropped the broccoli. ****!" (Carlin is handed a note from offstage) Thank you.  
(from audience:Read it!)  
Shiiiiit! I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? That's true. Thank you. Thank you, man. Yeah. Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thanks, for that and for the Grammy, man, 'cause that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay, man. Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, ****. Ha!  
So! Now the word **** is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, "Get that **** out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that **** anymore. I can't cut that ****, buddy. I've had that **** up to here. I think you're full of **** myself. He don't know **** from Shinola. You know that?" Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that. "Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola!" "Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. How are ya?" "Boy, I don't know whether to **** or wind my watch. Guess, I'll **** on my watch". "Oh, the **** is going to hit de fan." "Built like a brick shithouse." "Oh, he's up ****'s creek. He's had it." Hot ****, holy ****, tough ****, eat ****. ****-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. "He had a ****-eating grin!" "He had a what?" **** on a stick. **** in a handbag. I always liked that. "He ain't worth **** in a handbag." "Shitty. He acted real shitty. You know what I mean? I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude." "Hey, he had a ****-fit!" Wow! ****-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. 
Part 5 of 5:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=hAhShnklAts 
 All the animals- Bullshit, horse ****, cow ****, rat ****, bat ****. First time I heard bat ****, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw, bat ****! Vera reminded me of that last night. Snake ****, slicker than owl ****. Get your **** together. **** or get off the pot. I got a shitload full of them. I got a ****-pot full, all right. ****-head, ****-heel, **** in your heart, **** for brains, ****-face, hey. I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some ****, you know. "Hey, I'm ****-face! ****-face, today!" Anyway, enough of that ****.  
The big one, the word fuck; that's the one that hangs them up the most. 'Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, ****, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. ****. Boom. You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound "fuh". Ends with a "kuh". Right? A little something for everyone. Fu-ck. Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. "Who are you?" "I am ****! **** OF THE MOUNTAIN!" Tune in again next week to **** OF THE MOUNTAIN! It's an interesting word too, 'cause it's got a double kind of a life- personality- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word ****. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time- ****! What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to ****, yeh, we're going to ****, yeh, we're going to make love. We're really going to ****, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life...and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's the one that you save toward the end of the argument. Right? You finally can't make out. "Aw, **** you, man! I said, **** you! Stupid ****. **** you and everybody that looks like you, man!"  
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word **** for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. "Mad ****** still on the loose!" "Stop me before I **** again." "Fuck the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump." "Easy on the clutch, Bill, you'll **** that engine again." The other **** one was, "I don't give a ****." Like it's worth something, you know? "I don't give a ****." "Hey, well, I don't take no ****, you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no ****? 'Cause I don't give a ****. If I give a ****, I would have to pack ****. But I don't pack no **** cause I don't give a ****." "You wouldn't **** me, would you?" That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ***. "You wouldn't **** me, would you?" It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.  
The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and ****, those three. Fart, we talked about, it's harmless. It's like ****, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? The subject never comes up on the panel, so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word **** is an interesting word. ****! "Yeh, right in the ****." **** is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and ***** all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, "We're going to snatch that ***** and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane!" Everybody loves it. The **** stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, *** is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day.You can't say, "Up your ***!" You can say stuff it. There are certain things you can say; its weird, but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also.

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## Lampada

*Toledo Window Box - 1974*  *Part 1 of 5*:   
"How do you feel? Ok? (guy shouts)
Make him a row captain right away.
You elected row captains, didn't you?
Well, it's in your interest. Lot of audiences take the easy way; they pick the guy on the end. That's what we did in 1972 and '68. Let's not do it again, man. 
My job, essentially, is thinking up goofy ****. Comes right down to that. I mean, you don't have time all week...signing checks, going to the laundry, answering the door, "Herbie, come here". Lot of interruptions (another shout from crowd) Hi! Yes, you are in this. You may say anything you like. You don't have a lotta lines, granted. You have to think of them, but it's often hard for me to understand them, 'cause oddly enough, these places are built for the voices to go that way...and what I hear is, 'wushnuhveer...' I have to turn around.."Get off there, you *******!"  
So I think up the goofy **** and come on the weekend and report it to you. For instance, have you ever noticed...on the escalator, that the handrail moves a little bit faster than the thing you're standing on? Have you noticed that all frozen peas are the same size. There are no really large frozen peas. It's like...Have you ever started a path? No one bothers to start one. We don't mind using the ones that are there. "Over here on the path..." D'ja ever take the time- start a path; go ahead. It's a little hard; you have to hold the grass down yourself at first. 
If you're a discus thrower and you practice alone...you gotta go get it yourself! All the **** you can talk about - nobody bothers talking about. Who empties the wishing well?
Acupuncture. We know you can go if your complaint is pain, but can you go to the acupuncturist if your complaint is that you have thousands of tiny needle holes all over your body? What would he do?  
Anyway, hi and say, how are ya and welcome to the big GC show here. Lots of the big sounds coming up for ya; we're playing the big tunes between now and midnight. Time, temperature checks, news on the half-hour, bulletins when they happen! ...We'll have it all. ..."

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## Lampada

*The Hair Piece*  
"...I'm aware some stare at my hair
In fact, some really despair of my hair
But I don't care
'cause they're not aware
nor are they debonair
In fact, they're just square
They see hair down to there
say BEWARE and go off on a tear
I say "No fair"
A head that's bare is really nowhere
So be like a bear
Be fair with your hair
Show it you care
Wear it to there, or to there,
or to THERE if you dare
My wife bought some hair at a fair
to use as a spare
Did I care? Au contraire!
Spare hair is fair
In fact, hair can be rare
Fred Astaire got no hair
nor does a chair
or a chocolate eclair
And where is the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon frere
Now that I've shared this affair of the hair
I think I'll repair to my lair 
and use Nair, do you care?
Here's my beard
Ain't it weird?
Don't be sceered
's just a beard   ..."

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## Lampada

*Playin' with Your Head - 1986*   *Part 1 of 6*:      (Начиная с 7:11 минуты) 
" Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya, how do ya do, how ya doin', how's it goin', what's goin' on, what's new, whatdya think, whatdya hear, whatdya say, whatdya feel, what's shakin', what's happenin', que pasa, what's goin down, what it is. Well, we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We've got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite is? "How's you hammer hangin'?" That's a good one, isn't it? Doesn't work to well with women. Unless you're talking to a female carpenter, then it's all right. I've always wanted to say that one to a high church official. "Good evening, Your Holiness, how hangs the hammer?" So far, haven't had that opportunity. 
Then there's one way to say hello that I really don't care for, one way I really don't like. You know some people will say to you, "Are they keepin' ya busy?" As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say "Are they keepin' ya busy?", I say, "Well, your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I'll tell ya that." And that seems to hold 'em for about a half hour. Then there's a lot of ways to say goodbye; we've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye, too. We say bye bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang loose, stay in there, ya know what my favorite is? "Don't get run over." Well, some people need practical advice. Some guys'll say to ya, "Hey, have a good one", I say' "Hey, I already have a good one. Now I'm lookin for a longer one." And that seems to hold 'em for about half an hour.  
Then ya have all the foreign ways to say goodbye. Some guys when they're leavin' ya, they think they gotta get tricky. And they'll whip an "arrivederci" on ya. Or Au revoir or Auf Weidersehen or Adios. Or the American version of that one, "Adios, muthafucker!" Or Aloha. That's a nice one isn't it, aloha. They say that in Hawaii, of course. It means hello and goodbye. Which just goes to show if you spend to much time in the sun, you don't know whether you're comin' or goin'.  
Then have you noticed this, you get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. You ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody, you feel a little stupid. Like if your leavin' a party, and you have to say goodbye to five people, you say "OK, hey take it easy, OK, hey take it easy, OK, hey take it easy..", you feel like a goddamn moron, ya know? So you know what I do? Every month, I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not, every month I start using a different phrase. People notice that. They appreciate that extra effort. They'll say to me, "Pardon me, didn't you used to say, 'OK, hey take it easy'". I say, "Yes I did. but not anymore." Now I say, "Farewell". Farewell, 'til we meet again, peace be with you, may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. That's a strong one isn't it? People will remember you if you talk like that.  
Then sometimes you can combine certain ways to say goodbye that don't really seem to go together, like, "Toodle-oo, go with God, and don't take any wooden nickels." Then people don't know what the **** you're talking about! Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. "So long Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life." Well, some people need practical advice.   *Part 2 of 6*:   
"Then sometimes you can combine certain ways to say goodbye that don't really seem to go together, like, "Toodle-oo, go with God, and don't take any wooden nickels." Then people don't know what the **** you're talking about! Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. "So long Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life." Well, some people need practical advice. ..."   Page151

