Pls, correct mistakes in that motivational letter

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November 19th, 2006, 06:04 PM
gRomoZeka

Pls, correct mistakes in that motivational letter

OK, here it is. The whole letter was a mess, I did my best to make it sound better but still sure I missed something.
Please, correct grammar or style mistakes. Thanks! (I can provide the Russian original if needed)

I am Ukrainian. In 2006 I graduated from the Welding production department of the Ukrainian engineering-pedagogical academy and apply now for a 2-year Master's programme in Technology with management.
I always was interested in engineering occupations. Choosing my future profession I settled on the welding engineering, because it’s one of the major fields in technique and science.
I began getting a basic professional education in 1999, when entered the Kharkov Machine-building college. After graduation in 2003, I got the degree of junior specialist and skilled employee. The same year I made decision to deepen my knowledge, and entered the third year of the Ukrainian engineering pedagogical academy. In 2005 I got a Bachelor’s degree. In 2006 I published the article on the modern power sources in university press. In 2006 I got a Specialist’s degree in welding production. During these years I get practical training at many ***’s enterprises and acquired extensive knowledge and experience in my field.
After defending my thesis on plasma spraying of protective coating, I began delving into that subject. In the future I want to extend my knowledge in this field and pursue a scientific research on plasma spraying in order to improve that process. I’m working on this project, since I believe it is very important and it’s introduction will yield a considerable economic effect to the enterprises of my homeland. Also due to that project the new prospects for collaboration between France and Ukraine can appear, which will bring a benefit to both countries.
For realization of this project I need entering one of the Universities of France. France has one of the world’s best educational system and material resources which will help me to achieve the greatest results in my field.
Also after graduating from the French university I will get a vast experience which I’ll be able to use in my homeland for development of French-Ukrainian science relations.
November 19th, 2006, 08:10 PM
kalinka_vinnie

Re: Pls, correct mistakes in that motivational letter

Quote:

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

OK, here it is. The whole letter was a mess, I did my best to make it sound better but still sure I missed something.
Please, correct grammar or style mistakes. Thanks! (I can provide the Russian original if needed)

Yes, please show the Russian letter... it makes it easier to know exactly what you meant when translating it. :)

I did some fixes and comments below

Quote:

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

I am Ukrainian. [Does the letter really start with "я - украинка." ???, it doesn't sounds natural to start a letter that way to me] In 2006 I graduated from the Welding production department of the Ukrainian engineering-pedagogical academy and am applying now for a 2-year Master's program_ in Technology with management [is that the title of the program? Then capitalize management].
I always was interested in engineering occupations. When choosing my future profession I settled on _ welding engineering, because it’s one of the major fields in technique [?] and science.
I started my basic professional education in 1999, when I was admitted to the Kharkov Machine-building college. After graduation in 2003, I got the degree of junior specialist and skilled employee. The same year I made a decision to deepen my knowledge, and entered the third year of the Ukrainian engineering pedagogical academy. In 2005 I got a Bachelor’s degree. In 2006 I published an article on the modern power sources in university press [with press do you mean printing press?]. In 2006 I got a Specialist’s degree in welding production. During these years I received practical training at many ***’s enterprises and acquired extensive knowledge and experience in my field.
After defending my thesis on plasma spraying of protective coating, I began delving into that subject [you delved into that subject AFTER defending your thesis about it? Normally you should know someting about the subject before writing a thesis about it...]. In the future I want to extend my knowledge in this field and pursue _ scientific research on plasma spraying in order to improve that process. I’m working on this project, since I believe it is very important and its introduction will yield a considerable economic effect to the enterprises of my homeland. Also, due to that project _ new prospects for collaboration between France and Ukraine can appear, which will bring a benefit to both countries.
To realize this project I need to be admitted in one of the Universities of France. France has one of the world’s best educational system and material resources which will help me to achieve the greatest results in my field.
Also, after graduating from a French university I will accumalate vast experiences that I’ll be able to use in my homeland for developing French-Ukrainian science relations.
November 19th, 2006, 09:24 PM
gRomoZeka

Re: Pls, correct mistakes in that motivational letter

Thanks, Kalinka!!! :D
That's not my letter (I'm not too keen about welding :lol:) . It's written by one guy who asked for my help. First he translated it with the online translator and I asked me to correct possible mistakes (:o) , but I hardly could understand anything in that text, so he wrote down his thoughts in Russian and I translated it.

