Russian anecdotes (in English)

Hi everybody!

I study English and I'm trying to talk now. I translated russian anecdotes. It's my first dialogs in English. Can you understand it? Please correct me. If you have any advices how talk in English well, please e-mail me. I also expect your feedback here or at http://remonortsa.livejournal.com.

Thanks. Заходите на огонёк. ;-)

Teacher - (T)
Student - (S)
1.
It's exam. Students gets a bad grade. The teacher says:
(T): It's the third time. Why you don't try to study better? Nobody was died of the study?
(S): I know. But I'd rather have no risk.

2.
Teacher reads the student's termpaper.
T: Your work is bad! Every stupid must understand it. Your paper is different.
S: What exactly you can't understand, professor?

3.
It's english exam. Student went out the classroom. Other students talk to him.
(O.S.): How is it going?
(S): Very well.
(O.S.): What the teacher asked you?
(S): I don't know. He asked me in English.

4.
It's exam. Student(girl) is very afraid. Teacher asks her.
(T): Why you are afraid? Are you afraid my questions?
(S): No... I'm afraid my answers.

5.
It's economical exam. Student(girl) tells about Adam Smith, but she never call him by name. Teacher asks:
- How was called Smith?
- Silence...
Teacher want to help her.
- Well, how was called the first man (in the Earth - Adam)
- (Student (girl) turns red and says quiet ) Valera...

6.
The freshman come back to home. Parents ask him.
- How was you first exam? Did you passed it?
- No. The teacher was very religious. He said after every my answer: "Ohh... my God!

7.
- Victor! Hi! How is it going?
- I left the university.
- Please, don't cry. (don't worry about it) Soldiers are not crying.

8.
Why theachers really enjoying, when somebody from the audience asks him?
Because they like, when he can't understand the lesson too.

9.
It's exam. Theacher asks student.
- What's your name?
Student is very glad. He answer:
- Ivan
- Why you are enjoying?
- I'm glad that I answered on your question. (I had been answered on your question?)

10.
I'm talking to you.
Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels are not husband and wife. It's four different man!

Teacher - (T)
Student - (S)
1.
It's after an exam. A student gets a bad grade. The teacher says:
(T): This is the third time. Why you don't try to study harder? Nobody has died of studying?
(S): I know. But I'd rather not take the risk.

2.
Teacher reads the student's termpaper.
T: Your work is bad! Every stupid must understand it. Your paper is different.
S: What exactly you can't understand, professor?
[???] Didn't get it at all... :(

3.
It's during an english exam. A student went out of the classroom. Other students talk to him.
(O.S.): How is it going?
(S): Very well.
(O.S.): What did the teacher ask you?
(S): I don't know. He asked me in English.

4.
It's during an exam. A student is very afraid (no need to have gender here). The teacher asks her:
(T): Why are you afraid? Are you afraid of my questions?
(S): No... I'm afraid of my answers.

5.
It's during an economical exam. A female student talks about Adam Smith, but she never calls him by name. The teacher asks:
- What was Smith's first name?
- Silence...
Teacher want to help her.
- Well, what was the name of the first man on Earth
- (Student turns red and says quietly ) Valera...

???Didn't get it

6.
A freshman returns home. His parents ask him.
- How was you first exam? Did you pass it?
- No. The teacher was very religious. He said after each of my answers: "Ohh... my God!

7.
- Victor! Hi! How is it going?
- I left the university.
- Please, don't cry. (don't worry about it) Soldiers are not crying.
????
8.
Why do theachers really enjoy it when somebody from the audience asks him questions?
Because they like it when he can't understand the lesson too.
????

9.
It's during an exam. The theacher asks a student.
- What's your name?
The student is very glad. He answer:
- Ivan
- Why are you so glad?
- I'm glad that I answered _ your question.

10.
I'm talking to you.
Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels are not husband and wife. It's four different men!
????????

Anecdote - это рассказ о реальном событии. Английский эквивалент русского слова "анекдот" - это joke.

Например, blond jokes - анекдоты про блондинок и т.д.

Anecdotes about blondes are somewhat mean, everyone has their stupid moments!!! :evil: Sometimes it makes me sad.... :cry: But then again, I have an excuse for those moments, and I don't take jokes very well...

A couple of things for KV:

for #7: Most young university dropouts in Russia get drafted and wind up in the military. You see, we have obligatory military service here, but students of higher educational institutions are exempted for the time of study. And if their school has a military education chair (and most have), they become reserve officers and don't do any time in the army at all (well, maybe one month every few years or so). So, you drop out, you are a soldier.

