chap 11
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The whole house was made out of wood – all three storeys of it.
msp, should be stories
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Any man of Terran origin would be amazed at that but Arthur Curtis had seen even greater a luxury.
Any man of Terran origin would be amazed at that, but Arthur Curtis had seen more luxurious homes than this.
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He came down to the ground floor into the roomy hall.
He climbed down the stairs to the ground floor and walked into the spacious hall.
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There were nobody there, the Henriette’s husband, apparently, was very enthusiastic about his work… or the company that gathered in the climate control facility
There were nobody there. Henriette’s husband apparently was very enthusiastic about his work, or the company that gathered in the climate control facility.
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One wide and low armchair was occupied by a dozing black cat.
A dozing black cat occupied one wide and low armchair.
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In reply to Arthur’s quiet ‘pss, pss, pss kitty’ it rewarded Arthur with only a contemptuous gaze.
Arthur awoke the cat, quietly whispering ‘pss, pss, pss kitty’, only to be rewarded with a contemptuous gaze.
Remember, the cat was dozing so how could it gaze at you?
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Only the latest issue of the ‘Imperial military digest’ that was looking out from under ‘The Gossiper’ was falling out of the grand picture
Only the latest issue of the ‘Imperial Military Digest’, that was looking out from under ‘The Gossiper’, looked out of place in the grand picture.
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Arthur wanted to browse through the magazine but he felt shy of this desire for some reason.
Arthur wanted to browse through the magazine but felt awkward about it for some reason he did not understand.
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He judged that he would certainly have the time for it later.
He decided that he would certainly have the time to satisfy his curiosity later.
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He judged that he would certainly have the time for it later. Arthur opened the door (unlocked!) and exited the house.
And in the next moment he was in the middle of an infinite garden.
Arthur tried the front door's handle and found it unlocked, discovering his exit was an entrance to a very large garden.
infinite means without end or measure, a garden would not be infinite.
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It had a soft climate, fertile soil, numerous calm rivers and small lakes, and two not very big oceans.
It had a mild climate, fertile soil, numerous calm rivers and small lakes and two small oceans.
Now I thought I would discuss the last comma I removed. In writing, when you have several items in one sentence separated by commas, the last segment beginning with and, is called an Oxford comma.
example... I have given you my horse, cows, pig, and now my money.
the comma after pig is unnecessary. (I had an author friend teach me about that. i took my manuscript apart and removed them all)
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The planet was colonized shortly after the Feud War by hundreds of millions discharged veterans.
The planet was colonized shortly after the Feud War by hundreds of millions of discharged veterans.
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no world participated so little in the empire-wide projects and paid taxes this small.
no world participated so little in the empire-wide projects and paid lower taxes.
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Arthur walked along the path that was paved with stones by the flower-beds with unfamiliar flowers and looked over at the house.
Arthur walked along the path that was paved with stones by the flowerbeds with unfamiliar flowers and looked over at the house.
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There were no sounds except slight rustling of leaves.
There were no sounds except the slight rustling of leaves.
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It sooner expressed some envy of adventure that fell on him so he didn’t argue.
She seemed to be in envy of his adventure, so he didn't argue.
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Then having made up her mind she tossed her fringe,
Then having made up her mind she tossed her bangs,
('fringe' is correct, of course, but it is one of the latest hairstyles and I believe only fashion conscious women who understand what you are saying. Men would go huh?) Keep in mind, very few women read military oriented science fiction, and fringe is a type of bangs.
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He wasn’t afraid of a probable trap – the girl didn’t look dangerous and Kay was quite sure in his safety too.
He wasn’t afraid of a probable trap – the girl didn’t look dangerous and Kay was quite sure he was safe, too.
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Arthur simply had a formidable experience of excursions with his female coevals.
Arthur simply had some clumsy past experiences of excursions with his female coevals.
(I think this is what you mean, I didn't use awkward in this sentence, because you use it in the next)
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Usually he had to listen to a boring nonsense about local points of interest and, not too infrequently, to answer an awkward and slobbery kiss.
Usually he had to listen to some boring nonsense about local points of interest and not too infrequently, to answer with an awkward and slobbery kiss.