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## Lampada

*Icebox Man*   
" I'm the ice box man at our house. I'm Ice Box Man! I answer the call when there's a need at the ice box. Two very important responsibilities, the first one is: keeping people from standing with the door to the refrigerator open for more than 45 minutes at a time. God, that gets me mad - "YOU WANT TO CLOSE THAT GODDAMN DOOR PLEASE? YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR?! YOU'RE LETTING OUT ALL OF THE COLDNESS I SAVED OVERNIGHT! COME ON, CLOSE THE DOOR!" - you know, some guy smoked eight joints and he's gonna inventory my refrigerator. "Ummmm...Ummm...Uhhh.... "Here, here's fifty dollars- go down to the Burger King. Willya, God! We'll save more than that on electricity alone. Close the goddamn door, willya?"
Look, if you wanna know what's in there, why don't you take a Polaroid picture and go away and look at the picture and then come back and figure out what you want. Years ago, we didn't have Polaroid cameras. We had to make an OIL PAINTING of what was in there!  
Aah, I don't let it get me down. 'Cause there's a bigger responsibility. And that is getting into that refrigerator and deciding which things need to be thrown away. Most people will not take that responsibility. Most people will just go and get what they want, leave everything else alone and say, "Well, someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that" Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller and smaller and smaller and is, in fact stuck to the rack. Well, I've got to go in there and decide when to throw things away. "Chocolate pudding? Does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding left. It's only pulled away from the side of the dish about three inches all the way around. And there's a huge fault running through the center of the pudding. Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this point. Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden chocolate pudding skin? I'm only going to throw it away."  
Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that if you don't eat it, they're only going to throw it away. Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy? "Here's something to eat, Dave. Hurry up, it's spoiling!" "Something for you, Angela. Eat quickly, that green part is moving!" "Here, Bob. Eat this before I give it to an animal." Y'ever been looking through the refrigerator and you come across an empty plate? Boy, that starts me to wondering. Did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the tuna! Maybe that chicken isn't really dead yet. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, y'know. Just waiting for the lights to go out.  
Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator and come out with something that you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a time like that, I'll bluff. "Honey, is this good?" "Well, what is it?" "I don't know. I've never seen anything like it. It looks like...meatcake!" "Well, smell it." (snort, sniff) "It has absolutely no smell whatsoever!" "It's good! Put it back! Somebody is saving it. It'll turn up in something." Thats what frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge and use it just because it's in there.  
It's a leftover. What a sad word that is. Leftover. How would you like to be...a leftover? Well, it wouldn't be bad if they were taking people out to be shot. I might even volunteer. But, y'know, leftovers make you feel good twice. D'ja ever think about that? When you first put them away, you feel really intelligent- "I'm saving food!" And then, after a month, when hair is growing out of them and you throw them away you feel...really intelligent- "I'm saving my life!" 
When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down and get 'the good bread'? It's kind of a self preservation thing, y'know? What you're really saying is, "Let my family eat the rotten bread! I'll take care of Numero Uno!" And down you go into the loaf. Down, looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And you have to be careful pulling them out so they don't tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten them out. I think, screw it, let 'em think a burglar made a sandwich. Not my job, straightening out the bread. 
Gotta tell me. In the refrigerator, who is it, please that puts into the refrigerator the half-gallon containers of milk with only that much left in them? I get one of those every time. Hey, here's some milk- fooom! ...God, not enough to drink. Better put that back, huh? I know my responsibilities. "

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## Lampada

*Interview with Jesus*   
" I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus? 
JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back. 
I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back? 
JC: Mostly nostalgia. 
I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here? 
JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. 
I: Yes. 
JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm not complainin'. It's only material. 
I: Were you really born in a stable? 
JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started. 
I: And is it true that there was no room at the inn? 
JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations. 
I: There's a story that there were three wise men. 
JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me. 
I: Didn't they bring gifts? 
JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you? 
I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin. 
JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself. 
I: What would that be? 
JC: Oh, I don't know...a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. A bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories. 
I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform? 
JC: A total of 107 miracles...not countin' the loaves and the fishes. 
I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes? 
JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle. 
I: It wasn't?! 
JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway. 
I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?! 
JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure. 
I: So, not all of the New Testament is true. 
JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta drugs. See, Luke was a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything. 
I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?  
JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that. 
I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead. 
JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine. 
I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine? 
JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days. 
I: But did you really ever turn water into wine? 
JC: Not that I know of. Uh, one time, I did turn apple juice into milk, but I really don't remember the water and wine thing. 
I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle- walking on the water. I mean, did that really happen? 
JC: Oh, yeah, that was one that really happened. Y'see, the problem was, I could do it; the other guys couldn't do it. They were jealous. Peter got mad at me, so he got these shoes made. Special big shoes that if ya start out walkin' real fast, you can float on the water for awhile. Then of course, after a few yards, la la la looms, he goes right down into the water; he sinks like a rock. That's why I call him Peter. "Thou art Peter and upon this rock, I shall build my Church." 
I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. Uh, what can you tell us about the Apostles? 
JC: Well, they were a good bunch of guys, you know. They smelled a little like bait, but oh, they was a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of 'em we had. 
I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve. 
JC: Well that was according to St. Luke and I told ya about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen apostles. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James...that's a different James, Thaddeus...lessee, how many is that? 
I: That's ten. 
JC: Okay, uh, Simon, Judas and Red. 
I: Red? 
JC: Uh-huh. We call him 'Red the Apostle.' 
I: Red the Apostle? 
JC: Uh-hmm. 
I: He doesn't appear in the Bible. 
JC: Nahh. He kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the miracles. He was a little strange. He thought the Red Sea was named after him. 
I: What about Judas. 
JC: Hey. Don't get me started on Judas... 
I: Kay.. Well, what about the other apostles. Uh, say for instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter? 
JC: This guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin', you know? He was always askin' me for my ID. Soon as I see him- "Got any ID?" To this day, he doesn't believe I'm God. 
I: Are you God? 
JC: Well, partly. You know that. I'm a member of the Trinity. 
I: Yes, in fact you've written a book about the Trinity, haven't you.  
JC: That's right. It's called, "Three's a Crowd." 
I: "Three's a Crowd." 
JC: Um-hmm. 
I: As I understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost. 
JC: Listen, it's not an attack. You wanna know what it is? I don't get along with the Holy Ghost, all right? So I leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business. 
I: Well, why? What's the reason? 
JC: Well, first of all, ya never know who he's gonna be. Every day he shows up, he's somethin' different. One day he comes in the meetin', he's a dove, then he's a tongue of fire, always foolin' around. (annoyed) Listen, I don't bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him. I don't see him. I don't talk to him. 
I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?  
JC: Oh, yeahhh, there's a Hell, sure. There's also a Heck. It's not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell. 
I: What about Purgatory? 
JC: No. Don't know nothin' about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Hell, Heck and Limbo. 
I: What is Limbo like? 
JC: I don't know. No one's allowed in there. If anyone was in there, then it wouldn't be Limbo. Then it would be a place. 
I: Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus, what can you tell us about The Last Supper? 
JC: Well, first of all, if I had known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never wanna be crucified on a empty stomach. 
I: The Crucifixion must have been terrible. 
JC: It was awful; I gotta tellya. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was..and tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. I think, more than anything, it was embarrassing. Y'know right in front of everybody to be crucified. But I dont know, I guess it redeemed a lotta people. 
I: Were you scared? 
JC: Yeah. Near the end, I thought it was gonna rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightnin'. But...all in all, I would say that when I was here, I had a good time. 
I: What do you think about Christianity? 
JC: Well, I'm a little embarrassed by it. Uh, if I had to do it over again, I think I would start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Now Buddha was smart. That's why he's laughin'. 
I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian? 
JC: No. I would never want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! Buddha's laughin'. I'm on the cross! 
I: I have a few more questions; do you mind? 
JC: Hey, be my guest. How often do I get here? 
I: Are there really angels? 
JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of 'em. Today, ya can't get the young people to join. Y'know, it got too dangerous with radar and heat seeking missiles. 
I: What about guardian angels? 
JC: Well, we still have guardian angels, but now it's one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody had his own angel. 
I: Do you really answer prayers? 
JC: No. First of all, most of 'em don't even get through. I mean, ya got sunspots; ya got radio interference. Years ago we answered them all...but years ago, there were less people...and people prayed for something simple then- to light a fire, to catch a yak; somethin' like that. But today, ya got people prayin' for hockey teams, people prayin' for longer fingernails. We just can't keep up with it. 
I: Well, I think we're just about outta time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us. 
JC: Hey, no sweat. 
I: Do you have any last thoughts or words of advice? 
JC: What- You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment; somethin' like that? 
I: No, I mean spiritual advice. 
JC; Well, I don't know how spiritual it is, but I'd say one thing is don't give your money to the church. They should be givin' their money to you. 
I: Well, thank you Jesus..and good night. 
JC: Well, good night. Thanks for havin' me on here today. By the way, big bands are definitely not comin' back. "