I changed some sentences so it sounds more natural, because the Russian original a little bit akward, I think (he's not a writer, for sure :)) .
Anyway, he doesn't need word by word translation. He just need to give required information about himself in correct and understandable English, so any your suggestions are welcomed.

So, here is his letter in Russian:
[DELETED] :wink:
November 19th, 2006, 11:22 PM
kalinka_vinnie

Re: Pls, correct mistakes in that motivational letter

Quote:

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

Thanks, Kalinka!!! :D
That's not my letter (I'm not too keen about welding :lol:) . It's written by one guy who asked for my help. First he translated it with the online translator and I asked me to correct possible mistakes (:o) , but I hardly could understand anything in that text, so he wrote down his thoughts in Russian and I translated it.

I changed some sentences so it sounds more natural, because the Russian original a little bit akward, I think (he's not a writer, for sure :)) .
Anyway, he doesn't need word by word translation. He just need to give required information about himself in correct and understandable English, so any your suggestions are welcomed.

Thanks, see my updated corrections below :)
I am dissapointed, I thought we had found a real female welding engineer! :lol:

Quote:

Originally Posted by gRomoZeka

So, here is his letter in Russian:
По национальности – Украинец, в 2006 году закончил Инженерно-педагогическую академию, кафедра сварочного производства, претендую на 2-х годовую Master's programm по программе N+i университета Франции.

Мне все время нравились технические специальности. И перед выбором своей будущей профессии, я остановился на сварочном производстве, потому что сварка – это одна из важнейших областей науки и техники.
На свою специальность я начал учится в 1999 году, когда поступил в Харьковский Машиностроительный колледж, после окончания в 2003 году, я получил дипломы младшего специалиста и квалифицированного работника. В этом же году я принял решение усовершенствовать свои знания, и поступил на третий курс инженерно педагогической академии. В 2005 году я получил диплом бакалавра. В 2006 году опубликовал статью о современных источниках питания в университетской прессе. В 2006 году получил диплом специалиста сварочного производства. За годы своего обучения проходил профессиональную практику на многих предприятиях своего города. За время обучения я получил много знаний и опыта в своей специальности.

Защитив диплом по теме «плазменное напыление защитных покрытий», я серьезно начал заниматься над этой темой. И в будущем я хочу расширить знания в этой области, провести научные исследования по плазменному напылению. Усовершенствовать процесс плазменного напыления. Я работаю над этим проектом, т.к. считаю, что он очень важен, и его внедрение принесет большой экономический эффект предприятиям и Родине, также благодаря нему могут появиться новые перспективы сотрудничества между Францией и Украиной, которые принесут выгоду обоим странам.

Для реализации этого проекта мне необходимо поступление в один из университетов Франции. Потому что, во Франции одна из лучших в мире систем образования и материальная база, которая поможет добиться наивысших результатов в моей области.
Также, окончив университет Франции, я получу огромный опыт, который смогу применить на Родине, для развития Франко-Украинских отношений в науке.

I am Ukrainian national and in 2006 I graduated from the Welding production department of the Ukrainian Engineering-pedagogical academy and am applying now for a 2-year Master's program_ in Technology with management [where did you get this from? I didn't see it in the original].
I have always been interested in engineering_. When choosing my future profession I settled on _ welding engineering, because it’s one of the major fields in mechanics and science.
I started my _ professional education in 1999, when I was admitted to the Kharkov Machine-building college. After graduation in 2003, I got the degree of junior specialist and skilled worker. That same year I decided to deepen my knowledge, and entered the third year of the Ukrainian engineering pedagogical academy. In 2005 I received a Bachelor’s degree. In 2006 I published an article on the modern power sources in university press [I still don't know exactly what he means by University Press...]. In 2006 I got a Specialist’s degree in welding production. During my studies I received professional training in many of my city’s businesses and acquired extensive knowledge and experience in my field.

