Thread: Анекдоты

I'm basically trying to assemble the best jokes that are relatively simple and short to one thread. I searched the forum and found these..:

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(( From Lampada's post: ))

- Ну, и чем вчера закончилась твоя ссора с женой?
- О, она приползла ко мне на коленях...
- И чего сказала?
- Вылезай из-под кровати, подлый трус!

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(( Thanks to Bob Whiteman ))

Иностранец подходит к кассе "Аэрофлота":
- Two tickets to Dublin.
- Куда, блин?

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(Thanks to Lampada!)

Приходит английский лорд домой. Ему открывает дворецкий и говорит:
- Ну что, старый хрен, опять бухал и шлялся по девкам?
- Нет, Джон, ходил покупать слуховой аппарат...

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(courtesy of Lampada again)

- Скажи, в чём смысл жизни?
- Сейчас не могу ответить. Интернет отключен.

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(Thanks to Theodor)

Приходит старый еврей к католическому священнику и говорит:
- Я вчера переспал с двумя молодыми девушками.
- Я прощаю тебе грехи, сын мой, но скажи, почему ты исповедуешься мне, а не пошел к раввину?
- Я не исповедуюсь. Я хвастаюсь.

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Originally Posted by Valda

(( Thanks to Bob Whiteman ))

Иностранец подходит к кассе "Аэрофлота":
- Two tickets to Dublin.
- Куда, блин?

I heard that one as if a Russian was saying that, and it went like,

- Ту тикетс ту Даблин!
- Куда блин???
- Туда блин!!!

Originally Posted by Eric C.

I heard that one as if a Russian was saying that, and it went like,

- Ту тикетс ту Даблин!
- Куда блин???
- Туда блин!!!

Also, a funny one about the Russian accent:

There's a Russian at the reception counter in a hotel asking for service. He says, "ту ти ту ту ту, плиз". The receptionist says, "ok...", and the Russian walks away to his room, but the receptionist realizes she didn't really get what he wanted. Embarrassed, she walks over to a Russian guest in the hall and asks him if he knows what that could mean. He says, "sure, he just asked you to get someone to bring two teas to room #22."

Originally Posted by Eric C.

Also, a funny one about the Russian accent:

There's a Russian at the reception counter in a hotel asking for service. He says, "ту ти ту ту ту, плиз". The receptionist says, "ok...", and the Russian walks away to his room, but the receptionist realizes she didn't really get what he wanted. Embarrassed, she walks over to a Russian guest in the hall and asks him if he knows what that could mean. He says, "sure, he just asked you to get someone to bring two teas to room #22."

Problem is I actually got what he was asking before reading the punchline, so it was kinda dry But maybe when you "hear" it it's more difficult to figure out right away. Good try regardless!

Originally Posted by Valda

I'm basically trying to assemble the best jokes that are relatively simple and short...

There is a genre of simple and short wordplay jokes about Stierlitz.


Штирлиц топил печку. К утру печка утонула.

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Из окна дуло. Штирлиц закрыл окно. Дуло исчезло.

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Штирлиц падал из окна и чудом зацепился за раму. Наутро чудо распухло и посинело.

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Штирлиц склонился над картой. Его рвало на Родину.

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Штирлиц украдкой кормил детей. От украдки дети пухли и дохли.

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Штирлиц овладел собой и, немного спустя, заснул.

...

Originally Posted by it-ogo

There is a genre of simple and short wordplay jokes about Stierlitz.

Штирлиц топил печку. К утру печка утонула.

Hmmm, some of these seem to be untranslatable...

Штирлиц украдкой кормил детей. От украдки дети пухли и дохли.

But this one works (awkwardly) in English: "Stierlitz fed the children stealthily. This stealthily stuff made the children swell up and die."

Штирлиц овладел собой и, немного спустя, заснул.

Ummm... is this one a reference to дрочка? (If not, then I misunderstood the joke.)