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from "Anguished English" by Rechard Lederer
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
In a French chalet: In case of fire, please ejaculate the premises.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
On a set of assembly instructions: "You must be screwing with
screwing driver. Fingers screwing not good enough."
Now THAT's hilarious!!!
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it's a nice test of English expressions knowledge for the Russians here, too 
Originally Posted by laxxy 
