Oh, heh, sorry, I saw so many other posts so I figured someone had corrected it between then and now. Now I know how you Russians feel when I post stuff...
Please do forgive me but I'd like to correct your English out of the story too. Anything in this thread's game. :wink:
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On second thoughts I decided not to make it a sheer porno trash.
On second thought, I decided not to make it a sheer porno trash.
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I know Gandalf for a long time
I've known Gandalf for a long time.
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(since 1976, what a prehistorical time it is!)
I would leave out the "it is."
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Here's next excerpt.
Here's the next excerpt.
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but I haven't made the consistent text yet.
But I haven't made the text consistent yet.
====================
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was an old man who happened to pass by.
For some reason, I want to say "who had happened to pass by" here. This makes it seem like the old man was already there, I suppose. The original sentence doesn't have him come until you say so - and since you say he was the spectator of everything you described above, presumably he was already there. Your call, though.
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much of the outer world around him
"outer world" already implies the world around him. So you pick: He didn't notice much of the world around him, or he didn't notice much of the outer world.
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A tall pointed blue hat and a silver scarf covered his face so only the bushy eyebrows and a long white beard were distinctly visible.
I would make it "so that", or get rid of "so" and put a semicolon in. I would get rid of "the" in "the bushy eyebrows", because you have the indefinite article with his beard.
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could not hide an inner force of his seemingly weak body.
I am more inclined to say THE inner force.
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Nevertheless now and there he cast a glance around him
I'd put a comma after "nevertheless", and as TNMRU said earlier, "now and then" and not "now and there."
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this breeze, this smell of fresh grass and leaves, the singing of birds and buzzing of flies.
I would change it to THE breeze, THE smell of fresh grass and leaves. Especially since later on in the sentence you change to the definite article. "This" makes it sound like Gandalf is talking.
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What may be more usual for an aged man than a season changing?
What COULD be more usual, I'd say. "a season changing" is correct but sounds kind of weird. Maybe "the change of seasons"?
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Yet each time it is like a beginning of a new life, when nothing is determined, no wrong is done, no mistake is made.
I would rewrite the sentence like this:
Yet each time it is like the beginning of a new life; nothing has been determined, no wrong has been done, no mistakes have been made.
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But what was there, a sound of metal clinking?
Nothing really wrong here. But I feel more inclined to say "But what was there - the sound of metal clinking?" Or even "the clink of metal" or "a metallic clink."
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This was the sound that none of the animals could produce.
This was A sound that..
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As far as he new life,
knew
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it could hardly be a blacksmith who fancied to stroll in the wood and to take his daily job with him.
For some reason the use of "hardly" here seems strange. But I don't know how to write it correctly. Sorry, I have bad English. I'd change "wood" to "woods."
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The old man hastened to climb a small hill near the brook and looked down in a little dell from where this sound emerged.
He looks down to a little dell.
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What he saw there made all the joy vanish form his heart.
:thumbs: Good suspense.
I suck at poetry(as I mentioned earlier, "My Sharona" is all I remember of my poetry education), so I'll let the other posts about the poem suffice. I liked it, though.