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## Lampada

*Join the Book Club!*  
"Join the Book Club! As an introductory offer, we'll send you the following books absolutely free: Eat, Run, Stay Fit And Die Anyway, How To Seem Intelligent, There's Big Money In Staying Put, Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For 16 Hours a Day, Your Thighs Control Your Life, How To Fillet A Panda, Rid Yourself Of Doubt...Or Should You?, Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of ****, How To Give Yourself A Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed, 64 Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope, Why Jews Point, 100 Dead People Nobody Misses, Backpacking For Shut-Ins, My Dog Is A Real Fruit, Your Shoes Are Worth Money, Reorganizing Your Pockets, What To Wear On The Toilet, 124 Simple Exercises For The Teeth, The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future, Tips On Getting Laid, Self-Mutilation As An Attention Getter, 600 Ways To Give People The Shaft, Tremble Your Way To Fitness, You Give Me Six Weeks And I'll Give You Some Disease.  
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Poems for the Insane, A Treasury of Poorly Understood Ideas, Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers, A Complete List of All The Things That Are Still Pending 
And these books on food are yours: The Intravenous Cookbook, The Meaning Of Corn, Fill Your Life With Croutons, The Food Coloring Diet, Cooking For The Paralyzed, Cooking With Heat 
And, if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened, Things No One Can Help, Understanding People You'll Never Meet, 6 Ways To **** Up Before Breakfast, Marriage For One, I Suck-You Suck, Let's Change The Alphabet, Famous Bullshit Stories, Sport Fishing With Power Saws, Why Hawaii And Norway Are Not Near Each Other  
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: A List Of People Who Mean Well, Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin, 10 Things We Don't Know Yet, Caring For The Seated, The Wrong Underwear Can Kill, Trotting Across Zaire, Why It Doesn't Snow Any More, A Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Effects, Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To, I Gave Up Hope And Died And It Worked!, Famous People Who Were Wiry, The Lives Of Six Extremely Short Saints, Anna May Wong's **** Are Made Of Aluminum 
And if you join today, we'll send the following instruction books absolutely free: How To Do Everything At Once, How To Give People Your Best Regards, How To Spoil Other People's Fun, How To Kill A Rat With An Oboe, How To Organize A Tupperware Gang Bang, How To Wave Goodbye Without Moving Your Arms, How To Spot Truly Vicious People In Church, How To Get Back From Boston, How To Lease Out The Space Inside Your Nose, How To Get A Tan With A Flashlight, How To Start A Range War, How To Spot A Creep From A Distance, How To Give A King A Really Hard Time, How To Kill Your Nephew, How To Become A Greaseball and How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income.  
So call now. Right now! Join the Book Club today!"

----------


## Lampada

*The Metric System*   
(Начиная с 1:02) "... Dig this. The metric system...is coming into the USA and use in the USA soon and that means you and your old lady will go down and cop a kilo of hamburger! Can you imagine cleanin' up a key of hamburger? Roll one, smoke one, eat one; roll one, smoke one, eat one. You could always get a lid of baloney if you didn't have much bread. Nickel bag of giblets. "Don't get the meatloaf, man, somebody snipped on it. The meatloaf is cut with veal and pork, man." Gram o' ham.."Hey, wanna do a coupla lines o' ham?" "Yeah, all right. Gotta get this gristle outta here, man."  
In New York City, a consumer group measured all the hot dogs and what they had in 'em...and there are allowable levels of what's called "filth". By the...Yes...Food and Drug Administration has "filth limits" and it's all part of our ever increasingly interesting values system but the filth thing is very small and they're measured in "bug parts, roach droppings, rodent hairs", okay? So they study all these hot dogs; sixteen brands in New York and they get your - "fifty percent water, ninety-nine percent fat" and a lot of large things and then some stuff that looks like meat that a guy threw in when he was thinking of meat...or looking at a picture of some meat...and then, ya got yer filth, what ya call yer filth and every one of the sixteen brands had some traces of...rodent hairs, roach droppings...bug parts. Which, I think this means that someday, we will advertise hot dogs like cigarettes. "Low tar, low nicotine" "Yes, we have less roach droppings than the other leading brands!" ..."

----------


## Lampada

*On Our Similarities*:   http://youtube.com/watch?v=cgps85scy1g

----------


## Lampada

Tribute to George Carlin 
School project:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxTuLmSa_Y0 
Bill Maher and other comedians on Larry King: 
Part 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLIwE9dRHDs
Part 2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PowoFf76kRs

----------


## Lampada

*The Hair Piece/Sharing A Swallow*

----------


## Lampada

Language! *Things you never see or hear*  
You'd never see a guy jogging down the street listening to a Shitman. No, that's one of those things you never see. There's a lot of things you never see and you don't know you don't see 'em because you don't see 'em. You gotta see something first to know you never saw it. Then you see it and say, "Hey, I never saw that." Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says "Shit happens." You never a really big, tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with a roll-bar. You never see someone taking a **** while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a *****. 
Then there are some things you never hear. That makes sense, some things you never hear. You never hear this: "Dad, you really ought to drink more." Here's something you don't hear too often. "Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone!" Here is something no one has ever heard ever. Ever. "As soon as I put this hot poker in my ***, I'm going to chop my dick off." You know why you never that? Right! No one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing. No one ever thought to say that before tonight. I'm the first person in the world put those words together in that particular order. First guy. Number one. Here's something you don't hear too often. "Honey, let's sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally." "Mom, mom I got a big date tonight. Can I borrow a French tickler from you?" 
Then there are some things you don't want to hear. Some things you just flat don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, "Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?" You don't want to be sitting in your doctor's office and hear this- "Well Jim, there's no reason why you shouldn't live another twenty to thirty years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes." Here's something I don't want to hear. "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!" "Calm down; have some dip." "Honey, it's the police. They have a search warrant...and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room."  
Here's something nobody wants to hear. Nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fianc