#10. A silly joke, really. An idiot correcting an idiot. Since the names of Karl Marks and Friedrich Engels are so often mentioned together, everyone knows that they are connected in some way... But some people don't remember what exactly that connection was.

Quote:

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astronomer: If you have any advice how to talk in English well, please e-mail me.

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The word 'advice' doesn't take plural in English. Be careful.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kalinka_vinnie

Teacher - (T)
Student - (S)
2.
Teacher reads the student's termpaper.
T: Your work is bad! Every stupid must understand it. Your paper is different.
S: What exactly you can't understand, professor?
[???] Didn't get it at all... :(

5.
It's during an economical exam. A female student talks about Adam Smith, but she never calls him by name. The teacher asks:
- What was Smith's first name?
- Silence...
Teacher want to help her.
- Well, what was the name of the first man on Earth
- (Student turns red and says quietly ) Valera...
???Didn't get it

8.
Why do theachers really enjoy it when somebody from the audience asks him questions?
Because they like it when he can't understand the lesson too.
????

---

2. The proffesor just said that "Every stupid must understand it" so the wit student implies with the question that professor is even more stupid than a stupid.

5. Teacher asks about first man (первый мужчина), and girl names her "first man" (the man she had her first sexual intercourse with).

8. Another joke about overly sophisticated study programm ("even teacher don't understand what are they talking about").
Here is another one:
Учитель: Что за тупые дети мне попались! Объясняю им теорему - не понимают. Объясняю второй раз - не понимают. Объясняю третий раз - даже сам понял, а они все равно не понимают!

Thanks so much. Especially kalinka_vinnie. You've been very helpful.

Огромное спасибо всем:
kalinka_vinnie,
translations.nm.ru,
strawberryfynch,
Rtyom (я не знал про множественное число adviсe),
gRomoZeka и в особенности kalinka_vinnie за оперативность и основательность при исправлении моих ошибок.

Quote:

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7.
- Victor! Hi! How is it going?
- I left the university.
- Please, don't cry. (don't worry about it) Soldiers are not crying

---

We had a version of that one too :D
See, in Poland (and presumably Russia?) every man over 18 who is not in the university has to serve his compulsary time in the army (it used to be 3 years, now it's about 9 months I think). So he's like "Don't cry, soldiers don't cry" knowing that the army is after him now that he left the uni :P

I'm not fully happy with Vinnie's corrections, so I'll add my own. I understood all of your jokes, so you are doing well so far.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by astronomer

1.
It's exam time. One student gets a bad grade. The teacher says:
(T): It's the third time. Why don't you study harder? No one has ever died from too much study?
(S): I know. But I'd rather not risk it. (we have this same joke in English)

2.
Teacher reads the student's term paper: (this is fine to begin a story)
T: Your work is bad (or, terrible)! Every dummy must be able to understand it. Your paper is different.
S: What exactly can't you understand, professor? (I understand the joke, but it doesn't translate well into English)

3.
It's English exam. One student went out of the classroom. The other students talk to him.
(O.S.): How is it going?
(S): Very well.
(O.S.): What did the teacher ask you?
(S): I don't know. He asked me in English.

4.
It's exam time. One student (you don't have to say "girl"--you say "her" later and that is enough) is very afraid. The teacher asks her,
(T): Why you are afraid? Are you afraid of my questions?
(S): No... I'm afraid of my answers. (That's very funny :) )

5.
It's economics exam. One student talks about Adam Smith, but she never calls him by name. The teacher asks:
- What was Smith's first name (or christian name)?
- Silence...
The teacher wants to help her.
- Well, what was the first man called (in the Earth - Adam)
- the student turns red and says quietly, "Valera..." (I think you mean her first boyfriend. This joke also does not translate well into English)

6.
A freshman comes back home. His parents ask him:
- How was you first exam? Did you pass it?
- No. The teacher was very religious. Every time I answered he said, "Ohh... my God!

7.
- Victor! Hi! How's it going?
- I left the university.
- Please, don't cry. Soldiers don't cry. (Americans won't understand this joke.)

8.
Why do teachers really enjoy it when somebody from the audience asks a question?
Because they like it when he can't understand the lesson either.

9.
It's exam time (or, It's finals). The teacher asks a student,
- What's your name?
Student is very excited. He answers:
- Ivan
- Why you are so happy?
- I'm happy because I knew the answer to the question!
10.
I'm telling you:
Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels are not husband and wife. They are four different men!

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Usually if you are telling a story you would say: the teacher, this teacher, my teacher, a teacher, etc. But for jokes it is ok to say "Teacher says to a student (or the students) . . ."

Exams at the end of the semester are called "final exams". Students call this "finals". So you can start a joke--It is finals. Teacher asks his student . . .