After defending my thesis on plasma spraying of protective coating, I started to seriously work on that subject. In the future I want to expand my knowledge in this field and pursue _ scientific research on plasma spraying in order to improve that process. I’m working on this project, because I believe it is very important and its introduction will yield a considerable economic effect to my country's businesses. Introducing this method might also bring new prospects for collaboration between France and Ukraine, which could bring benefits to both countries.
To realize this project I need to be admitted to one of France's universities. France has one of the world’s best educational systems and material resources which would help me to achieve the greatest results in my field.
Also, after graduating from a French university I will receive a great experience that I’ll be able to use in my homeland for developing French-Ukrainian science relations.
November 19th, 2006, 11:38 PM
gRomoZeka

Thanks for your help, Kalinka. :!: :) The boy will be happy!
November 19th, 2006, 11:48 PM
kalinka_vinnie

For some reason, I don't think this person is a boy anymore! :lol:

You are extremely welcome! Anything for my fellow Kharkovians!
November 20th, 2006, 12:07 AM
Moongazer

Hi gR

Hi gRomoZeka,

Ok, here's my version. Some sentences have been rephrased. But they should still contain the same meaning within your original draft . . . but just a little more refined. Let me know what you think.

Btw, is this Cover (Introduction) letter for a job with a Russian or Ukrainian company? Otherwise, my English language revision would have to be interpretated again. Please, see the (*) footnote below.

(Select the appropriate formal greeting here) . . . ,

I am (Ukrainian*). In 2006, I graduated from the welding production department at the Ukrainian Engineering-Pedagogical Academy, and have now applied for the 2-year program in Master's of Technology Management. Engineering occupations has always been a great interest of mine. After deciding on my future profession, I chose welding engineering – one of the major fields in technique and science.

After completing my professional education in 1999, I enrolled at the Kharkov Machine-Building College. Upon graduation in 2003, I received a degree in Junior Specialist and Skilled Employee. During the same year, I decided to broaden my knowledge and skills and trained for the third year at the Ukrainian Engineering Pedagogical Academy. I graduated in 2005 and received a Bachelor’s degree. During 2006, I published an article on ‘Modern Power Sources’ in University Press. Within the same year, I earned the Specialist’s Degree in Welding Production.

While continuing my education for several years now, I received practical training at many ***’s enterprises and acquired extensive knowledge and experience in my field. After defending my thesis on Plasma spraying of protective coating, I researched much further into the subject. In the future, I want to extend my knowledge in this field and pursue scientific research on plasma spraying in order to improve, and regulate the processes involved. The importance and introduction of such a project would yield a considerably positive effect, economically - to the enterprises of my homeland. Also, the ecological benefits and future business prospects to both France and Ukraine are quite obvious and visible.

For realization of this project, entering a French university to continue my education in this field would be extremely beneficial. France holds some of the world’s best educational systems, and material resources which may help me achieve some great accomplishments in my research. After graduating from university and moving onward, the educational experience could become invaluable use in my homeland - and for advanced development of French-Ukrainian scientific relations.

(* Not certain if stating national origin is necessary for this introduction letter.)
November 20th, 2006, 12:32 AM
chaika

I don't think the French will be very keen on somebody asking to come to France and enter one of their universities if the letter is in ENGLISH!

At the least the writer needs to say he speaks fluent and correct French, or did I miss that (did not read the whole thing).
November 20th, 2006, 11:40 PM
gRomoZeka

Moongazer, thanks for your efforts!
I'll give him your and Kalinka's versions and let him decide what he likes best. After all he'll have to learn that by heart for the interview (I suppose) so he'll probably combine them, choosing phrases that are easier to remember.

What's about the ukarinian part, he said this information is required.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaika

I don't think the French will be very keen on somebody asking to come to France and enter one of their universities if the letter is in ENGLISH!

Well, they asked the letter in English. That's all I know. :) Anyway, his French is much worse, but he's optimistic and pins his hopes on the 3 months 'adaptation period' (probably it includes language courses).