----------


## Lampada

*On driving * “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

----------


## Lampada

*"Visors & Singers With One name"*

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## Lampada

*FM and AM*
Part 1: 
"I got fired last year in Las Vegas from the Frontier Hotel for saying 'shit' in a town where the big game is called 'crap'. That's some kind of a double standard, y'know? I'm sure there was some Texan standing out in the casino yelling, "Aw, ****! I crapped!" And they fly those guys in free, y'know? Fired me... ****. You can get in as much trouble saying **** as you can smokin' it down there.  
Shit's a nice word. It's a friendly, happy, y'know, kind of word. Handy word. Middle class has never really been into ****, y'know, as a word. No, not really comfortable. Not completely into it. Y'know, not really relaxed with it. You'll hear it around the kitchen if someone drops a casserole, y'know, "Oh, ****! Oh! Oh, look at the noodles! Oh, ****! Don't say that, Johnny, just hear it. Oh, ****!" Sometimes they say 'shoot'. They can't kid me, man. 'Shoot' is 'shit' with two 'o's. 
No one ever uses the word **** really literally, y'know? It's always figurative speech. "Hey, get that **** outta here, willya? Just move that **** away. I don't wanna hear that ****. I don't have to take that ****. I'm not full of... You're full of ****! Whaddya think I am, a shithead, or something? I don't need that ****." It's always figurative. You never hear anyone say, "Look at the ****, Martha! Wow! Little piles of **** in the street. Wow." They don't say that. They have other words for that. Doo-doo, ca-ca, poo-poo and good old number two. Could never figure that one out, man. How did they arrive at that? Out of all the numbers, two gotta mean ****. Why didn't they pick thirteen, y'know? They didn't like that one, anyway. That'd be easy to remember, "Thirteen means **** and bad luck. Right, I got it."  
My dog does number five. That's three ones and a two. Your dog does that, right? Dogs do a lot of number ones, man. They really do and they hold that and they spread it out all over town if they can, 'cause they know if they do one all at once, you take 'em right up to the house again, man. They save one-(sssss) little here, (sssss) little there, (sssss) yeah, y'know. They can do twenty, twenty five number ones sometimes. I told my little girl, y'know that our dog did number five, I said, 'Hey, Bogey did number five, three ones and a two! ha ha ha" She thought that was great. She kept runnin' back for an hour, man, telling me different combinations, right? "Hey, he did twenty one- ten twos and a one! ha ha ha" Kids're like that. They love a joke. They really run with it forever. Just 4000 variations on a theme.  
Hey, another aspect of the word shit; to the drug community,
a nice term. Sounds... What is Time Magazine calling it this week? Drug-culture? Mini-culture? Micro-culture? They have a million hyphens over there at Time Incorporated. Throw them around. Uh, yeah. To the doper, **** means something very special. **** means shiiiit! Whatever you smoke, drop, shoot, snort, rub into your belly or whatever, is your ****. Especially grass. Most often referred to as ****. Yeah. "Got ant ****?" "No, I'm outta ****, man" "Why don't you lend me some ****?" "You already owe me some ****." I wonder if one narcotics policeman, I call them 'narcotics policemen' 'cause I don't like the word 'narc'. Sounds too final. Y'know, 'narc' (boom). Sounds like it's over. 'Narcotics policeman' sounds like you might have a chance of talking him out of it, y'know? Good luck. But I wonder if one narc could go all the way through school and not know that **** means shiiiit? He might. Sure be in for a lot of surprises first day on the job, though. Some guy would roll up on him, "Hey! You wanna buy some ****?" "Well, I never thought about it, really. Where did you get the ****" Try to draw him out. Find out the identity of 'Mr. Big', right? "Well, we brought it back from Cambodia in a guitar, man, and we, um, made brownies out of some of it and we gave some away as a wedding present and we're selling the rest, man." "Sounds like some sort<   ..."

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*Sanctity Of Life *  (Language!)  
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase 'sanctity of life'. You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of ****. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cuz God (points upward) told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 'You believe in God?' 'No.' *Pdoom*. Dead. 'You believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'You believe in my God? 'No.' *Boom*. Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!' Thousands of years. Thousands of years and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other, I'm a happy guy. 
But don't be giving me all this **** about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? 'Cuz we're alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this ****, do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. 'Cuz JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are ******* dead. They're ******* dead. And dead people give less than a **** about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self serving, man-made bullshit story. 
It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that. 'Cause, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitos and flies. 'Cause they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cause it's fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cause we're hungry. Pheasants and quails. 'Cause it's fun. And we're hungry. And people. We kill people... 'Cause they're pests. And it's fun! 
And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole ******* thing up! Made it up! The same way...thank you."

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*On Religious Lift*    
(Начиная с 6:0 ::  "... Religion is like a lift in your shoe. It's important sometimes...and it helps you walk straight for awhile...however long you need it. That's the secret. "How long do I need it?" It's like anything else you think you need...for any length of time. "How long do I need it?" As long as you're pulling your own Coke...(POP! ssss) Nice. As long as you know who's in control or why you're not...okay. 
But religion is like abdicating responsibility for your life. Many religions make it easy for you to...just throw it all off. It's God's will. "That's right, God's will. I ran over the kid in the driveway; that's right. Don't look at me...God's will" "Hey, boss. Let's go downtown and get this guy, God!" Can you see a lynch mob in front of the church? That's the fourth guy He's killed this week."  
Gooood....is a cool guy! He really couldn't have time for all we lay on Him. I mean, all the stuff that we say. We describe Him, y'know, we walk around and one of the things we say is He knows everything. "God knows everything. He know everything that's goin' on at the same time every little molecule..(very fast mostly unintelligible babble about what God knows)" What a work load this must be! Can you picture God on Monday morning? WHOOOOOOOA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He wouldn't wish that on Himself. He's a cool guy. He's us. That's what we always said...What every religion told us. "Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your God. You're all the same guy." We just don't have uniforms yet. 
We do believe we're God and that's cool. We are. I believe that God is probably subject to physical laws. That would explain a lot of things, y'know? It would explain why he can't help a whole lotta stuff. People say, (funny falsetto voice) "How can a God who's benevolent allow this kind of suffering to go on?" (goofy voice) "He can't help it, lady! Ha, ha, ha! He's subject to physical laws! Ha, ha, ha!" Why did God always have to send a messenger? Why the hell didn't He show up Himself? I mean, really now. "God sent a messenger; God sent an angel" and they came somewhere to somewhere. This implies the traversing of physical space. This implies physical laws. Why did God have to go from someplace to another? ...'Cause He's only slightly superior.  
Everything God makes........dies. "You sure?... So far, everything?" "Right! Every tree so far! Every little hog! Well, there's a lotta things still alive, but it's just like it was before; they're gonna die. We just can't prove it." Whew! That keeps us alive, doesn't it? "It's not all dead yet!" God! Everything He makes dies! Where did He get such a great reputation? This batting average of His is zero zero zero! I mean, a cool guy is a cool guy, but don't put me on. 
Like I say, religion is a lift in your shoe, man. If you need it, cool. Just don't let me wear your shoes if I don't want 'em and we don't have to go down and nail lifts onto the native's feet! Huh huh! (applause) That was always a wonderful thing. "

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George Carlin vs. Fred Phelps   ::   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gg7O0GzrHmA