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Rachel led him finding her way by some sixth sense. In a couple of minutes all directions disappeared for Arthur.
Rachel led him finding her way by some sort of sixth sense. In a couple of minutes Arthur lost all sense of direction.
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All that remained was the blue sky above his head like on Terra, the equally spaced trees and the ground which was soft due to leaves that had been falling on it for centuries.
. All that remained was the blue sky above his head, which reminded him of Terra. The equally spaced trees and the ground he was standing on was soft, due to the decaying leaves that had been falling on it for centuries.
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And there was silence, silence from everywhere, even rustling of the grass under his feet was sharp to his ear.
The silence was so thick, he could hear his heartbeat; even the rustling of the grass under his feet sounded loud to his ear.
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“Did they permit you to pluck the fruits?”
“Did they permit you to pick the fruits?”
Pluck may be correct meaning, but in English it is more natural sounding to pick the fruit.
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“Pluck me an apple. That yellow one.”
same
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Arthur jumped up bending down the twig, broke the flexible stalk and silently handed the apple to the girl.
Arthur jumped up, and bending down the twig, broke the flexible stalk and silently handed the apple to the girl.
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“It is not customary to pluck anything without permission in other’s gardens.”
“It is not customary to pick anything without permission in other people's gardens.”
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Rachel informed ignoring his tone.
Rachel informed him, ignoring his tone.
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“I wanted to swim.” she said, “but I can’t swim alone.
“I wanted to swim,” she said, “but I can’t swim alone.
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It finally came to Arthur what was that disk that hung on the girl’s shoulder.
Arthur finally realized what the disk that hung on the girl’s shoulder was.
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If a button on a handle was pressed an invisible and ultra-strong force field pulled a man towards it.
If a button on a handle was pressed, an invisible and ultra-strong force field pulled a man towards it.
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"I do.” admitted Arthur gloomily.
"I do,” admitted Arthur gloomily.
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Descendants of the Feud War heroes must have degenerated pretty well if they didn’t swim without a ‘leash’ on their cozy planet.
Descendants of the Feud War heroes must have become soft, if they didn’t swim without a ‘leash’ on their cozy planet.
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“Don’t let me down.” Rachel said seriously, taking off her t-shirt on the move
“Don’t let me down," Rachel said seriously, taking off her t-shirt on the move.
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They came onto the river and Arthur froze.
They came to the river and Arthur froze.
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Thirty feet below them, spreading icy chill around, there raged a swirling and seething flow.
Thirty feet below them, there raged a swirling and seething flow spreading its icy chill.
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“There’s little water today.” Rachel said with concern,
“There’s little water today,” Rachel said with concern.
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Other channels appeared from below the ground fifty yards away around that point resembling blue spokes of a huge wheel.
Other channels appeared from below the ground fifty yards away from that point, resembling blue spokes of a huge wheel.
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The channels stretched far to disappear in the gardens.
The channels stretched far, disappearing into the gardens.
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“Attach the carbine” Rachel asked turning her back on him.
“Attach the carbine” Rachel asked, turning her back on him.
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Arthur pulled the tie “Are you sure it will hold?”
Arthur pulled the tie. “Are you sure it will hold?”
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I’ll try to make it to the shoal, but if I get into the whirlpool then activate it.
I’ll try to make it to the shoal, but if I get into the whirlpool, then activate it.
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… Rachel had gotten completely dry by the time Arthur carefully descended down the concrete plates.
Rachel was completely dry by the time Arthur carefully descended down the concrete plates.
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“I haven’t gotten around into getting acquainted with him yet."
“I haven’t gotten around to getting acquainted with him yet.
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“I could borrow you my
“I could loan you my
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Finally they decided that the belt from his jeans, if goodly tightened on his chest, would hold the pulling of the ‘leash’.
Finally they decided that the belt from his jeans, if securely tightened on his chest, would hold his weight when the 'leash' was pulled.
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“Will you bag some rays?” she asked.
I can only guess what you mean. Does bag some rays mean something about getting some sun exposure? If it does, perhaps, Will you get a tan?
would work