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"*The phrases we use*"   
"This next thing, this next thing is about the English language.  It’s about little expressions we use, we all say them, the little sayings and expressions that we use all the time, most of us, and we never seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all.  We just sort of say these things as if they really made sense.  
Like *legally drunk*.  Well, if it’s legal, what’s the fucking problem?  “Leave my friend alone, officer, he’s legally drunk.”   *You know where you can stick it*.  Why do we always assume every one knows where they can stick it?  Suppose you don’t know?  Suppose you’re a new guy?  You have absolutely no idea where to stick it.  I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled “Where to stick it.”  Now that I think of it, I believe there is a government booklet like that.  They send it to you on April 15th.   *Undisputed heavy-weight champion*.  Well, if it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting about?   *It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch*.  You know that one, uh?  Everytime you see a story about a serial killer on TV, what do they do, they bring on the neighbour and the neighbour says “Well, he was always very quiet.”  Someone in the room says, “It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch.”  This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption.  I will bet you anything that while you are watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you.  Suppose you’re in a bar and one guy is sitting over on the side reading a book, not bothering anybody, and another guy is standing in the front with a machete, banging on the bar saying “I’ll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.”  Who you gonna watch? You’re goddamn right.   *Lock him up and throw away the key*.  This is really stupid.  Where are you going to throw the key?  Right in front of the jail?  His friends will find it.  How far can you throw a key?  Fifty, sixty feet, at most.  Even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it, what do you get?  An extra ten feet, tops.  This is a stupid idea, needs to be completely rethought.   *Down the tubes*.  You hear that one a lot.  People say, “Ah, the country is going down the tubes.”  What tubes?  Have you seen any tubes?  Where are these tubes?  And where do they go?  And how come there is more than one tube?  It would seem to me, one country, one tube.  What?  Does every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now?  One tube is all you need.  But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now.  Somebody would have said, “Hey, Joey, Joey, look at the fucking tube.  Big ass fucking tube over here.”  You never hear that.  You know why?  No tubes.  We don’t have tube one.  We are essentially tubeless.   *Takes the cake*.  You know, say, “Boy, he really takes the cake”.  Where?  Where do you take a cake?  To the movies?  You know where I would take a cake?  Down to the bakery to see the other cakes.  And how come he takes the cake?  How come he don’t take the pie?  A pie is easier to carry than a cake.  Easy as pie.  Oh, wait.  Cake is not too hard to carry, either.  A piece of cake.   *The greatest thing since sliced bread*.  So, this is it, uh folks?  A couple of hundred thousand years.  The fucking pyramids, for Christ’s sakes.  The Panama Canal.  The Great Wall of China.  Even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread.  What’s so great about sliced bread?  You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread.  Slice the fucking thing.  And get on with you life.   *Out walking the streets*.  You know, a guy gets parole, you say “Now, instead of being in prison, this guy is out walking the streets.”  How do we know?  Maybe the guy is home banging the babysitter.  Not everybody who gets a parole is not out walking the fucking streets.  A lot of times they steal a car, you know.  We ought to be glad.  Thank God he stole a car.  At least he is not out walking the streets.   *Fine and dandy*.  That’s an old-fashioned one. ------- You say to a guy, “How are ya?”  He says “Fine and dandy.”  Not me.  I never say that.  You know how come?  Because I’m never both of those things at the same time.  Sometimes I’m fine, but not dandy. Close to dandy.  Approaching dandy.  In the vicinity of dandihood.  Not quite fully dandy.  Other times I am indeed highly dandy.  However, not fine.  One time, one time, in 1965, August, for about an hour, I was both fine and dandy at the same time.  But nobody asked me how I was.  I could have told them.  I could have told them.  I could have told them.  I could have said to the person, “Fine and dandy.” I consider it a lost opportunity.   *Walking papers*.  You know, a guy gets fired.  You say, “Geez, poor guy. Well, they give him his walking papers today.”  Did you ever get any walking papers?  Seriously.  Believe me, in my life, I’ve got fired a lot of times.  Never got any walking papers.  Never got a pink slip, either.  You know what I would get?  A guy would come around to my desk and say “Get the fuck out of here.”  You don’t need paper for that.   *It’s like the riot act*.  *The riot act*.  They keep telling you they’re going to read that to you.  Have you heard this thing at all?  Especially when you’re a kid, they threaten you.  “You wait till your father comes home.  He’s gonna read you the riot act.”  “Tell him I already read it myself.  And I didn’t like, either.  I consider it wordy and poorly thought out.  If he wants to read me something, how about the Gentleman’s Guide to the Golden Age of Jobs?”   *More than happy*.  I’ll bet you say that sometimes, don’t you, once in a while?  You say to somebody, “Oh, I’d be more than happy to do that.”  How can you be more than happy?  To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition.  “We had to put Dave in the mental home.  He was more than happy.”  
One more of these.  *In your own words*.  People say that to you.  You know where you hear that a lot? In a classroom or in a courtroom. They’ll say to you, “Tell us, in your own words.”  Do you have your own words?  Hey, I’m using the ones everyone else has been using.  Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say “nik flud barni quando flue.”

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## TATY

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

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## Lampada

> SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

 Сам ты СПАМ,  и н*е*чего тут орать.   ::    Почему SРАМ?

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George Carlin On His Standup Persona - Archive Interview   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rn6roeUfMio 
"...The musicians I knew had gone through that transition ... I'm listening to Bob Dylan ... and I realize these artists are using their talent to project their feelings and ideas... not just please people ... I was in the wrong place. In 1967 ... I was thirty. I was entertaining people in nightclubs who were forty. They were at war with their kids who were twenty. There was a generation war. I was in the middle of it. I said 'what the fuck am I doing over here?' [The twenty year olds] are the people who will understand me and give me a chance ... I took two years to change and it happened on television ... happened on ... shows like Della Reese, Virgina Graham and Steve Allen," He added, "Virginia Graham was a real shit stirrer. She just loved to get me to talk about smoking pot and Henry Mancini... she got Henry Mancini to cop out to being a pot smoker on TV ... I went on there ... my beard was growing ... my attitudes ... were changing. And I talked about my changes on the panel... a lot."

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_ 
In celebration of George Carlins new book Last Words Comedians Susie Essman, Michael Ian Black, Jeffrey Ross, Richard Belzer, and George Wendt, reflect on Carlin and his influence._

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*  
Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television*  
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid.
then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same
words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words.
There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous
to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you 7,
Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions,
and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul,
curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does
not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list,
but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understand why
some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.
I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend
with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at
you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the
other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that
Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were
certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I
don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such
stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now."
And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think
it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very
imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to
hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a  film with 2 people making love
than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is
a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but
I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for
the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay,
Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.
I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any
circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even
clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed,
and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7. They're out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock
CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in
the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for
Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but he can't
say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding
them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way word that
goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You
can prik your finger but don't finger your prik. No,no."

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEjcz2OZYIU&feature=fvst  _Funny, Smart George Carlin_

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*We are all one * YouTube - &#x202a;George Carlin - We are all one&#x202c;&rlm; 
* “If it’s true that we’re all from the center of a star, every atom on each of us from the center of a star, then we’re all the same thing. Even a Coke machine or a cigarette butt in the street in buffalo is made out of atoms that came from a star. They’ve all been recycled thousands of times, as have you and I. And therefore, it’s only me out there. So what is there to be afraid of? What is there that needs solace seeking? Nothing. There’s nothing to be afraid of because it’s all us. 
The trouble is we have been separated by being born and given a name and an identity and being individuated. We’ve been separated from the oneness, and that’s what religion exploits. That people have this yearning to be part of the overall one again. So they exploit that. They call it god, they say he has rules, and I think it’s cruel. I think you can do it absent religion.” - George Carlin

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George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
...
Here's another one of our 
spiritually uplifting activities. 
We don't do this one much anymore, 
but it use to be really big. 
Human sacrifice. 
I miss that. 
The Aztecs loved human sacrifice 
and they were good at it. 
Well, they got a lot of practice. 
For instance, right around the year 1500, 
the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people 
in one ceremony.  
Okay? 
80,000 people in one ceremony. 
You know what the occasion was? 
They were opening a new temple. 
Nothing like religion 
for a little entertainment, huh? 
Especially that old time religion. 
You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing? 
Here's how they did it. 
They would do it right out in public.  
Right in front of everybody. 
Big town. 
Beautiful city square. 
20, 30,000 people looking on. 
They would take the guy, 
lay him on an alter, 
cut his chest open, 
pull his heart out, 
hold it up in the air while it was still beating. 
Got that?  
Cut his chest open, 
pull his heart out and hold it up in the air 
while it was still beating. 
You know what you call that? 
Theater. 
That is fucking theater. 
And although the procedure 
may have been a little too crude 
to be considered the first bypass surgery, 
it could easily be seen as  
an early form of organ donor program. 
The Aztecs, human beings just like us. 
Not too long ago, 500 years. 
Columbus had already landed. 
This is just south of here. 
Mexico. 
And by the way, 
those hearts didn't go to waste. 
Did not go to waste. 
Because right after the ceremonies,  
the royal family, naturally, 
would enjoy another one of our amusing activities, 
cannibalism. 
Imagine that. 
Chowing down on another human being. 
You got to be all out of beef jerky, man. 
You got to be really fucking hungry. 
But it happens, doesn't it? 
It still happens to this day. 
A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness, 
run out of Pop-Tarts, 
you got to eat something. 
Might as well be Steve. 
And how do you decide who to eat first? 
How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? 
Do you pick on the little guy 
because he's skinny and he can't fight back? 
Or do you all gang up on the body builder 
because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him? 
These are things human beings have to consider.  
One more of these charming diversions of ours, 
necrophilia. 
Now there's a hobby for you. 
Fucking a corpse. 
It takes a special kind of guy. 
Don't you think? 
But it happens, it happens. 
More than you might think. 
It happens among humans. 
Animals don't do that. 
Animals don't fuck their dead. 
A rat will do a lot of gross things, 
but he will not fuck a dead rat. 
It wouldn't even occur to him. 
Only a human being would think 
to fuck someone who just died. 
We got to be the most interesting critters 
on the planet. 
And then we wonder why a UFO 
doesn't just land and say, hello.  
You know the best thing about necrophilia? 
You don't have to bring flowers. 
Yeah, usually they're already there. 
Isn't that nice? 
It's nice. 
It's convenient. 
Human beings will do anything. 
Anything. 
I am convinced. 
That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq,  
it didn't bother me. 
I took it right in stride. 
A lot of people here were horrified. 
"Oh, beheadings, beheadings." 
What are you fucking surprised? 
It's just one more form of extreme human behavior. 
Besides, who cares about some 
mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma 
who gets his head cut off? 
Fuck him.  
Fuck him. 
Hey, Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off? 
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. 
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. 
They ain't cutting off heads in Oklahoma. 
As far as I know. 
But I do know this, 
you strap on a gun 
and go strutting around some other man's country, 
you better be ready for some action, Jack.  
You better be ready for some action. 
People are touchy about that sort of thing. 
And let me ask you this 
while I have you good, clean Americans here. 
This is a moral question, not rhetorical. 
I'm looking for the answer. 
What is the moral difference 
between cutting off one guy's head 
or two or three or five or ten 
and dropping a big bomb on a hospital  
and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? 
Has anybody in authority 
given you an explanation of the difference? 
I have not gotten an email on this. 
No one will talk to me. 
I haven't gotten a postcard, 
not a fucking instant message, nothin'. 
Now, in case you're wondering 
why I have a certain interest and fascination, 
let's call it,  
with torture and beheadings 
and all of these things I've mentioned 
is because each of these items 
reminds me in life, 
every time one of them occurs, 
it reminds me over and over again 
what beasts we human beings really are, you know? 
When you get right down to it, 
when you get right down to it, 
human beings are nothing more  
than ordinary jungle beasts. 
Savages. 
No different from the Cro-Magnon people 
who lived 25,000 years ago 
in the Plasticine Forest 
eating grubs off of rotten logs. 
No different. 
Our DNA hasn't changed substantially 
in 100,000 years. 
We're still operating out of the lower brain.   
The reptilian brain. 
Fight or flight. 
Kill or be killed. 
Now, we like to think we've evolved and advanced 
because we can build a computer, 
fly an airplane, 
travel underwater. 
We can write a sonnet, 
paint a painting, 
compose an opera.  
But you know something? 
We're barely out of the jungle on this planet. 
Barely out of the fucking jungle. 
What we are is semi-civilized beasts 
with baseball caps and automatic weapons. 
And this civilization of ours 
that we're so proud of, 
this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior, 
you ever stop and realize 
how fragile all this is? 
Permalink here (line 731) 
How fragile the whole structure, 
how easily it can all just break right down, 
just break right down. 
It wouldn't take much. 
It'll probably happen in less than two years. 
It wouldn't take much 
to throw us right back into barbaric times. 
All you'd have to do 
would be eliminate electricity. 
That's all. 
Permalink here (line 741) 
But completely. 
Eliminate electricity. 
So, no electricity, no lights. 
You're back to candles and lanterns. 
Campfires and bonfires. 
Batteries couldn't be recharged. 
Generators couldn't be refueled 
because fuel is pumped electrically. 
So is water, by the way. 
So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers.  
And computers run everything. 
And among the many things computers run 
that operate on electricity 
are all of the security systems 
in all of our jails 
and prisons and nut houses. 
So suddenly without electricity, 
all across America 
the gates and cell doors 
of penitentiaries  
and mental institutions 
would fly open 
and out would come all of our old friends. 
The ones who've been away, 
at camp. 
Serial killers, 
mass murderers, 
felony rapists, 
armed robbers, 
car jackers,  
home invaders, 
thieves, 
burglars, kidnappers, 
sadists, pedophiles, 
sexual predators, pimps, 
pushers, pornographers, 
speed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies. 
All the ethnic street gangs. 
Blacks, Spanish and Asian gangs, 
Japanese Yakuza, 
Russian Mafia, 
Neo-Nazis, 
white supremacists, 
Sicilian hit man, 
Italian mobsters, 
Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs. 
And those are just the ones we caught. 
Lets not forget their counter-parts 
still on the outside right now 
waiting to hook up with their prison buddies 
so they can start a new organization, 
The American Federation of Sociopaths. 
Just what the country needs. 
Another special interest group. 
Eight to ten million of them there would be. 
Counting all the parolees 
and all the probationers 
and the ones who've never been caught. 
Eight to ten million 
bitter, angry, violent, 
sexually hyperactive alpha males 
with nothing to do. 
No hobbies. 
No medication. 
No scruples. 
Just a bunch of bad guys 
looking for a good time. 
Maybe dropping by your house. 
"Hi. 
Hope we're not intruding. 
Got any beer? 
Oh, good. 
Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here. 
How about women? 
Got any women? 
Oh, just your wife, huh? 
Well, I think we can make that work. 
Now boys, there's a lady here. 
So I want you to mind your manners 
and wait your turn."  
Police wouldn't help you. 
They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble. 
They'd be home protecting their own families. 
So would the Army and the National Guard. 
You'd be alone. 
You'd be on your own. 
You'd be S.O.L. And J.W.F. 
Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. 
Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. 
After a couple of years of living like that, 
beheadings would be the least of your problems. 
People would be lining up to be beheaded. 
So let's get back to suicide, 
which now seems like a reasonable alternative.   
Suicide is an interesting topic to me 
because it is an inherently interesting decision. 
To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore. 
It's profound. 
You know what it is? 
It's the ultimate makeover.  
That's why I think it belongs on television. 
In this depraved culture we live in, 
with all of these reality shows. 
Suicide and television will be a natural. 
I'll bet you I can have 
an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. 
I'll bet you. 
Shit, they got all golf. 
What the fuck, huh? 
Goddamn.  
You ever watch golf? 
You ever watch golf? 
It's like watching flies fuck. 
If you'd get a bunch of brainless assholes 
insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon 
on that kind of shit, 
you know you can get some people to watch some suicides. 
All day long, 
24 hours a day 
nothing but suicides.  
Must die TV. 
You'd get a lot of people watching that shit. 
You'd get a lot of people 
volunteering to be on there, too. 
Just so their friends can see them on TV. 
People are fucking goofy. 
You'd get a lot of volunteers. 
You'd get all them leftover assholes 
from "Let's Make a Deal". 
They'd be lined up around the block  
pushing each other out of the way, 
putting on funny capes and caps and hats 
and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide. 
Guys would be competing for most unusual method. 
People would be jumping off of silos, 
lighting themselves on fire, 
putting rat poison on a taco, 
drinking Mop & Glo, 
sticking moth balls up their ass. 
You'd probably have some weird fuck show up  
who'd figured out how to kill himself 
with dental floss and a stinger missile. 
People are fucking goofy. 
I'd bet you could find you a married couple, 
in this country, shit. 
I'll bet you, 
you could find a married couple 
in one of them trailer parks or something 
who'd be perfectly willing 
to sit in a loveseat  
and blow each other's heads off with shotguns 
while a love song is playing. 
People are fucking nuts. 
This country is full of nitwits and assholes. 
Do you ever notice that? 
Oh, my goodness, yes. 
Oh, my goodness. 
Yeah. 
Nitwits, assholes, 
fuck ups, scumbags,  
jerk offs and dipshits. 
And they all vote. 
They all vote, yeah. 
In fact, sometimes you get the impression 
They're the only ones who vote. 
You can usually tell who's been doing the voting 
by looking at the fucking election returns. 
Man, it sure ain't me out there 
wasting my time 
with a meaningless activity like that.  
You know those people on the "Jerry Springer Show", 
those are the average Americans. 
Oh, yeah, believe me. 
Below average can't get on the show. 
Can't get on. 
Below average is sitting home 
watching that shit on TV, 
getting ready to out and vote, 
filling out their sample ballot. 
People are fucking dumb.  
You can say what you want about this country, 
and I love this place. 
I love the freedoms we used to have. 
I love it. 
I love that. 
I love it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe 
to get us to care for one another. 
I love the fact 
that we're on camera all the time 
from all angles.  
But, you know, you can say what you want about America. 
And I say I love this place. 
I wouldn't have it any other way, 
wouldn't live in any other time in history 
in any other place. 
But say what you want about America. 
Land of the free, home of the brave. 
We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers 
floating around this country. 
Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know.  
Now, obviously that doesn't include this audience. 
I understand that. 
You seem intelligent and perceptive 
but the rest of them, 
holy jumping fucking shit balls. 
Dumber than a second coat of paint. 
Now, this ain't just ranting and raving. 
This ain't just blowing off steam. 
I got a little evidence to support my claim. 
It just seems to me  
seems to me, 
that only a really low IQ population 
could have taken this beautiful continent, 
this magnificent American landscape 
that we inherited... 
Well, actually, we stole it 
from the Mexicans and the Indi

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## Lampada

*1977 George Carlin - On Location at USC *    (1 hour 26 mins)  
Uploaded by     *whyamidoingthis12345* on Oct 20, 2011

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## Lampada

*(197 George Carlin - On Location at Phoenix * 1 hour 21 mins
Uploaded by     *whyamidoingthis12345* on Oct 20, 2011

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## Lampada

*(1982) George Carlin - Carlin at Carnegie 
59 minutes * Uploaded by    * whyamidoingthis12345* on Oct 21, 2011

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## Lampada

Uploaded by     *      cakypa1    * on Oct 16, 2011 *George Carlin Again! * _"Джордж Карлин: снова!" (иногда его называют "Джордж Карлин: вживую в Фениксе") второе выступление американского стенд-ап комика Джорджа Карлина, записанное каналом HBO. Оно было снято в Театре Знаменитостей в Фениксе, штат Аризона, в 1978 году. 
Год эфира: 1978 
Продолжительность: 01:21:21  Перевод: Субтитры. (За основу был взят перевод MIKABOSHI, исправлена неудачная интерпретация некоторых шуток и выражений, особенно, часть с грязными словами)  План выступления: Open / Открытие
Beginnings / Начинания
Live in Phoenix / Вживую в Фениксе
I Wonder / Мне интересно
What Time is It? / Который час?
The Long Newcast / Длинная сводка новостей
Al Sleet / Эл "Гололед"
Death is Imminent / Смерть неизбежна
Dirty Words / Грязные слова
Mrs. Carlin / Миссис Карлин
Program Credits / Титры_

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## Lampada

Uploaded by    *       Mariannanovicka    * on May 16, 2009 _"Религия как большой бизнес, большой развод миллионов. Без чего Бог не может существовать? Без денег! - Джорж Карлин и его монолог о религии."_

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## Lampada

Top Ten - Top 10 George Carlin Quotes - Top 10 - George Carlin Jokes

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## Lampada

Uploaded by   *       Nonfictionbook    * on Oct 19, 2011 
_______________________________________  http://youtu.be/1XeN-joYT04

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## Lampada

Что я делаю в Нью-Джерси? (198 ::    
Uploaded by dd1995100 on Dec 28, 2010   *George Carlin - What Am I Doing in New Jersey 
В субтитрах и в оригинале ненормативная лексика!*  _Джордж Карлин меняет содержание, начиная разговор о политике, а так же о людях без которых было бы лучше, о людях с которыми нужно быть внимательным и о вождении. 
Год выпуска: 1988
Страна: США
Жанр: stand-up комедия, монолог
Продолжительность: 58 мин. 30 сек. 
Список миниатюр:
Reagan's Gang, Church People, and American Values
Keeping People Alert
People I Can Do Without
More Stuff on Cars and Driving_  _ _

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## Deborski

George Carlin is my HERO!  No one can quite fill his shoes, because no one could tell it like he could.  Damn, he always was spot on too.  He always had some of the most relevant and profound insights on politics, religion, race, and pretty much everything else.  He had an amazing grasp of language too.  He was always blunt, honest and unabashed.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss him.   
I'm grateful for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who have managed to keep many Americans sane over the past decade!  But no one can ever replace Carlin.  Ever.

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*   George Carlin - Lying Politicians And Words*  George Carlin: Now having somewhat successfully established my press credentials, and because you and I have at least one thing in common, which is that all of us deal with language all the time. I thought it might be nice today for me to come to you with some of my language complaints, certainly not to blame them on you, although of course you are implicated. 
And not that you can help it, I mean, the problem is really with the people you cover, the politicians, the celebrities and the lawyers. And although their level of insincerity is astonishing, it’s still kind of fun to hear them talk. In particular, it’s fun to listen to Washington talk. Whenever the issue of term limits comes up, I always tell people, the only term limits I am interested in would be to limit some of the terms used by politicians.
They speak of course with great caution, because they must take care not to actually say anything. Proof of this, according to their own words, is that they don’t actually say things, they indicate them. As I indicated yesterday and as the President indicated to me, but sometimes they don’t indicate, they suggest, let me suggest, that as I indicated yesterday, I haven’t determined that yet. See, they don’t decide they determine, if it’s a really serious matter, they make a judgment, I haven’t made a judgment on that yet. When the hearings are concluded, I will make a judgment or I might make an assessment. 
I am not sure, I haven’t determined that yet, but when I do, I will advise you, they don’t tell they advise. I advised him that I had made a judgment, thus far he hasn’t responded. They don’t answer, they respond. He hasn’t responded to my initiative. An initiative is an idea that isn’t going anywhere. When he responds to my initiative, I will review his response, take a position, and make a recommendation. See, they don’t read the review, they don’t have opinions, they take positions, and they don’t give advice, they make recommendations.
And so, at long last after each has responded to the others initiatives, and each has reviewed the other’s responses, and everyone has taken a position, made a judgment, and offered a recommendation, now, they have to do something, but that would be much too direct. So, instead they address the problem, we are addressing the problem, and we’ll soon be proceeding, that’s a big activity here in Washington, proceeding. They are always proceeding, they are moving forward, a lot of that goes on. 
Senator, have you solved that problem? Well, we are moving forward on that? And when they are not moving forward, they are moving something else forward, such as the process. We have to move the process forward so we can implement the provisions of the initiative in order to meet these challenges; no one has problems anymore, challenges. That’s why we need people, who can make the tough decisions, tough decisions like how much soft money, can I expect to collect in exchange for my core values, so that – thank you, so that I can continue my work in government. 
Of course, no politician would admit to such a lowly station as working in government, serving the nation. I am serving the nation; another favorite distortion is public service. I am in public service, I like America, don’t you? The food is great, but the public service is terrible. Now, folks, a question for you, do you think it’s possible that one of these politicians whose judgment is so poor that he honestly thinks of himself as serving the nation might occasionally be expected to indulge in the little patriotism, huh, what do you think?
Well, of course, not only is it possible, it’s inevitable and that’s what he is at his very best, that’s when he trots out the really good stuff all across this great land of ours, the greatest nation on earth, the greatest nation in the history of the world. And in times of military crisis, you can be sure that someone in a suit in this town will eventually plant himself in front of a camera and carry on a great deal about the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. Normally, during peace time, the politicians will refer to people in the military as our young men and women stationed around the world. 
But in war time, they quickly become our brave young fighting men and women stationed halfway around the world in places whose names they can’t pronounce wondering, if they’ll ever see their loved ones again. For added emotional impacts, sons and daughters can always be substituted for men and women. And so, I think we can sum this up by saying, that where the military is concerned, the extent of a politician’s insincerity can be measured by how far around the world our soldiers are stationed and whether or not any of them can pronounce it.Incidentally, another way of expressing this sentiment is to say, we are sending our young men and women to places the average American can’t find on a map. I’ve always thought of this kind of funny and somewhat out of character for a politician to go out of his way to point out the low level of American intelligence, when indeed his very job depends upon it. It would seem to fly in the face of that other rhetorical standby of theirs the American people are a lot smarter than they are given credit for. This is said with a straight face although it is obvious of course that the proposition is being stated precisely backwards. 
But the politicians, god bless them or something like that, they are at their most entertaining when they are in trouble. When they are in trouble, their explanations usually began simply with words like miscommunication. What did you wrong Senator? Well, it was a miscommunication or I was quoted out of context, better yet and more ironic, they twisted my words. Such a nice touch, a person who routinely spends his days torturing the language complains, they twisted my words. 
Then, as the controversy continues to heat up, he moves to his next level of complaint, the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. The whole, it’s always the whole thing, apparently, no one has never claimed that only a small portion of something was blown out of proportion. It has to be the whole thing, that’s because now he is feeling the heat. And so, as time passes and more evidence comes in, he suddenly changes directions and tells us, we are trying to get to the bottom of this, now he is on the side of law and orders, jujitsu, really.
We are trying to get to the bottom of this, so we can get the facts out to the American people that’s always a nice touch, American people. In fact, at this point, he might even say, I am willing to trust in the fairness of the American people. Clearly, he is preparing us for something. 
And so, and finally all the facts comes out on our subject seems quite guilty, he employs that sublime use of the passive voice, mistakes were made. Mistakes were made, don’t look at me, probably someone in my office, things are moving faster now, mistakes were made is rapidly overtaken, but there is no evidence, no one has proven anything. 
Eventually, I will be exonerated, I have faith in the American judicial system, and that certain sign that things are closing in, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty, whatever happened, well now, yeah, well he is about to find out. And we know this must be true, because the next thing we hear from him is, I just want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life. I just want to put this behind me, that’s an expression we hear a lot these days in all walks of life. 
From people in all walks of life, usually the person in question has committed some unspeakable act, yes, it’s true, I strangled my wife, shot the triplets, set fire to the house and sold my young son to an old man on the train, but now I just want to put this thing behind. That’s the problem in this country, too many people are getting on with their lives. I think what we really need more of is ritual suicide, you know never mind the press conferences, get the big knife out of the drawer. 
Personally, what I want to do is to put this, I want to put this thing behind me and get on with my life, thing behind me, and get on with my life. I’ll repeat that for you, personally I want to put, I want to put this, I want to put this thing behind me, and get on with my life, thing behind me and get on with my life. And just to round out this section, let’s hope there is a special place in hell reserved for those who have recently decided to take responsibility for their actions, that’s the big thing now, taking responsibility for your actions, like it’s a recent discovery, you know. 
He is taking responsibility for his actions, well, isn’t that wonderful? Ask him, if he is willing to take responsibility for my actions, along with my alimony and my car payments, and my gambling debts. Now, continuing with more of these, more general language complaints, and forgetting the Washington angle for …  http://lybio.net/george-carlin-lying...-words/comedy/

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## Lampada

George Carlin - _It's a big club and you ain't in it  _ Carlin - The Real
Owners Of America
6-24-8 "The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians, they're an irrelevancy. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the statehouses, the city halls.
 They've got the judges in their back pockets.
 And they own all the big media companies, so that they control just about all of the news and information you hear. They've got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying ­ lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else."   "But I'll tell you what they don't want.  They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. That's against their interests. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago.   "You know what they want? Obedient workers ­ people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork but just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And, now, they're coming for your Social Security. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back, so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They'll get it. They'll get it all, sooner or later, because they own this fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club."   "This country is finished."

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"This next piece of material, like most good ideas, is fairly simple. It's just a list of people who ought to be killed.   Starting with these people who read self help books. Why do so many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three good meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery? And the part that I don't understand, if you're looking for self help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self help.... that's help. There's no such thing as self help, if you did it yourself, you didn't need help. You did it yourself. Try to pay attention to the language we've all agreed on.  And a similiar mystery to me. Motivation books, motivation seminars. Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say if you lack motivation, a seminar isn't going to help ya. What you really need is to be smashed over the head thirty or fourty times with a golf club. That'll fucking motivate ya. Or else it'll at least get you up and moving around the room. You know, locate your socks and shit like that. Get the day rolling. Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me, this country could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the people who are causing all the trouble. Stock swindlers, seriel killers, child molesters... christian conservatives. These people are highly motivated, highly motivated. And anyway, I think motivation is over rated. You show me some lazy prick whose lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis and I'll show you someone who is not causing any fucking trouble!"

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LONG LIVE CARLIN  _Dedicated to greatest comedian ever.._

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## Lampada

_"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. Listening to the comedians who comment on political, social, and cultural issues, I notice most of their material reflects an underlying belief that somehow things were better once and that with just a little effort we could set them right again. 
They're looking for solutions, and rooting for particular results, and I think that necessarily limits the tone and substance of what they say. 
They're talented and funny people, but they're nothing more than cheerleaders attached to a specific, wished-for outcome.
I don't feel so confined. I frankly don't give a fuck how it all turns out in this country—or anywhere else, for that matter.
 I think the human game was up a long time ago (when the high priests and traders took over), and now we're just playing out the string. 
And that is, of course, precisely what I find so amusing: the slow circling of the drain by a once promising species, and the sappy, ever-more-desperate belief in this country that there is actually some sort of "American Dream" which has merely been misplaced.
The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, arty, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
So, if you read something in this book that sounds like advocacy of a particular political point of view, please reject the notion. My interest in "issues" is merely to point out how badly we're doing, not to suggest a way we might do better. Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that “if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem”. My motto: Fuck Hope!
P.S. In case you're wondering, personally, I am a joyful individual with a long, happy marriage and a close and loving family. My career has turned out better than I ever dreamed, and it continues to expand. I'm a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
P.P.S. By the way, if, by some chance, you folks do manage to straighten things out and make everything better, I still don't wish to be included."_

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